LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #39: The Crimes of the Brotherhood Part Two

[Drew Perron]

On 12/10/2017 3:50 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
> In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
> https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/
> we have the second section of the whole EMPLOYEE-EMPOWERED, PARADIGM-SHIFTED,
> INDIVIDUAL-OWNERSHIP, DOWNSIZED, STREAMLINED, REENVIGORATED CRIMES of
> the BROTHERHOOD of NET.VILLAINS!!

WOOOOOOO

> Pseudo Random House Presents...
> 
> The long delayed, quite belated, people was starting to wonder
> about it adventures of...

Relatable

> Part Of THE EMPLOYEE-EMPOWERED, PARADIGM-SHIFTED,
> INDIVIDUAL-OWNERSHIP, DOWNSIZED, STREAMLINED, REENVIGORATED CRIMES
> OF THE BROTHERHOOD of NET.VILLAINS! (M...O...U...S...E...)

I don't think she's in this one

> ISSUE RECAP: (Warning! None of this makes ANY SENSE. On the other
> hand, the author won rACCIE's, so we just humor him and keep
> tossing him raw meat and caffeine laden soda.)

Relatable x2

> Oh yeah,
> and there was some sort of blather about Tyrol and Hy-Dee and the
> Mountains of Impalement, but to be honest, nobody was paying any
> attention anyway.

Fantasy worldbuilding.tiff

>       "You've got to be kidding me." David Divad, aka Swordmaster,
> aka the really confused guy in red chain mail, stood in a sort of
> weary shock as the myserious menace on the throne revealed himself
> to be...yet another clone of himself.
>       "Nope. I'm one of the Retcon Hour clones, here to destroy
> you."

Nice and easy.

>       "Look, can we just get this OVER with? I've got a dimension
> full of yodelers to crush." (Editors Note: Get it? Hy-Dee? Tyrol?
> Any of this registering? It's a pun. Sheesh. That's a long way to
> go for a groan of agony.)

I really don't get it, even as it's being explained to me. X3

> With almost as much enthusiasm as
> he would show were he going for a vasectomy from Bill Murray,

Why Bill Murray? XD

>       "You do realize how silly this is?"
>       "How so?"
>       "Well, if I'm Swordmaster, and YOU are Swordmaster, then we'll
> just keep getting better and better and better exponentially, and
> we'll never win.

AH! Since I first read it waaaaaay back in my early days of going through the 
Eyrie archive in the '90s, this concept stuck in my mind - the idea that someone 
who is by definition the best sword-fighter in the room meeting someone who's 
the same would turn into an infinite ascending loop of Good At Swords. That they 
would passively feed off each other in the background and, perhaps, ascend to 
become a Cosmic Sword Deity.

Or somesuch.

>       "Why not something neither of us is all that good at?"
>       "Like what?"
>       "Why not play checkers?"

Heeheehee

>       "What!? They've stopped fighting and are PLAYING CHECKERS!?
> How am I ever going to manipulate the LNH into defeating each other
> if I can't even get a second stringer like Swordmaster to do it?
> Oh, I'll be laughed out of the Brotherhood of Net.Villains for
> sure!"

Nice. <3

> The rather barren chamber had posters
> of all the Rocky pictures save the first one, as well as a complete
> collection of the works of Edgar Rice Burroughs.

Wow, huge slam on Burroughs. X3

> And now,
> even with this already-used object of cosmic potency, even with a
> plot that's already happened TWICE, I can't get it to work right!
> I keep getting defeated OVER and OVER again! It's almost as if
> everything I do is repeating itself!"

Comment A: If you look up "tragic flaw" in the Infinity Dictionary, you get this 
story.

>       When he'd finally found it, he'd covered the whole world
> twice. But at last it was in his possession. Sure, it was filthy,
> mangled, scratched up, scortched, almost as if someone was trying
> to destroy it. (I myself blame Bartels.) But like all potent cosmic
> artifacts, with a little soap and water and some electrical tape,
> it had been easily put right. Now, it was his.
>       The figure turned its head just enough for its profile to
> show, and plopped the Fez onto its head.

Oh, this is the one from Retcon Hour! Dammit, I gotta get the wiki working so I 
can put this stuff in. ...but honestly, I'm just gonna read through this and 
comment on it, because that's gonna be Hard at this point and I need more 
enjoyment in my life right now

>       "So if everything is repeating itself...and I know it is,
> because that's the point...why not send MORE old storylines after
> Swordmaster? That'll teach him to thwart the plots of...REPETITIVE
> LAD!" After that dramatic (And redundant) revelation of his
> identity, our villain leaned back and laughed in a very familiar
> way. "Once I've taken him out, I can use this EXACT SAME PLAN to
> destroy the LNH! And then I can go back and rob every bank I've
> attempted to rob in the past! I love it!"

See comment A.

> Nevertheless, he was winning,
> and once he had...then what? It hadn't occured to him that it would
> be awfully difficult to enforce his win without resorting to yet
> ANOTHER interminable swordfight...and if this guy's an evil clone
> of me, what's to keep him from breaking his word?

I'm glad he's thinking about this before it comes up.

>       "It is simple, my old enemy! These men are the pirates of the
> one, the only...THE PIRATE KING!" A ridiculously overdressed Pirate
> with a gold encrusted eyepatch and a huge, bejeweled scimitar swung
> out of nowhere on a rope and landed before the two stunned
> swordsmen, and promptly performed a snappy pihrouette.
>       "He is the Pirate King, he is the Pirate King, it is it is a
> glorious thing to be the Pirate King..."

I love him. :o

>       "OW! Wait...I've got an idea! If it's two Swordmasters teaming
> up...then why not send ANOTHER group of repeat badguys...THE CLOWN
> and MIME NINJA! I'm so glad I've read the Eyrie archives..." >       So chortling in his droning, deja vu way, Repetitive Lad
> summoned the power of the Fez again...not noticing the smoke
> beginning to rise from the hatband...

See comment A.

> The
> Pirate King, festooned in his gaudiest outfit ever (He looked sort
> of like a cross between Long John Silver and Liberace)

I LOVE HIM.

>       "Wait a minute! We can't kill him!"
>       "Why not!?"
>       "Take a look around you." David gestured as the circle of
> warlike entertainers got tighter. "Much as I hate to admit it...we
> need him."
>       "So a truce! We three shall sally forth against these minions
> of darkness..."
>       "SHUT UP!"

Heeheehee

>       "NOW THEY'RE TEAMING UP WITH THE PIRATE KING TO FIGHT THE
> NINJA!? WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH THIS FEZ!?"

See comment A.

> A farm kid named McCoskey had been
> taken to attempt a universal message of peace and harmony...and
> he'd done fine.

Awwwwww. <3

>       "Oh, MAN! It's just repeating itself! Doing the same stuff
> over and over again! It's lapping the events! This stupid Fez
> sucks! I should have just gotten a big gun and robbed a bank."
>       Tearing the Fez off of his head in disgust, RL stared at it.
> "I wish this damn thing was in Sri Lanka!"

See comment A.

>       He blinked. Blinked again. Looked around his cubbyhole, at the
> cubicle walls where he'd been attempting to come up with a plan.
> He thought of Homage's face when he found out about this.
>       "I'd better get to work on another plan. Maybe if I could find
> some sort of cosmically powerful artifact...I remember reading
> about a ring somewhere..."

Heeheehee

>       By then, the mimes and clowns had vanished. And before David's
> eyes, Tyrol was doing a slow fade as well. Leaving him....
>       Nowhere.
>       "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" David wasn't
> sure if he was falling or not, but he figured when there was
> nothing around you anywhere, it was a safe course of action.

It's a good point

>       "What is it, RACCtre?"
>       {{{There is danger in a green and pleasant land. We must
> go...but first, I will bring the others here.}}}

Welp, crossover's over!

>       {{{There is no time for reunion joy. Know you that a menace
> comes that we must confront. We must go to...LONDON.NET!}}} The
> RACCtre pointed to a lego mock up of London.Net that CAW had been
> working on.
>       "London.Net!"
>       "London.Net?"
>       "London.Net."
>       "It's only a model!"

Heeheehee

> David stepped forward, exhaustion warring
> with outrage on his face. "I'm not going anywhere unless you give
> me a really good reason."
>       {{{The fate of the world is at stake.}}}
>       "That's a pretty good reason."

*snerk*

> SWORDY AND THE LIR MEET THE LEGION OF OCCULT HEROES! SO MUCH
> CARNAGE THAT IT MAKES AN OMEGA BOOK LOOK LIKE A GRAMMAR SCHOOL
> PRODUCTION OF OUR TOWN!

I was trying to reread LOH a few years back and got completely stuck on the 
Swordmaster crossover. It's basically as long as the rest of the series put 
together?

> NUMBER FORTY-TWO
> 
> "THE ANSWER"

Heeheehee

> Writer's note: This title has nothing to do with the story.
> But it's issue #42, what else am I supposed to do?

A Steven Universe homage? :>

> Next issue, this title becomes (for a limited time only),
> 
> THE BARE-KNUCKLED, HEAVILY MUSCLED, MACHO ADVENTURES
>                 OF VIGILANTE GUY!
> 
> ************************************************************
> 
>     "Heavily Muscled?"
>     [It was either that or Manly-Smelling.]
>     "Right. Carry on."

Heeheehee

>     The sandpiper landed on the beach and rested for a moment.
> The night air was cold, so the sandpiper took a moment to
> concentrate. With a ripple of liquid, feathers were replaced by
> fur, and where once there had been a small bird, there was
> a not-as-small dog.

Speciesfluid goals.

>     Vigilante Guy studied the screen with interest. The file
> he was reading was a synopsis of the Crisis of Infinite
> Sidekicks [last fall's blockbuster crossover--without a
> doubt the finest piece of writing ever to feature a character
> called "Altar Boy"].

Def.

>     One of the first to fall to his sinister machinations
> was Jack Serious, his and D-Dude's sidekick. Jack had gone
> missing for many months, and had turned up briefly after the
> Crisis, but Vig had lost track of him during the recent
> craziness. It was only last week that Vig realized Jack
> wasn't in the headquarters anymore.

Welp. ^^; (the writer forgot about this plot didn't he)

>     He hopped up on a toilet seat and concentrated again. [And you
> can bloody well get your minds out of the gutter.]

Look, everybody poops

>     "I just don't know about this 'empowerment' stuff," Robgoblin
> muttered. "Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I like it when we get
> orders barked at us and fly off into the dank night, doing our
> master's dark bidding."

This is an interesting characterization of Robgoblin. No idea if it matches up 
with any other characterization of him, but I find it compelling.

>     _Does he suspect? What if I'm found out! ENNUI!!!_ X-Intruder
> angsted.

This is an interesting characterization of X-Intruder. No idea if it matches up 
with any other characterization of him, but I find it compelling.

*turns keyboard upside-down and shakes out the last of Repetitive Lad's power*

>     "Yeah..." Robgoblin was warming to the idea. "Yeah! Wow! That's
> a _great_ idea! An idea like that could make a fella's thighs _huge!_"

THIS IS SUCH A GOOD LINE. XD

>     "Yes..." said X-Intruder. _And then, fool, when you suspect it
> least...I shall DESTROY you!_
>     "ADVANTAGEOUS!!" they shrieked together.

Bwahahaha.

>     "Hmmm. Well, I could use a legitimate process of investigative
> techniques, stretching my concentration to its very limits...or I
> could just cause a ruckus." Vig dug into his pockets and pulled
> out a quarter. He flipped it , grabbed it and slapped it onto his
> hand.
>     "Ruckus it is!"

Love it.

>     "Hey!" came a feminine voice from over the flight thingee's
> communicator. "What's all this brouhaha?"
>     "Brouhaha? Ha ha ha...hey!" Vig shouted. "Who is this?"
>     "This is Moist Lass of the Sidekick Squad, and I want you to
> put an end to all that hoopla!"
>     "Hoopla? This isn't hoopla. This is a ruckus."
>     "Don't try to kid me! I heard hoopla!"
>     "But you just said it was a brouhaha!"
>     "Brouhaha and hoopla are synonymous."

Heeheehee X3

>     "Can I help--oh, it's you," the young man said, not terribly
> pleased to see the man in the dark suit.
>     "Gepetto," said the man in the dark suit.

Interesting.

>     "I don't do that kind of stuff anymore," Gepetto said.
>     "But I need you. I can pay well. I just need to get to my
> place and see what's what."
>     "Look, I--"
>     "$500,000."
>     "Talk to me."

That could pay off a lotta student loans.

>     "It should never have come to this," said Vig. "He just--"
>     "Got lost in the shuffle?" said Moist Lass. "Always the way
> with sidekicks, isn't it?

Ouch.

>     "The west wing. Let's hop into the teleporter."
>     "You need a teleporter to get to the west wing?"

You fool, don't give Aaron Sorkin a teleporter
>     "Ya know," he said, "I don't think a bunch of crummy sidekicks
> deserve to have a place like this."
>     "We could move the whole Brotherhood in here," said Robgoblin.
> "Charge 'em rent..."
>     "Poke around in their stuff when they're out..."
>     "Go through their underwear drawer!" they said together. They
> considered that for a moment.
>     "That'd be a little sick, wouldn't it?" Robgoblin asked.
>     "A bit."

This is a great dynamic. X3

>     Vig looked around the ready room of the headquarters; if
> there was one thing it wasn't, it was ready.

Heeheehee

>     The remaining Sidekicks remained in the Ready Room, gazing at
> a wall of monitors which was currently showing a "Friends"
> rerun.
>     They never saw the huge bicep which knocked them all out.

Oh thank god, they didn't have to watch Friends anymore

> I'd better get
> back to the others...I've been trying to keep them motivated,
> but all they do is sit around, watching "Friends," "Family Ties,"
> "The Trouble With Larry...""

D: D: D:

>     "And _then,_ when I finally get out of it, when I finally come
> home, do I get any support? Do I get any help? NOOOOOOO! Sorry,
> but me and D-Dude have our own problems!"

This is honestly pretty strong.

> Then, X-Intruder raised his hand.
>     "Alter," he said.
>     Reality ebbed away from Vig. He collapsed, losing consciousness
> for a moment.
> 
>     Where--what was this place? Rex rubbed the back of his head
> and got to his feet. He looked around the ruined landscape, the
> streets thick with skeletons and debris, the torched buildings,
> the black sky,
>     Oh, Net.tropolis. Of course.
>     "You!" Rex stood at attention as two Highlords came up to
> him. "Ready for your mission, soldier?"
>     "Sir yes sir!" Rex shouted.
>     "All right. We have it on authority that there are four
> renegades hereabouts, four...'net.heroes.' Do you understand
> what must be done?"
>     Rex moved a shell into place on the shotgun.
>     "Loud and clear, sir!"

ooooooh, nice.

>     "How'd you do this?" he asked.
>     "It's a recent...improvement in my powers," X-Intruder said.
> "I now have the ability to make someone believe they're trapped
> in a scorched-earth scenario, an...apocalyptic reality, if
> you will. He and the Sidekick Squad will kill each other...
> and we'll have this place all to ourselves!"

Oh, so *that*'s what that issue of Limp-Asparagus Lad was referencing.

>     "ADVANTAGEOUS!" Robgoblin shouted.

That's really more of a Todd McFarlane thing.

> For instance, they
> were all under the belief that they were a ragtag group of rebels
> struggling to bring down an evil dictator who should never have
> come to power.

2018 mood

>  And, being Robgoblinized, they now sported goofy code-names.
>     "Hey, Stynk!" said the man called Huge (the artist formerly known
> as Unperceptive Lad). "What are we gonna do when we find this
> guy?"
>     "Yo, man, we're gonna pulverize him!" replied Stynk. "Isn't
> that right, Wordsmyth?"
>     "Advantageous!" shouted Wordsmyth, a.k.a. Kid Shakespeare. "Elucidate!
> Pernicious!"
>     "You said it!" said Waterworks, formerly Moist Lass. "I can't
> wait to get this over with so I can go lounge around scantily clad
> some more. It's a lot more fun than fighting evil scantily clad."

This is genuinely great. X3

>     Vig noticed something on Jack's back as he thrashed around
> in the throes of angst.
>     "What's this button?"
>     "What button? Oh, the pain, the pain..."
>     "This one that says 'Retract.'" He reached out and pushed it.
> Immediately, the metal casings began to pull back, pulling inside
> Jack, until they were gone from sight.
>     "Hey...they're gone! THEY'RE GONE! YAHOOOOOO! I CAN FINALLY
> TAKE A SHOWER AGAIN!"

...pffffft X3; In most stories, I wouldn't stand for the angst being resolved 
this way, but here, it's *perfect*

>     "I'm set," said X-Intruder. "Let's see how they like it when they
> get the adamantium ripped from their bones!"
>     "They don't have adamantium in their bones."
>     "Well, that's why it's going to hurt so much."

XD XD XD COMEDIC BRILLIANCE

>     "I'm here to destroy Vigilante Guy," said the dark man. "And
> I can't very well do it if you're going to keep making his thighs
> huge and all that,

Heeheehee

>     "Look..." growled X-Intruder. "Maybe you don't understand.
> We're here to take over this place. We are _trying_ to make
> a profit here--"
>     "A profit? Is that all? Why didn't you say so?" The dark man
> opened up the briefcase and pulled out a pile of bills. "$50,000.
> That enough of a profit for you?"
>     The net.villains looked at the money. They glanced at the corridor,
> from which was heard the sound of approaching sidekicks. They
> looked at the money again.
>     "ADVANTAGEOUS!" they shouted together.

PERFECT. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 This is such a good way to work a crossover into your 
larger arc - use it as an episodic conflict that shows what your larger plot 
elements do.

>     "Actually..." Watyrworks spoke up. "To be perfectly honest, I
> wouldn't mind staying like this."
>     "What?!"
>     "Well, I mean, you could put my body back the way it's supposed
> to be, but my powers work a lot better now, and...well, to be
> honest, 'Moist Lass' just never worked as a name for me. 'Waterworks,'
> now that I can picture on an action figure."

Hmmmmm. On the one hand, this kind of choice is the kind of thing I love, 
narratively; on the other, it involves the only girl changing herself to be 
super normatively attractive... hmmm...

>     Thomasina Aldredge sat in her cell, quietly reading a book.
> It had been months since her therapy had begun, and now, she felt,
> she'd finally reached a peaceful place. She hadn't had one of her...
> episodes...in quite a while.
>     "Tommy?" came a voice. There didn't seem to be anybody around.
>     "Hullo?"
>     "Tommy...it's me. Can we talk?"

Tommy, can you hear me? Can you feel me near you?

Drew "I'm really enjoying these brief snippets of different series" Perron