ACRA/LNHY: Girls on Beach Blankets #4: 'A Beach Blanket James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita Mix Christmas!'

[Arthur Spitzer]

ACRA/LNHY:  Girls on Beach Blankets #4:  'A Beach Blanket James Joyce 
Brand Eggnog Margarita Mix Christmas!'


[Warning:  Be sure to buy some James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita Mix 
and make a big batch before you read this issue.  You won't be sorry! 
(But you will be sorry if you don't drink a bunch before you read this!)]





                  Girls on Beach Blankets #4

'A Beach Blanket James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita Mix Christmas!'






Where are we?

Ah, yes.

It is a beach.  A beach with girls on it.  Girls wearing bikinis.  On 
blankets.  Yes, blankets.

Let's examine a couple of these girls closer, shall we?

The first girl is a red head in a green bikini.  Her name is Cherry and 
she goes to Harvard Law School where she's training to be a Supreme 
Court Justice or a leader of a Sex Cult.  Whichever pays more.

The girl next to her is a Latino in a green bikini by the name of Salsa. 
  Salsa is the leader of an all girl band and hopes to go to Alaska one 
day so she can raise huskies.

There, we have gotten all of that back-story crap out of the way.  Let 
us now listen to these two bikini-clad friends talk to each other, shall 
we?  I think we shall.

Cherry sips her James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita and feels the ecstasy 
that only one who sips a James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita can ever 
truly feel.  Then she places her margarita glass on the sand as the sun 
beats away on her nearly naked body and looks at her friend Salsa. 
"Salsa?" she says, "What do you think?"

"About what?" Salsa says as she slowly licks away at a candy cane in her 
hand.  And then Salsa thinks to herself what would it be like to dip 
this candy cane into a glass of James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margaritas? 
And then to lick that James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita right off the 
candy cane?  What would that be like?  What would it indeed.  What would 
it indeed.

"The Easter Bunny or Santa Claus.  Who would be better in bed?  Hmm?" 
Cherry looks at her glass of James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita and 
wonders if she should drink some more.  Yes, I think she should.  And 
when she finishes it, she should buy some more.

"Hmm," Salsa says as she thinks about this question.  A question that 
our greatest philosophers through out the beginning of time have failed 
to answer.  And a question that may never be truly answered to mankind's 
satisfaction.  "I guess the Easter Bunny."

"Yeah, that's what I think too."

   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<

Elsewhere...

In a small town, a group of teenage boys put a magic bikini on a female 
snowman and she comes to life.

The female snowman goes to Hollywood and makes a bunch of 'Snowgirls 
Gone Wild' dvds.

Eventually, the stress of the Holidays causes her to melt away.  Melt 
away forever.

Don't get stressed out by the Holidays.

Make some James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margaritas.

Take the stress out of the Holidays.

James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita Mix.

   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<

Elsewhere...

A stingy curmudgeon gets a visit from three ghostly spirits the night 
before Christmas.  These spirits show the stingy curmudgeon the 'True 
Meaning of Christmas'.

The next morning the stingy curmudgeon sells the 'True Meaning of 
Christmas' on eBay and gets a trillion dollars for it.

The buyer of the 'True Meaning of Christmas' is in fact an alien warlord 
by the name of Thongatron who rules a vast Space Empire populated by 
robotic shapeshifters who can be both a swimwear for humans and robots. 
  These robots are the Bikinitrons and they shall come to our Universe 
in 2009 and enslave us by using the 'True Meaning of Christmas' against us.

There is no hope.

We are doomed.

There is no hope.

So before the invasion hits your town be sure to stock up with James 
Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita Mix.

James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita Mix.

They can take away your freedom.  They can take away your dignity.  They 
can take away your family, friends, and pets.  They can take away your 
life.  But they can't take away the memories.

The memories.

The memories of a good James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita.

   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<

Salsa dips her candy cane into the James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita. 
She drowns the cane in the James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita without 
mercy.  No mercy.  And then she pulls it out and gazes at the glistening 
juices of the James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita that drip down from the 
candy cane.  She looks at it with wonder.  Should she lick it?  Should 
she?  Yes.  She can't resist!  She must lick it!  She must know what a 
candy cane dipped in James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margaritas tastes like. 
And she must know -- now!  She grabs the candy cane forcibly and 
swallows the cane.  Her tongue fondles every inch of the cane as it 
tries to enslave every bit of nectar from the James Joyce Brand Eggnog 
Margarita.  Her body falls on her beach blanket even as her tongue still 
tries to dominate the cane.  Her body starts to shiver.  Convulse.  Her 
toes spasm.

She is gone.  Gone beyond this world.  She has gone to a world that only 
people who dip their candy canes into James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita 
and lick them can every know about.

Where is she?  She looks at this new world.  There's snow.  Snow 
falling.  Beautiful snow.  And she sees a helicopter.  Out of the 
helicopter jumps a bikini-clad woman shooting at moose.  Sarah Palin! 
She must be in Alaska!  Hi Sarah!  And what's she doing?  Why is she here?

Huskies!

She's raising Huskies!

She's raising Huskies!

Finally, her dream has come true!

Raising Huskies!

God!

Raising Huskies!

Yes!

Yes!!

And she's... she's...

She's in the Iditarod!

She's winning!

She's won!

She's on the cover of Wheaties!

She is the 'Breakfast of Champions'!!

Her eyes open again.

She's back in the Real World.  The candy cane is on her chest.  She 
takes a deep breath.

"Where were you?" asks Cherry taking a sip from her James Joyce Brand 
Eggnog Margarita.

"I was -- I was raising Huskies."

"Uhuh."  Cherry flips through her 'Tanning Life' magazine.

Salsa looks at Cherry reading her 'Tanning Life' magazine and then looks 
into the sky.  A question comes to her mind.  A question of questions. 
"Cherry?"

"What?"

"Who would you do?  Santa Clause.  Or Jesus Christ?"

"Hmm.  Are we talking Post-Crucified or Pre-Crucified Christ?"

   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<

Up in Heaven...

A dog wearing a Santa hat, trenchcoat, tenor sax, gold necklace with 
wings on his back looks down on the 'Girls on Beach Blankets #4:  'A 
Beach Blanket James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita Mix Christmas!''  He 
looks down at a beach where girls are on beach blankets -- and sighs a 
weary sigh.  A dog named Dr. Cool J Dog.

"Man, these X-mas specials were a lot more fun back when I was still 
alive.  Being dead sucks."

The also dead hero Rockpettingboy walks in with a glass of James Joyce 
Brand Eggnog Margaritas in his hand.  "Heaven's all out of James Joyce 
Brand Eggnog Margaritas," he says as he drinks the last one.

   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<

Elsewhere...

"Thank god you guys got here!  He's in there!"  The man pointed to his 
house as he talked to the policeman.  "He's tearing everything apart! 
Everything!  He's a monster!"

"Who?  Who is tearing your house apart, sir?"

"Santa!  It's Santa!  Santa Clause!  He's gone insane!  He's destroying 
everything!  Everything!!"

"Wait.  I think you better fill me in on some details.  Why is Santa 
Claus in your house?"

"Well, we were having this Christmas Party -- and well, I guess we 
thought it might be funny to invite the real Santa Claus.  For a laugh 
mind you.  We didn't really think he'd accept our invite.  But he did."

"And then?"

"Well, we were partying and he showed up.  We let him in.  He seemed 
like a nice guy.  A jolly guy.  It was all friendly at the start.  And 
then.  And then it happened."

"What happened?"

"I asked him if he'd like something to drink.  And he said sure.  He 
laughed and his belly shook like jelly.  And he said, 'Do you have any 
by chance James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margaritas?  I do love those. 
They're yummy in the tummy!'  And I said, 'Sorry, we don't have any. 
How about some regular eggnog or some apple cider?'"

"And that's when something in Santa's facial expression changed. 
Something snapped.  The rosy red cheeks of happiness disappeared and 
just the blood of rage remained.  It was an absolute anger.  An anger 
only gods have.  He looked at us with contempt and disgust.  A look of 
all consuming hatred.  He looked at us like we were ants.  Just ants. 
Like we were nothing.  He said, 'You don't have any James Joyce Brand 
Eggnog Margaritas!?  You *don't* have any James Joyce Brand Eggnog 
Margaritas!!?  Is that what you're telling me!?  You're telling me that 
I flew all the way from the Goddamn North Pole and *You* don't have any 
Goddamn James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margaritas!!  Is that what you're 
telling me?!!  IS IT!!!!!!!!'  And then he grabbed this champagne bottle 
and just threw it at the wall.  Glass flew all over the house.  And then 
he started cursing at us.  Calling our mothers whores.  He spat in the 
bean dip.  And then he walked over to this big oak table that my 
great-grandfather had built by hand and he -- and he karate chopped it 
with one hand.  One hand!  And he raised both of his hands in the air 
and this unearthly howl raged from his mouth.  It was the most horrible 
sound I've ever heard.  And his face.  I could see it in his face.  He 
was going to make us pay.  Pay for not having any James Joyce Brand 
Eggnog Margaritas.  He was going to make us all pay.  And that's when he 
started throwing furniture!  He was a wild man throwing anything 
everywhere!  All of us started running out of the house to escape his 
all consuming wrath."

The man fell to his knees.  Tears started to stream from his eyes.  "Oh 
god.  It was horrible.  So horrible.  And he's still in there.  Still 
throwing furniture."

"And then you called us?" said the policeman as he closed his notebook.

"Yes."

"And let me get this straight -- you threw a party, but you had no James 
Joyce Brand Eggnog Margaritas at this party?  Is that correct?"

"That's right."

"Okay, boys.  Cuff him."

A couple of police officers proceeded to shackle the owner of the 
house's hands.  "What the -- Are you people crazy?  I'm the victim! 
Santa is destroying my house!"

"Maybe.  But you were the one who decided to throw a party -- a 
Christmas party -- without any James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margaritas.  Not 
only is that a colossally bad idea, but it's against the law.  The Law 
of -- Holiday Fun!!  No Christmas Party should ever not have James Joyce 
Brand Eggnog Margaritas!  It's Unamerican!  So says -- THE PARTY 
POLICE!"  All the police officers snapped their fingers at that point 
and made spinning movements.  "Hope you like 'Lame Party Prison' because 
that's where you're headed fella!  You have the right to remain silent. 
  You have the right..."

"And folks," said another member of the Party Police towards the camera. 
  "Remember this Holiday season to always make sure that your Christmas, 
Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice, Festivus, And whatever else you 
people celebrate parties have James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margaritas.  Even 
if you don't drink.  And if you do drink make sure someone else is 
driving.  Because if you don't do these things -- well, you're going to 
piss off Santa Claus.  And you don't want to see Santa angry.  No siree. 
  You wouldn't like him when he's angry."

A grand piano flew out of one of the house's windows.

"Damn it!  It's Santa!  He's coming out!"  An officer shouted into his 
police party radio.  "We need more men!  More Guns!  More Helicopters! 
More Sarah Palin!  And a whole hell lot more James Joyce Brand Eggnog 
Margaritas!!!  Pronto!!"  The policeman started shooting at Santa, but 
Santa melted the bullets with his Santa vision.

Santa was not going to leave gently.

Not till he got his James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita.

   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<   O8-<

Well, that's it for this year's 'A Beach Blanket James Joyce Brand 
Eggnog Margarita Mix Christmas'

But before we go -- let us pause and meditate about what the 'True 
Meaning of the Holidays' is...

Let me quote the Gospel of James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita Mix 12:25: 
  "And Jesus looked unto his disciples and said unto them, The True 
Meaning of the Holidays is 'James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margaritas'!!! 
Let's get our drink on!!!  Woo Hoo!!!!!!, and there was much rejoicing!"

That made sense in 21AD and it still makes sense.

Words to live by.

And Remember folks -- it's always the right season for 'James Joyce 
Brand Eggnog Margarita Mix'!! whether it's James Joyce Brand Eggnog 
Margarita Regular flavor, Nacho flavor, Flavor flavor, and Surprise Flavor!!

And for the youngsters be sure and try our, 'Kiddie James Joyce Brand 
Eggnog Margarita Mix'!!

Arthur "Happy Holidays!" Spitzer