LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #54: Saviors of the NET Part Two
Arthur Spitzer
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Mar 25 14:40:42 PDT 2018
In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/
we have the second section of the Saviors of the NET.
For the third issue of the Saviors we have Steven Howard who was
writing LNH Tsk Force (which would have been my favorite title of
this era). He fleshes out the Saviors and also brings in a bunch
of LNH characters to start snooping on them.
For the fourth issue (err.. I mean Pi issue) we have a very young
Tom Russell (who would have probably been 15 or so around this time)
writing his own take on the Saviors. I'm sure if Tom were still
active on RACC he'd be really cringing very hard about this and
pleading you to read his more recent work instead of this. That
being said if there were no young Tom Russell there would also
not be a satanically reanimated Self-Righteous Preacher corpse.
And the world would be much poorer for that.
And now..
_
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| |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \
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|_| OF NET.HEROES
ADVENTURES #54
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Saviors of the NET Part Two
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T H E
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O F T H E
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From: blore at ibm.net (Steven Howard)
Subject: LNH: Saviors of the NET #3: Getting to Know You
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Date: 7 Oct 1998 05:42:27 GMT
LNH: Saviors of the Net, Part 3: "Getting to Know You"
Ultimate Ninja entered his office and shut the door to the
monitor room, shutting out the sounds of bickering Legionnaires.
[See SotN #2 -- Ed.]
Deductive Logic Man pushed his bowler back on his head and
regarded the LNH leader. "Anything?" he asked, referring to the
LNH remote monitoring of the Saviors of the Net.
"Not yet," the ninja admitted. "They almost certainly know we're
watching them. But it is possible that one of them will make a
mistake and give us a clue to what they're really up to."
The Legion's resident detective nodded as he thumbed a remote
control, switching off the video playback of the Saviors'
appearance on the McLaughlin Man show. [In SotN #1 -- Ed.]
"Thanks for coming in, by the way," Ultimate Ninja said. "What
did you learn?"
"Not much beyond the obvious." The bowler slid forward on the
detective's forehead as he ticked off points on his fingers.
"The whole thing was staged, of course. Jesse Cashew isn't the
Ultimate Savior's real name. At least one, but probably more, of
the other members have reason to fear their faces being shown or
their true names revealed. Distributing those mugs and T-shirts
is a key part of their plan, although not to raise funds.
They're desperately, almost comically, afraid of the LNH -- and
of you in particular. Oh, and McLaughlin Man dyes his hair."
Ultimate Ninja grunted softly. "I suppose this is where I'm
supposed to do the Dr. Watson bit and ask you to explain your
amazing deductions."
"If you don't, I will," Librarian Lady said, coming into the room
with a stack of books, which she plunked down on an end table.
"There's no Cashew family listed in any Grassroots Metropolitan
Area phone book, newspaper, birth certificate, marriage license,
death certificate, or deed for the last fifty years. How did you
know?"
* * * * * *
Meanwhile, in a downtown Net.ropolis alley, a pair of
leather-jacketed teens advanced menacingly toward a younger boy.
"Hey, punk give us your lunch money," one of them sneered.
_Lunch money?_ Mainstream Man, perched on a fire escape three
stories above them, thought. _Who is this guy, Eddie Haskell?_
He vaulted over the railing with a sigh, kicking the switchblade
out of the first punk's hand on the way down. As he spun rapidly
to duck the second thug's blow, a strange voice echoed forth from
an even stranger figure at the mouth of the alley.
"Violence is not the answer, Cousin Human," the voice said.
Mainstream Man recognized the large hirsute figure in a trench
coat as Gothic Gorilla, one of the Saviors of the Net. "If these
two want lunch money, then lunch money they shall have." With
that, the Simian Sorcerer rubbed a silver pin on his lapel and
chanted sonorously, "Ipso facto, Quid pro quo, Pommes frites,
Dine In, or To Go?"
Strange mists, smelly oddly of fried food, swirled forth from the
ape's outstretched palm, quickly engulfing the two hoods. When
the mists cleared a second later, the pair were wearing the
unmistakable paper hat, mustard-yellow vest and clip-on bow tie
uniform of a counter worker at Happy Friendly Burger. "Don't you
boys have a milkshake machine to clean?" Gothic Gorilla asked
innocently, as the two fled in horror down the street. He ambled
off, chuckling softly to himself, leaving Mainstream Man to stand
in the alley, lost in thought. One of the pins on the mystical
ape's trench coat was oddly familiar: an upside-down ankh with a
smiley face in the loop. He couldn't for the life of him
remember where he'd seen it before.
* * * * * *
Deductive Logic Man held up a finger and rewound the tape to the
spot where the Ultimate Savior revealed his name. "Well to start
off, I'd like to give my real name to those out there that might
not know me. I'm Jesse Cashew and I'm from the heartland of
Loonited States, Grassroots Ame.RACC.a." [That's in SotN #1,
again -- Ed.]
"Listen to how he swallows the long 'u' sound in 'Cashew' and
'Grassroots.' That's not a Midwestern accent. Compare how
quickly he delivered that whole line with the rest of his
performance."
"'Performance.' Earlier you mentioned that the whole event was
staged. How did you know that?" Librarian Lady asked.
"Look at this." He fast forwarded to the appearance of the Spham
King and his minions. After the Spham King announced his
presence, the camera swung rapidly around to find him. "This,
you'd expect. The cameraman supposedly didn't know this was
going to happen, so it would take a second for him to find the
villains and focus on their leader. But look at this scene from
the fight." He spun the tape further on, to the point where Mood
Arrow fired a flurry of arrows at the seven intruders. The
camera panned from right to left, clearly showing each villain
take a guilt arrow to the stomach. "The timing is perfect. We
can accept that the cameraman correctly surmised that the archer
would fire at them all in a row, since that's the most natural
way to shoot a group of targets. But notice that he fired at the
Human Warehouse first and Triple X Girl last. The Human
Warehouse was on Mood Arrow's right, which is an unnatural place
to start for a right-handed shooter. We can see here . . . " he
wound the tape back a few frames and paused it. "that Mood Arrow
is in fact left-handed. But supposedly no one has seen the
Saviors of the Net before today. Also, here . . . " he spun the
tape forward again, to right before the spot where Captain
Killfile "removed" their helpless foes. "Notice that the camera
actually cut to Captain Killfile BEFORE the Ultimate Savior
addressed her."
* * * * * *
California Kid glided silently through the night, three feet
above the ground on his rocket surfboard. This whole Saviors of
the Net trip was harshing his mellow big time. He needed to feel
the wind in his face; it helped him get centered. He wasn't on
patrol, per se, but as he often said, "The superhero gig is
24/7." So when he heard the woman scream, he made a banking
U-turn and boarded back toward C|Net.ral Park.
"There's the freaked-out honey," he muttered, "and what made her
freak, too." He was momentarily distracted by the girl's beauty
("She's a hottie too," he whispered under his breath) but was
more concerned with the strange frog-like men (or were they giant
manlike frogs?) hopping out of an open manhole.
"Then, while I'm trying to scope these froggy dudes out, figure
what their basic damage is," he later told his fellow
Legionnaires, "this extra-trippy dude all made out of glass and
full of crazy-looking fish pops up. Now, I figure this is the
Human Aquarium, one of those bogus Savior dudes, so I decide to
chill and see what the score is.
"So next the Fishy One pulls out this basketball, made of the
same stuff as the rest of him, and tosses it at the froggy types
like Shaq about to miss another free throw. But then the
basketball starts to grow, like into a medicine ball, and then
into that super-big ball from elementary school, where half the
class would get on each side and you'd try to run each other over
with it or something. Just before the giant ball lands on the
extra slimies, Fish tank guy says, 'Back to Innsmouth with you
lot!" and then -- schloop! -- it swallows them up and
disappears".
"Yo, Aquarium Dude!" he called out. "Nice save!"
"Thank you, friend," the stranger replied politely. "Would you
like to buy a T-shirt?"
* * * * * *
"Not bad," the Ultimate Ninja admitted, which was great praise
indeed from the normally taciturn martial artist. "What about
the rest of it? How they're afraid of me and don't want their
faces shown?"
"Their leader patterned his name on yours and spoke nostalgically
of the time when Rebel Yell led the Legion. Yet he flinches
visibly when anyone says the word 'Ultimate.' Even McLaughlin
Man picked up on that and started calling him 'US' as his team
mates do. That they don't want their faces shown is evidenced by
the fact that only the Ultimate Savior, Captain Killfile and Dr.
Net.ropolis appeared in good focus and for more than a brief
glimpse after they all unmasked. Again, we already know that the
event was staged, so the selection of which 'heroes' to feature
with close-ups must have been deliberate as well. Also, the
Sphammers conveniently attacked before anyone else was asked his
or her real name.
"As for the merchandising," he said, turning off the VCR again,
"it's obvious that they're not selling those mugs and T-shirts to
raise money. They'd have to sell . . . sixteen mugs and sixteen
T-shirts for every man, woman and child in the country to make
what Vivian Net.ropolis makes from patent royalties in a single
week."
"Are we sure it's the real Dr. Net.ropolis?" Librarian Lady
asked, fetching a copy of WHO'S WHO IN PSEUDOSCIENCE from the
stack of books she'd brought in earlier.
"Good point," Deductive Logic Man said. "I assume, from the
amount of care they've taken with this entire project, that they
wouldn't risk impersonating a relatively well-known scientist,
but that is just an assumption."
"Anything else?" Ultimate Ninja asked. "Any other observations,
or thoughts on what they'll do next?"
"If, as I think likely, their aim is to goad the LNH into an
all-out assault, they'll probably try a three-pronged approach.
First, they'll continue the media campaign, probably with
'surprise' attacks from supervillains on a regular basis.
Second, they'll try to recruit former or even current
Legionnaires who'll agree to unmask on TV and renounce the
Legion. Third, they'll try to upstage us in fighting crime:
swoop in at the last minute, grab all the glory, really rub the
LNH's nose in the fact that they're taking over our turf."
"What would you suggest we do about it?"
"Again, three things. First, you issue a standing order that
nobody in the LNH is to respond in any way to insults, innuendoes
or anything short of an unprovoked physical attack from any of
the Saviors. Second, we start our own media campaign to point up
that the Saviors are not what they seem. Although this may not
be very successful if they've actually brainwashed or hypnotized
large numbers of citizens. They did seem to have that effect on
McLaughlin Man's audience, but we can draw no conclusions from
that. The audience may have been in on the gag. Even if they
weren't, it seems that the typical audience member for his show
is somewhat gullible."
"That's not important right now. We can try the media angle and
see what happens. What's the third thing?"
"We give them one of the things they want. An LNH member quits
and joins up with them."
"As a double agent, you mean?" Librarian Lady asked.
"Exactly. This will be very tricky, as they'll be on their guard
against such a trick. We'll need somebody who can convincingly
quit the Legion and stand up to whatever tests the Saviors can
muster."
"And I know just the person for the --" Ultimate Ninja began,
before he was interrupted by Bad-Timing Boy bursting in from the
monitor room.
"Oh jeez, sir, I'm real sorry to interrupt you and everything but
you gotta see this!"
"What is it?" The LNH leader was already on his way out the
door.
"It's Self-Righteous Preacher, sir. He's . . . well, look!"
Bad-Timing Boy pointed to the monitor where he and Contraption
Man had been watching the Ultimate Savior.
On the screen, Self-Righteous Preacher led a small but
fanatical-looking band of protesters toward the bulwark of the
Saviors' alt.comics.lnh headquarters.
"Blasphemy!" he screamed, his face red and choking with rage.
"This charlatan calls himself the Ultimate Savior! There is no
need for a so-called Ultimate Savior! There is only one Savior
and his name is Jesus Christ!"
Several of his followers shouted "Amen!" and "Tell it, brother!"
at this point.
Self-Righteous Preacher continued, "We will not stand for this
mockery of our Lord and our true Savior for one more minute! I
demand that this Jesse Cashew show himself and explain his
hateful actions!"
In the monitor room, Contraption Man pointed at the image of the
fundamentalist LNHer's forehead. "Oh, man. Is that red dot what
I think it is?"
"It's a laser sight," Ultimate Ninja agreed. "But where's it
coming from?"
"It's Captain Killfile," said Renegade Programmer, who'd been
monitoring her. "And she's got both gauntlets aimed straight at
Self-Righteous Preacher!"
[To be continued in Saviors of the Net #4.]
[Written by somebody else.]
[I hope.]
* * * * * *
Copyright 1998 by Steven Howard
The Saviors of the Net, Ultimate Savior, Gothic Gorilla, Captain
Killfile, Dr. Net.ropolis, the Human Aquarium, Mood Arrow, the
Spham King, the Seven Deadly Sphammers, Triple X Girl, and the
Human Warehouse, along with the crossover concept, created by
Arthur Spitzer.
Ultimate Ninja, Deductive Logic Man, Self-Righteous Preacher,
Renegade Programmer and McLaughlin Man created by Ray Bingham.
Librarian Lady created by Saxon Brenton.
Bad-Timing Boy, California Kid, Contraption Man and Mainstream
Man created by person or persons unknown.
The Deep Ones and Innsmouth created by H.P. Lovecraft.
From: tiffer003 at aol.com (TIFFER003)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Subject: LNH: Saviors of the NET # Pi
Date: 8 Oct 1998 22:31:14 GMT
__
___ | / \
| | S A V I O R S # \__/ |
|__ | F THE NET | 22 |
| ---- |
\ 7 \
SAVIORS OF THE NET # PI
"3.142857142857 + The Saviors of the Net"
Equals Big Trouble for the LNH
My name is Joan St. Claire, and I used to be a member of the Saviors of the
Net. USED to be being the point I want to emphasize. Our plan was so simple .
. . yet, as luck would have it, it was too simple. Simple enough for a child
to discover. That simple. Our problem was that a child did.
No one knows why the unfortunate hacker had decided to go into our system, but
once Alt. Lord discovered, he had to be silenced. I protested. Alt. Lord
stripped me of my powers, beat me and tossed me into the street with a warning:
tell anyone and you'll be smothered into the pavement. It was a quite
disturbing visual, to be sure.
I watched on television as Alt. Lord and the others . . . their identities
changed so that if I did leak any information, than they wouldn't be found out
. . . made themselves known. I knew I had to do something.
In this diary, there is the key to defeating all of the Saviors of the Net,
and their plans, outlined in detail. I need to get it to the Legion. But if
one of them finds me, and eliminates me, then I'll have to hope that some
person on the street finds it and carries out the mission. It's a slim chance,
and because of that, I'm the only hope for the Legion.
I may have lost the powers I had as Arc, but I can still fight.
I hope.
Five minutes had passed in the LNH control deck as Deductive Logic Man and the
Ultimate Ninja looked at the screen. Self- Righteous Preacher had been leading
a rally there, when he was shot in the back of the head. There was a sudden
gasp about the crowd as he fell to the ground.
The Saviors of the Net appeared on the scene immediately. Captain Killfile
pointed to the area where the shot had come from, and up there was a large man
with a huge Afro. Sparkling white teeth and a canine overbite, he laughed
evilly as he revealed a gun from his large, flowing, papal robes.
The Ninja's eyes narrowed. "Turn back the tape."
"All right," said Deductive Logic Man, "and I think I know what you're asking
for. I follow you. You see, when we saw the sniper, it was Dr. Killfile who
was aiming for the preacher's head. But now, this is someone new . . ."
"No, it's not."
"It's not?"
"Look here," the Ninja said. "Access the anime- related files."
"All right," said Deductive Logic Man. A handful of names popped up.
"Open Fuzzboy's file."
"Okay . . . blast! That is Fuzzboy!"
"Not quite," said the Ninja. "He's slightly taller."
"I deduce that we should do a height comparison between the two pictures."
"Do it."
"Just a moment . . ."
The Ninja scratched his chin.
"Yes. The apparent assassin is four feet tall, while Fuzzboy is barely 3 feet
tall."
The screen flipped back to the scene, as the Saviors of the Net chased Fuzzboy
off.
"It's a fake."
"Yes. But does he have any doppelgangers?"
"Yes, he does. But that one's six feet tall with a white Afro. Eyes are two
shades brighter as well."
"How can you tell that-oh, wait. Your ninja senses."
The Ninja nodded slightly.
"What now?"
"Your plan of attack was sound, Deductive Logic Man. However, I think it
might have to be modified a bit. First, summon Fuzzboy and Manga Girl here."
"All right."
"I want them to find Very Disturbed Scary Creature Man. He's the only member
who's not present. I want him found, and I want Fuzzboy to clear his name."
"That sounds sound, for lack of better terms."
"Good. Now, summon Nudist Man."
"Nudist Man?"
"Yes. He will infiltrate their ranks. And he hasn't a mask to unmask, so the
Legion loses nothing."
"But what if they kill him?"
"As I said, the Legion loses nothing."
"Ah."
"I'm going to McLaughlin's studio. I have a hunch."
"Ah. But what about Self- Righteous Preacher, sir?"
The Ninja was silent. "What's done is done."
"That sounds awfully cold of you, sir."
"Fine. How about this? Let's get those bastards who killed Self- Righteous
Preacher?"
"Better."
The Ninja left.
Deductive Logic Man stroked his chin. "Now, how should I revise the plan?"
The television blipped on as a commercial appeared.
Three identical little girls appeared on the screen.
"Do you need money?"
"Have you been injured in an accident?"
"Do you want to sue someone for all that they've got?"
"Well, we're Sister . . ."
"Sister . . ."
"And Sister . . ."
"We're all Sisters!" said all of them in unison.
"We're the Three Annoying Little Sisters," spoke up one.
"ATTORNEYS AT LAW!" they all spoke at once.
Deductive Logic Man began dialing a phone number appearing at the bottom of
the screen.
"Holy Carrie Fisher!" cried Fuzzboy. "This sucks!"
"Will you stop whining?"
"I'm not whining!"
"You are too," Manga Girl scolded. "We'll find whoever is behind this. We
always do."
"I . . . I guess so."
"What d'ya mean, I guess so?"
Manga Girl stopped her flying cloud and Fuzzboy stopped his rooftop hopping.
"Well, Mango, I'm kind of worried about . . . us."
"That is the lamest line I've ever heard."
"It's also true," Fuzzboy said with a meek expression on his face.
"Why are you worried about us?"
"Well, first of all, your always-always-always flirting!"
"So?"
"What do you mean, so? That makes me jealous!"
"You're cute when you're jealous."
"That's not the point."
"Then what is?"
"I care about you Mango, I love you, but . . . I don't want to have to compete
with other people for you."
"Fuzzy . . ."
There was a silence for a few moments. Manga Girl started up on her cloud
again.
"Let's go."
"But . . ."
"Let's go, Fuzzy. We'll talk about it after we nab these guys."
" . . ."
"Are you coming or not? We have a very disturbed scary creature to find."
"Let's go, Mango."
McLaughlin Man sat in his dressing room, straightening his tie. As he did, he
found something sharp appear by his throat.
"McLaughlin."
"Ultimate Ninja," McLaughlin said with disgust. "What do you want? Afraid of
the Saviors?"
"In no way, shape, or form, McLaughlin. I want answers. I want them now."
"Now? Mighty demanding, aren't we?"
"My patience is as thin as you are fat. Answers . . . now." The Ninja shoved
McLaughlin into the mirror, not breaking it, and grabbed hold of his hair.
"I'm sorry to result to such violent, drastic measures. I want information."
"I . . .I . . ."
"About your show, not your Saviors. We'll find out enough about them soon
enough."
"Shoot."
"How many cameras does your show use?"
"F-Four."
"Excellent. Is there a delay from feed to home?"
"Y-yes . . . about thirty seconds . . ."
"Good." The Ninja plopped the man back into his seat, took a jelly donut, and
stuffed it in McLaughlin's mouth. "Eat."
"You want to join the Saviors?" asked Captain Killfile, curious. She looked
at Nudist Man. He looked at her.
"Yes, yes I do," said Nudist Man.
"Why?" asked Mood Arrow, narrowing his eyebrow.
"All of the people around LNHQ . . . all of the women . . . they always look
at me and my body."
"I think I know why," Dr. Net.ropolis said.
Captain Killfile looked extremely sad for Nudist Man. "We won't treat you
like that."
"That's right. US strongly disagrees with the whole idea of . . . well, you
know."
"So . . . does that mean I can join?" asked Nudist Man.
"Of course," said Captain Killfile, grinning evilly. "After your renounce the
Legion, that is."
"I-I will, Captain Killfile! I will!"
"Excellent," whispered the Ultimate Savior, seeing the scene from the shadows.
"Excellent."
The body of Self- Righteous Preacher lay in the morgue, having been examined.
He was dead. Cannon Fodder couldn't believe it. "It's too bad, SRP. Happens
every once in a while."
He turned, crying.
A hand fell on his shoulder and he turned back. "Self- Righteous Preacher!
You-you're alive!"
"No," said the body in an unearthly voice. "HE Is DEAD! Now there is only
VICE!"
A blast of black energy left a large hole in Cannon Fodder.
He died.
DUH.
The Ninja returned to the control room. "Deductive Logic Man?"
"Yes, Ultimate Ninja?"
"Your theory has been disproven. McLaughlin has a thirty- second delay and
four different cameras. Ample time for a director to cut between the most
logical shots. So the Saviors of the Net would have an alibi."
"Ah," said Deductive Logic Man. "I've decided to try out a new, more American
approach."
"Such as?"
Deductive Logic Man heard a knock on the door. "There it is now."
He opened it, and three six- year- old, identical girls in business suits
appeared.
"We're Sister . . ."
"Sister . . ."
And Sister . . ."
"ATTORNEYS AT LAW!"
"We're going to sue them."
NEXT TIME: I don't know! I'm probably not writing it!
Notes: Vice is Self- Righteous Preacher's repressed dark side, last seen in
the horribly written Malingerer Lad and Teenfactor # 20. Basically he's
completely, totally evil, hits and abuses women, children, etc. Every last sin
in the world? That's Vice personified. Have fun.
Manga Girl and Fuzzboy, for this crossover and this crossover only, are
declared public domain. If you want to use them somewhere else, ask me.
Same deal with the Three Annoying Little Sisters and Nudist Man. Basically,
the deal is with the former that they ruin everyone and everything they try to
do for anyone. They're related to Lwo Ispep. Nudist Man is left over from the
60's, not much on him.
I just created Joan, aka Arc, and any moron can see where I got the name from.
Anyway, she's just for this crossover and has the same kind of deal as Mango
and Fuzzy do.
This was a 48 minute comic, which is a variation of a 24 minute comic.
1998 Copyright Tom Russell Jnr.
Ultimate NInja: Ray Bingham
Deductive Logic Man: Not Reserved
The Saviors: Arthur Spitzer/ Not Reserved
Tom Russell Jnr.
http://members.aol.com/TIFFER003/kill.marvel.spidey.html
"Let us never mention Batman again."
"What did I tell you about mentioning Batman? SLAP SLAP SLAP"
--Me, talking to Kieran O' Callaghan
==========
Next Week: Saviors of the NET Part III!
==========
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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