LNH/HCC: Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2 #60 {HCC54}
Saxon Brenton
saxonbrenton at hotmail.com
Sun Jul 5 02:01:40 PDT 2015
[LNH/HCC] Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2 #60
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| |-| \
| |-| [] / #60
| | | [] egion of \ 'Short Story About Mistaken Identity'
| | | []__ [] [] [] [] / (Part of High Concept Challenge #54)
| | | [___][ \[]et.[]__[]eroes \
| | | []\ ] [ __ ] / written by and copyright 2015
| |-| [] [] [] [] \ Saxon Brenton
| |-|___________________________/
| |
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| |
| |
| | Cover shows a LNH action figure of a buff green-skinned figure
| | with tusks.
| |
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|_|
The second Anal-Retentive Archive Kid was hanging out with friends
at a coffee shop near the university. There was ARAK 2 and... Hmm, you
know, I should give the guy a real name. I mean, he's been around for a
few years and even got a co-starring role in LNHv2 #50. Uhm, okay, Fred
Gnarshteeth. That'll do.
So there was Fred, currently doing non-Legion stuff with some
friends: Aaron and Richard and Kwame and Wen and Jlipdoopleyop. The
later was one of the extraterrestrial students. Despite the fact that
he wasn't human there's no way that Fred was anything like the weirdest
looking dude sitting at the table.
They were talking about, oh, I dunno, let's say an interesting new
paper in slood dynamics. Now, recall that Fred was a political sciences
major rather that an engineer, but he was able to keep up (and even make
pertinent comments) when Jlipdoopleyop started enthusing about slood
viscosity co-efficients.
They were interrupted. "Gnashteeth!"
Fred looked over and saw another student, and as it happened
another orc. A maths prodigy by the name of Trak who was on the
gridiron team and had a girlfriend who was in the anime club. The
newcomer didn't look happy.
"Hey Trak, what's up?"
"This is what's 'up'," said Trak angrily, and waved a toy at him
with one hand.
Fred didn't recognise it. "What is it?"
"It's your freaking LNH action figure, idiot!" went Trak, and then
decked Fred with a punch to the jaw. He threw down the toy onto the
table and snarled, "Double check your damn merchandising contracts!"
before storming off.
Fred massaged his jaw and took a dubious look at the toy lying on
the table. "That's supposed to be me?"
Aaron picked it up and looked at the name and copyright indicia
printed on the underside of the feet. "That's what it says."
Fred was utterly bemused, and he wondered what excuse Public
Relations Kid would have for this. For one thing, Fred didn't recall
even having the toy forwarded to him for approval of his likeness. Out
loud he said, "But that doesn't look anything like me!"
Which was true. For one thing, the action figure was handsome.
There was a trend in fanart about orcs to depict them as buff looking
dudes, like human body builders who had been painted with green body
paint and given prosthetic tusks and then told to stand around in their
underwear (or less) doing pinup poses. And while that general
appearance certainly fit the description of Trak, it didn't look at all
like Fred.
Sure, Fred was large and muscular. But he was an unflattering
greenish-grey colour, with a bristle of brown hair that he kept trimmed
short. More importantly, his face looked like someone had taken a
felt-tip marker and drawn a very detailed face on a balloon. All the
features were there, but looked at from the side he had a bulbous face
with no prominent chin or nose. In fact, Fred looked like he *should*
have a large nose - probably one of those pig-like snouts that you saw
on the orcs in the Dungeons and Dragons TV cartoons made in the 1980s -
but it had somehow gotten pushed flat into his face (possibly in an
incident involving chasing parked cars).
"Huh. I guess someone saw the licensed toy and thought he was
you," guessed Wen.
"I guess so," mused Fred. "But I wonder what happened to make
him so angry."
--==###==--
What indeed? Let us backtrack a mere 48 hours to find out.
Trak woke up on the floor of a barred cell. It was made out of
stone blocks rather than cinderblock bricks, and it had the ambience of
medieval dungeons. But that was okay. Trak had lived in university
frat houses that were worse. What worried him was that he wasn't
wearing his jeans, sneakers and t-shirt, but instead was wearing some
sort of gladiatorial costume.
That did not bode well.
He got up and circumnavigated the cell, examining it and looking
for a way out. The barred door was locked and there seemed to be no
other ways out. Nevertheless, he set about searching for secret exits,
because he had free time and what else was he going to do to keep
himself occupied.
Trak hadn't found anything by the time a pair of armoured guards
came and ordered him out of the cell. The student demanded to know
here they were taking him, but they just zapped him with staff-like
electric prods, kind of like stun pikes used by the guards in the
original Tron movie. "Move!" ordered the guards, and Trak was herded
through the corridors and out into an arena like space.
The first thing that Trak noticed that although the arena wasn't
more than a few tens of yards across, the seats surrounding it were
full. A roar of approval went up as Trak entered and looked around.
Next was the pile of swords and other weapons lying on the ground near
the entrance. Nothing that would help him against the guards with their
electric prods, worse luck, but then that would be expected. Finally
was that the arena was enclosed. Trak wondered if they were underground.
A figure up in the stands in what seemed to be a prominent booth
stood up. A male figure in faux medieval clothes, from what Trak could
see. His clothing contrasted strangely with the Roman gladiatorial
motif. The figure held up his hands, and the crowd stopped making
quite so much noise.
"My friends! I, the Duke of Poughkeepsie, welcome you to the
gladiatorial games! Tonight's advertised entertainment: one of the
Legion of Net.Heroes!" The crowd roared again. "Let the games begin!"
Across the arena another door was raised, and out stalked some
hungry lions. Trak instinctively backed up, moving closer to the
weapons. He glanced about, once again looking for escape routes, but
as with the cell there seemed to be none. Keeping an eye on the lions,
Trak scooped up a sword. He hoped that his football throwing arm, not
to mention all the batting he did during baseball season, would help him
with using the thing.
The lions stalked closer. They had crossed about three quarters of
the distance when suddenly the roof of the arena was torn off and search
lights strobed down, searing across the seated audience, the lions, and
most especially onto Trak himself. "There he is!"
Even magnified over a mecha loudspeaker system, Trak recognised
that voice. It was Aiko. She had obviously gone to the other members
of the anime club, and they had used their mecha to come and rescue him!
"Bad kitties!" Aiko announced, and launched some missiles if not
necessarily at them, then at least in their general direction towards
the centre of the combat area. The resulting explosions sent the lions
fleeing. Trak had already taken cover, since he knew what the anime
club got up to with their 1:1 scale reproductions. The screams from the
audience had changed, since they were now fleeing as well. Trak could
see that the so-called Duke of Poughkeepsie was already gone. Just as
well, from their point of view, since the first mecha then proceeded to
rip the hole in the roof even larger, sending debris falling into the
arena.
In all there were three mecha that clambered into the gladiatorial
chamber. Trak was wondering if there were any others outside, when the
cabin to the first mecha opened and Aiko jumped out. She was wearing a
full body combat suit that, leaving only the head, with her lovely
purple skin and the waving forest of squid-like tentacles on her scalp,
exposed.
She raced up to him and glommed him, kissing him deeply. Cue the
crescendo of romantic music.
Then: "What the hell did you do to end up here!?"
"I have no idea!" protested Trak. "They were talking about having
one of the Legion in as a star attraction for a fight!"
"Huh. Sounds like it may have been a case of mistaken identity,"
she said sourly, and still sounding as if she only half believed what
he was telling her.
"Maybe," he snorted. "If it is, I'll make whoever's responsible
regret it."
=====
Character credits: All characters are my responsibility.
Author's notes:
Written for the 54th High Concept Challenge: Neon Talking Super
Street Bat-Luge! "Insert a character, costume, accessory, secondary
mutation, or concept that has as its primary motivation the promotion
of a new addition to the toy-line".
So after procrastinating on this for a while, and then
procrastinating some more when there was an extension, I came up with
this in the last half day.
If you want some sort of explanation, then I can tell you that
slood is a joke made in on of the early Discworld novels by Terry
Pratchett (there was once a world so primitive that they didn't know
what slood was...), and that the Duke of Poughkeepsie is a character
that I've referred to a few times and whose name derives from the
L. Sprague de Camp story 'Divide And Rule'. Ah, but that's not the
explanation you were interested in, was it? You want to know what I've
smoking to get another story that *swerves* so darn much. Okay, okay,
fine. Desperately trying to get a story finished by the contest
deadline is my drug of choice.
-----
Saxon Brenton University of Technology, city library, Sydney Australia
saxon.brenton at uts.edu.au saxonbrenton at hotmail.com
"These 'no-nonsense' solutions of yours just don't hold water in a complex
world of jet-powered apes and time-travel." - Superman, JLA Classified #3
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