SW10: Summer of Discontent #5: The Strike
pwerdna at gmail.com
Tue Oct 4 13:31:54 PDT 2011
On Oct 3, 9:41 pm, Scott Eiler <sei... at eilertech.com> wrote:
> On 10/3/2011 12:01 PM, Andrew Perron wrote:
> > ..."came out?" I think I'd like more details here, because otherwise,
> > I get mental images that are just a touch disturbing!
> Yeah, I suppose I could word that differently in the rewrite. It's
> basically the same way Wyatt Ferguson's been body-hopping. I'd guess
> "phased out" would be the best phrase.
Makes sense. I imagine him flying out of his chest as a ghostly
> >> The Mighty Tim disappeared in his burst of flame, carrying one Asian
> >> guy.
> > *gasp* Not an Asian guy!
> ... and one you might recognize. Mighty Tim could tell you more about
> him, and maybe he will in the rewrite, but the narrator wouldn't know.
Heh heh. It's just a wording thing; I'd put it as "an Asian man".
> >> Then the sky came back! The people's howling died down.
> >> Mighty Tim asked, "Is that it?"
> >> The Bride said, "Yes. *New* new orbit."
> > While I seriously do like the limited perspective most of your stories
> > are written in, I feel like this bit really needed to be from the
> > Bride's POV. It's the climax of the entire storyline, after all, and
> > it happens offscreen.
> Oh, it was onscreen. It's just that no one could see anything. Maybe
> Changing the narrator for just that period seems awkward to me. But the
> main narrator could overhear a bit more of the commentary...
I dunno, I'd call it worth it. Maybe paste it in as a testimony
Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, or not.
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