LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #31: LNH Triple Play 5
Arthur Spitzer
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Wed Aug 31 16:33:32 PDT 2016
In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/
we have LNH Triple Play #5.
Joltin' Jeff McCoskey deals with the aftermath of Retcon Hour
and Contraption Man in this tale involving Self-Righteous
Preacher and PC Person called "BrainWash, Wring, Use Again".
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| |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \
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|_| OF NET.HEROES
ADVENTURES #31
=====================
LNH Triple Play #5
=====================
From: jmccoske at sedona.intel.com (Jeff McCoskey~)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative,alt.comics.lnh
Subject: LNH: LNH Triple Play #5
Date: 6 Oct 1994 15:18:26 GMT
---' `---' `---' `--- //////////|||||||||||||||\\\\\\\\\ ---' `---' `---' `---
Pseudo-Random House |////////||||||LLLLLLL||||||\\\\\\\| ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY
COMIX >//////.... ( ) ....\\\\\< ISSUE!!
___ ___ ___ ___|.... /|starring ....|___ ___ ___ ___
///`v'///`v'///`v'. HOODED HO`'OD WIN .`v'\\\`v'\\\`v'\\\\\
///////////... || | ...\\\\\\\\\\\\
///////.. ((_______) ..\\\\\\\\
////_______ `------' _______\\\\
///( ) ____ _______ ( )\\\
/// | | | | _ \ / |\\\
SELF-RIGHTEOUS PREACHER______ | | | |_) ) |PC PERSON
|| | | _ \ | | | ===' ____ || |
((_______) | |_) ) `====' `===' | | ((_______)
`------' | \ .. | | `------'
__________ `===='`===' .' `. | \ /~~~~~|
| | : (LNH) : `====== | ,==='
| | `. .' | `~~|
`=== ===' _______ ` ..' ____ ____ | ,=='
`==' | _ \ ____ ____ \ \ / / `======
| |_) ) | | / \ \ `' /
| ===' | | / /\ \ `= ='
`===' | \ | `' | `=='
`====== `==='`==='
... ...
... _______ ...
.. | | ..
| #5 |
Fall 94
\ /
`v'
{Cover is a closeup of an arrogant looking Self Righteous Preacher.
The silver crucifix around his neck has Contraption Man crucified on it.}
*******************************************************************************
"BrainWash, Wring, Use Again"
(a post-Retcon Hour, pre-Dinsdale tale)
*******************************************************************************
Organic Lass gasped involuntarily. Ferris Jones looked up from the
restrained body of Contraption Man. Lightning flashed behind the dark-clad
figure in the slouch hat, highlighting the square of white at his throat. Rain
blew in through the open door. "Step aside," growled the figure. "This is not
within your powers to diagnose, nor cure." The figure strode forward purpose-
fully, into the well-lit Medical Bay, revealing the face of....
"Self-Righteous Preacher? What're you kidding? All that mood for
Self-Righteous Preacher?" asked an exasperated Organic Lass.
"I never realized how much he reminded me of the Asp," mused Ferris.
S-RPreacher shrugged off his overcoat. "You have indeed verified that
there are no chemical or mechanical agents at work?" he asked the Maid of
Molecules.
"I have indeed," she responded wryly
"It is as I feared. Contraption Man's problem is spiritual...."
"Then someone should fetch Occultism Kid..." began Deductive Logic Man.
"YOU WILL NOT ENDANGER THIS MAN'S SOUL FURTHER BY TRUCK WITH THE
OCCULT!" roared the Moral Major. "There will be no redemption unless Contrap-
tion Man himself wills it so. I am equipped to aid him...."
"Wait a minute. Are you telling me _you_ know his problem? Without
even examining him?" Organic Lass was clearly skeptical.
S-RP cast her a withering stare. "Is it not obvious? He served the
leader of the Church of Dvandom. He has been indoctrinated into a cult.
Brainwashed. I alone of the LNH am qualified to de-program him."
=============== Day 1 ===============
Contraption Man, clad only in his jockey shorts for fear of him
cobbling some spandex death-ray from his costume, sulked in the corner of the
Detention Cell. Self-Righteous Preacher glared down at him. In one hand he
held the Vatican 5.5 Revised-To-Account-For-Superpowers-And-Dimensional-Travel
Bible from which he was reading. In the other a piece of strawberry cheesecake.
Contraption Man eyed the dessert hungrily.
"....and the prophet Ditko said 'With Great Power, Comes Great
Responsibility, Praise God.' You have heard the word. Do you believe?"
"I believe you LIE!" hissed the Inventing Avenger. "Redemption can
only be found through selfless service to the Acolytes of Dvandom and its lord,
wReamicus Maximus."
"Indeed," sneered S-RP. "And are his rewards as fulfilling as the
Afterlife? Or even as rich as this...delicious...cheesecake?" S-RP gulped
down the delicacy in one bite. Contraption Man's face fell. The Moral Major
dropped the gooey dish to the floor, turned and left the cell. CM pounced at
the dish, only to have it disappear from his grasp.
CM stared in hurt disbelief, then quickly composed himself. He huddled
in the corner and began reciting the Dvandish 'Continuity Creed' over and over.
=============== ===============
Renegade Programmer finished licking the transmatted cheesecake dish.
With red-stained lips he muttered, "Geez. I just feel awful about this. I
mean I know CM is now a villain and all, but S-RP is just tormenting him. He's
one of us for crying out loud."
Ferris had an uncomfortable look on his face. "I know it's difficult
to watch, but this is really his purview. We have to suppose he knows what
he's doing."
"How'd he ever get permission to do this anyway? I mean Cat could help
him like she did Particle Man, Kirby or somebody could get a brainwave machine
going, or Occultism Kid could cast a spell on him. It's gotta be less painful
than this."
"Preacher argued the not-unreasonable position that all that cheats
Contraption Man from becoming his own salvation."
"Hey I'd rather be hooked to a brainwave machine than denied C-E Lad's
strawberry cheesecake any day of the week.
Ferris ignored the Programmer Supreme's words and mused half to
himself, "Still. CM's brainwashing is just a tad too Claremontian. He was
definitely a hero when he joined the LNH. Retcon or not, there's some inves-
tigation to be done...."
=============== Day 2 ===============
It had been three days since Contraption Man's last meal. They contin-
ually gave him water, but under the Preacher's orders, food was forbidden.
Preacher held out a Triple chocolate cheesecake and read from the book of
Schuster, "....God's Truth, Justice and the American Way. Will you now recant
the false savior and embrace the true God?"
In answer, CM snarled and leapt for the wondrous cheesecake. The lanky
Preacher slammed a boot into the Future Man's naked chest, sending him
sprawling back into the corner.
"I take that as a no." S-RP again downed the gooey concoction and left
the plate behind. Again it was transmatted from CM's grasp. Contraption Man
trembled with fury as he hummed the 'Gratuitous Fight Scene Gloria.'
=============== ===============
Chocolate stuck to Renegade Programmer's fingers and lips as he pointed
to the surveillance screen. "Geez, I can't believe he _kicked_ him. He's
getting out of control!"
RP's guest in the computer room stared aghast at what he'd just seen.
"This is outrageous! Prison is one thing, but this? We've blown up secret
supervillain bases for less than this! We're supposed to be the good guys!"
Sidewinder was furious as he rushed for the door.
=============== ===============
Deductive Logic Man studied the census at the Net.ropolitan Public
Library. Without even knowing Contraption Man's family name, it was a
Herculean feat to try to find his living ancestors. But if anyone could
unscramble the thinly-related facts and unlikely guesses, it was the Master of
Deduction.
All he knew for sure was that CM had a talent for tinkering, an
interest in the 20th Century, and an apparent predisposition for religion. The
likelihood that this was rooted generations back seemed slim on the surface,
but since he turned evil in the wake of Retcon Hour, a historical event was not
out of the question. Ferris began searching records for the unlikely com-
bination of contraption-building heroes/villains and religious involvement.
=============== Day 5 ===============
Each day had brought a subsequently grander and more sumptuous cheese-
cake. Each day had also brought longer sermons and harsher treatment by Self-
Righteous Preacher. Contraption Man was gaunt and drawn. He shivered
uncontrollably at the sight of C-E Lad's Big Stack Heapin' Blueberry Beati-
fication Cheesecake.
"Now my son, will you accept the words of the Prophet Kane and quit
the 'superstitious, cowardly lot?' "
Contraption Man regarded the Self-Righteous Preacher with pure hate.
"I will."
A smug smile crossed the Moral Major's face. "Very well, my son. You
may eat."
CM dove head-first into the pungent but oh-so-sweet concoction.
============== ===============
Adamant-Authority-on-Everything, PC Person, Golden Man and Parking
Karma Kid were waiting outside Contraption Man's cell. Sidewinder had railed
about CM's inhumane treatment, rising their curiosity and ultimately their
outrage. He didn't happen to be present at the time, but they were angry
enough to confront Self-Righteous Preacher without him.
"What is this?" asked the Preacher suspiciously.
"What kind of man of the cloth _are_ you?" boomed Golden Man, full of
revulsion. "In my day, priests were forgiving, gentle men. Moral examples."
"He's one of us, Preacher," said PKKid. "How can you do that to him?"
"Do you think you accomplished anything?" asked PC Person. "He just
agreed because you starved him. He doesn't believe."
"Of course not. But the first wall of resistance is martyrdom. Now
that wall is broken. We are making progress." S-RP marched away, leaving the
foursome still angry.
"We're not done Preacher!" shouted PC Person. "Your insane torture
will be stopped."
=============== ===============
Ferris rubbed sleepy eyes. He almost didn't react when the LNH
computer showed a successful match. In the past few days he had pored over
historical records, city censii, and religious charters, all revealing nothing.
He'd enlisted the LNH's powerful computer to aid the search and finally, three
days later, he'd got results. One match.
The LNH computer spit out issue number 2 of the 'Nicks of Time' Limited
series, guest-starring Swordmaster and the Load Island Renegades. Yawning
widely, Ferris began reading. Eventually, as Ferris stared at the pages, all
thought of sleep was banished.
=============== Day 8 ===============
"Repeat to me the main tenet of the Book of Starlin," demanded Self-
Righteous Preacher.
"There is no predestination. God is all-knowing, but our Fate is our
own to control. Any path but God's leads to madness or gradual corruption."
"Or gradual corruption...what?"
"Or evil transformation...Father." CM's voice was a little too
compliant.
"You've made excellent progress my son. After finishing your cheesecake
we might just get you out of here. Provided you swear you believe in God and
not wReamicus."
"Oh sure, definitely. God's the man," said CM around mouthful's of
cheesecake.
"Good, then...." Suddenly wReamicus Maximus appeared in the middle of
the cell. S-RP attacked, but was rudely thrown down. "Quickly CM attack him!
The Lord will protect you!"
"HAHAHAHAHA (patented wReamish evil laughter). Come my Acolyte. Let
us escape this place. Your Lord is here to save you!"
"I knew you'd come m'Lord! Just let me give this Preacher a lesson in
theology and I'm outta here...."
The Moral Major suddenly stood and slugged Contraption Man viciously.
CM flew backward, disrupting the hologram of wReamicus Maximus and crumpled in
the corner. S-RP sneered and took the remainder of the cheesecake away. CM
sobbed in impotent fury in the corner.
As he left, S-RP smiled to himself. "The second wall of resistance is
deceit."
=============== ===============
Organic Lass, Renegade Programmer, Catalyst Lass, Adamant-Authority-On-
Everything, Golden Man, Parking Karma Kid and Hooded Ho`'od Win were gathered
at a table in the cafeteria. The LNH had seemed to polarize (yes again) over
the de-programming of Contraption Man, though most of the pro-votes had not
seen the sessions.
Organic Lass spoke disapprovingly. "This constant diet of cheesecake
is loading him with sugar and depriving him of protein and carbohydrates. It's
going to leave him irrational and muddy-minded. Not to mention what it's doing
to his digestive system. And don't even ask about his bruises."
Adamant -Authority-on-Everything spoke loudly. "The man's a menace.
He harasses Panta for no good reason other than she improves the scenery. He
had some kind of sham trial for Deja Dude. He runs down Occultism Kid and the
Legion of Occult Heroes like they practice Demon-worship or something. What
good does he do us? What gives him the right to torture Contraption Man?"
"Gee guys, I know this looks bad and stuff, but he's an ordained man of
God. Could he know what he's doing?" asked Cat doubtfully.
PC Person spoke bitterly. "He knows what he's doing all right. He's
brainwashing Contraption Man just like wReamicus did. I say we've got to stop
it."
<( Maybe if we gave him a chance to explain himself. )> said Hooded
Ho`'od Win. <( I agree that his acting without oversight is dangerously
unconscionable, but this _is_ his area of expertise. )>
Parking Karma Kid sighed. "C'mon Hood. You know Preacher is not one
to explain himself. He just expects us to assume he's the 'moral authority.'
Too many of us do," he added shaking his head.
<( Perhaps he could be _made_ to answer....)>
=============== ===============
Ferris sat across from the old woman, listening intently. He had found
her in the Home for Aged but Unrepentant Villains Village, a retirement
community.
"Sure. I remember the heist, young man. We just about had our hands
on the Fez and the Minicar when 'boom' from nowhere a robot, an old man, and
two strangely dressed crime fighters stopped us. We got collared that night,
and it turned Jimmie real bitter. We escaped eventually and built bigger and
wilder gimmicks until the Agents of P.U.L.P. tracked us down and killed Jimmie.
Something about saving the Polar Caps, you know how those PULP guys rambled."
"Yes Ms. Rigg," agreed Ferris. "This may sound weird to you, but a lot
of people find religion in prison. Did, uh, you?"
"Young man. Jimmie and I lost Salvation the day we failed that heist.
I sometimes think if we'd pulled it off we maybe could have seen the error of
working for the Net.sis and done our patriotic duty. Since we failed we just
spiralled further into crime. No, there's no salvation for the Gimmick Gang.
We raised our children Calvinists."
Ferris politely thanked the aged villainess, doffed his bowler and
left. He knew the Calvinistic religion was not based on a boy and his stuffed
Tiger, rather on the belief that entrance to Heaven is pre-ordained. A parti-
cularly unpleasant religion if you believe you are not one of the ordained.
So Sword Master and the Load Island Renegades had been propelled
through time due to Time Crapper's machinations. If Retcon Hour had never
happened, the Gimmick Gang might not have succeeded in stealing the religious
relics, but they at least would have touched the Minicar of Redemption.....
That was it! Originally, the Gimmick Gang must have reformed after
touching the powerful religious artifact. Thanks to Retcon Hour, that never
happened and the Gimmick Gang stayed evil. They then passed the pessimistic
Calvinistic religion through the generations, turning generation after
generation into villains. Villains yearning for redemption.
Sure it was a logical leap, but Ferris was just the man to take the
jump.
=============== Day 11 ===============
Dr. Stomper watched over the shoulder of Renegade Programmer. On the
security screen, Contraption Man paced his small cell with a curious knees-
together gait. He was moving his mouth funny, as if talking to himself.
"How long's he been pacing there?"
"Since I relieved California Kid, about midnight. Preacher is putting
him through the wringer. I can't believe UN or Cat hasn't stopped this yet!
What does it take to get that guy?"
"S-RP keeps stalling for time. He's agreed to debate PC Person over
the whole issue. I think Hooded Ho`'od Win 'convinced' him."
"Speaking of the Preacher, he should be in there by now. He's never
late for his daily session."
Dr. Stomper furrowed his brow. "True. He's like Captain Cleanup,
maddeningly punctual." Suddenly Stomper's eyes widened. "Great Photons!" He
grabbed the intercom. "Self-Righteous Preacher do not go into that cell!
Emergency! Master Blaster, report to Detention Wing immediately!"
=============== ===============
S-RP was already walking down the hallway when Dr. Stomper's
announcement came over the speaker.
"What, some delaying tactic on PC Person's part? Bah." He entered
Contraption Man's cell. A beam of light lanced out at S-RP's chest. Amazingly,
the laser struck the cross around his neck. It left a cross-shaped burn scar
(matching quite a few S-RP had accumulated over the years) and reflected back.
Self-Righteous Preacher fell to the ground in pain. He launched his
bible at Contraption Man, clubbing his aim awry. CM leapt for the closing cell
door....
Only to be met with the barrel of Master Blaster's BIGGUN. "Nice try
Future Guy. Drop the flashlight."
Dr. Stomper rushed to Self-Righteous Preacher's side, who pushed aside
his aid. "I expected an attack about now. The third wall of resistance is
rebellion. I did not count on his unique abilities. How did you know...?
Stomper warmed to his favorite activity. "I watched CM's actions from
the monitor. It was apparent by his bizarre gait he was trying to use his
underwear to generate static electricity and focus it with the fillings in his
teeth. My guess is he generated an interference pattern on the monitor that
hypnotized California Kid long enough for him to loop the video signal and
dismantle the camera to make a laser. I can't believe I didn't see that
coming."
"Uh, right," said Master Blaster
=============== Day 15 ===============
"....doesn't it seem unlikely that any savior could be reduced to a
madman in an instant? How will he fulfill his prophecies?" S-RP was seated
close to Contraption Man, his voice almost friendly as it broadcast from the
VCR. The video captured Contraption Man's confused resistance perfectly.
S-RP had later said, "The fourth wall of resistance is intellect."
A sizeable portion of the Legion was seated in the Meeting Room,
watching the video of today's session. PC Person slouched over his podium,
one of two at the front of the hall. The podium for Self-Righteous Preacher
was conspicuously empty.
PC Person could take it no more. "Where is he? He promised he'd
debate me on this, and he's not here. We've delayed time and time again, and
Contraption Man is the one suffering."
"I can't believe Preacher would promise something and not come
through," said Dr. Stomper. "He's an ogre, but I've never known him to lie."
From the shadows, Hooded Ho`'od Win spoke. <( He didn't lie, really.
But his answers were never conclusive. Nevertheless, I did warn him if he
didn't show....)> Hooded Ho`'od Win raised her cloaked arms. <( The Conten-
tion comes! She Who Must Know ...Who`'od Win demands Self-Righteous Preacher
debate PC Person! )>
Self-Righteous Preacher suddenly appeared at his podium. He wore a
black apron around his clerical robes. White block lettering spelled, "Self-
Righteous Preacher's Soup Kitchen," on the front. He quickly whipped the apron
off his body. "Who dares summon me without my consent! I need not explain
myself to anyone, I...I.."
But it was the nature of Hooded Ho`'od Win's power that he _did_ need
to. The LNH settled into their seats, intent on the stage.
PC Person leaned forward on the attack. "You have starved him, beaten
him, subjected him to more arrogant superstitious harangues than anyone but
Panta. Not only should you go to jail for this, we should all join you for
letting it go on under out noses! Your barbaric treatment belongs in the days
of witch-burning and Inquisition. It embarrasses the Legion and violates
Contraption Man's human rights."
S-RP looked down his nose at the champion of Progressive Public Policy.
"In the first place, do not confuse the Inquisition with witch-burning. The
Inquisition was wrong.
"In the second place, HOW DARE YOU LABEL THE TEACHINGS OF THE BIBLE
'SUPERSTITIOUS HARANGUE'!? Your ignorance threatens not only your own soul,
but anyone that respects your heretic points of view.
"And in the third place, wReamicus Maximus subverted our friend and
ally in his effort to wipe out all continuity. I offer him hands, his own and
God's, to bring him back to us and to himself."
"Yes let's talk about wReamicus. I've read up on these cults. Do you
know how wReamicus most likely converted him? Do you know? With nearly the
_exact_ same techniques you yourself have been practicing."
"And what do you imagine? wReamicus dragged him through a sea of offal
to convert him. There is no way back but the way he came. The difference is
intent. Mine is pure whilst wReamicus'...."
("Y'know, I feel holier already," whispered Sarcastic Lad. "It's the
imagery that wins you.")
"That's really a matter of interpretation, isn't it? I mean how much
better off will he really be watching Jim and Tammy Baker and passing out
flowers in airports?"
"For starters he will not try to murder his friends," hissed Preacher
dangerously. "And I am sick to death of this moral relativism that infests the
Legion. Vigilante Guy is congratulated for spraying the guts of a murderer on
our streets, yet how many of you rushed to the defense of an abortion doctor's
assassin?
"Psykeye is brought to justice for manipulating people's emotions and
minds. When Deja Dude does the same thing he is winked at. You have no moral
compass, nothing on which to base your actions but the wobbly prop of your own
storylines."
"You're getting way off base here, Preacher," yelled PC Person. "You
have no right to judge us. We have not tortured our friend in the name of
saving him."
"Indeed. You have done NOTHING to save him! But this is not odd.
For people dedicated to doing good, remarkably little good comes of your
efforts. Perhaps you are too busy with your couplings and gluttony." Cheese-
cake-Eater Lad shifted uncomfortably.
Hooded Ho`'od Win watched the raging debate curiously. The Legion was
stuck watching its two _least_ favorite speakers. Hood had thought it would
be fascinating. These two, of all of them, had the firmest moral fiber, the
strongest views. She had just figured they'd be more interesting engaging
each other. <( Perhaps this Contention was ill-considered,)> she muttered.
Fortunately for everyone, Deductive Logic Man burst into the Hall.
"I've got it figured out! Preacher! Dr. Stomper! Renegade Programmer! We
can save him!"
Self-Righteous Preacher narrowed his eyes at Ferris as Hooded Ho`'od Win
ended the Contention. "Some of us have been saving him all along."
=============== Day 16 ===============
Self-Righteous Preacher sat with Contraption Man. "I know you no
longer truly believe wReamicus Maximus is your savior."
"I-I just don't know Father," said CM.
"Call me Preacher," S-RP said kindly.
"I don't yet have your religion in my heart...."
"And you can't bear it to be empty. I know my son. There is no
greater pain." They were silent for a while. "I have a surprise for you.
Follow me."
"O-out the door?" If S-RP's face was capable of it, he might have
smiled. He handed the Cobbler Supreme a pair of trousers.
As they walked down the hall, Legionnaires greeted CM warmly. CM
averted his eyes in shame. CM's eyes widened as they walked out the door, down
the street and into the Net.ropolitan Museum. He seemed to savor the polluted
Net.ropolis air.
At the museum, a small car stood in a circle of light. CM nearly
turned and ran, but Preacher held him fast. "I-Is that the Mini-car of
Redemption?" Contraption Man whispered. S-RP just gestured forward.
The Man from the Future slowly walked forward, then reached out his
hand. Tentatively, tentatively he reached forward, hand trembling. He grazed
the cool metal surface, then flung himself at it. Tears of joy streamed down
his face.
=============== ===============
Deductive Logic Man watched through the Peril Room observation window.
"Strong stuff," was all he said.
"What do you think he'll do when he finds out it was just an illusion?"
asked Renegade Programmer.
"I don't think there's anything more real to Contraption Man."
=============== ===============
<(So do you really think all that was necessary? The protein
depravation, the physical violence, the misery?)> Hooded Ho`'od Win asked
Self-Righteous Preacher.
"Of course it was. wReamicus had a lock on his soul. Such things are
not broken with platitudes and good intentions."
<(Maybe, maybe not. But you haven't made any friends with your high-
handed...)>
"There is no Commandment, 'Thou Shalt Be Liked.' My job is not to be
liked. My job is to save souls and enforce morals. There is no ambiguity in
right and wrong despite the modern age's best efforts to infuse it...."
<(Preacher, isn't it time to open the Kitchen?)> Hood asked to derail
his upcoming sermon.
"So it is." He opened the door and began firing up the ovens. Hood
grabbed an apron. As the homeless began filing in through the door, Hood
inserted earplugs into her ears. Self-Righteous Preacher's fiery sermons were
blocked out by the plugs. Hood stirred the great vat of hearty soup, and
poured it into bowls, one by one.
=============== ===============
NEXT ISSUE: The Catalyst Lass controversy jumps to the forefront,
with all her Triple Play and Particle Man friends
hopelessly confused. You will be too!
Coming in January.
=============== ===============
Triple Players:
Hooded Ho`'od Win........on loan from wReam
Self-Righteous Preacher..via wReam
PC Person................javolk at ndsuvm1.bitnet
Contraption Man..........via Public Domain
Deductive Logic Man......via wReam
Renegade Programmer......Joshua Dinerstein
Organic Lass.............Rebecca Drayer
Dr. Stomper..............via Public Domain
Master Blaster...........Robert Ramirez
and all the rest...
special thanks to:
The Moral Majority and Pat Robertson for providing a foreign state
of mind, and Ditko/Lee, Schuster, Kane and Starlin for key snatches
of conversation.
==========
Next Week: Catalytic Conversions Begins!
==========
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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