LNH20: Bite-Size Tales of the LNH v20 #8: "Oddball Season"

[Andrew Perron]

Bite-Size Tales of the LNH v20 #8:
"Oddball Season"
By Andrew Perron

****

"Now you've done it!" shouted Doc Nostalgia. "Your meddling with the 
fabric of space and time has caused a hole to open into some alternate 
universe!"

"Look," said Kid Ethusiastic, "I said I didn't think it was a good idea 
if I cooked, but you were like 'blah blah blah every LNHer has to do 
kitchen duty...'"

"Guys, shut up and look!" said Manga Girl, pointing to the strange 
figures which were emerging from the rip.

First out was a tall woman, dressed as a 16th-century Ottoman 
infantryman. Behind her came a man with a big droopy moustache and huge 
poofy pants. Leaping out from behind them was a black, furry shape with 
couch pillows strapped to her back. Holding out a beeping flashing box, 
she spoke: "Janissary Frost! Professor Pantaloons! We've made it 
through the portal into the other Looniverse safely!"

"Excellent work, Agent Make Forts Every Day," said the woman. 
"Hopefully, someone here can help us with the problem plaguing our 
world!"

"Stop right there!" said Doc Nostalgia, holding up a hand as Manga Girl 
mouthed 'Looniverse?' "In the name of the Legion of Net.Heroes, 
identify yourselves!"

The one who was called Professor Pantaloons posed dramatically. "We 
are... THE ODDBALL LNH!"

"...I thought that was us-- mmmmf!" Manga Girl removed her hand from 
Kid Enthusiastic's mouth, and he continued unabated. "You seem to be 
counterparts of our LNH from another universe!"

"Indeed, and you of ours!" said Janissary Frost, putting her 
long-barreled musket into parade rest. "For example, your counterpart 
is Kid Eucharistic, he whose body is both blessed and delicious."

"Cool! But really gross! But cool!" said Kid Enthusiastic.

"Then how about me?" said Manga Girl, revealing her quick sketch of the 
three Oddballs. "Does my counterpart do some other sort of drawing?"

Agent MFED shook her head. "No, I'm sorry. Topanga Girl was crushed by 
celery during Boy Meets War Without Worlds."

Manga Girl winced. "Ouch."

The furry one nodded. "Her fate was stalking her from the day she 
joined."

"Then I assume my counterpart does *not* hold up the values of a past 
age in the same way as I?" said Doc Nostalgia, arching his brow.

"Oh, um, yes," said Professor Pantaloons, smiling nervously and 
revealing HUGE teeth. "Your counterpart is..." He squinted at his hand. 
"Doc Knows Algia, and his power is to... um..." He tugged at his shirt 
sleeve, revealing more writing. "Identify any kind of bodily pains and 
aches, and..."

"What's the matter?" DN leaned in suspiciously. "You sound a bit 
forgetful."

"Uh, nonsense," said PP. "I'll just cast a memory charm using the 
Mystic Pantaloons..." He turned away, mumbling to himself.

"Uh, I'll help," said Agent Make Forts Every Day. "I'm the cat who's 
got his tongue."

"Hey, wait," said Kid E. "Agent M isn't a cat, so why are you?"

"That's a very good question," said Janissary Frost, interposing 
herself between the LNHers and her fellow Oddballs. "And as an answer, 
hey, look at this!" She pulled out a pair of tiny cow dolls and pushed 
their faces together. "Mmmmmmmwah!"

"..."

"That's it!" Doc Nostalgia pushed his way past JF and swung Professor 
Pantaloons around. "I demand to know--" He paused. "Your moustache is 
falling off."

Professor P's eyes grew wide. "Oh, well, um, you see, uh, the thing 
about that..."

"Yes?"

"The thing about that is..."

"...YES!?"

"..." The Mystic Pantaloons fell in a heap around PP's ankles. 
"...crap! Everybody, back through the hole!" He dove for the 
dimensional rip and vanished in a flash of light.

The other two followed, Agent MFED shouting behind her, "If I'd known 
we were going, I'd have been a fake!" With a thunderous inrush of air, 
the portal vanished.

"...hrm," said Doc Nostalgia.

"Huh," said Manga Girl.

"Well," said Kid Enthusiastic, dusting off his hands. "I believe we've 
all learned a valuable lesson from this.

"Oh?" said Manga Girl. "What's that?"

"I should never have to have kitchen duty ever again."

"Now wait just a second..."

****

The three Oddballs materialized on a wooden stage. "Dangit!" shouted 
the woman who'd called herself Janissary Frost, taking off her helmet 
and tossing it on the floor. "If you two had stayed in character, we'd 
be on our way to a major team-up right now!"

"Oh, sure - and I assume playing with toys is perfectly in character 
for a janissary!" said the man, stepping out of his pantaloons. "Oh, 
and Kid To-Be-Or-Not-To-Be? These Power Shakespeare costumes don't work 
worth a tinker's damn!"

"Thou'rt not intended to tug and tear," said the Player on the Cosmic 
Stage. "The illusion was damaged irrep'rably."

"Yeah, yeah," said the furry one, taking a towel and trying fruitlessly 
to rub the black dye off. "I don't understand why I couldn't go as 
myself. They *have* a counterpart to me! But the cat was away, and our 
squeeze didn't play."

"Ahem."

The threesome jumped in their boots as someone who was wearing a very 
good ninja but not the best walked up. "Cattle Kiss Lass, Doctor 
Chompers, Puntra. Glad you made it back safe."

Doctor Chompers, nee Professor Pantaloons, nodded nervously. "Yes, 
sir."

Penultimate Ninja turned and looked at the readings from the 
interdimensional platform. "So how did the attempt to insert yourselves 
into the new imprint and get us new readers go?"

Cattle Kiss Lass, nee Janissary Frost, shook her head. "We couldn't 
keep up the act. I'm just glad they didn't try to touch us - the 
Looniverse wouldn't have exploded or anything!"

"It's not even like they know it's a Looniverse," groused Puntra, nee 
Agent MHED. "They call it Earth-20. More of a Gooniverse, if you ask 
me."

"Hrm. I see. Well, then." He turned to a figure in the corner. "I 
suppose it's all up to you, then."

A figure stepped out. Its bottom half was that of a fish, and its top, 
an anthropomorphic bird. It was dressed in an outfit that was half 
ninja, half Power Ranger. "Yes, sir! Ultimate Mer-Canary is on the 
job!"

****

Author's Note: I've had this idea floating around in my head for 
MONTHS, but Rob's post finally spurred me to write it.

A bit of backstory, for those not in the know:

The Oddball Legion are a Classic LNH concept, created by Ken Schmidt 
and Jameel al Khafiz. Basically, Particle Man, having just escaped from 
one of the various Evil LNH universes (I hope they died in Beige 
Midnight!), ended up on the Astral Plane, weak and hallucinating. 
Because the raw worldstuff of the Astral Plane responds to will, his 
hallucinations came to life as a warped version of the Legion. They 
would have disappeared after he left, but managed to stabilize 
themselves.

However! They soon found out that their world had lost reality as soon 
as they left it. They sent members out into the Looniverse so that they 
could encounter LNHers and attract readers to their world, bringing 
realness along with them. At first, it was thought that if an Oddball 
touched their LNHer counterpart, 10% of the Looniverse would be 
destroyed; however, the Van Damme Stranger (see what Ken did there) 
said that wouldn't happen, and whatever did happen would be "not that 
bad".

The only Oddballs in this story who have appeared before are 
Penultimate Ninja and Ultimate Mer-Canary. All the others are Free For 
Use.

Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, a public service announcement 
followed me home the other day~