LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #257: The Origin of Cannon Fodder

[Arthur Spitzer]

30 Years of Legion of Net.Heroes (1992-2022)!

And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie archive 
once again.

Here's where you can find The Origin of Cannon Fodder (as well
as other MISC stories:

https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Misc/



 
And we've got Dave Van Domelen writing the Origin of Cannon Fodder!
And I think this one is in the wrong spot on the LNH Timeline since
Cannon Fodder appeared in Cry.Sig.  Anyway, this starts out in the
newsgroup alt.fan.bugtown (one would assume is a fan newsgroup for
Those Annoying Post Brothers)  We've got some gent by the name of Odd 
Fodder who desires revenge!  But will he get his revenge?! And will 
we find out if this Odd Fodder looks more like Marlon Brando or Al 
Pacino?

Anyhow, on to...



              _						
             | |      Classic			
             | |                      =
             | |      ____    ____    _    ____    ___
             | |__   | [] |  | [] |  | |  | [] |  | _ \  

             |____|   \__]    \__ |  |_|   \__/   |_|\_\
                                 ||
                                |_|  OF NET.HEROES

                                    ADVENTURES #257


                         =====================
                      The Origin of Cannon Fodder
                         =====================




From: dvandom at magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Dave Van Domelen)
Newsgroups: alt.comics.lnh,alt.fan.bugtown
Subject: The Origin of Cannon Fodder v2.0
Date: 4 Mar 1994 02:21:15 GMT

Note to the bugtowners, just scream loudly or fire in my direction if you see a
glaring problem with some of the alt.versions of Bugtown types I use.  Having
only read a few issues of Post and Savage Henry (plus the newsgroup) I'm 
missing alot of details.
     Dave Van Domelen, now if Mark'll just write another Crosspost Brothers 
story....

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The New and Improved Origin of CANNON FODDER copyright 1994 Dave Van Domelen
         published by Coherent Comics UnInc for the LNH in general
   The Crosspost Brothers created by Mark Friedman from an idea of mine
          Alt.fan.bugtown is certainly copyright somebody sometime
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

     Alt.fan.bugtown is a PluReality fairly far removed from just about any 
other, and that's how the other PluRealities prefer it.  Safer that way.  It 
comprises an infinite cityscape of unknown (and perhaps unknowable) origin, 
parts of which are inhabited, some of which aren't, and some which shouldn't be
but are because the rent is lower there.  Despite its size, it gets little 
attention from the outside, who invariably prefer to spend their time in the 
less...wild PluRealities, such as the RAC* Hierarchy of PluRealities.  
Occasional bursts of activity make it known to the outside, but frankly also 
make outsiders more willing to forget them after the outburst is over.
     Alt.fan.bugtown is not a pleasant place to visit, although it can be a 
pretty wild place to live.  It counts among its residents Big Alt, who is 
reputed to be in control of the constantly shifting and regenerating place.  
Whether such control is even possible casts this claim into doubt.  The place 
has a few interesting characteristics which lure others to live there, despite 
its obvious problems (more on the two of them later).  First off, you can't die
in Alt.fan.bugtown.  Or rather, you can't stay dead.  Damage is healed back 
fairly quickly, although not always with 100% accuracy, so it's important not 
to die too many times.  Secondly, the place is a natural interdimensional 
nexus, not just of net.realities but of all PluRealities.  This makes it a 
natural place to conduct business between the universes.  One major such 
business hub is JPEG Bay.  Big Alt spends alot of time in JPEG Bay.
     Unfortunately, so do the Crosspost Brothers, Jeff and Jon.  Trust me, the 
less said about them, the less nightmares you'll have.  As natives of 
Alt.fan.bugtown, they have the native power of Crossposting, the ability to 
shift themselves across the net.realities at will.  Their strong wills, vivid 
imaginations and utter sadism let them use this power to terrifying effect, and
they are illegal in most realities...simply being them is a capital offense.
     Now, by this point in the narrative, you're wondering what the scrad all 
this has to do with Cannon Fodder, an inhabitant of the LNH Looniverse and 
member of that team.  Simple.  He used to be Godd Fodder, a resident (but not 
native) of JPEG Bay....

               *              *              *              *

     Close, he was so close...if the latest modifications to his equipment were
enough, he would soon be able to take revenge on those Obnoxious Crosspost 
Brothers for what they did to his brother Bobb.  Sure, he was a moderator, but 
that didn't mean he deserved to die!
     Most people were kinda glad the Crosspost Brothers went on that rampage 
[see some issue or another of Those Obnoxious Crosspost Brothers, I don't feel 
like looking it up - Ed.] and killed all but one moderator residing in JPEG 
Bay.  And most moderators kinda deserved it, Godd supposed.  But his brother 
didn't...Bobb was just a simple tax.group moderator, not some evil corporate 
moderator or sleazy binaries group moderator.  Jon's cry of "Tax this, 
moderator!" when he...he....  Godd couldn't bring himself to think of how Jon 
killed Bobb...besides, it was far too lengthy for a simple flashback.
     But now Godd was nearing his revenge.  He'd found a theoretical method for
not only giving a non-native such as himself (an immigrant from sci.physics. 
plutonium) crossposting abilities, but also how to block those abilities in 
others.  And with this device, the Crosspost Brothers would be on their way to 
/dev/null by way of alt.pain.hurt.hurt.hurt.  One final adjustment....
     Then everything exploded.  A sad fact of life in Alt.fan.bugtown was that 
random flames from elsewhere in the infinite city sometimes found their way 
into JPEG Bay.  Most of the time they were merely a nuisance, since everything 
they destroyed would regenerate exactly as it had been, within a few hundredths
of a percent tolerance, anyway.  But this time, with all sorts of bizarre 
scientific equipment actively probing the nature of Alt.fan.bugtown, it was 
different.
     Godd Fodder awoke a few minutes later, to find that although the building 
he had been working in had regenerated, the equipment hadn't.  Had Big Alt sent
the flame on purpose to halt the research?  Or had he been noticed by the 
goddess Nagasaki?  In either case, it was pretty likely that Alt.fan.bugtown 
was not a good place to continue the research.  He had in his head the 
important bits of data, he could work elsewhere.
     A few hours later, Godd had booked passage to a nascent little alt.reality
on the fringes of the RAC* multiverse, a place called Alt.comics.LNH.  He felt 
it would have the technical resources to allow him to continue his 
pseudoscientific research in relative peace.  He set up a new lab and began 
taking some readings, but found they indicated he was still in Alt.fan.bugtown.
How could that be?  Minutes later, he realized the answer: he had internalized 
the essence of the dimension during the explosion!  He still couldn't 
crosspost, although tests showed he should be able to.  But when a random act 
of violence struck him down on the way to lunch the next day, he woke up alive 
in his lab!  He was immortal!  He couldn't be killed premanently anywhere... 
and furthermore he instinctively crossposted himself out of harm's way once 
he'd been killed!  Still, without weapons or conscious control of his 
crossposting ability, he still couldn't take his revenge.  So he set to work 
again on his nullifier...only to find he'd lost that spark of scientific 
brilliance which had let him invent it in the first place.  No!  He'd lost 
resolution on that last death, lost a very important part of his mind!
     Couldn't be helped, he realized.  He'd have to find another way to destroy
the Crosspost Brothers.  Perhaps if he joined this new Legion of Net.Heroes he 
could get them to help him in his revenge?  Still, he'd need a sort of silly 
hero codename to join, and a power he could display instead of immortality.  
Constructing several large energy weapons, he dubbed himself Cannon and strode 
confidently to the door of the LNHQ, to apply to the team as a weaponsmaster 
type hero.
     Then, just as he rang the doorbell, a stray energy blast struck him, 
killing him instantly.  He started to reform, but his Cannons had fallen from 
his grasp, and now they exploded, killing him again.  Then a gout of flame from
some invisible source fried him and he died again.  Then he was struck in the 
face by some sort of boisenberry pie, choked on it and died.  He could feel his
mind withering under the effect of so many regenerations in such a short time, 
and realized too late he'd also taken on the essence of the random violence in 
Alt.fan.bugtown.  He was a magnet for destructive energies, which he was doomed
to regenerate from.
     Finally someone answered the door.  Godd stood shakily and tried to 
remember exactly who he was, and why he was here.  "Um, I'm Cannon...er, 
Fodder?  I think I'm here to...aaaaagh," he finished as he had a fatal allergic
reaction to the cologne of the person answering the door.
     Rebel Yell poked his head over the shoulder of the person at the door.  
"Um, I guess this Cannon Fodder wanted to join the LNH, eh Squid Boy?  Well, if
he revives, take him to the med.lab or something."
     Squid Boy nodded and picked up the fallen form of this 'Cannon Fodder' 
person, taking him to be examined by Doctor Stomper.

               *              *              *              *

     In time, the memory loss problem would stabilize, but not before Cannon 
Fodder had lost every last trace of his former memories.  No one could find any
records of his origin, but few really bothered, since he wasn't a WC anyway.  
So who is it that tells this tale?  Ah, that's another story altogether....


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Next Week:  Will be on vacation... but in two weeks more Classic LNH Stories!

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Arthur "Same Classic Channel.  But Same Time?  Probably not." Spitzer