LNH/Contest: Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2 #45
Andrew Perron
pwerdna at gmail.com
Mon Oct 3 10:52:15 PDT 2011
On Sep 30, 9:38 pm, Saxon Brenton <saxonbren... at hotmail.com> wrote:
> | | | [] egion of \ 'When Nerds Do Mythology: A Farce'
> | | Cover shows Retcon Lad holding the decapitated and petrified
> | | head of Medusa in both hands. He is looking at it (without ill
> | | effect to himself), with an ambiguous expression on his face.
> In an isolated but comfortably appointed villa, back in the age of
> ancient-overlapping-with-mythological Greece, Medusa sat brooding. She
> was rightly angry about being betrayed by the goddess Athena, but
> bitterness had cankered her soul. She was now a monster, and not just
> because of her appearance.
> "We have continuity*?" said the first voice, pretending to be
> pleasantly surprised. "Cool!"
> "Retcon Lad, that joke was old when they used it back in the
> Retcon Hour crossover," sighed the female voice, which belonged to Fourth
> Wall Lass.
> "Well, there you go then. We do know where this story fits in
> continuity. It's set sometime after Retcon Hour."
I love it when you write back-and-forth, have I mentioned that?
> Retcon Lad threw his arms up in the air. "Oh for... Look, do we
> live in a parody universe or don't we? I'll just yell, 'The year, man!
> What year is this!?', and then the rules of comedy will ensure that
> they'll be able to tell us exactly when and where we are, and probably
> even provide a whole mess of other useful pieces of information."
> ARAK raised an eyebrow. "You just be careful. They'll probably
> turn out to be a quest-giver, or something."
> "Yeah, yeah. You and your Joseph Campbell-style big words," said
> Retcon Lad, as he wandered over and knocked at the door.
> Medusa opened the door. Retcon Lad said, "Pardon me, miss, but
> could you please..." And that was as far as he got before he turned
> to stone.
Oh, Retcon Lad. You forget that *invoking* the rules means that
they're inevitably going to be subverted.
> Irritated now, Retcon Lad decided to invoke his powers and tweak
> what had happened. It wasn't *just* that he auto-resurrected himself
> every time he got killed. Now it was the case that he would gain
> immunity from this type of nonsense any time a mythopoeic creature
> tried this sort of crap on him. Immunity, and the ability the bounce
> back any assault.
Hmmmm. Doesn't he have to invoke some sort of "what really happened"
explanation for this kind of change?
> Meanwhile ARAK's expression was...
> Well, do you remember those old Warner Brothers cartoons where the
> school kid Ralph Phillips was always letting his imagination run away
> with him, and just as a new flight of fancy overtook him the corners of
> his mouth would curl upwards in a really goofy smile? That was the sort
> of expression that Anal-Retentive Archive Kid had on his face.
...thank you for that absurdly evocative reference. <3
> Retcon Lad saw this, and said, "No, we are not using a time machine
> to visit the cities of Sodom and Gomorra, twice."
> "Well, darn," said ARAK, apparently not particularly upset by this.
> "I obviously need to work on my poker face."
I don't quite get this bit, tho. Does he mean to get Retcon Lad to
zap the angels?
> "No no no. It'll be Perseus who gets the power to turn people to
> stone," she said. "Don't you see, we arrange for him to be BITTEN BY A
> RADIOACTIVE MEDUSA HEAD."
> The other two Legionnaires stared at her. "Cooool!"
I agree with them!
> "Right. Just checking. Anyway, Perseus fumbles the head of
> Medusa, and gets a scratch from one of the sharp edges on those
> tusk-like teeth. By the power of handwavey mumbojumbo he gains the
> power to turn people to stone - but only when he's making a conscious
> effort and only when he's using the head of Medusa."
> "The head will be his Obvious Accessible Foci," said Retcon Lad,
> lapsing into role-playing game jargon.
Obviously, it's a minor lycanthropic effect, bleeding off the curse of
Athena.
> "Right. Anything else? No? Then let's get to work."
> The three of them manhandled the statue back inside the house.
> Then Fourth Wall Lass took a battery from her communicator.thingee,
> carefully bashed it open with a rock, then dabbed the contents of the
> battery onto the teeth of Medusa and her snake hair.
Or that.
> "Uh, lithium isn't radioactive, you know," protested ARAK.
> "Details details," she said dismissively. "A moment ago you were
> happy to have a scratch work as a metaphor, but now you're complaining
> that I'm not using the exact materials. Make yourself useful and go
> and find some green paint."
Obviously all .thingee materials are infused with a small amount of
plotdevicium radiation from the manufacturing process.
> Fourth Wall Lass read these concerns in Perseus' thought balloons
> and quickly extemporised. She opened a small hole in the fourth wall
> and said, "So, you are Perseus, come at the behest of the bitch goddess
> Athena. I have been warned of your arrival, and now I will destroy
> you... Uh. Oh darn, my dress is caught. Hold on a second..."
Heeheehee. (Also, wouldn't the bitch goddess be Hecate? ``)
> Recognising an opportunity, Perseus sprung forward and chopped off
> Medusa's head. There was literally a snicker-snack sound effect, and
> the head fell to the floor.
> "Aahh! You have killed me!" continued Fourth Wall Lass. "Aahh!
> I am turning to stone!"
XD Bwahahaha.
> "You're right," ARAK agreed. "Come on, let's get out of here."
> They stepped back across the fourth wall, and were gone.
...so where exactly are they going?
Also, one thing that sorta bothered me: Retcon Lad going straight for
the lethal option. Seemed a bit dark, even considering that she was
historically/mythologically going to die anyway.
Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, pointyman!
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