LNH: Flame Wars Final: Second Phase #2
Andrew Perron
pwerdna at gmail.com
Tue Jun 4 22:25:36 PDT 2013
Literary Impossible and Prehistoric Productions present...
- --------------------------------- -------------------------------- -
| ^ ^ ^ ^ FLAME ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ WARS ^ ^ ^ ^ |
| ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ |
| FFFFFFF IIIIIII NN NN AAAA LL |
SECOND | FF III NNN NN AA AA LL | NUMBER
PHASE | FFFFFF III NNNN NN AAAAAAAA LL | TWO
| FF III NN NNNN AA AA LLLLLLL |
| FF IIIIIII NN NNN AA AA LLLLLLL |
- --------------------------------- -------------------------------- -
The air was hot and humid as the flight.thingee hovered above
Keikhlasan Medical Center. Everything seemed still and quiet in the
afternoon sun.
Irony Man landed on the helipad after transmitting the LNH's Net.hero
Organization Permission Authorization Direct Defense Initiative
Negotiated Glyph (part of an international agreement passed after the
end of the Hex administration).
"All right," said Irony Man, opening the landing steps. "We simply need
to visit the maternity ward, explain the situation to the Messiah's
parents, bring them to the flight.thingee, and take off."
This got several nods, but Francis Bacon Lass raised her hand.
"Yes?"
"Er... how are we supposed to know which one's the Messiah?"
"Ah, of course." Irony Man passed out pictures - wedding photographs,
candid shots, ID photos. "Images of the Messiah's parents were
difficult to come by, but a few remained in scattered records." She
pointed to a woman who was holding a salad and laughing. "Her mother,
Maimouna binti Jaya." She pointed to a man who had just had a bucket of
water dumped over his head. "Her father, Izzat bin Zachary." She passed
out the rest. "The Messiah herself is named Amina Mega binti Izzat, or
at least, that was the plan. Let us make sure it stays that way."
They made their way down the clean white corridors. Patients and staff
alike gaped. Casey had to remind himself that this was a natural
reaction. This wasn't Net.ropolis; most of these people had never even
seen a net.hero in person. (Or a gorilla, for that matter.) In all of
Malaysia, there was only one major net.hero team and a few independents.
"Here is the maternity ward," said Irony Man. "I've radioed ahead--"
Casey became aware of a man quietly but insistently clearing his
throat. The group turned to find a short man, wearing glasses and a
suit, looking up at them with an expression that clearly read
"terrified but trying not to show it".
"Excuse me," he said in thickly accented but grammatically perfect
English. "I believe we are speaking about my wife and child."
Casey's eyes flickered to Contraption Man's, which flickered to
Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy's, which flickered to Francis Bacon Lass's,
which flickered to Haiku Gorilla's, which flickered to Cheesecake-Eater
Lad's. Then they turned as one to look at Irony Man.
"Sir," said Irony Man, "congratulations. You have confirmed what most
parents merely suspect: that your child is intended for a great
destiny."
Izzat (Mr. Izzat? Mr. Zachary? Casey wasn't sure) looked lost and
vulnerable, but raised his chin to Irony Man. "Could you please tell me
what is going on?"
Suddenly,
AnalRetentiveArchiveKidraninandtooktwoshotsand
Casey leapt on the man, knocking him out of the way with a startled
yelp. Anal-Retentive Archive Kid ran in and took two shots, but the
bullets whizzed through the space where Izzat had been standing and
embedded themselves in Irony Man's armor, which rippled and absorbed
them, leaving not a trace.
"NnnnNNNngh," said ARAK through gritted teeth. He raised the Cosmic
Cataloguing Tool and a burst of blindingly stylized radiation obscured
him; when it cleared, he was gone.
Irony Man looked in the direction he'd left. "More than likely off
setting up a trap. Indeed, such a blatant attack was unexpected..." She
looked down at Casey. "Excellent work." Then she turned and proceeded
into the maternity ward.
Contraption Man stood, frozen, halfway through drawing his pistol. It
had happened so quickly... He turned to Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy, gaping
and red-faced. "Did he look weird to you?"
OAB closed his mouth and turned to him, obviously grateful to have a
target for his impotent rage. "Oh, no, murdering innocent bystanders is
perfectly normal for Wendle. It's just a little hobby of his."
Contraption Man shook his head absently. "No, like... he wasn't
himself..."
-F-W-F------------------------------------------------------------F-W-F-
Pummelo ran, and looked over his shoulder. From the doors to the LNHQ's
sub-basements, net.villains were slowly, inevitably streaming.
Now that he was protected by the Memory Stick, he could see the effects
of the Laziness. The apathized villains' outfits had turned purple and
gray, and for that matter, their skin seemed to have taken on a grayish
pallor. Their personal symbols had been replaced by a highly
merchandisable symbol of a rounded letter L in a rounded square. They
moved begrudgingly but unceasingly, and somehow, were gaining on them.
Actually, come to think... why were they running? They couldn't just
clear out and leave the Servants of Sloth to get on with it! They had
to make a stand!
Pummelo turned and hefted his Memory Stick. He glared at the oncoming
horde and, with a shout, charged at full--
And suddenly he spun around and sat down and was in a medium-sized
little red wagon being pulled by the speedsters.
"Wh--" he sputtered. "Hey, we have to fight--"
"Yeahbutwegottapickourgroundluretheminhittheringleaderget'emallatonce!"
explained Twitter without pausing for breath.
"...oh." Pummelo could feel his cheeks heating up.
Firewire glanced over at him. "'s cool, dude." He smiled.
Pummelo smiled back, a bit, and shifted in his seat. "So where do we
go?"
Sandra pulled out a wrap from her pocket and scarfed the whole thing
down in one go. She swallowed and said, "Dunno, but we better hurry -
they're trying to block us off!"
Usenet Prime wrote:
> Excuse me, but if you'll permit, my memory is *very* good, and I
> have an idea...
-F-W-F------------------------------------------------------------F-W-F-
The Starship Jefferson drew across interplanetary space, past the great
cold bulk of Neptune.
The heroes spent the time in different ways. Blackbody navigated, with
Captain Continuity keeping watch on defenses. Doctor Stomper gathered
readings of the interplanetary medium to send to his friends in the
interational astronomical community. Writer's Block Woman was reading a
trademark-free adaptation of Firefly slashfic. Substitute Lad, Minority
Miss, Cannon Fodder and Chaos Theory were playing Magic: The Gathering.
(CT's coinflip-heavy Krark's Thumb deck was surprisingly effective.)
Ultimate Ninja sat to the rear of the bridge, legs crossed, eyes
closed, deep in meditation. Eventually, he came to sense a presence
next to him. He drew himself out of stillness and looked up. The
Ultimate Yogi was standing there, motionless, looking over the bridge
and smiling. Then he looked down, and met UN's attention. He sat down
across from him.
"I must admit," said UN, "I would have expected from your name that you
would meditate before a great conflict."
UY smiled. "Meditation is a prior era's best guess at an effective
spiritual technique. It is no bad guess, but I know many others. And I
would not miss a chance to observe the humanity of your era."
"Hmm."
A ping! rang out across the bridge. Blackbody said, "Within sensor
range of our destination. Bringing visuals to viewscreen."
The team came together to look at the massive structure.
"Is that whole thing the Laziness?" asked Minority Miss.
Chaos Theory shook his head. "It's a sorta shell, built up as yet
another defense against whatever."
"It looks very... rounded," said Captain Continuity.
"With really soft edges," Substitute Lad observed.
"...wait a minute," said Cannon Fodder, squinting at the screen.
"That's a blanket fort!"
"Pillows *and* blankets, to be precise," said the Ultimate Yogi,
stepping forward. "As I said, its nature is still very childlike."
Cannon Fodder rolled his eyes. "Well, if that's its only defense, this
mission is--" THUMP! KZOW! The ship (or perhaps just the camera) shook.
"I think there just might be other defenses," noted Doctor Stomper as
he hung onto the rail.
"Battlestations!" said Ultimate Ninja. "Shields to full! Weapons
charged! Seatbelts on!"
"Poor dear," murmured Writer's Block Woman. "It won't let anyone even
get close..."
Cannon Fodder grinned. "That's why it's time for some tough love."
"We're going in!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, no notes this time!
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