LNH: LNH Comics Presents #508 - Introducing Lord New Hamphire

[Martin Phipps]

London, July 13th, 1776

  Word had gotten to King Charles III that the colonialists in America
had declared independence.  This could not do.  He summoned me and
twelve of my closest friends to his presence.
  "Thank you for coming so quickly," the king said.
  "Your majesty!" I said.  "It is our duty to serve!"
  "Indeed!" the king said, "but some of your brethren have forgotten
their duty!  These Americans!"
  "What would you have us do?" I asked.
  The king nodded.  "You will no longer be known by your old names.
You are to be Lord New Hampshire."  He addressed each of us in turn
and gave us all titles corresponding to each of the thirteen
colonies.  "I want you to lead my army again the American rebels!  I
want you to inspire them to fight!  I have provided you all with
bright red uniforms.  Please follow the courtier to the other room so
you can change into them."
  The thirteen of us followed the courtier to a changing room.  The
uniforms were made of the finest cloth and colored with the rarest of
dyes.  They truly reflected the greatness of Britain.
  The courtier brought us back to face the king.
  "Ah!  very good!" the king said.  "Especially you, Lord New
Hampshire!  You look especially dashing!"
  "Thank you, your majesty!"
  "In fact, seeing you in your uniform gives me an idea!  The fleet
won't be ready for another week so, Lord New Hampshire, I have a job
just for you!"
  For five nights I put on two shows a night in a local theater, as
per the king's orders.  Ten women, five on each side of me, were
dressed in the summer dresses as I stood there in my new uniform and
read aloud a speech for the audience to hear.  This was propaganda: we
were to get the people behind this war against the colonialists.
Anyway, just as I was finishing my speech the fun part came.
  "Lord New Hampshire!" a child cried out.  "It's George Washington!"
  The child was the same child every night for both shows.  He was
part of the act.  As was, of course, the man dressed up as George
Washington.  He would come up behind me and I would turn around and
hit him and knock him to the ground.  It was all in fun!
  Anyway, that all ended when we had to get in our ships and sail to
America.  The trip took a couple of months so I'll spare you the
details.  Ultimately we arrived in Boston and began our attack.
  The war was going well.  We were trained soldiers fighting militia,
after all.  But there was one American who was a real threat.
  He was known as the Orange Skeleton.  Rumor had it that he was one
of the terrorists who participated in the Boston Tea Party.  But he
accidentally fell in the water.  All that tea mixed with sea water:
it... changed him.  His skin became jaundiced and he became so very
thin.  Yet he had become a symbol of American resistance!  He
therefore had to be stopped!
  We learned through a spy we had placed among the rebels that the
Orange Skeleton had a plan to strike back against England!  I had to
find out what that plan was!  The thirteen of us were sent as a group
to fight our way through the rebels and get to the Orange Skeleton.
Only I survived to face him!
  "The Orange Skeleton!" I said.  "We meet at last!"
  "You are too late, Lord New Hampshire!" he said.  "My plan has
already been set in motion!"
  "What have you done?" I asked.
  The Orange Skeleton gestured to the sky.  There I saw a big red
balloon.  It was a hot air balloon.
  "This balloon will cross the Atlantic and travel all the way to
London!  The king will see it and be... very scared!  He will have to
order his army to surrender!"
  "You fiend!"
  "Ha ha!  But, like I said, there's nothing you can do!"
  "That may not be true!" I said.  There was a rope dangling down from
the balloon, just close enough to the ground for me to reach if I
jumped.  So i did.  Then I climbed up into the balloon.
  "Ha ha!" the Orange Skeleton said.  "You can't stop it!  You'll die
trying!"
  I decided I would rather die than give up!  But the Orange Skeleton
was right: I couldn't do anything to stop the balloon.
  Luckily for the king, the Orange Skeleton was wrong about one thing:
the balloon would not reach England.  You see, the shortest route from
Massachusetts to England passes close to the Arctic circle and when
the balloon started to ice up on the northern side it started drifting
ever farther northward until the ice covering the balloon became too
much and it couldn't stay aloft.
  As a result of the high altitude, my breathing had slowed.  And as I
slowly got colder and colder, my entire metabolism became slower and
slower.
  At least, that's what I was told by the doctors who revived me two
centuries later.  After a rehabilitation period back in England, I
decided to come back to America to finish what i had started, namely
fighting injustice and protecting this country from terrorists!

Net.ropolis, present day.  Ultimate Ninja's office.

  Lord New Hampshire smiled.  "So that's my story.  May I join your
legion?"
  Ultimate Ninja grimaced under his mask.  "Those terrorists you talk
about were the founders of this great nation!"
  Lord New Hampshire looked disappointed.  "You mean... Washington and
his cronies won?"
  "Yes!"
  "Oh dear."
  "And you hit George Washington!"
  "An actor..."
  "Ten times!"
  "playing...
  "To the floor!"
  "Washington."
  "Get out!"
  "I'm sorry?"
  "Get out now!"
  Lord New Hampshire sighed.  "Very well..."
  "Now!"
  "I shall leave."
  "Before I kill you!"
  Lord New Hampshire got up and left.

  The Ultimate Ninja took a moment to regain his composure.  Then he
pressed the intercom and asked for the next applicant to be sent in.
  The next applicant walked in and sat down.
  "And who are you?" the Ninja asked.
 The applicant cleared his throat and spoke.  "I am the Likeable
Noodle Handler.  I work in a Chinese restaurant handling noodles...
and people like me."
  The Ultimate Ninja sighed.  It was going to be one of those days.

  The end.

Martin