StarFall/HCC: Going Solo #6: Return to Freehold

[Andrew Perron]

On Sat, 31 Dec 2011 15:53:03 +0000 (UTC), Phantasm wrote:

> Ryence is a childhood friend of mine; somehow or
> other, Tyche took a liking to him and called him to her service.

Hey, good lookin'~ What'cha got cookin'~

> 	Fenuku, you've probably seen him before.  He's a kobold mage.  Yes, I
> know that's a stereotype, but he doesn't let it bother him.

Is it, in this world?  Interesting - I thought part of the original story
was that Fenuku's intelligence defied stereotype; out of story, of course,
but also within it.

> Tyche blessed him with luck,
> but also cursed him with klutziness.  Get a few mugs of ale in him,
> and he could pass for a drunken master.  As it is, he landed on this
> elf dressed all in black who appeared out of nowhere just as Ry fell
> on him.

Ah, I see - give him many chances for luck to kick in.

> 	"I'm afraid he's all tied up at the moment," Theosonovus replied
> dryly.  His eyes narrowed.  "So you're the ones he sent for."  He
> leered at me.  "You're pretty. For a half-breed."
> 	That did it.  Bad enough I was abandoned on the docks by my parents
> when I was born for being a half-elf, but that's in a nation where
> half-elves are second-class citizens.  Everyone's supposed to be
> *equal* here in Freehold!

I think this paragraph is a bit too expositiony - the "For a half-breed" is
obviously a bad thing without having to explain why.

> 	I kicked him.  Right in the grommets.  Then we ran.

That's a great line, though. XD

> 	Don't let the cliche bother you.  We weren't here looking for form an
> impromptu adventuring party.  Not much call for that outside of the
> jungles of the southern continent anyways.  But a tavern is a good
> place to get information, if you know who to listen to.

And this one's a bit too self-referential - the first sentence nails the
D&D reference for anyone who'd get it, which makes the second rather
redundant.

> 	I entered the tavern first.  I admit, I did it with style.  I try to
> do *everything* with style.  Throw open the door, toss my hair back,
> and strut like I own the place, my rapier and pistol prominent in the
> sash around my waist.  With all eyes on me, Ry and Ke could enter
> unnoticed.
> 	Hey, I'm a drop-dead gorgeous red-headed half-elf.  There's no way
> I'm going to be able to hide.  So why bother?

This, however, is a good level of exposition on how her form is functional.

> 	"You're not him.  My friend would stand out in a place like this,
> though.  He's a kobold."
> 	The guy paled.  "Only one kobold in town."

...really, just the one?

>       "Can you get us to Fen?"
> 	"I can get you close."
> 	"That's all I ask."
> 
> 	And so, we found ourselves in the dungeons.

D'oh!  Well-done.

> 	Tyche is a fickle goddess.  Maybe our luck has just run out.  Or
> maybe we just need to make some of our own luck.
> 
> to be continued.

...you know, I forgot this was a 24-minute story.  Neat!

Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, almost done catching up on my backlog.