LNH: Digital Jump*Special! #1: In A Retcon Hour Minute!
Andrew Perron
pwerdna at gmail.com
Sun Nov 13 20:52:12 PST 2011
Marc Piepert's cell phone was broken.
It had been broken for years. It didn't really matter; he couldn't
remember when he'd last used it. He couldn't make calls at work, and
most of his conversations took place on his laptop anyway. But it made
a good watch, so he carried it around.
Thus, he was there when, on a trip to the convenience store to pick up
some snacks for game night, it rang.
Marc took out the phone and tilted the LCD to reduce the glare of the
fluorescent lighting. Unknown number.
He wondered if it was some new glitch, a few dying sparks pretending at
communication.
He shrugged and flipped the phone open. As he raised it to his ear, he
realized.
He hadn't charged it that morning.
He hadn't charged it. Ever.
Then he heard the voice.
<---------------------->
PREHISTORIC PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS
IN SPECIAL ASSOCIATION WITH THE NOSTALGIA DEPARTMENT AND TOTALLY HAVING
READ THAT BACK IN THE DAY
...From the files of the Molybdenum Age...
<---------------------->
Digital JUMP*Special!
Written by Andrew Perron
Cover art by Dan Jurgens and Jerry Ordway
Special #1 - In a Retcon Hour Minute!
<---------------------->
Cover shows the LNH Subteam Without A Name being washed away in a wave
of plaid light. Above them stands a looming dark figure, laughing and
giving the scene a double thumbs-up. Continuity Porn Star dances in
the corner, indicating truly ridiculous levels of LNH continuity
references.
<---------------------->
<---------------------->
LNH SUBTEAM WITHOUT A NAME ROLL CALL!
Kid Enthusiastic - James Takato Preponderation
Still Doesn't Have a Superhero Name Yet - Casey von Aluminumfoil
Shining Tungsten Magister - Malachite Wendigo
Crimson @venger - Carmine Aurum
<---------------------->
-----------<>-----------
[CONTINUITY NOTE: This issue takes place before Digital JUMP! #12,
after Beige Midnight, and significantly after Electrocutioner's Song.]
High noon in Net.ropolis, and all's well... until a flaming meteor
streaks through the sky without warning, landing with an explosion in
the middle of the city's beloved RAC.Arthur Park! The cry went out,
and the LNH leapt into action!
After lunch, of course.
A tsk.force was organized to deal with the situation. Because nothing
comes before something, the LNH Subgroup Without a Name came first
alphabetically and was often picked for these kinds of missions. As it
was a nice day, they forsook the flight.thingee and just walked down to
the park.
The crater was perfectly round, and in the middle was a lumpy, glowing
chunk of purple rock. Kid Enthusiastic pulled out something that
looked like the illegitimate child of a satellite dish, a lightsaber,
and a tablet PC and scanned the rock. The device warbled in a calypso
beat. "Ah, a piece of Violet Retcon Hour Story!"
"Retcon Hour?" said Casey. "I remember that - something unpleasant that
happened to Contraption Man, right? But how can this be a piece of
it?"
"Continuity itself was stretched like silly putty then smashed together
again! Chunks of pure story flew off, warped and radioactive!"
"...should we really be this close to something radioactive?" asked the
Shining Tungsten Magister, eying the amethyst gleam warily.
Kid Enthusiastic shook his hand. "Each type of Retcon Hour Story has
very specific effects. Violet only hurts imperfect duplicates, like
corrupted gif.clones and the Oddball Legion."
"Still," said the Crimson @venger, "I shall take due precaution 'fore
touching the stone." She summoned her Keystroke armor, symbols forming
into a protective layer around her body. She stepped forward and took
the rock in a gauntleted hand. "Shall we head back to--"
The device in Kid Enthusiastic's hand suddenly switched from calypso to
samba. His eyes widened, and he looked at the chunk of Story she held;
shimmering shards of purple were falling away, revealing a blue-shifted
tint beneath.
"It's not Violet, it's Indigo!" he shouted. "IndigoooooooooooOOOOO%€u‹k
xÚÑ$VhX†•s¶P2:Ö?Œ
Îh5KP
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Áÿ õÖ+{ ê?Kñ‡Ã ëv÷r¬—²
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a;H|cñ*~†º£Ø
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®·qM¸T¯ÏígÁq}©u
%n<>‚.| a,+SeL`psQ@$P"d/u%%%OOOOOooooooooo!" He leapt forward to knock
the rock from her hand - but it was gone, and he fell over in a heap.
She blinked, as if coming out of a trance, and turned to where he had
fallen. "Are you all right, Leafy-Arugula Lad?"
He pulled himself to his feet and shook himself out, his leafy costume
quivering. He ran a hand through his every-color-of-the-rainbow hair.
"I'm okay, but what about you, Baron Not Appearing In Any Story
Published Before 2002?"
She flexed a muscle experimentally, scarlet and burgundy bodysuit
flexing with it. "Hale and hearty, it seems; odd that that piece of
nostalgia had no effect on my Amalgaman biology."
The others ran up. "Ah, jeez," said Casey von Aluminumfoil. "Sorry
about that, Baron; it's the kind of thing that happens when my cousin's
around."
L-A Lad grinned. "Hey, I can't help being a mutant, and I don't want to
help my inborn ability to make things more interesting and dramatic!
Besides, you didn't mind when it was giving you and Sequential
Storytelling Sovereign a chance to make out..." He made smoochy noises.
"We were *not* making out!" said SSS indignantly, Casey looking
slightly disappointed in the background. "I was going to check along
other branches of the story to see where that shadowy villain might
have gone... but it's weird. There's nothing before a few panels ago."
"Could the cur be blocking your abilties?" asked Baron NAIAPB2k2.
She frowned. "I *hope* that's what's going on. If not... he's far more
powerful than we thought. Either way, let's hurry."
They made their way through the shadowy corridors of the supervillain
base, until they heard the faint echoes of dastardly muttering ahead.
Sequential Storytelling Sovereign put a finger to her lips, and they
listened.
"...starting parameters weren't accurate. Of course they weren't, I
didn't have time. Hah! Hah hah. I've got all the time in the world,
haven't I..."
Leafy-Arugula Lad looked up at Casey and twirled his finger next to his
temple. Casey nodded, and tapped SSS on the shoulder. She turned and
nodded, and the group slowly edged forward.
A figure stood there, thin, almost emaciated, face pale and hair
disheveled. He wore a dramatic, stereotypically villainous outfit that
included a sweeping black cape, but his costume didn't seem to match
his demeanor; not cackling and expositing, but muttering to himself and
filled with manic energy. His hands moved around a great machine, all
hissing steam, clanking metal and sparking wires.
Suddenly, reacting to some unheard signal, he whirled to face the
creeping heroes. His mouth stretched into a grin. "Ah, the main
characters." He put his hands on his hips and leered at the group.
"Aren't supposed to be here yet, are you?"
Sequential Storytelling Sovereign frowned. "What do you mea--"
And then the deja vu hit. Each of them staggered back as an
overwhelming sense of anachronism fell into place.
"What..." Casey fell on the ground, his telepathic powers amplifying
the effect. "This isn't right... these aren't my flashbacks..."
"This isn't happening now... it happened a long time ago..." Sequential
Storytelling Sovereign's memories rippled, and reformed as those of
Malachite Wendigo, the Shining Tungsten Magister.
"It's like a dozen ice cream headaches," moaned Leafy-Arugula Lad/Kid
Enthusiastic, as thoughts forced themselves past the fog. He pushed
himself to his knees. "I remember reading about this... Limp-Asparagus
Lad's confrontation against Exclamation!Master!"
"You're right," said Casey/still Casey, rubbing his head as he squinted
at the apparent villain. "But the details are off... he came alone,
there wasn't anybody else there..."
"You read about that in the official case file?" asked Baron NAIAPB2k2/
Crimson @venger.
He shook his head. "Nah, in the Eyrie archives."
The man in the black cape sighed, bowing and spreading his arms with
obvious false regret. "Indeed. An unfortunate miscalculation." His
head snapped up, and he smirked. "But don't worry... you won't have to
remember it."
Sauntering playfully past the heroes that needed just a couple more
seconds to recover, he leaned over and tapped a button on the great
machine. "Why don't we try agaaaaaáÕÿ†-
@²¥n
ô?< >Ö
h%±ì:
g-] . Þaaaaaack!" shouted the adorable-in-a-
completely-nonsexual-way catboy as he ran from the screaming anti-mutant
mob. Finding himself backed into a corner, he gulped. As danger
closed in, a savage glint appeared in his eye, and he turned to face
the crowd.
"I'm the best at what I do..." He reached behind his back and came out
with a set of claws on each hand. "And what I do..." They were long,
thin... and bright orange. "Is NERF!"
As he leapt towards the mob, foam at the ready, a hand stretched down
from the fire escape above and yoinked him up and away. He waughed and
landed, tail in the air. "Oof... Ductile Lass! What are you doing
here?"
"Pulling your fur out of the fire, Cat Enthusiastic!" said the Maiden
of Malleable Metal. "I thought we were supposed to be looking for the
Writer with Integrity!"
"Yeah but then DeFacto showed up and then Spoonsday started attacking
and everybody got separated and I ended up in an X-Men cliche!"
Ductile Lass sighed. "Oy. All right, let's see if we can get them
rounded u--"
SSSSSS HH HH RRRRRR @@@@@ KK KK
SS HH HH RR RR @ @@@ @ KK KK
SSSSS HHHHHHH RRRRRR @ @ @ @ KKKKK
SS HH HH RR RR @ @@@ @ KK KK
SSSSSS HH HH RR RR @@@@ KK KK
"..."
"I think we found @narky!" Cat Enthusiastic affirmed.
Around the corner, the lady in pink fuzzy armor was swinging a Celtic
warhammer with precise, deadly purpose, smashing a group of
stereotypical-unwashed-fanboy robots to pieces. As the last one fell
apart, the hammer flickered out of existence, and she fell to her
knees.
The cat and the girl ran up and helped @narky to her feet. "What
happened?"
"DeFacto came with an ultimatum to surrender to him and his company, at
the mercy of his editorially-driven crossover events. When we refused,
he released Spoonsday and his armies. Casey and I were separated, and
I fear the worst..." She pointed at a flurry of motion in the distance,
the faraway echoes of superhuman blows echoing.
By the time they got there, the situation had turned dire. Casey,
arrayed in a costume that combined elements of the Ryan Choi Atom and
the MI-13 version of Captain Britain, struggled desperately against a
grotesque John Kricfalusi creation with spoons poking out of its body
at odd angles. DeFacto stood a comfortable distance from the battle,
manipulating a great machine, all hissing steam, clanking metal and
sparking wires.
The two separated, circling warily around each other. Spoonsday shot
ensnaring tendrils of polybag, but Casey redirected them through a
whirlwind of Agents of Atlas miniseries. Casey attempted to knock his
foe down with a torrent of the Jamie Reyes Blue Beetle, but they flowed
over Spoonsday's body like water off a duck's back. Spoonsday blasted
cutlery projectiles, but Casey deflected them with a sword made of
SWORD.
Ductile Lass narrowed her eyes. "Spoonsday's a mindless beast - DeFacto
must be manipulating him with that machine!"
"Let us smash it into tiny pieces!" declared @narky. The three raced
forward, screaming imprecations, battle cries, and for ice cream,
respectively. DeFacto looked over his shoulder and irritably waved a
hand. A barrier sprung up out of the ground, separating the villain
and the heroes.
Cat E touched the smooth brownish surface. "It feels like it's made
from the hard, fibrous outer tissues of a tree!"
They could hear DeFacto snarl behind the barrier. "The Tenchification
effect must have thrown off my calculations... that *has* to be it...
need just a bit of *time*..."
Behind them, a great crack split the air, and Casey flew past them,
smashing through the barrier. DeFacto looked up in disgust, and they
could see that his face was... familiar...
Waves of deja vu surged through them with stunning effect (except for
Casey, who was already quite stunned). Kid Enthusiastic was the first
to recover. "You again... this time, with the Net.Patrol... don't you
guys know it when your plans don't work?"
The mask fallen away, the one they'd thought of as DeFacto grimaced.
With visible effort, he went back to Annoyingly Smug Mode. "If you
think that was a failure of my plan, you're an even bigger space cadet
than I thought."
Kid E gasped. "He implied I'm of training rank in a futuristic navy!
Let's get him!" By this point, the Crimson @venger had recovered enough
to fire an ellipsis bolt, Shining Tungsten Magister had recovered
enough to boost its hardness, and Casey had recovered enough to feebly
wave a hand and groan.
The villain sidestepped the attack with arrogant grace. "Clearly, I
chose too chaotic a point in narrative history. Let's go for something
a bit more... polished." He stabbed a button, and...
áÕÿ
†-@²
¥nô?<
>Öh%
±ì:g-]
.Þ
All over Net.ropolis, lights were flickering out as power was
redirected to a single building on the campus of Dave Thomas Deluxe
University. The structure shook, mutating wildly, stretching, towering
over the city. Four people, once everyday Earth humans, converged on
the tower, new power flashing through their bodies...
James shot ahead of the others, zipping with unrestrainable energy
around the complex, speeding past his companions with each circle.
"Ohmygodyouguysthisissogreat!"
Mala was the first to catch up with him, panting with exertion. "Cut it
out!" she whispered. "You're gonna break your neck!"
"YeahgoodideawedoneedcodenamesBreakneckBoysoundsgoodtome!"
She sighed and closed her eyes. In the corner of her vision, she could
see glowing green letters that had been there since the explosion:
CHANGE MODUS? She thought "YES" and was rewarded with a screen
displaying a dozen options. When she selected RPG MODUS, her eyes
opened, and a colorful interface sprung up over her vision.
She put out her hands, and a rectangle selected James, the words
[ Breakneck Boy ] hovering over him in yellow. "Slow!" she called out,
and he did, zooming speed changed to running in slow motion.
"Awwwwwwww..."
Carmine and Casey ran up. "Are you guys crazy?" Casey coughed, leaning
on his knees.
Carmine peered at James. "I see you have mastered your new powers."
Mala nodded. "It's telling me to enter my player name... how does Modus
Mistress sound?"
"A lot better than I could come up with," admitted Casey. "I'm too
distracted by trying to figure out if I even got powers..."
"I am concerned more about what lurks inside," said Carmine. The
others gathered around her, looking up at the strange, biomechanical
building and the darkened door leading within.
"So what, do we just walk in?" asked Casey.
"YouguyscanwalkI'mgonnarun!" James started to zoom into the complex,
but...
-----------<>-----------
A shadow passed across the moon. Carmine was there, poised upon a
leering cybernetic gargoyle. In a flicker of motion, she spun into the
air, coming down like a leaf and knocking Breakneck Boy off his feet.
-----------<>-----------
"...what was *that*?" said Casey, boggling.
"mprghnl," commented James.
"I did not intentionally trigger that..." pondered Carmine. "It was as
if it was an event that was planned before we arrived..."
"Whatever it was, I couldn't target you during it," said Mala.
"That is the final clue, then. I believe have played enough video
games to know what my name will be..." Carmine nodded in satisfaction.
"Count Cutscene."
"YayweallhavenamesnowexceptforCasey!" James bounced in place.
"Weshouldcelebratebyattacking!"
Carmine caught him by the back of his shirt. "We have to be *careful*."
Mala nodded. "We have to be... hmmmm. There's an idea..." She closed
her eyes. The interface sprung up, and she selected STEALTH MODUS.
After a minute or two of tactical espionage action, she reappeared
outside. "All clear."
The foursome entered the room. Through the doorway was a smallish room
decorated in an elaborate, rococo style. Each wall had an alcove with
a pedestal, and there was a different bronze statue on each one; a
tall, leering clown; a great, shapeless humanoid; some sort of
bird-woman wearing a pilot's uniform; and a short, weasel-ish man in a
wide-brimmed hat and tie. Beyond was a short hallway, through which
they could see a large room, and hear hissing, clanking, and muttering.
"I can't find any defenses at all before that room," said Mala. "And I
wasn't really willing to step into the wide-open space to check."
"Then let us--" A metallic grinding noise interrupted Carmine. All
around them, the statues shuddered to unnatural life, stepping off
their pedestals with menacing expressions. The newly-heroic foursome
stepped back-to-back-to-back-to-back in the middle of the room.
"No defenses, huh?" snarked Casey.
"Yeah, yeah." The formation broke and the battle was joined.
James was first out of the gate, literally running up a wall and
landing on the strange humanoid's shoulders, pummeling its head as it
stumbled around. Carmine leapt into the air towards the bird-woman.
Everything froze for a moment, the camera spun around her in place, and
then she kicked it in the face.
Mala stepped up to the clown. He narrowed his copper alloy eyes. They
sized each other up and stared each other down. She called up the menu
of options, and made her selection. Suddenly, glowing arrows appeared
under their feet, and fast-paced dance music started playing. The
clown nodded, accepting her challenge, and they revolved to the beat.
Casey hung back, casting about fruitlessly for something to use as a
weapon. There was still one statue left, but he couldn't seem to find
it....
The arrows moved faster and faster. The clown's metallic body couldn't
keep up; its joints groaned, an unsettling metal-on-metal noise, and
the arrows it missed flew out of the interface, smacking it in the
body, leaving scorch marks on the bronze. It fell in a heap of limbs,
and Mala threw up a victory sign as "YOU WIN!" appeared above her head.
Suddenly, a sharp blow hit her from behind. She staggered, her vision
fuzzed out, and when it returned, the interface was gone. She spun
around to see the weaselly man, sniggering silently and holding a
small, glowing cube.
She gasped. "He-- he *burgled* my powers!"
Casey looked up. His eyes went wide, and blazed red...
The man looked up from his great machine, all hissing steam, clanking
metal and sparking wires, as a great explosion of sound and light
tossed everyone, heroes, statues, and all, out of the room.
Casey leapt out of the conflagration with an iron bar and beat the
thief about the head and shoulders. It cried out... until it realized
that the blows were neither painful nor damaging. Of course, by that
point, James had time to leap in and hogtie it.
"Most impressive," said Carmine. "A seemingly significant attack, yet
all a distraction."
"Yes!" said Casey, flush with victory, "and I will become... will be
named... um... hmmm."
The man at the machine, in shiny blue armor with a constantly billowing
cape, screamed at them. "What is *with* you people?"
Mala, still blinking from the attack, shook her head and declared,
"That's something you should be asking yourself, mister--" She saw his
face, and the deja vu overcame them.
After the moment of adjustment passed, he was still ranting. "You were
reduced to the level of absolute novices! You should have still been
debating what to do, trying to sneak in here one by one! What do I
have to do to get you to play your parts!?"
"I'd be glad to play the heavy!" shouted Carmine, transforming and
rushing the machine.
The man scowled. "Still not enough *time*..."
"Dangit," said Casey.
His finger came down on the button.
áÕÿ†-@²¥nô?<>Öh%±ì:g-].Þ
The door closed, a villainous figure cackling as it left the heroes to
their various dooms. Each one enclosed in a crystal sphere, each one
surrounded by a deathtrap, each one about to be filled with energies
that would both allow them to escape and, in doing so, place them under
the bad guy's control. The spheres were linked by a great machine, all
hissing steam, clanking metal and sparking wires.
"Melkor's fetters!" A vague shape, cloaked in darkness, pounded at the
smoky walls of her sphere. Each time she pounded, there was a bright
flash of light, causing her to jerk away. "My strength avails me not!"
"I'd help you if I could, Proto-Yeek," said a boy with metallic blue-
and-red-streaked hair wearing a garish red-and-blue-outfit constructed
from the fashions of a dozen cultures and an accordion strapped to his
back. He was bleeding slightly from the pitched battle they'd had with
the villain, and, breath coming ragged, had to shout to be heard over
the speakers clamped to his sapphire sphere. "But these earworms are so
catchy, I can't concentrate on a spellsong!"
"I'm not doing any better, Jacyb Zig... Jacyb Pop..."
"Jacyb Zag Popperance Akatak Ygraine XXVII!" the boy said, with a
half-grin.
"...I'm not doing any better, Jacyb!" said the young man sitting in the
opalescent sphere. He looked mostly human, wearing a button-down shirt
and a pair of slacks, but he had both the features of a cat - furry
ears and tail - and a beetle - bracers of chitin on his arms, a
wingcase on his back, and faceted irises in his eyes. His skin was
bruised in several places, his hands and feet were frozen to the sides
of the sphere, and he tugged uselessly at them. "I'm stuck worse than a
leaf in quick-dry concrete!"
"And I'm the other way around," said a being in power armor, with many
gadgets, gizmos, and weapons attached in various places. The armor
itself was piecemeal: each part, such as the gauntlets, legs, or
helmet, appeared to come from a different suit of power armor. He was
bound in place by several vines, seemingly growing from the emerald
sphere, that had rooted themselves in his armor. "I've got some
defoliant around here somewhere, but with these vines binding my arms
like this, I don't think I can get to it."
"I'm surprised you don't have a weedwhacker in there, Pack Rat,"
snarked a dame in a fight jacket made of silvery, metallic cloth over a
green-and-gold bodysuit. On her face, she wore a pair of aviator
goggles, and on her arms were golden armbands. Her auburn hair was
sticking out in all directions, and whenever she moved, a painful jolt
of static electricity leapt from the ruby sphere to her armbands to her
body. "I tried summoning a lightning sphere, and look what happened! I
ain't usin' the kinda force it'd take to break this thing, I'll tell ya
*that* for free."
"Well then what do you propose we *do*, Wyrd Sister?" said Proto-Yeek,
slumped down in the middle of her prison. "We cannot simply wait for a
random fortituous break to--"
"Wait... I think the defoliant's leaking!" shouted Pack Rat.
Proto-Yeek sighed. "I may have been mistaken."
"Thank the Nest for military corner-cutting! I can just about
reach..." One of the smaller vines tore, and Pack Rat's arm came free.
He crowed in victory. "All right! Let me see if I can hack into that
thingy over there..." He started tapping away at his arm-computer.
"If you turn off the speakers," shouted Jacyb, "I should be able to get
us all out of this!"
"Right!"
For a moment, there was no noise but tapping and pop music.
"...hey, guys," said Wyrd Sister, her sardonic air tempered with
hesitation. "This is supposed to be a deathtrap, right?"
"Indeed," said Proto-Yeek.
"So why doesn't there seem to be any *death* involved? There ain't
anything harmful or offensive about these things - I'm not even runnin'
out of air! It's like we're just bein' kept out of the way for a bit!"
"...of *course*!" Jacyb's eyes went wide, and they could all see his
image *ripple* - but then it stabilized, unchanged. He closed his
eyes, forehead creasing in concentration, pulled the accordion off his
neck, and started singing.
"Thank you for the card with the cartoon nurse
But you see, there's nothing wrong with me!" His injuries healed
instantly.
"You think 'That's what you think'
'That's what they all say' before I blow you away!" Machinegun fire
stuttered, shattering the crystal spheres. They were free, tumbling
away from the fragments one by one.
Jacyb dusted the glass shards off his jacket, the crease in his brow
growing. "I shouldn't have been able to do that, though. They Might Be
Giants songs were off-limits, because characters like Particle Man and
Constellation were tapping those energies." He raised his shortsword-
sized rapier at one of the figures in front of him. "Looks like you've
made a continuity error... Pack Rat!"
The being in power armor turned in surprise, then snarled. His
featureless faceplate flipped away, revealing yet again the man who'd
been bedeviling them. Memories returned with a snap, the moment of
confusion disappearing almost immediately. Shining Tungsten Magister
and the Crimson @venger leapt towards the bad guy, who dodged away,
towards the machine. Kid Enthusiastic fell to his knees, and Casey ran
over to him, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Are you okay?"
"Had to juggle two sets of memories... hang onto powers long enough..."
Kid Enthusiastic stood up and shook himself off. "But I did it."
"Jacyb-- Kid E, that was actually pretty badass--"
"Hah! I did it, I did it!" He jumped up and down gleefully. "I ween!"
He turned to Casey. "I win."
Casey sighed.
The man in a hero's armor dodged the blows of the punctuation hammer
several times without even looking. His face was a study in controlled
fury as he tapped away at the interface on his wrist. "CLEARLY I have
been going about this the wrong way. Giving you time to adapt, putting
you in a place where you can get your bearings - hah! Hah hah! A fool
can be a fool in any situation!"
He leapt straight up, making a rocket-assisted jump atop the great
machine. "But even *you* fools cannot adapt to pure, elemental CHAOS!"
He hit the button, and the
staples
of
the
world
fell
out
áÕÿ†-@²¥
nô?<>Öh%
±ì:g-].Þ
"Dangit, Revolutionary Belle," said Casey. "How could you have *not
missed me* for three months? How could you have thought that Casey von
Tinfoil was me?"
">:/" said Emoticon Lad.
"Look, the Fan.dom of the Alt.ra had us all fooled into believing you
were a limited-edition life-size Cosmic Plot Device Caper commemorative
carbonite statue! ...hey, what's that noise?"
"Oh, no, you're not getting off that eas--"
"o.o!"
áÕÿ†-@²¥nô?<>Öh%±ì:g-].Þ
IMPLO raised his hand. "Digital JUMP! is cancelled."
"You can't do that!"
"Fool, I am power incarnate! Your puny--"
"No, I mean, look at the continuity note. The next issue's already
come out."
"Oh. Fiddlesticks."
áÕÿ†-@²¥nô?<>Öh%±ì:g-].Þ
In moments, KrimsonKat would engulf Enthu.sig.astic Lad, merging with
Master Workload to form the immortal net.villain ExMachina Y.
Squidwoman took the bow from Casey's unresisting hands and let the
arrow fly, straight into his heart.
*THOCK!*
The suction cup stuck, the "BANG!" flag unfurled, and she wept.
áÕÿ†-@²¥nô?<>Öh%±ì:g-].Þ
"Say, since we've all been rejected from the LNH, we should form a
team!"
"But what can a bunch of hopeless underdogs with everything to prove
do?"
"Win the pennant, thus earning both the approval of our loved ones and
the money to pay for their medical operations!"
"...wait, the LNH rejects people?"
áÕÿ†-@²¥nô?<>Öh%±ì:g-].Þ
"James Takato Amber Flores Preponderation, heir to the throne of
Kyushu, leader of the Legion of Net.Kids, captain of the SFT Raven-Q,
and the best improvisational jazz musician in three quadrants, at your
service!"
"Wait, this definitely wasn't an LNH story."
Yeah, I know, I'm just really getting into the '90s nostalgia.
áÕÿ†-@²¥nô?<>Öh%±ì:g-].Þ
"Kid Pants, you have to get the pants to the LNH!"
"But Pants @venger, your pants will be totally pants!"
"Pants Tungsten Pants, do pants to the pants of the pants!"
"Pants pants pants pants Casey pants!"
"UNDERWEAR!"
áÕÿ†-@²¥nô?<>Öh%±ì:g-].Þ
The team were finally facing off against the mysterious villain behind
the nefarious Baron MacNottherealvillain. While Like Rouge readied her
weapons and the Faded Iron Master readied his spells, Malachite powered
up Kid Enthusiastic and Casey--
"Wait!" Mr. von Aluminumfoil interrupted. "We're ourselves - this
actually took place! What happened?"
"We've jumped into one of our old stories! Issue eleven, by the look
of it!" said Kid E.
"But then where's our mysterious bad guy?" asked Mala.
"I'd bet he's disguised as one of us again," said Casey.
They turned as one and looked to the Faded Iron Master. He stepped
back, taking up a defensive pose... then leapt forward and grabbed at
Like Rouge's face, revealing it to be an illusion! Rolling away, his
own face dissolved into that of the Crimson @venger!
There was a great cracking noise, and
áÕÿ†the-@²bubble¥nô?of<>Öh%shaped±ì:spacetimeg-].Þpopped
leaving
them
all standing in RAC.Arthur Park, true forms restored, around
the impact crater. The mysterious man was there, wearing a tattered
T-shirt and faded jeans. The chunk of Indigo Retcon Hour Story was
connected by wires and electrodes and shuddering pipes to a great
machine, all hissing steam, clanking metal and sparking wires. He was
Not Happy.
"What the bloody-lipped wasp-stung hell!?" he shouted, red in the face.
"Why... doesn't... it... WORK?!" With every word, he delivered a kick
to the machine, a shower of sparks falling from it.
Casey squinted at the ranting man, tuning out the words and rubbing his
chin in thought. "Hey, wait, I just realized. I know that guy."
He spun on his heel, face twisted in rage. "You know nothing of me!"
"Sure I do. Marc Piepert - he was in my gaming group for a few months,
then just disappeared. Nobody could get ahold of him."
"Marc Piepert is GONE! He has been OVERWRITTEN! He was never anything
but a larva state, primed when the time was ready to hatch into - THE
TIME CRAPPER!" Lightning crackled in the early afternoon sky.
"The Time Crapper!" Gasps came from the heroes assembled.
He gave an ironic, flamboyant bow. "Number six, if you do."
"Sixth? I thought we only had four!"
"The fifth doesn't exist yet. It doesn't matter."
"But 'overwritten'? Are you saying you've been brainwashed?" asked Kid
E. "Brainwashed people don't usually tell you they've been brainwashed,
but I gotta admit it's really helpful!"
"Hah! I was not brainwashed - I was BORN! Before, I was but a body, a
cloned vessel, meant to be filled when the time was right with the
powers and the personality of - THE TIME CRAPPER!"
"Okay okay Time Crapper got it. Ignoring that for a second..." Casey
scratched his head. "What the heck are you *doing*?"
"..." He seemed about to explode - but then collapsed into a dangerous
calm. "You've rewritten the weavings of story at every turn. You've
thwarted each attempt I've made, each trap I've put in place. You've
thoroughly defeated me, AND YOU STILL DON'T GET IT!?" For a bit,
anyway.
"This one's less sane than the usual sort," murmured Carmine to Mala.
"Well, then." He clasped his hands behind his back and paced
deliberately back and forth. "I suppose this is the part where I
explain my plan. Very good, then." He spun on his heel and shouted at
them, tendons sticking out of his neck. "YOU'VE TAKEN ALL THE OTHER
TROPES FROM ME!"
"...could say that, yeah," she murmured back.
He had gone back to pacing. "All right, then. 'History' and 'story'
both come from the Latin 'historia'. One could say that history is
itself composed of stories. And if you change the stories... then you
change history."
"But!" He turned. "A story is holographic. Every word depends on every
other word. A universe is a hologram of a hologram. Every story
depends on every other story. A carefully-constructed lattice of cause
and effect after cause and effect."
"Well, that's a little bit--" James was not allowed to finish his
sentence.
"BUT my predecessor-self had a plan! A piece of story itself, taken
out of the normal pattern! With it, I was going to recreate those
stories in exact detail, carefully change those details - and in doing
so, change history itself!"
"I'm not sure that that would--"
He swung around in fury. "But it didn't work, because *you* wouldn't
play your parts! Your stories are *supposed* to follow the story
around you! But they didn't!"
"Well, you see, the problem--"
He turned away. "Finally, I got fed up. I took the path of least
resistance and, instead of making you match history, I made history
match you. And it still didn't work! You shredded it like last year's
wrapping paper!"
"HEY!"
All heads turned toward Kid Enthusiastic, who coughed politely. "I'm
sorry to interrupt, but..."
"Well, there's a simple reason why you failed, isn't there? Your plan
was all about the plot - but you forgot the characters! Things happen
in a story because of the choices the characters make! They can't just
do things because the script says so!"
He hopped up on one of the dramatic ledges installed around the park.
"A character isn't simply the puppet of the plot. A person isn't
simply the puppet of the universe. Even with someone else layered on
top of us, we're still ourselves - and so are you!"
The Time Crapper's tongue hesitated on the cusp of an angry rejoinder.
"What?"
"Yeah! You! No matter where your genes came from, you have a choice!
No matter what some jerk downloaded into your brain, you have a choice!
No matter what's happened in the past, you can do something different
*now*!"
"..." He shook his head. "You're-- I can see through you! You're
trying to weaken me, so you can strike the final blow!"
"Er..." said Mala. "Not to brag, but we already kind of beat you
without trying?"
"No, shush, no punch-em-up right now," said Kid E. "Look, you can be a
net.villain if you want. Or a net.hero. Or a normal person. Or a
meddlesome force of utter chaos! The important part is that it's what
*you* want to do, not somebody who put you in this situation for his
own purposes."
"...but that doesn't make *sense*! It's like-- do you expect me to go
against my own nature!?"
"Screw nature! For that matter, screw nurture! Goshdarnit, you've got
free will! *You* are the only one who can define *you*!"
A moment of silence passed, and the wind whistled. The Time Crapper
stared into nothing. The team listened...
"Well... I guess..."
Suddenly, there was a figure next to him, lined in an eye-searing
blueshifted aura. When it faded, there was a man standing there. He
was tall, and weathered, and through he and the once-Crapper looked
nothing alike, there was an unmistakable sense of kinship. He spoke.
"Good choice."
The man who had been Marc Piepert shifted into a combat stance. "Who
the fuck are--"
Casey put a hand on his arm. "Hey. From someone with experience in
situations like these: Listen to him."
He looked back at Casey, then looked forward. "Okay. Who are you?"
The man gave a half-smirking grin. "Isn't it obvious?"
"..." His palm met his forehead. "You're me, from the future."
"Indeed." He opened his arms, revealing a natty pinstriped blazer over
a white shirt and slacks. Quite professional. "You can call me... the
Gastroenterologist."
"That's a terrible pun."
"Indeed!" The Gastroenterologist turned to the assembled team. "Thank
you all for getting me to a point where I could make a decision for
myself. Now it's up to me..." He looked at his past. "And me."
Past-Marc Past-Crapper rolled his eyes. "And if I don't want to come
with you? I mean, I've already had someone who was arguably me messing
with my destiny. And..." He shook his head. "I'm tired. So tired."
Future-G shook his head. "You misunderstand. I don't want to take you
on as a paradox apprentice, or even show you the sights of the
timestream. But I think it'd do you some good to have a cup of
passionfruit tea, a slice of thai peanut pizza, and a chat with someone
who knows exactly what you're going through."
It was definitely Marc who ran his hand through his hair and cracked a
smile. "I think I'm still being manipulated, but that sounds like the
best thing in the world right now."
He smiled and shrugged. "You're always being manipulated, one way or
another. The important part is to be aware of it - and to choose what
you're going to do in response."
"Speaking of which," said Casey, gesturing to the grand machine. "What
the heck are we supposed to do with this?"
Marc snapped his fingers. The clanking metal and sparkling wires
folded up, the machine turning impossibly in on itself. It folded and
folded until there was nothing but a cell phone laying next to the
chunk of Retcon Hour Story. He picked it up. "You should take care of
that," he said. "Don't want it to fall into the wrong hands."
Carmine grinned. "Make sure yours are not, next time we meet."
He nodded. The Gastroenterologist waved, and they faded away.
Mala yawned. "Jeez, how long were we *in* there? What time is it?"
Kid E checked his anklewatch. "Looks like... time for dinner!"
"Dinner?" said Casey.
"Dinner!" shouted Carmine, holding the stone. They moved off,
together, as a team, every decision changing the world. Specifically,
every decision whether to have pizza or Chinese.
But none of them saw the thing they left in the grass; a small, glowing
cube, filled with a power that never existed...
-----------<>-----------
<---------------------->
Welcome to the first Digital JUMP!*Special! This is what I'm doing
instead of jumping forward in the series' chronological numbering when
I come up with a story idea and I'm already in the middle of an arc.
The next special will more than likely be the MSTing I've been
threatening, though I'm not guaranteeing these on any kind of schedule.
(My god but this one took an unholy long time.)
In case you're not familiar with the events I'm paying tribute to here,
check out http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Retcon_Hour . And then read the
story - the crazy, chaotic, all-over-the-place awesome story. This is
nothing compared to that.
I apologize if I didn't get your favorite classic LNH story; this was
more the stuff that pushed my personal nostalgia buttons. That said,
there are some I just couldn't get in here; I would've loved a Misfits
sequence!
Anyone who wants to pick up the Modus Mistress plotline totally can!
Hooks!
Random notes: Obviously, ExMachina Y would usher in some sort of Brian
K. Vaughan-based dystopia. Can you guess who the sixth Time Crapper is
an homage to? And can you tell I liked Amalgam?
Description (and some of the dialogue) of Pack Rat taken straight from
Unlikely Aliens #1 and #3, by Scott Johnson. Used without permission.
The full list of characters homaged:
* Roles taken on by Our Heroes:
Leafy-Arugula Lad: http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Limp-Asparagus_Lad
Casey von Aluminumfoil (scene 1): http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Retcon_Lad
Baron Not Appearing In Any Story Published Before 2002:
http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Kid_Not_Appearing_In_Any_Retcon_Hour_Story
Sequential Storytelling Sovereign:
http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Fourth_Wall_Lass
Cat Enthusiastic: http://lnhq.info/wiki/Panta
Casey von Aluminumfoil (scene 2): http://lnhq.info/wiki/Lost_Cause_Boy
@narky: http://lnhq.info/wiki/Kid_Anarky
Ductile Lass: http://lnhq.info/wiki/Pliable_Lad
Breakneck Boy: http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Captain_Caffeine
Casey von Aluminumfoil (scene 3):
http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Distraction_Dude
Count Cutscene: http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Mister_Matinee
Modus Mistress: http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Sim-Sorceress
Jacyb Zag Popperance Akatak Ygraine XXVII:
http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Zagyg_Ygraine
Casey von Aluminumfoil (scene 4): http://lnhq.info/wiki/Hybrid
Proto-Yeek: http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Ur-Grue
Wyrd Sister: http://lnhq.info/wiki/Wyrd
Revolutionary Belle: http://lnhq.info/wiki/Rebel_Yell
Casey von Aluminumfoil (scene 5): http://lnhq.info/wiki/Lurking_Girl
Emoticon Lad: http://lnhq.info/wiki/Typo_Lad
Enthu.sig.astic Lad: http://lnhq.info/wiki/Sig.Lad
Casey von Aluminumfoil (scene 7): http://lnhq.info/wiki/Cheeez_Arrow
KrimsonKat: http://lnhq.info/wiki/Kopikat
Squidwoman: http://lnhq.info/wiki/Squidman
* Roles taken on by The Bad Guy:
Exclaimation!Master!: http://lnhq.info/wiki/Exclamation%21Master%21
Defacto: http://lnhq.info/wiki/Defacto
Webs Tor: http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Webs_Tor
Pack Rat: http://lnhq.info/wiki/Pack_Rat
Faded Iron Master: http://lnhq.info/wiki/Faded_Iron_Master
* The various Time Crappers that came before:
I: http://lnhq.info/wiki/Time_Crapper
II: http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Time_Crapper_II
III: http://lnhq.info/wiki/Time_Crapper_III
IV: http://lnhq.info/wiki/Time_Crapper_IV
* Others referenced and cameoed:
Contraption Man: http://lnhq.info/wiki/Contraption_Man
Spoonsday: http://lnhq.info/wiki/Spoonsday
Dave Thomas Deluxe University:
http://lnhq.info/wiki/Dave_Thomas_Deluxe_University
Particle Man: http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Particle_Man
Constellation: http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Constellation
Fan.dom of the Alt.ra: http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Fan.dom_of_the_Alt.ra
IMPLO: http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/IMPLO
Master Workload: http://lnhq.info/wiki/Master_Workload
DeFacto V: http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/DeFacto_V
Teams of rejected LNHers: http://lnhq.info/wiki/R.E.J.E.C.T.S. and
http://www.eyrie.org/~thad/blip/other/lr01.html
Marissa Picard: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/FanFic/MarissaPicard
Pants:
http://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Series/Teenfactor/Teenfactor.025.pants.gz
And if you'd like edit access to the wiki, just make an account and
I'll add it to the list!
Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, finally done!
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