LNHY: Looniverse Y #16: "The Tale of Earl Grey"

[Andrew Perron]

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                              N U M B E R
                             S I X T E E N

[ The cover is the upper middle segment of a nine-part collage,
   featuring a man dressed in an elegant grey suit with white gloves
   leaping dramatically in midair and tossing a handful of tea bags. ]

  YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY    "The Tale of Earl Grey"    YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

    Sirens went off, and the Legion of Net.Heroes were on the spot in
downtown Net.ropolis!

    "Upon the graves of my ancestors!" shouted Exclamation!Master!. "A
baseball-themed group of hoodlums is breaking into the First
Net.ropolitan Bank!"

    "Then it's time for me to bring in my *batman*!" Pister Y. Maprika
III gestured dramatically, and out of the bushes leapt a butler!

    His hands forming arcane sigils in his pristine gloves, the butler
whipped out two silver trays containing a pot of tea, cups and saucers,
tiny finger sandwiches, and an assortment of pastries to delight and
astound even the most discerning palate!

    "Because it also means 'manservant'," Pister explained to Trophy
Wife.

    "That's very clever, dear."

    The butler backflipped twice, not spilling a drop, and landed next to
the first baseman, who was just kind of wailing on the vault with his
bat. "Excuse me, sir."

    "Huh!? Who are you?"

    "Earl Grey, if you please." He lifted the teapot invitingly. "Would
you care for a spot of tea?"

    "What?! No, I don't want--"

    WHAM! The teapot cracked the baseman across the face, man, and he
went down in a heap. The rest of the team turned, and Earl Grey flicked
his wrist, sending a tray rocketing across the floor of business. The
tray bonked one baseballer, flying pastries taking out two others. With
another unnecessary-yet-impressive backflip, Earl Grey caught the tray,
and with a quick spin, the rest of the hors d'oeuvres landed on it, not
a single one touching the ground.

    The pitcher snarled and pointed. "Remainder of my minions! Attack him
even though he just did something impressive that would make it seem a
really bad idea to!"

    The shortstop charged in, but stopped short when Earl Grey knocked
him to the ground. Left field got a left hook, the catcher caught an
elbow in the ribs, and the pitcher got a pitcher of darjeeling to the
back of the brain case.

    Second base dropped his bat and held up his hands. "I-- I'd like some
tea, please!"

    "Very good, sir." Earl Grey placed a cup and saucer in the grateful
robber's hands and clicked high-quality tempered steel handcuffs around
his wrists.

    "Amazing!" declared Exclamation!Master!. "Truly a feat of martial
prowess, the likes of which are rarely seen even in the most legendary
annals of Jeeves and Wodehouse!"

    "What'd I say?" said Pister Y. Maprika, patting Earl Grey on the
shoulder and accepting a tiny sandwich from him. "He scored a no-
hitter!"

    "Indeed, sir." Earl Grey raised a wry eyebrow. "You could say... they
just got *sconed*."

    Pister laughed uproariously. "I love this guy!"

    Trophy Wife just put her face in her hand and shook her head.

  YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY         Looniverse Y         YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Author's Note: Here's the bio of our new LNHer:

NAME: Earl Grey
CREATED BY: Emma McGill
TYPE: Usable Without Permission
SECRET IDENTITY: Earl Grey
POWERS: All the abilities of a highly competent comic book butler,
including mastery of the mystic rituals to summon a complete tea. Dry
punning wit.
ADD. NOTES: Originally a native of Alabama, the man whose parents
thought the given name "Earl" was cute with the surname "Grey" rejected
the culture he grew up in and cultivated the persona of the perfect
British butler, including making forays into the magical traditions of
China and India.
APPEARANCE: Wears white gloves and a charcoal grey suit with a teapot
embroidered on the breast pocket.
FIRST APPEARANCE: Looniverse Y #16

Also, there will be nine of these one-page stories detailing the new
members of the LNH and the System Corrupters, from issue #15 (The Tale
of Firefighter, already out on RACC!) to issue #23 - just in case you're
jonesing to write #24.

Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, he got tea'd off