LNH: Deja Dude / Master Blaster Special #13

[Martin Phipps]

  "And... we're back!"
  "About bloody time!"  Master Blaster scoffed.  "It's been...
what?... six years?"
  "Almost."
  "So what have you been doing all this time?"
 Deja Dude thought for a moment.  "I'm not sure.  It's possible I died
in Beige Countdown #10.  I was, after all, never even mentioned in
Beige Midnight.  Not unless I showed up in one of the last two
issues.  Anyway, I'm back now."
  "So are we going to pick up where we left off?  Review movies and
stuff?"
  "Not exactly."  Deja Dude grimaced.  "It's come to my attention that
some parts of the first twelve issues could be considered offensive."
  "Really?"
  "Yes, really?"
  "You mean like when you made fun of the names of the Chinese
President and Prime Minister in a series of gags reminiscent of the
Abbot and Costello routine Who's on First?"
  "Well, he IS President Hu!"
  "Right.  And there are now hundreds of Chinese missiles aimed at
Tai.WAN.  Coincidence?"
  "Actually, those jokes were just the tip of the iceberg."
  "Really?  I don't remember."
  "Neither did I."  Deja Dude sighed.  "Things are different now.  You
can't get away with as much nowadays."
  "How so?"
  "This whole business with Rush Limbaugh and Sandra Fluke: Rush
Limbaugh, over a three day period, called Sandra Fluke a "slut" or
"prostitute" a total of 46 times all because she testified to the
House Democratic Steering and Policy Committee saying that some women
have a legitimate to take the pill and that it needs to be covered by
private health care plans."
  "Yeah.  So?"
  "So then on the fourth day, after a national uproar, Limbaugh claims
he was just trying to be 'humorous'."
  "Again.  So?"
  "So now people on the right are saying it is a double standard
whenever somebody uses insulting language to be humorous.  So now
whenever anybody anywhere makes a joke they are under more scrutiny
than ever.  It's getting to the point where people are afraid to open
their mouths."
  "People meaning you?"
  Deja Dude sighed.  "Look: Limbaugh is not a comedian; he's a
political commentator.  Nor did he know Sandra Fluke personally.  Nor
did he have any reason to believe that anything he was saying was
actually true.  Sandra Fluke was saying that female college students,
not her personally, needed to take the pill.  Limbaugh was basically
calling them all sluts."
  "Well if the college she went to was anything like the college I
went to..."
  "It's a false equivalency.  If the context were of a comedy program
and he was talking about somebody who he knew personally and he said
things that he actually believed to be true..."
  "Oh!  I see where you are going with this!"
  "Yes.  Anyway, I apologize to anyone who might have been offended by
anything I said six years ago!"
  "I'm sure it's all water under the bridge now."
  "Yeah, well, sometimes things will be said because you're trying to
be funny and then people will say things really mean and you'll think
'Where did that come from?' and that's when things can get really out
of hand."  Deja Dude sighed.  "Anyway, Rob, speaking of offensive
behavior... where's your costume?"
  "Oh, well, you know how wReanna has that part time job?"
  "No, what job is that?"
  "She's teaching at the local elementary school."
  "Rob.  No offense.  But wReanna teaching?  What is she teaching?"
  "Everything."
  "Everything?"
  "Yeah.  She shows up in the classroom and opens the textbook in
class and starts reading it.  You know how everything she says is
obvious, right?"
  "And that includes things she reads?"
  "Yep.  So everything in the textbook becomes obvious!"
  "Wow."
  "So you can imagine she's really busy."
  "Well, okay, but that doesn't explain why you are sitting there
naked!"
  "Well, with wReanna so busy I'm doing my own laundry."
  "Okay, fair enough, so your costume is in the laundry.  That doesn't
explain why you are naked."
  "I'm actually a bit behind on the laundry."
  "No clean clothes?"
  "Nope."
  "So when you said you were doing your own laundry what you meant to
say is that you ought to be doing your own laundry but haven't been?"
  "That would be a more precise way of putting it.  Yes."
  Deja Dude shook his head.  "Look.  You can go to my room and grab a
pair of underwear."
  "Really?"
  "Yes.  Pick an old pair.  I'll let you have it."
  "Thanks!"  Rob stood up.
  "Wait..."
  "What?"
  "What's with all those blurry patches covering your privates?"
  "Yeah.  I know.  It's like the stuff you see in Japanese porn."
  "Who?  Me?  Watch Japanese porn?"
  "Well, yeah, I mean..."
  Deja Dude covered his microphone and told Rob to be quiet.
  "Anyway, it's pixelization."
  "Pixelization?"
  "Yeah."
  "My God.  The fiend."
  "Who?"
  "The Pixelizer!  He has struck again!"
  "Who?"
  "The Pixelizer!  He is one of the Censors!"
  "The Censors?"
  "Yes, the Censors: the Pixelizer, the Black Rectangler, the Blurer,
the Scene Cutter and the Bleeper!"
  "Never heard of them."
  "This Japanese porn that you watch with all the pixelized parts.
The Pixelizer is responsible for that."
  "I see.  I always wondered about that.  I mean, why censor porn?  Is
it so kids can watch it?"
  "In Japan and Taiwan people can watch Japanese porn on certain cable
TV channels."
  "I see."
  "I don't have cable TV.  My wife watches Filipino TV on the internet
and every week I download some American TV shows from the internet."
  "Okay."
  "Anyway, the Black Rectangle and the Blurer do the same thing for
other media."
  "The Blur?  You mean like Clark Kent before he became Superman?"
  "The Blurer.  As in the guy who makes images on the internet blurry
so they can be safe for work."
  "Safe for work?"
  "So you don't get fired watching porn at work."
  "Which you don't do?"
  "Way, way too busy.  Anyway, the Scene Cutter, he works for HBO here
in Asia.  You know how when you watch a movie on video there's a scene
with a man and a woman kissing and drawing closer...?"
  "Go on..."
  "That's just it.  They cut to the next scene.  The rest of the scene
is gone.  On regular TV in Indonesia they wouldn't even show the
kissing!"
  "No way!"
  "Way!  And then there's the Bleeper!  He's the one that distorts
everything that is said so you can't hear anyone say @#$%! or $#*^!"
  "Sorry... what?"
  "Exactly.  Actually, sometimes the Bleeper will substitute words so,
for example, Samuel Jackson will say 'I have had it with these monkey
fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane!  I'm going to open a
freakin' window.' instead of what he actually said in the unedited
version."
  "That's freakin' lame!"
  "I know!"
  "It's just evil!"
  "Ah but some people consider the Censors a force for good!"
  "Why?"
  "Well, imagine you are a university professor and your students want
you to show a movie in class."
  "Okay."
  "Without the Censors helping you there are some movies you simply
can't show in class!"
  "Oh come on!  How young are your students?!"
  "Some as young as seventeen."
  "Oh. I see."  Master Blaster sighed.  "I just wished that there
wouldn't be so much pixelization in Japanese porn."
  "Yeah.  I can imagine.  That would be annoying.  If I watched
Japanese porn I mean.  Not that I'm saying I do. Anyway!  You had
better get going!  Put on something!  The LNH already has a Nudist
Man!  And he's the Batman of nudity!  He might not appreciate you
trying to be like him."
  "Hmm.  I'll keep that in mind."
  "Oh and look, before you go, we should say goodbye to the readers."
  "Is it time already?"
  "Yep.  We didn't even get round to reviewing a movie."
  "Maybe next time."
  "We'll see."
  "Alright then.  I'm Master Blaster!"
  "And I'm Deja Dude!"
  "Bye!"
  "Bye!"
  Master Blaster left.
  "Oh and one more thing: anybody who wants to write Master Blaster,
it's okay.  There were things that were said that still piss me off if
I think about them.  So I won't think about them.  If it's all water
under the bridge then it's all water under the bridge."

                                        THE END