LNH: Pigs in Time #4: Invasion of the DaLEDs

[Martin Phipps]

Note1 : This was written back in May, 2006.  Pigs in Time #3 was never
posted.  (I had a plot for the third issue and Tom had a plot for the
third issue and they didn't agree and I told him to go ahead but he
apparently wasn't happy with it either.)  This is being posted with
Tom's permission.

Note2: This story takes place before Master Blaster was married to
Sister State-the-Obvious.

Volunteering to test a prototype time-cycle, MASTER
BLASTER and SARCASTIC LAD of the LNH discover they
have no control over where-- or when-- the cycle will
take them next!  They are... PIGS IN TIME!

1546 -- LONDON, ENGLAND

  "We did it!" Sarcastic Lad said.  "We actually got
away!"
  "You should be more trusting," Master Blaster said.
"I mean, we've escaped from them five times before."
  "Make that _will_ escape from them," Sarcastic Lad
pointed out.  "At least from our point of view."
  Suddenly and without warning, futuristic robots
appeared before them.  Well, actually, they looked
like garbage cans on wheels.  And they had guns.  Big
guns.  And they spoke.
  "We are the DaLEDs.  You will be exterminated!
Exterminated!  Exterminated!"
  "Oh Boy!" said Master Blaster.

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     PIGS IN TIME
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  BY PHIPPS & RUSSELL
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"INVASION OF THE DALEDS"
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  "They sound like a broken record!" Sarc said,
covering his ears.  "Always the same thing, over and
over again."
  "Let's turn this bike around!" Master Blaster said.
"There's too many of them!  And we can't take the
chance that they'll destroy the bike!"
  "Oh no," Sarcastic Lad said, "heaven forbid the bike
should get damaged."

FIVE MINUTES LATER

  "That was weird," Master Blaster said, refering to
what had just happened.
  "At least we know we're going to survive this,"
Sarcastic Lad said.
  "Of course we're going to survive this!" Master
Blaster said confidently.  "Let's go!"
  "Go where?"
  "Let's go destroy some DaLEDs!"
  "Are you nuts?" Sarc asked.  "There must the
thousands of them.  It's a full invasion force!"
  "Nah," Master Blaster said.  "There's only about a
dozen of them.  See?  The rest are just digitally
inserted into the frame to make it look like a full
invasion force."
  Sarcastic Lad shook his head.  "That's only for the
splash page: the artist only drew a dozen or so DaLEDs
and then used computer graphics to try to make it look
like he'd drawn thousands."
  "That's so freakin' lame!" Master Blaster
complained.
  "Give the guy a break!" Sarcastic Lad said.  "We
can't all be George Perez!"
  "Fair enough."
  "So anyway, how do you plan to stop thousands of
DaLEDs all by yourself?"
  "With this!" Master Blaster said, holding up his BIG
Gun.
  "Just that one gun?" Sarcastic Lad asked.  "What
about when it runs out of ammo?"
  "Then I'll pull out another one!"
  Just then, King Henry the Eighth's royal guards
caught up with them.  "Aha!" the head of the imperial
guard said.  "We've caught up with them!"
  "Great," Sarcastic Lad said, "as if we don't have
enough trouble."
  "Oh!" Master Blaster said.  "This is perfect!"
  "Huh?"
  "Surrender your weapon!" the King's Imperial Guard
demanded.
  "Oh, right," Sarcastic Lad said, "as if you're just
going to hand it over!"
  "Here!" Master Blaster said as he handed it over.
  "What are you doing?" Sarcastic Lad asked.
  "I'm arming these people against the DaLEDs!" Master
Blaster explained.  "It's their only chance!"
  "Hmm," Sarcastic Lad said, "that actually makes
sense."
  "DaLEDs?" the Imperial Guard asked.  "What are
they?"
  Suddenly the DaLEDs appeared right in front of them.
"You will be exterminated!  You will be
exterminated!" they said.
  "They are the DaLEDs," Sarcastic Lad said.
  "But... what are they?  Where did they come from?"
  Master Blaster and Sarcastic Lad looked at each
other and shrugged their shoulders.  "Um... he didn't
say," they said together.
  "He?  Who--?"
  "Get down!" Master Blaster said as he pulled the
guardsman from his horse.
  "Unhand me, you--!" he started to say before he
noticed a death ray just missing his head.
  "Look," Master Blaster said, "we've got to work
together to destroy these things!  Now each of your
men take a weapon and start openning fire!  Got it?"
  The guardsman nodded.  "Very well, you've got a
deal!"
  Master Blaster started handing out weapons to all of
the men who had been after him and Sarc.  "Alright!
Do you all know what to do?"
  "Aye!" they all shouted, holding up their BIG guns
proudly.
  "Good!" Master Blaster said.  "Now let's go kick
some robot... um... lids."

  Miraculously --well actually because the robots had
such pour aim, their single sensor eye giving them no
sense of depth whatsoever-- nobody had been killed so
far in this invasion.  Even with an army barrelling
down at them, the DaLEDs just seemed to be firing at
random.  Master Blaster along with King Henry the
Eighth's armed forces right behind him were taking
them out several at a time.
  "This is like taking fish from a barrel!" one of the
guardsman said with glee.
  Pretty soon it was all over: there was nothing left
of the DaLEDs but twisted metal.  "You did it!"
  "Now you come with us!" the head of Henry the Eighth
Imperial Guard said.
  "What?" Master Blaster asked.  "Are you serious?  I
just saved your city, maybe the whole Looniearth from
a robot invasion!"
  Then Master Blaster noticed that all their BIG guns
were pointing at him.
  "Oh," he said.  "So it's like that, is it?"
  Just then the TURDIS arrived.
  "He's back!" Sarcastic Lad said.
  The door to the TURDIS openned and Sarcastic Lad ran
in.
  "Hey, Sarc!" Master Blaster said as he ran after
Sarcastic Lad into the TURDIS.  He closed the door
behind him.
  "Come back here!" the head of the Imperial Guard
demanded.  "We're supposed to bring you back alive but
-- @#$% it!  Open fire!"
  King Henry the Eighth's men all opened fire at the
TURDIS... but it was already gone.

  "Great," Sarcastic Lad said.  "Now that you've given
England advanced weapons, what's to stop them from
using them to invade Scotland?"
  "Well, actually," Master Blaster said, "they do,
remember."
  Sarcastic Lad thought back to the relevant scene in
Braveheart.

  "For Scotland!" Mel Gibson's character cried out.
  The English soldiers pulled out BIG guns and started
mowing down the kilt-clad Scottish defenders.
  "Holy @#$%!"

  "Oh yeah," Sarcastic Lad said, "but, wait, didn't
the War of Scottish Indepence happen at the end of the
13th Century AD?  About two hundred and fifty years
earlier?"
  "Historians weren't sure when England developed such
weaponry," Master Blaster explained.  "It was just a
mistake in the movie."
  "Fair enough."
  "So you see, our actions are becoming part of
history," Master Blaster said with a smile.
  "But now that we're here on the TURDIS," Sarcastic
Lad said, "I guess that's all over."
  Master Blaster looked around the room.  It looked
futuristic, like something from a Star Trek episode
but with a much smaller budget.
  "It's a lot bigger on the inside than it looks on
the outside," Master Blaster said.
  The Time Cop looked up from his controls and smiled.
"You sound like your wife."
  "Wife?" Master Blaster asked.
  Sarc laughed.  "Rob?  Married?"
  "Nevermind," the Time Cop said quickly.  "It's an
expression we use in the 23rd century.  What I meant
to say is that everybody notices that when they come
in here."
  "This is a time machine?" Master Blaster asked.
  "It is."
  Master Blaster mused for a moment.  "You use this
machine to travel through time."
  "I do."
  "So what makes you any different from us?"
  The Time Cop smiled.  "I'm not randomly travelling
through time causing disruptions in the time
continuum."
  "Okay," Master Blaster said.  "Then what about the
DaLEDs?  Where did they come from?"
  "They were a failed experiment in sentient
artificial intelligence," the Time Cop explained.  "We
believe they came back from the 24th century.  It was
because of menaces like them that the Time Corps were
formed."
  "Fair enough," Master Blaster said, "but what were
they doing in England in 1546?"
  "Obviously they were expecting little resistance in
1546.  They were trying to take over Looniearth by
travelling to its past."
  "So we just saved all of humanity back there!"
  "Yes."
  "So?"
  "So what?"
  "So let us go."
  The Time Cop shook his head.  "I am to return you
back to LNH HQ in the year 1995!"
  "What about the bike?"
  "What about it?"
  "It's advanced time travel technology!  If it were
to get into the wrong hands..."
  "And, besides," Sarc added, "it wasn't ours.  It
belonged to Doctor Stomper.  We should get it back for
him."
  "Right!" Master Blaster said.  "And it was a
prototype!  That means Doctor Stomper invented time
travel!  Maybe, without that bike, without the means
to figure out what went wrong with it, Doctor Stomper
will never be able to develop the technology, without
which your Time Corps would not even exist!"
  In truth, Master Blaster cared nothing about any of
this: he was only interested in the fact that he had
not yet had the chance to have sex with the other five
wives of King Henry the Eighth!  Still, his argument
made sense.
  "Very well," the Time Corp said.  "I'll show you how
to use the controls.  Send us to a time and place
where we can recover the motorcycle."
  "Alright!" Master Blaster said.

1546 -- LONDON, ENGLAND

  "We did it!" Sarcastic Lad said.  "We actually got
away!"
  "You should be more trusting," Master Blaster said.
"I mean, we've escaped from them five times before."
  "Make that _will_ escape from them," Sarcastic Lad
pointed out.  "At least from our point of view."
  Suddenly and without warning, futuristic robots
appeared before them.  Well, actually, they looked
like garbage cans on wheels.  And they had guns.  Big
guns.  And they spoke.
  "We are the DaLEDs.  You will be exterminated!
Exterminated!  Exterminated!"
  "Oh Boy!" said Master Blaster.
  "They sound like a broken record!" Sarc said,
covering his ears.  "Always the same thing, over and
over again."
  "Let's turn this bike around!" Master Blaster said.
"There's too many of them!  And we can't take the
chance that they'll destroy the bike!"
  "Oh no," Sarcastic Lad said, "heaven forbid the bike
should get damaged."

  Master Blaster drove the motorcycle until they were
out of the range of the DaLED guns.  Then the TURDIS
arrived.
  "@#$%!" Master Blaster swore.  "Time Cop!"
  As soon as the TURDIS had fully materialized, Master
Blaster opened the door and cried out "Guys!  Stop!"
  "It's us!" said Sarcastic Lad, standing behind him.
  "Uh, Rob," Sarcastic Lad said as he sat next to
Master Blaster, "I think it's us."
  "Can't be," Master Blaster said.  "We are us."
  "I think they are also us."
  "Huh."
  "Look, let's just go see."
  Master Blaster shook his head.  "No.  It's a trap."
  "It's not a trap!" Master Blaster said from the
TURDIS.
  "See?" Sarcastic Lad said.  "It's not a trap."
  "You're going to take his word for it?"
  "Rob, he's you."
  "I don't think so."
  "Fine," Sarcastic Lad said.  "Can we at least go
find out?"
  "Alright," Master Blaster said reluctantly as he
turned the motorcycle around and headed back to the
TURDIS.
  "They're coming back," said Sarcastic Lad from the
TURDIS.
  "I can see that," said the Master Blaster standing
next to him.
  "Okay," said Master Blaster as he drove up to the
TURDIS.  "What's going on?"
  "We need the motorcycle," Master Blaster said.
  "No way," Master Blaster said.
  "Look," Master Blaster said, "when the Master
Blaster and Sarcastic Lad from the future came back
and said we needed the bike, we gave them the bike."
  "That's who you are?" Master Blaster asked.  "The
Master Blaster and Sarcastic Lad from the future?  So
where's your bike."
  "I just told you," Master Blaster said, "we gave
them our bike."
  "This is getting confusing," Sarcastic Lad said.
  "Hey," Master Blaster said, "which of you Sarcastic
Lads just said that?"
  "Exactly," Sarcastic Lad said.
  "Alright," Master Blaster said.  "How do we know you
are really us from the future."
  "Oh come on," Sarcastic Lad said, "are we ripping
off Bill and Ted again?  Please, we don't have time
for this."
  "Yeah," Master Blaster said, "ripping off scenes
from movies is lame.  Freakin' lame."
  "So?" Sarcastic Lad asked.
  "Yeah," Master Blaster said.  "It's us."
  "So give them the bike."
  "Bring the bike into the TURDIS," the Time Cop said.
  "It's okay," Master Blaster said.  "We'll go bring
it in."
  "Fair enough," the Time Cop said.
  Master Blaster and Sarcastic Lad got out of the
motorcycle and Master Blaster and Sarcastic Lad got
into the motorcycle.
  "Hey!" The Time Cop shouted.  "What are you doing?"
  "Sucker!" Master Blaster said.  "Sarc, hang on!"
Master Blaster started the motorcycle, accelerated it
to eighty five and disappeared.
  "Merde!" the Time Cop said.  He got back into his
TURDIS, presumably to go after them.
  Master Blaster and Sarcastic Lad, now without a time
cycle, just stood there looking at each other.
  "That was weird," Master Blaster said, refering to
what had just happened.
  "At least we know we're going to survive this,"
Sarcastic Lad said.
  "Of course we're going to survive this!" Master
Blaster said confidently.  "Let's go!"
  "Go where?"
  "Let's go destroy some DaLEDs!"

EPILOGUE

  Catherine sat by her husband in his royal court when
Bishop Stephen Gardiner and Chancellor Thomas
Wriothesley came in to accuse her of being unfaithful
and then helping the adulterer and his accomplice
escape.
  "We accuse Catherine of having been unfaithful with
and then helping the adulterer and his accomplice to
escape," the Bishop said.
  Henry shook his head.  "Nonsense!  Catherine would
never betray me!  Besides, how do you explain how the
pair had escaped five times previously?"
  "It is because they had come here five times
previously that we were ready for them!" the
Chancellor insisted.
  "Silence!" Henry said.  He turned to his wife.
"That's not the sort of thing you would do, is it?"
  "Of course not, my Lord!" she lied.
  "No," Henry said, "of course not.  You're my wife.
You are faithful to me.  You always do what I say.
You never argue with me."
  "No, never," she said quickly.
  He looked at Bishop Stephen Gardiner and Chancellor
Thomas Wriothesley.  "Are you satisfied?"
  "Absolutely, your Grace!" the Chancellor said.
  "And are you not going to apologize to the lady?"
  "Of course!" the Bishop said and then turned
slightly to look at the queen.  "My apologies,
Madame!"
  "Very well," Henry said.  "I'm feeling generous
today.  Perhaps you two should leave before I change
my mind and have you both charged with treason!"
  "Of course!" said the Chancellor.  "I apologize as
well.  You will not hear of this again."
  "I very much hope so!" Henry said.
  The two men left, relieved to know that the king had
spared their lives.

                       THE END

Master Blaster and the Time Cop created by Martin
Phipps
Sarcastic Lad created by Gary St. Lawrence

Martin