LNH: Beige Midnight #12: 'The Last LNH Story' (2/3)

[Arthur Spitzer]

Part II




The Writer looked at the keyboard.  Maybe he should call it a day.  He 
obviously wasn't going to get anymore writing done today.  Just watch TV 
or something.  Maybe he'll have better luck tomorrow.

He saved what he had written and started to leave his chair when he 
heard a knocking.  Well, more like a violent pounding on his door.

Christ!  Who was that, he thought leaving his chair.  Probably some jerk 
selling some crap.  He thought about ignoring it, but the pounding kept 
getting louder and louder.  Who was this asshole?  And so he opened the 
door.

And saw a very tall man dressed in a ninja suit.  A very angry man in a 
ninja costume.  Oh, God, he thought backing away from the door.  The 
Ninja guy walked right in and there were various other people in 
costumes behind him.

"Look," said the Writer grabbing his phone.  "I don't know who you 
people are..."

"You should," said the Ninja.  "You're the one writing us.  Aren't you?"

The Writer shook his head.  "No.  There's no way.  No, you can't be -- 
you can't be him.  You just can't be.  He -- he doesn't exist!  This is 
not happening!"

"I'd say it is," said the Ultimate Ninja grabbing the phone from the 
Writer's hand and crushing it with ease using his ninja phone crushing 
abilities.

More very fit guys and girls in very tight spandex suits started to 
flood the room.  "No!  You can't all fit in here!  It's a studio apartment!"

And a man -- or being crackling with cosmic energy attached a mechanical 
device to one of the walls and pushed a button.  "There -- that should 
increase capacity for your dwelling!"  The Writer's studio apartment 
began to increase to the size of a High School Gymnasium as Kid Kirby's 
device pulsed away.

The Writer looked at his apartment.  "Wow!  That's a neat trick.  Or a 
sign that I've lost my mind perhaps."

"You're the one?  You're responsible for all this?!"  It was a rather 
ordinary looking woman dressed in normal people clothes who pointed her 
finger accusingly at the Writer.  Must be Tara Shreds, thought the 
Writer.  "Do you think it's funny?  Funny giving people cancer?"

"Umm..." the Writer started to say.  But before he could finish a very 
strong hand picked him up by his shirt.  It was a costumed man covered 
in very, very scary creatures.  Very, very disturbed scary creatures.

"Are you the scumbag who fragged my pal -- the Gothic Gorilla?!  Are 
you!!?"  The Very Disturbed Scary Creature Man gazed into the Writer's eyes.

"Urk!" said the Writer.  "Gothic Gorilla?  Um -- let's see here.   That 
wasn't me!  Honest!  I wasn't the one who came up with that idea -- no 
I'm pretty sure it was either Saxon or Rob.  Yeah, one of them.  Honest! 
  Look -- if you put me down I can get you Rob Rogers's home address and..."

"Put him down," said the Ultimate Ninja although not because he wanted 
Rob Rogers's address.  "We have much bigger things to deal with right 
now.  Much bigger."

A man wearing a labcoat and a very intellectual look on his face started 
playing around with the Writer's remote control and clicked on his TV 
set.  "It's already here," said Dr. Stomper.  "I was afraid this might 
happen."

"Wait, what's happening?  What's...?"  And the Writer looked at the TV 
screen.  It was some breaking news story.  There was something happening 
in New York City.  It was a tower.  A Beige Clocktower.  It had 
mysteriously appeared right on Ground Zero.  Anderson Cooper along with 
various other reporters and people were reporting this news.  "My God. 
That's -- wait a sec, Anderson Cooper?  I don't get cable anymore!"

"I modified your remote a bit," explained Dr. Stomper.  "But this is 
happening.  The Beige Clocktower has broken the Fourth Wall and is now 
in your world.  I'm afraid all of the Fourth Wall and metatext abuse has 
caused a cascade effect.  Reality and Fiction are beginning to merge. 
If we don't solve this problem soon -- the Clocktower and the Bryttles 
will destroy all of Reality -- not just the Looniverse."

The Writer shook his head.  "No.  That's all a bunch of nonsense.  This 
can't be happening.  No.  It's not happening!  This has to be a dream. 
That's the only explanation that makes any sense.  Yeah, a dream.  A 
dream. This is all a dream.  Just need to wake up and..."

The Ultimate Ninja picked the Writer up by the shirt and slammed him 
against a wall.  "Does this feel like a dream!?"

"Urrggh.  Well, when you put it that way..."

The Ultimate Ninja looked into the Writer's eyes.  "You need to finish 
Beige Midnight #12.  Find a way to stop the Bryttles with no one else 
dying.  No one!"

The Ultimate Ninja dropped the Writer down.  The Writer backed slightly 
away.  "Believe me -- I'm trying my hardest to finish this thing, but -- 
no death?  I can't work that way.  There's got to be some death -- 
otherwise it's not going to be meaningful in any way.  There has to be 
some death to give this story any weight.  If I kill no one it will just 
be a big cheat.  A big..."

The Ultimate Ninja's eyes kept their piercing gaze into the Writer's 
face.  "I don't care.  I don't care if your stupid story doesn't win a 
RACCie.  I don't care if everyone hates it -- thinks it's the worst 
thing ever to be posted to RACC.  I don't care.  You're going to write a 
story that ends the menace of the Bryttles and you're going to do it in 
a way that doesn't kill anymore LNH'rs.  Got that?"

The Writer gulped.  "Well, okay.  But I can't really work like this -- 
with all these heroes and a homicidal ninja looking over my shoulder. 
Look if you all just leave me alone, I'll happily finish Beige Midnight 
just like that and..."

The Ultimate Ninja took out his Ginsu Katana and began testing its 
sharpness.  "No.  We're not going anywhere till this story is finished. 
  Now -- finish it."

The Writer raised his hands in protest.  "I'm sorry but I just can't 
work like this.  Look if you just leave for a..."

"New York's sky is becoming Beige," said Dr. Stomper still watching the 
news.  "We don't have much time!"

"Well, I guess we'll have to finish it ourselves," said Ultimate Ninja.

"What?" said the Writer.  "You can't write -- you're fictional characters!"

"Just watch us," said the Ultimate Ninja.

"Ooh!  Ooh!  Me!  Me!  Let me do it!  Let me finish Beige Midnight!" 
said Writers Block Woman hopping right onto the chair near the Writer's 
computer.

Writers Block Woman's daughter Mouse just tried to hide her face with 
her hands.  Oh lord.  Why does this always happen, she thought to herself.

Writers Block Woman's hands were in typing position and she looked 
straight into the computer screen.  And the rest of the LNH and The 
Writer looked at Writers Block Woman.  And everyone waited for Writers 
Block Woman to start writing something -- anything.  And they waited.

And finally the Ultimate Ninja said, "Well?"

"I don't know," said Writers Block Woman.  "It's weird.  It's like there 
is some powerful force blocking my writing abilities.  I'm not sure 
what's going..."

"Come on, Mum," said Mouse grabbing her mother by the arm.  "Let's leave 
this Beige Midnight finishing to others.  I think the best thing we can 
probably do right now to save the world is -- umm -- shopping.  Yes, 
shopping.  We need to go shopping!"  Mouse knew that getting her mother 
as far away from here as possible was probably the best thing to do if 
they ever wanted to get Beige Midnight finished.

"But the story!" said Writers Block Woman resisting her daughters 
attempt to get her out of the apartment.  "UN?" she said looking at the 
Ultimate Ninja.

The Ultimate Ninja gave a nod.  "Your daughter is right.  Shopping is 
the best thing you could do for us right now."

"Well, if you're sure."  And then Writers Block Woman thought about 
shopping.  "Ooh!  This is Arizona, right?  We can buy Navajo Rugs! 
Kachina Dolls!  Cacti!  Cowboy Boots and Spurs!  And Sombrero Hats! 
Sombrero Hats for everyone!!"

"Yes, yes," said Mouse attempting to shove her mother out of the apartment.

And suddenly an idea popped into Writers Block Woman's head.  "Wait! 
Shopping!  Of course!  That's how we'll defeat the Bryttles!  We'll show 
them how much fun shopping is -- much more fun than destroying 
Looniverses!  We can..."

Mouse using all her Mouse strength finally succeeded in pushing her 
mother outside the door.  And then she quickly slammed the door shut.

With the two of them finally gone Spelling Boy made his way toward the 
keyboard.  "It's my turn.  Finally!  An LNH story where all of the words 
-- *All of the words* are spelled correctly!!"

But Grammer Lad also grabbed the keyboard.  "No, I will finish this 
story so that there will finally be an LNH story that has perfect grammar!!"

"Enough!" said the Ultimate Ninja taking the keyboard away from them. 
"I'll do it!"

"Oh, great!" said Spelling Boy rolling his eyes.  "Now both the spelling 
and grammar will totally suck!"

Ignoring that comment, the Ultimate Ninja sat himself down and began to 
type using his ninja typing skills.

"You know -- if you actually used all your fingers you could type 
faster," pointed out Impatient Lad.

The Ultimate Ninja also ignored that comment and continued to type.


                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

April 29th, 2008 --


"Well," said the Ultimate Ninja looking at the blue sky that had 
returned after vanquishing both the Bryttle Brothers and the Beige Clock 
Tower.  "That's that.  Beige Midnight is finally over with.  Thanks to 
the LNH.  You all did your part."  The Ultimate Ninja looked at his 
fellow LNH members with approval and opened the box of victory cigars.

"You're being too modest," said Sarcastic Lad without a hint of sarcasm 
in his voice.  "What you did today was amazing.  We couldn't have 
possibly defeated the Bryttles without your brilliant leadership.  It 
was just -- amazing!"

"I know," nodded the Ultimate Ninja.  "But we can never ever let the 
Readers know how we defeated the Bryttle Brothers.  It must always be a 
secret.  A secret that can never ever be known!"

"Right," said Sarcastic Lad.  "I just wanted you to know that I'm really 
sorry for all of that nasty stuff I've said about you in the past.  All 
those very moronic jokes that didn't have an ounce of wit.  I guess I've 
always been jealous of you.  Your great looks, great intelligence, and 
incredible sexiness.  I just wanted you to know that."

"I accept your apology, Sarcastic Lad."

"And I'd like to apologize too," said the invisible presence of the 
Invisible Incendiary -- also without a hint of sarcasm.  "All those mean 
pranks I pulled on you.  I guess I was jealous too.  Jealous of your 
complete awesomeness.  Jealous of your ninja abilities.  I just want to 
tell you how sorry I am -- and hope you can forgive me."

"I absolve you," said the Ultimate Ninja with a very understanding look 
on his face.

"Hey, I've got an idea," said the Invisible Incendiary.  "As a way of 
honoring you for saving the Looniverse and all of us how about we name 
this day -- 'Ultimate Ninja Appreciation Day'!"

And the rest of the LNH cheered at this obviously wonderful idea.  And 
although the Ultimate Ninja protested at first, he eventually gave in 
knowing that honoring him would make his fellow LNH'rs happy.  And who 
was he to stop this happiness?

And so this day that the Ultimate Ninja (and the LNH) defeated the 
Bryttle Brothers was named 'Ultimate Ninja Appreciation Day'.  And 
everyone was happy.

Well happy on 'Ultimate Ninja Appreciation Day' at least.

The End.




                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

"There," said the Ultimate Ninja.  "It's finished.  Beige Midnight is 
finally finished."

"Hmm," said Captain Continuity.  "I suppose that works.  Still, I do 
sense a continuity error in it.  You ignored the part involving Cannon 
Fodder in LNHCP #500 where Bart abducts him to the future where the 
Bryttles have destroyed the Loonivearth.  And the part with the 
Looniversal Answering Machine.  You never explained how this alternate 
future works in relationship with the alternate Looniverse that 
Occultism Kid put us on."

"That's the only error you see?  Really?" said Invisible Incendiary. 
"Not say the one where both Sarcastic Lad and me apparently have been 
given severe lobotomies?  You didn't see that one?"

"Well," said the Ultimate Ninja.  "If you want to explain that alternate 
future nonsense -- be my guest."

"Okay," said Captain Continuity hopping onto the Writer Chair.  And 
Captain Continuity began to type.


                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

And the LNH realized that even though they had defeated the Bryttle 
Brothers that if they didn't give an explanation about the alternate 
future that Bart had snatched Cannon Fodder (along with the rest of the 
LNH) and how it related to the alternate Looniverse that Occultism Kid 
had created the whole thing might completely unravel into utter chaos.

And so they came up with a plan.  A plan to create a completely fake 
version of the Loonivearth System.  They would first move the current 
Loonivearth System -- with its Sun, planets, asteroids, comets, and 
everything else -- even the smallest speck of dust -- to a new location. 
  Captain Continuity wrapped the entire System with a Continuity cocoon 
and with the help of Kid Kirby pushed the System in a completely new 
location.

And then Dr. Stomper with help from the likes of Particle Man and Kid 
Kirby made a machine.  The System Duplicate Machine.  The Machine 
generated a complete duplicate of the Loonivearth System even the Sun, 
but altered the look of everything so that it was decayed and 
discolored.  So everything was Beige.  And the light of the Sun gave 
everything a beige type look.  And then robo-duplicates of Dekay and 
Diskolor were created.  And a duplicate of the Beige Clocktower was also 
created.  And so was a duplicate of the Looniversal Answering Machine. 
And they bound it in chains.

And they made Net.ropolis look exactly how it had looked when they had 
seen it that time.

And Kid Kirby twisted the temporal matrix of the fake Loonivearth so 
that when Bart did time travel to the future -- this would be the future 
he saw.

And this fake Loonivearth waited for the year 2092 when Bart would 
finally come.


                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

"And Done!" said Captain Continuity after he had finished his part.

"Thrilling stuff," said Sarcastic Lad.  "Not as good as 'Ultimate Ninja 
Appreciation Day' where Ninj was undoubtedly being possessed by the 
ghost of Shakespeare when he scribed that gem."

And after a number of rewrites and arguments about proper 
characterization, the LNH printed out a copy of this finished Beige 
Midnight and gave it to the Writer.

"Well," said the Ultimate Ninja.  "What do you think?"

The Writer looked at the pages.  "This is awful..."  And then he noticed 
the Ninja's Katana was close to his face.  "Awfully good!  Well, I guess 
you all can leave.  I'll just post this to RACC and..."

"You do that," said Ultimate Ninja with the Katana still close to the 
Writer's face.  "And I want you to remember one thing -- and tell all of 
your LNH Writer buddies this too.  Never ever try to kill the LNH -- 
Never!  Because if you should ever try that -- I'll be back.  And it 
won't be a friendly visit like this one.  Understand?"

"Oh, definitely!" said the Writer nodding.  "Well, hope you have a good 
trip back.  Been great meeting you.  So long!"  The Writer helpfully 
pointed to the door.

And the LNH finally left the Writer's apartment.

And the Writer looked at the pages he had been given and sighed.  And 
then he noticed everything around him seemed to be beiger.

Where had the color gone?


                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

April 29th, 2008 --
The Alternate Looniverse that Occultism Kid placed all of the Innocent 
Bystanders and Everyone else that wasn't the Bryttle Brothers (Well, 
let's just call it Looniverse Classic) --

And the Ultimate Ninja [Who was a completely different one from the one 
we've seen in most of this story -- although who is the younger version 
of the 2012 version we saw at the beginning of the story -- get that? -- 
Footnote Girl] along with a number of other LNH'rs were staring at a 
large screen -- a large screen that showed another Alternate LNH in 
another Alternate Looniverse who were also all looking at a screen that 
showed another Alternate LNH in another Alternate Looniverse.  And these 
Alternate LNHs looking at Alternate Looniverses went on for countless 
and countless times until you finally got to an Alternate Looniverse 
that was looking at a screen that had the Alternate Looniverse with the 
Bryttle Brothers on it.

But back to the first Alternate Looniverse (Looniverse Classic), the LNH 
was watching the screen.

"This is it?  This is how Beige Midnight ends?" said the Ultimate Ninja. 
  "Us looking at some Alternate version of ourselves who's also looking 
at another Alternate version of ourselves?  This is the ending we waited 
for?  Do we even know if that LNH beat the Bryttles?"

Occultism Kid shook his head.  "We can never know what really happened 
on that Looniverse (let's call it Looniverse Beige).  Even if we sent a 
message to there our own Looniverse would probably be dead by natural 
causes before it reached.  Maybe the LNH found a way to defeat them.  Or 
maybe they died and the Bryttles are still heading this way.  Who knows."

The Ultimate Ninja looked at his own alternate version.  "And what about 
all of these Alternate Looniverses in between?  What happens to them? 
Can we trust them?"

Occultism Kid watched his own version talking to the alternate Ultimate 
Ninja.  "They're us.  If anyone from that Looniverse we're watching were 
to hop to our Looniverse they'd just merge with the version of 
themselves.  As for what happens to them?  Who knows.  I guess with no 
villains to cause problems and no innocent bystanders to save life will 
be pretty easy for them."

The Ultimate Ninja looked at Occultism Kid.  "Utopia?"

"Maybe.  Well at least until their Bad Judgment Boy turns the their 
WikiBoy into a nearly omnipotent serial killer."

"Hey!" said Bad Judgment Boy with a hurt look on his face.  "I only did 
that two times.  Well, okay three."

"So, is this it?" said Ultimate Ninja.

"I hope so," said Occultism Kid.

And Fearless Leader looked at his own alternate version.  His Alternate 
version had his arm around the shoulder of the Alternate Tara Shreds. 
He couldn't see their faces as they both were looking at their own 
Alternate screen.  "Need to check on something," he said to the Ultimate 
Ninja.

The Ultimate Ninja made a nod.


                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

As Fearless Leader walked through the lobby, he heard the LNH 
receptionist, Kyoko Ishikawa, call his name.  "Yes?" he said walking 
over to her.

"There's a message for you.  From Tara Shreds."  Kyoko handed him an 
envelope.

"Thanks," said Fearless Leader as he opened the envelope up and began to 
read it.

After a few minutes of reading, he took the letter and folded it up and 
put it into one of his pockets.  Whatever happiness he'd had seemed to 
disappear from his face.

"Is it bad news?" asked Kyoko.

"She's leaving the LNH.  And Net.ropolis.  Having her stuff moved out. 
She's saying goodbye."

"I'm -- I'm sorry."

"She's had a rough year.  Maybe she needs some -- I don't know.  Hope 
she finds some happiness out there.  Hope she finds something."

Kyoko nodded her head.  And Fearless Leader started to head back to the 
Big Screen Room.  And then he stopped and turned around.  "Kyoko?"

"Yes, sir?"

"Could you tell UN that I'm going on a leave of absence?"

"You are?  How long?"

"A month or so."

And with that said Fearless Leader walked out of the LNHHQ.


                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

September 2012 --

And he woke up.

The Writer woke up.

It was all a dream.  All of the colors were back.

Of course.  He grabbed his TV remote and clicked his TV on.  No news 
stories about a Beige Clocktower in New York City.  No Anderson Cooper. 
  Just a dream.

A stupid dream.

Still have that damn story to write.  Got to finish it.

He walked over to his computer.  Did he leave his computer on?  Oh, 
there it was.  Beige Midnight.  Still unfinished.  He started to scroll 
down.  Weird.  This was strange.  Had he written that part?  Must have. 
  Just forgot about it.  Yeah, that must be it.  The whole thing looked 
finished.  He could probably post it like this.

Still the whole thing looked awful.  There was no explanation about how 
the LNH had defeated the Bryttles.  And he couldn't think of anything. 
Anything good.

Maybe it didn't matter.  He was getting sick of this whole damn story. 
Just post it and...

And then in a flash it occurred to him.  A brilliant paragraph that 
would explain everything.  Make everything meaningful.  Make this whole 
long wait for this issue worthwhile.  Make this the best story ever (and 
obviously win the RACCie for Best issue).  And all he had to write was 
this one paragraph.  Just one paragraph.

And so he put his fingers on the keys and prepared to write this 
paragraph.  This paragraph that would change the art of fiction and 
perhaps the entire world.  Change everything.

But before he could do that his pinky accidentally hit the 'Post to 
RACC' key.

And he posted Beige Midnight #12 (both parts -- Damn that 'Post to RACC' 
key!) without ever getting a chance to put in the paragraph that would 
have made this whole story worthwhile.

"Whoops!  Damn, didn't mean to do that.  Oh, well.  That's that then. 
Guess I'll just have to live with the inferior version that got posted 
to RACC."  The Writer looked at his watch.  "Oh, the time.  TV watching 
time."

He turned his computer off.  And walked over to his bed and clicked on 
his TV.

And didn't notice the empty can of Mr. Paprika by his computer.  Or the 
spandex clad man lying lethargically next to it.  A man with a very 
apathetic expression on his face.  A very super apathetic expression at 
that.

"Feh."


                      **** <<--BM-->> ****


September 26th, 2012 --
The Waiting For Beige Midnight #12 to get posted Room --

"And another censored part -- and oh, here we are again," said 
Mult-Tasking Man as he read through Beige Midnight #12.

"That's it?" said the Ultimate Ninja.  "That's Beige Midnight #12?  And 
most of it censored?  Why?"

"I don't know," said Occultism Kid.  "Maybe it was stuff that the 
Writers didn't think fictional characters like us could handle."

"Or maybe there was a lot of freaky sex stuff," theorized Theory Man.

"So are there any signs of the Bryttles?  Any?  Or any other Beige 
Midnight stuff?" asked the Ultimate Ninja.

Multi-Tasking Man shook his head.  "Everything looks clear.  No signs. 
Doesn't look like we have to worry about anything.  Oh wait.  The 
Emergency light came on!"

"Well?" said the Ultimate Ninja.

"It's outside the LNHHQ!  A hostage situation!" said Multi-Tasking Man 
while he played Net.Trek.


                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

The LNH hit the spotlight on the man.

It was some crazed man with a bomb strapped to him.  And he was 
surrounded by terrified children who also had bombs strapped to them. 
In his hand was a hand controlled bomb.button.thingee.  And his thumb 
was close to the button.  Very close.

"You!  I am from the 
LNH-Readers-Who-Are-Sick-To-Death-With-These-Damn-Neverending-Events-Liberation 
Front!  You all had your chance -- but you failed.  Failed to stop Beige 
Midnight!  Now I'm taking matters into my own hands.  You see these 
kids?  If you don't do everything within your power to end Beige 
Midnight right now -- right this minute -- then I'm going to end these 
kids.  End them all!  Comprende?"

"The last issue of Beige Midnight was posted 15 minutes ago," said the 
Ultimate Ninja.  "It already is over."

"Really?  It is?  It's over?" said the member of the 
LNH-Readers-Who-Are-Sick-To-Death-With-These-Damn-Neverending-Events-Liberation 
Front who now had a very sheepish look on his face.  "Well, this is kind 
of awkward.  Well, jeez -- Hmm.  Hey, can we just pretend this little 
incident never happened.  What do you say?"


                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

And somewhere countless Alternate Looniverses away...

There was team.  A team called the LNH.

There were two cosmic beings of unimaginable power.  Dekay and Diskolor.

There was a battle.  The final battle.

And against all odds the LNH won.  They beat the Bryttles.  Even though 
it seemed completely impossible -- they did it.  And the Beige Sky 
became Blue.  And no one died.  Not even Cannon Fodder.

And afterwards they broke the chains.  The chains that bound them to the 
Writers.  No more would they be slaves forced to amuse Readers.  They 
were free.  They were all free.

And with all the villains, innocent bystanders, Writers, and Readers 
finally gone -- they were free to do what they wanted.

They could carve out their own destinies.  Write their own lives.  Dream 
their own dreams.

And did they all have happy endings?  Or did it all eventually go to 
hell?  Or a little bit of both?

We'll never know.  We can never know.




(But Irony Man did become Catalyst Lass's butler -- that definitely 
happened.  Just so you know.)




There was a story.




                      **** <<--BM-->> ****




                      'The Last LNH Story'



       (Well, at least till the next one comes along...)


                   (And the one after that...)


                      **** <<--BM-->> ****