SF: Universal Solvents #23 (1/2)

[swede at garywolson.com]

                         UNIVERSAL SOLVENTS
                        (a Tale of Sfstory!)
                             Episode 23
                               "Plum"
                                 by
                            Gary W. Olson

                                -~-_-

     Death had finally come for him, Norman Sassafras realized.
Unlike many of his young peers, he had for quite some time understood
that he was mortal, and that one day he would go the way of all mortal
things.  One could not watch Star Trek as much as he had, and hear
Doctor McCoy say 'He's dead, Jim' for as many times as he had, without
this sliding deep into the furrows of his consciousness.  It was one
of the immutable truths of the universe, as far as he was concerned--
sooner or later, no matter one's rank in life, one eventually had to
put on the red shirt.
     What his many years of watching Trek and its sequels had not
prepared him for, though, was the truth that one might come to welcome
death--to regard the velour of security with relief.  As the Arachno-
Newton closest to him continued belting out the words to 'Danke
Schoen,' the fear Norman felt at the sight of its razorblade legs was
swiftly eclipsed by the gagging sensation brought on by the cloying
sappiness of the song.
     Norman's ankle slid out from under him in the soft grass, and
that was all that saved him.  A massive blade breezed over him as he
fell.  What reflexes his heroic training from Interstellar University
had instilled in him kept him from landing flat on his back--he caught
his descent with his hands, scrambled back, and quickly got to his
feet.  Another blade slash cut into the red beets that made up his
garment, though the tip did no more than graze the skin of his
stomach.
     The others who were in the clearing with him fared no better.
Kalvin Certain--the now-former casino manager and currently clad-in-
bacon cad whose machinations had more-or-less resulted in Norman's
current predicament--scrambled to avoid being scrambled by another
Arachno-Newton's blades.  Benjen--a onetime Renegade Anarchist whom
Norman had met years ago and had, as a result of different
machinations, been brought here to planet Zeta Ricola Beta and
outfitted in lettuce--was trying to fly above the battle, only to
discover that the aural assault of the Arachno-Newtons was interfering
with his bioelectrical field.  Shoon-Ma--the powerful ur-Bagel whose
desire for revenge was one of the prime drivers of the current drama--
had no such problems, and equally no problem with hanging back and
avoiding the battle.
     "Any last requests?" asked the Arachno-Newton trying to kill him.
"'I'll Be With You in Apple Blossom Time,' maybe?  Or shall I cover a
song by my good pal Neil Diamond?"
     "Gurk," Norman replied, as he dodged another blade.
     "'Heartlight' it is," said the Arachno-Newton, sounding
delighted.  Immediately, all three of the Wayne Newton-emulating
killer robo-arachnoids started emitting the syrupy orchestral music
that was the start of the song.  Norman started seriously considering
leaping toward the slashing blades.
     Before he could do so, the Arachno-Newton's face exploded.
     "Yaaah!" exclaimed Norman, as he stumbled back.  A massive form
slammed into the Arachno-Newton, toppling it to the ground.  Norman
was alarmed to see that it was a six-foot-tall-at-the-shoulder black-
furred mutant cat, and was further alarmed to see the cat sit on the
remains of the robot, raise its leg, and start in on a dignity-free
round of self-grooming.  A flying metal skiff swooped low over
Norman's head, and Norman saw multiple other figures--these all more
bipedish--jump out.
     "Down!" a woman's voice ordered, and Norman hit the forest floor
again.  Further laser blasts echoed above and around him, and Norman
realized he knew who had given the order.  He looked up and saw Toni
Williams, just as she plunged her laser sword into the neck of the
Arachno-Newton that had been threatening to slice Kalvin Certain into
kibble.
     "Norman!" a man's voice called, and Norman realized he knew who
owned this voice as well.  Forgetting Toni's order, he sprang to his
feet and looked around.
     "Ronald!" he called, as he saw his best friend and fellow Star
Trek fanatic running towards him.  With Ronald were two heavily armed
human Space Marines who were waving their guns around as if daring
more killer robots to come out of the undergrowth.
     Before the reunion could take place, the air was split by an ear-
rending shrill scream.  Norman clutched his ears, even as he
recognized this hearing-damaging noise as well.  Sure enough, he saw
Kissy Hitowers a moment later.  She had somehow gotten between the
last remaining Arachno-Newton and Benjen, in such a way that it kept
Benjen's attempted rescuers--Jerriphrrt and Gham, two more former
Renegade Anarchists--from having a clean shot at the machine while
simultaneously blocking Benjen's escape path.  There was no doubt
about it, he realized with pride--Ronald and he had chosen a Space
Ingenue who knew her stuff.
     Norman knew it was time to do something heroic.  It was his and
Ron's senior Space Heroing project that had led to their hiring Kissy
to be their Ingenue, and she had set them up so that the only way they
could save her from a messy death would be to do something so unlikely
to succeed that the odds were massively against it.  With that in
mind, Norman picked up the severed blade-leg of the Arachno-Newton
that had threatened him, hoisted it over his head, let out his most
heroic bellow, and ran at the robot threatening Kissy.
     Both the Arachno-Newton and Kissy stopped emitting their
competing noises, regarding him with what Norman felt sure was
amazement at his heroic recklessness.  The Newton recovered first,
raising two of its bladed legs into a position that Norman belatedly
realized would both parry his blade and relieve him of his aching feet
by removing everything below his knees.
     This failed to happen, if only because the blade of a laser sword
emerged from the mouth of the Arachno-Newton.  The machine sparked and
hissed, then collapsed.  Toni Williams, who was now standing behind
it, withdrew her sword.
     Norman swung his blade down at the Newton anyway, if only because
his momentum had decided that action for him.  It clanged against the
Newton's metallic hair-helmet, left Norman's hands and went flying.
     "Hey!" Benjen exclaimed, as the blade embedded itself in a tree
trunk, just inches above his head.  He considered the blade, gulped,
and said 'hey' again, just in case he had not been clear before.
     Norman stumbled to a halt.  He breathed hard, then looked up at
Toni.
     "I would've got him," said Norman.
     "I know," Toni replied.  He searched her eyes and expression for
signs of derision, but she seemed utterly sincere.  She even seemed
unfazed by the fact that he was clad in beets.  He heard footsteps to
his left, then felt a hand on his back.
     "Norman, you okay?" Ronald asked.  "That was great--kind of like
Kirk in 'Amok Time,' you know?"
     Norman straightened, and beamed at his friend's compliment.  His
reply was cut short by a snort from Kissy.
     "My heroic rescuers," she said.  "Thanks for reminding me to fill
out my organ donor card.  Another rescue like that and it'll see some
use."
     "Look, Little Miss Hearing Loss," said Toni, "we were doing
*fine* until you got into a mess.  Why don't you walk your little pert
behind over to the skiff where you'll be safe?"
     "Er, Toni," said Ronald.  "She's *our* Ingenue."
     Toni looked at Kissy, who shrugged and nodded.  "Right," she
said.  "Sorry.  Instinct.  Go on."
     Norman wondered how often such an Ingenue-poaching situation came
up in the annals of Space Heroics, and how it got resolved.  He soon
found out, as Kissy wheeled on him and Ronald.
     "My 'pert little behind,'" Kissy went on, as if it had been
Ronald or Norman she was quoting, "is the only reason you even had a
shot at that thing.  If it wasn't for me, you'd have been run
through!"
     "Um," said Norman.  Suddenly, the pressure was on.  He thought,
frantically, trying to come up with a suitable heroic response.
     "That's because our behinds aren't pert!" Ronald declared.
     Kissy's brow furrowed.  Ronald elbowed Norman, and Norman
realized he was trying to prod a followup heroic zinger out of him.
     "Yeah!" Norman said.  "They're... um... they're Pert Plus!"
     Toni winced.  Kissy looked as if her retort had gotten caught at
the 'make sense of the Space Hero's statement' stage of her train of
thought.  Norman wondered if he should find a bush to hide under.
     "Hey!" someone yelled.  Norman realized it was Jerriphrrt.
"Kalvin's getting away!"
     Norman looked past Toni and Kissy in time to see a bacon-wearing
figure dashing madly into a very foliage-clogged area of forest.  He
was followed closely by the massive mutant black cat Norman had seen
earlier.
     "What happened?" Toni demanded, sounding simultaneously angry
that her quarry was escaping and relieved that she did not have to
witness more of a train wreck of a heroic repartee session.
     "There was a bagel floating up in the trees," said Gham.  "Kalvin
saw it and was off before we could stop him."
     "It was Shoon-Ma the ur-Bagel," Benjen added.  "He's---"
     "Lucky!" Toni called into the forest.  "Get back here!"  She
waited, then sighed.  "Stupid cat.  Wasn't supposed to even be on the
skiff.  Hope Captain Vogel wasn't too attached to him.  Kalvin
Certain's not important right now... stopping universal apocalypse
is."
     "What's been going on?" Norman asked.  "You have more marines
with you?"
     At this point, a large wad of exposition occurred.  Toni started
it off, explaining as succinctly as possible how she came to be on
Zeta Ricola Beta, investigating the prophecies concerning it, Shoon-
Ma, and the Breaking of the Fast at the Dawn of the Universe.
Jerriphrrt, Gham, and Benjen added details about how they had been
minding their own business, salvaging derelict spaceships and such,
and had gotten drawn into the mess by boarding the wrong ship at the
wrong time.  Ronald, Norman, and Kissy explained how Ronald and
Norman's Senior Space Heroics Project had gotten them crossed with
Kalvin Certain's henchmen and thus to Zeta Ricola Beta.  The six space
marines told moving stories about their Facebook settings that had
nothing to do with the adventure at hand.  Somehow, between them all,
they managed to summarize large parts of Universal Solvents #1-22 in
under six minutes, something the Author has never managed to do, which
is why he is Telling and not Showing in this paragraph.  At the end of
the exposition, Norman thought of a pertinent question.
     "What now?" he asked.
     "Now," said Toni, "we've got to split up.  If, as I suspect, Zark
Flyby has been maneuvered into being Zeta Ricola Beta's Champion
and/or Chosen One, we have to find him and take him down, assuming he
hasn't already come into his power.  I'll head that team.  Ron,
Norman, Kissy, you're with me."  She gestured at three of the six
marines.  "You three as well."
     "And the rest of us?" Gham asked.
     "Stay with the original mission," said Toni.  "Get to the
Daaksvong complex.  It won't be far from here.  Find Sark Flyby--he's
Zark's father, and the guy pulling his strings.  Disrupt whatever he's
doing."
     "We'll try," Jerriphrrt promised.  "Um... do we get marines,
too?"
     "Yes," said Toni.  "The other three."
     "And waffles?" Benjen asked.  The others glared at him.  "What?"
he added.  "I missed breakfast."
     "Fix your lettuce," Jerriphrrt suggested.  Benjen looked down,
saw what the lettuce was not covering, and slapped his forehead.
     Norman, Ronald, Kissy, and the remaining marines watched as
Jerriphrrt, Gham, Benjen, and three Space Marines slipped into the
forest, with all the stealth that comes naturally to ex-Renegade
Anarchists and Space Marines.  Once the torrent of disturbed birds,
squirrels, and other small animals subsided, Toni shook her head.
Norman thought of another question.
     "How are we going to find Zark?"
     Toni and Ronald winced.  A second later, a large portion of the
forest in the opposite direction from which the others had gone
erupted.  They gaped as massive trees flew overhead.
     "Right," said Norman.  He checked again to be sure his beet-suit
was still mostly intact, then followed the others into the woods.

                                -~-_-

     It was not a good day for running away from cosmically violent
maniacs, Dr. Bing Von Spleen decided.  For one thing, the weather was
awful, in that it was raining trees.  For another, he was sober, and
thus had no chemically-induced delusions regarding his chances for
survival to give him the maniacal disregard for probability that
sometimes allowed him *to* survive certain death.  For a third, he was
wearing--thanks to the ABPSARI that had brought him to Zeta Ricola
Beta--a suit made of fruit roll-ups, which were by now very sticky in
unpleasant places.  For a fourth, instead of having with him a
competent Space Hero such as 357, who might reliably think of a way to
take on the cosmic menace, he was with his carrot-tutu-wearing ex-
assistant Sajon, who was, just as reliably, way out of his depth.
     The aforementioned cosmic menace, Zark Flyby, growled 'KILL!'
again, then let loose another blast of power.  It sheared through the
air above him, blasting away more of the forest's trees.  Von Spleen
knew that Zark, while generally ultrastupid, was extremely competent
in his chosen specialty, which was violence and mayhem, and that any
deficiency in areas such as 'aiming' would be--as they always were
with Zark--compensated for by 'overkill.'
     "We should split up, Doc!" yelled Sajon, who was a bit behind
him.  "He can only get one of us that way!"
     Von Spleen had already thought of that, but had not suggested it,
as he had not come up with a way to guarantee that the one being 'got'
would not be him.  Instead, he tried another gambit, one only someone
unable to outwit an anvil might fall for.
     "Wallaby!" he yelled, pointing to his left.
     A long moment passed, then the air was rent with the sizzling
sound of another power blast.  Trees well to Von Spleen's left
exploded into splinters and chunks.
     "KILL!" yelled Zark, who was veering left.  Von Spleen dared to
hope he would escape--
     "No, over here!" called a high-pitched voice.  "They're right
here, Zark!"
     Von Spleen looked up and snarled.  The tiny robot TH1K1 flew
overhead, staying close with Von Spleen.  Von Spleen knew what he had
heard had not actually been English; rather, it was a high-pitched
burst of beeps and squiggles, translated by some drug-mutated part of
his brain.  He also knew why TH1K1 was doing this--he was a would-be
homicidal maniac who saw in Zark an opportunity to actually succeed
in causing death and mayhem for once.
     "Wretched robot!" Von Spleen yelled.  "I'll get you yet!"
     Another blast hit trees nearby, as Zark corrected course and came
after them again.  This time, a tree trunk slammed down right in front
of Von Spleen and Sajon, barely missing crushing them.  Unfortunately,
Von Spleen and Sajon could not barely miss running into it at full
speed.
     "Whunf!" said the tree trunk.
     "Splat," said their bodies, as they fell back into the dirt.
     "Ow," said Von Spleen, as he struggled to his feet.
     "KILL!" roared Zark.
     "Not yet!" exclaimed Von Spleen, as he attempted to cover most of
his body with his arms while simultaneously hiding behind Sajon.
Sajon, for his part, was trying to remove the carrots that formed the
collar of his unusual outfit from his face.
     Von Spleen waited for the end.
     And waited.
     And waited.
     "WHY NOT?"
     Von Spleen opened his eyes and looked up at Zark Flyby.
Incredibly menacing and promising of violence in ordinary times, Zark
had grown even more dangerous-looking in these cosmic times.  Heat and
light shimmered from his skin like smoke, obscuring most of his
sizeable body--just as well, as Zark's clothing had been vaporized a
long time ago, and Von Spleen had little wish for his last mortal
sight to be of Zark au natural.
     "Um... because!" said Von Spleen.  His mind raced.  Zark was
ultrastupid, and thus easily fooled, but there was a danger.  Anything
he tried that seemed like trying to dissuade Zark from violence would
not work, because violence was Zark's first--and usually only--
solution to most situations he encountered.  How he had become Time
Police Academy Commandant was beyond Von Spleen, although he imagined
it was to keep Zark away from positions where he might do even more
damage--i.e. anywhere else.  On the other hand, any suggestion that
encouraged violence would not work, because even if it was directed at
anything other than Von Spleen, the power at Zark's fingertips would
likely do considerable damage just from proximity.
     "Because of the prophecy!" Sajon declared.  The lad, Von Spleen
observed, had gotten to his feet, and amazingly had spoken to Zark as
if the man could not obliterate them at any second.
     "PROPHECY?" Zark asked.  He was not shouting; Von Spleen assumed
it was cosmic power that caused him to talk in all capitals.
     "Right," said Sajon.  "You're with the Time Police, so you know
all about prophecy and stuff, right?  How you can't go against it, and
have to do whatever it says?"
     "UM..." Zark started.
     "And the prophecy from this world says you have to face off
against Shoon-Ma's Champion," Sajon went on.  "Only once you defeat
him can you go on to... I dunno... blow up the universe and stuff."
     Zark broadly smiled.  Von Spleen guessed it was the thought of
blowing up the universe that made him so happy.
     "SO WHO IS THE CHAMPION?" Zark asked.
     "Someone who lives fa--" started Von Spleen.
     "I am!" Sajon declared.
     Von Spleen wondered if Zark's ultrastupidity was rubbing off.
Certainly Sajon had to be wondering that, as Zark's eyes narrowed, and
his power rose.
     "But only after I *get* that power," Sajon went on.  "I don't
have it yet.  Until I do, you can't go blowing stuff up or killing
anybody.  Says so in the prophecy.  Right, Doctor?"
     "Er, right," said Von Spleen.  He wondered what Sajon was playing
at.
     "Which is why Doctor Von Spleen is going to hand over that pill
now," said Sajon.  He held out his hand in Von Spleen's direction.
Von Spleen regarded it as if it were the hand of a bill collector or a
D.E.A. agent.
     "What pill?" Von Spleen asked.
     "GIVE," Zark ordered.  His eyes flared with raw power.
     "Eepyesssir!" Von Spleen replied, producing the Altoids box that
he had earlier stowed the pink pill in.  He popped it open and
deposited the pill into Sajon's hand.
     It was the pinnacle of Von Spleen's spamological know-how; a
shell containing a small quantity of Spam engineered by Von Spleen to
remove all barriers between a sentient being and the primordial Spam
that was the ur-substance of the universe.  It had been further
engineered so that only contact with Sajon's saliva could unlock the
pill's cosmic-power-bestowing properties; a safeguard Shoon-Ma had
forced him to include so that, if Von Spleen's ABPSARI-enforced
sobriety wore off, he could not just take the pill and the power
himself.  He had earlier tried to get Sajon to take it, knowing
exactly what his next move would be.  It was still possible now,
though having an uberviolent ultracosmic idiot standing just feet away
itching for a fight made the move he was contemplating much harder.
     But running away, his favorite other option, was not feasible.
So, Von Spleen thought, the hell with it.  He waited for Sajon to lift
the pill to his lips...
     ...then cried out, as Sajon threw the pill into the forest with
all his strength.

(continued in part two, following...)
--
Copyright (c) 2011 Gary W. Olson, All Rights Reserved.
--
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