LNH: Alt.stralian Yarns #14: The Ame.rec.an Dream

[Tarq]

~SEVERAL MONTHS AGO...~

Kid Recap was just leaving the LNH HQ when the postman began walking
up the path with a large wooden crate. Feeling helpful, Kid Recap went
to greet him.

"Hi! Can I help you there, sir?"

"Ah - hi - yes, uh... I have a crate here. It's simply addressed to
'Ame.rec.a'. I was instructed to, uh, bring it here?"

Kid Recap regarded the box suspiciously. "Hrm. It doesn't look
dangerous. I guess we open it."

The postman and Kid Recap each grabbed different edges of a side of
the crate, and pushed with all their might. Finally, the crate burst
open, and a young boy in offensively bright clothing rolled out.

"Hiya hi hi hi hi! Hello! Hiya! Hey, guys! I'm a, me, that's me, I'm
me, yup, uh-huh, yeah, I am, I am, I'm me, and, and, you'll never
guess, you'll never guess, you'll never ever ever guess, I'm me, and
I'm, and I'm, and I'm a net.hero!"

Kid Recap frowned. "Uh. Okay. I'm sure that there's a really great
story behind all this, but even _I_ don't want to know."

----------

ALT.STRALIAN YARNS #14
Q6 - The Ame.rec.an Dream
by Mitchell Crouch

----------

Contempo Weapons Lad felt the odd tingle of teleportation pass over
him, and when he next opened his eyes, he was back at Questionable
Logic Man's residence at 37 Quaerere Lane in Alt.elaide.

"Uh... guys? Questionable Logic Man? I thought that QHQ was destroyed
after Flamingor attacked?"

Questionable Logic Man scoffed. "Of course it was! But now it's been
rebuilt. Clearly."

"But by whom? We were all in Syd.net!"

"Irrelevant. We're here now, and that's all that matters."
Questionable Logic Man looked around happily at the members of his
elite net.hero force, Team Q. Pow Bang Wham, Metro Grill, Azure X, all
there from the start. Flutterfly, the last surviving victim of the
notorious Seaweed Massacre of Bris.bit. And now, finally, Contempo
Weapons Lad -- the former leader of both Super Duper Awesome Team
Force Go and the Duo Contempo, two previous teams which had both met
their untimely end due to a sea lion and, Quel reflected with a trace
of pride, Questionable Logic Man himself.

Six of Alt.stralia's mightiest heroes, rallied together under a single
flag.

His flag.

Q.

"So!" Questionable Logic Man continued merrily, throwing off the
foreshadowing of the previous statements. "What now, eh? Now that the
country's more-or-less free of anyone immediately dangerous?"

"I wonder," Metro Grill murmured, "if any other villains went looking
for us in Syd.net?"

QLMan cleared his throat; "Now that the country is more-or-less free
of anyone immediately dangerous...!"

"What about Contempo Weapons Lad's cows?" asked Azure X. Everyone
turned to face her. Metro Grill and Questionable Logic Man eyed each
other uneasily, remembering the steers' destruction of the villain
City Sewer and their following attempt on the lives of the net.heroes.

"What about them?" replied CWLad, ignorant of the aforementioned
event. Azure X recounted Eureka and Foundim's deeds to the puzzled
Lad, which I'm sure you don't want to hear about again after I just
recapped them for your benefit already. "They wouldn't do that," he
gasped. "Eureka and Foundim are my friends...! They're like family,
except in the sense that I originally intended to eat them! What would
they try to kill you for?"

Flutterfly, who had previously been looking meaningfully thoughtful in
the corner, said, "What about the other one? The one that was on the
back of Evil Bad Unneighbourly's Turtle?"

[If you're lost, you may want to consider going back and reading from
_Alt.stralian Yarns #9_, or at least _Alt.stralian Yarns #13_. ~
Footnote Girl]

Contempo Weapons Lad stroked his chin thoughtfully.
"Thatswhereiputthebluddything? I assume that he would have died when
the Turtle hit the ground. But we managed to teleport away, so... I
don't know. Anything is possible."

Azure X nodded, went to say something, and then realised that she
didn't have a mouth.

Metro Grill picked up where she left off. "I say we try to get to
these cows. CW, if you can, I don't know, convince them to lay off the
slaughter or whatev'? That would be really great."

"But how do we find them?" asked Pow Bang Wham. "I'm not going back to
Syd.net for them. No way. The place will be absolutely crawling with
villains by now. Let ALBION.heroes or someone take care of them."

"You mean the Alt.stralian League of Background, Insignificant, Otiose
Net.heroes?"

"Yeah."

"'Sif they're worth mentioning."

"Don't worry about it," Contempo Weapons Lad cut in. "They seem to
have a way of being drawn to sources of narrative tension. The cows, I
mean. No doubt they'll rock up whenever it's important that they be
there."

Questionable Logic Man nodded, pleased with the way that events were
unfolding. "Awesome. So now all we need to do is lay back and play
some _Umbrella Action_ until they appear. Internet café, here we come,
oh yea-ea-eah!"

~ * ~

The Alt.stralia Post postmaster was not having a pleasant day. A large
parcel had been sent, via Alt.stralia Post, to Ame.rec.a, and now
those stroppy Legionnaires had called him up demanding an explanation.

"I don't _know_ what it is," he exasperatedly told the LNHer in
question, Bad-Timing Boy, who had been put in charge of looking after
the 'Creature from the Crate'. "I don't _know_ who sent it. All I know
is that it was sent to you. That's policy, that is."

"But what are we meant to do with it?" Bad-Timing Boy asked. "It keeps
brushing its teeth. Our water bills are astronomical enough as it is!"

"Not my fault!" declared the postmaster. "I just did my job of making
sure it got on its way. Ain't nothin' more I can do."

"Can't you, I don't know, check the sender's address and take it back?
Please?"

The conversation had been going on like this for well over two hours,
and continued on so for another five. By the time the postmaster
slammed the phone down, he was really, really unhappy.

"Somebody get me an envelope!" he barked. A postal worker ran out of
the office, and returned a few seconds later with a pre-adhesive
envelope. "Not this sort of envelope! One that you have to manually
lick to make it sticky!"

The workers all stopped, shocked and horrified. What sort of person
willingly asked for an envelope that had to be licked? The taste was
disgusting! The edge of the paper, so sharp! No human tongue could
possibly withstand its terrors! One of the workers cautiously handed
an envelope to his boss.

The postmaster opened it up, and ran his tongue along the thin strip
of stuff-that-requires-human-saliva-before-it-turns-sticky. Several
workers winced, their stomachs churning from the mere sight. The paper
cut his tongue, and adhesive leaked into the wound.

The postmaster finished the envelope, his brow sweating heavily. He
couldn't take it any more. Work. Customers. Net.heroes. Argh!
Net.heroes! "Another envelope!"

Nuisances. The lot of them! Why did they have to complicate his
business so? Why? The postmaster finished his second, third, and
fourth envelopes, his tongue bleeding horribly, his eyes watering from
the sheer agony.

"More! More! Another envelope! There will be no work tonight!" he
screeched. "No work ever again! Instead there will be... DEATH BY
ENVELOPE!!"

"Um," said the receptionist, "that's lovely for you, really. Are you
sure you don't want to see these men first? They say that it's very
important."

"Oh. Really?"

"Yes."

"Hm. Okay, then. Send them in." The postal postmaster looked up as two
towering figures in enormous trench coats and feature-obscuring hats
staggered into his office. The figures reached up and fumbled with the
brim of their hats with gloved hands, and finally managed to throw the
accessories away to the side.

These men were not men. Oh, no.

The postmaster was gazing straight into the glowing red eyes of two
supersteer.

~ * ~

Contempo Weapons Lad, Azure X and Flutterfly stood in the corner of
the internet café as their companions played games. Flutterfly, of
course, was not actually standing at all, for the same reason that she
was not gaming; she had no limbs.

But Contempo Weapons Lad's and Azure X's minds were occupied with
entirely different thoughts.

"You don't know why they attacked you?" CWLad was asking. "They just
zapped the Sewer, then tried to fry you, too?"

Azure X nodded. "They attacked City Sewer on sight, and then stared us
down for a little while. We dived, they shot, we teleported."

"Teleported right onto the back of the, uh, Tortoise of Big Sizes."

"Turtle of Apocalyptic Proportions."

"Yeah. Right. Anyway, right there, just at the right time to save me.
Do you think that they could have steered you there intentionally?"

Azure considered this suggestion. "Threatening Questionable Logic Man
so that he'd teleport and save you? It's possible. Equally possible
that they expected him to save their friend, too."

Contempo Weapons Lad thought back to Thatswhereiputthebluddything, who
had fired his gosh darn laser eyes at the Turtle's helicopter hat,
crashing the beast into the ground and presumably killing it.
"Thatswhereiputthebluddything _did_ wait a little while before
shooting the hat. He could have been waiting for a specific time.
Synchronized with Eureka and Foundim, yeah?"

"Steer synchronization. It's unheard of, as far as I'm aware, but
hardly impossible."

Suddenly, the door to the café was blown inwards, and the customers
began screaming and panicking, as customers do tend to do when they
are unaccustomed to such uncustomary circumstances.

A sinister figure with a villainous moustache strode imperiously into
the internet café, he overalls splattered with blood. But not lots of
blood, not, like, a sickeningly large amount or anything. Just like
he'd cut his finger and wiped the blood off onto them. Well, as if
he'd cut his finger and wiped the blood off onto them every day for a
month. But still not an overly large amount.

"Net.heroes!" the man announced as the civilians fled out the door
behind him, leaving him relatively alone with Team Q. "I have come to
end your futile attempts at being heroic, due to it annoying me! I
shall save the average working class man by the act of your deaths!
Then _I_ will be the hero! I am indestructible! I am immortal! I am...
Mundanio, the Master of Mundane Materials!"

Contempo Weapons Lad frowned. "No, look, sorry, I've already had that
title used to describe me."

"What? Mundanio?"

"No, no, the Master of Mundane Materials. That's me. Contempo Weapons
Lad."

"...who?"

"Surely you've heard of me. Contempo Weapons Lad? Of the Duo
Contempo?" Questionable Logic Man let out a small cough, and Contempo
Weapons Lad raised an eyebrow. "By which I _obviously_ mean Team Q.
Obviously."

"Oh. No, sorry. But regardless. _I_ am the Master of Mundane
Materials! I am Mundanio!"

Contempo Weapons Lad frowned. "Didn't you hear me before? I'm
_already_ the Master of Mundane Materials. You can't use that title,
that's copyright infringement."

Mundanio stuck his tongue out. "Oh, la dee dah! I must just be better
at using random items as weapons then you!"

CWLad swelled with indignation as he grabbed a wireless keyboard. "No
way! I'm the best there is at what I do!"

Mundanio held his hands out to the side, and telekinetically called
two flat-screen monitors to them. "Too bad what you do ain't being
creative."

"Where I come from, them be fightin' words...!"

"No," Mundanio hissed, "_these_ are fighting words!" And with that, he
lunged at Contempo Weapons Lad, bringing the monitors up as if to
squish our hero's head in between them.

CWLad reacted quickly, twirling his keyboard upwards and horizontal,
stopped the monitors from getting close enough. He then kicked the
villain in the stomach, sending him flying back. Grabbing a stapler
off of a nearby desk, he ran at his opponent.

Mundanio jumped up, grabbed a pen, and sent Contempo Weapons Lad
hurtling into a wall with his telekinesis.

Questionable Logic Man whispered hurriedly to Pow Bang Wham, "Anti-
CWLad, clearly. Not our fight. We should leave probably so that we,
y'know, don't upstage him."

Pow Bang Wham nodded in agreement, and Team Q snuck out of the café on
tippy-toes as CWLad jerked his head to the side, narrowly avoiding the
pen that was thrown at him. The pen imbedded itself three inches into
cement wall.

Mundanio stood in the centre of the room, mentally hurling items
everywhere. Contempo Weapons Lad ducked, dodged, and deflected every
single one. "Stop, stop!" he called. "Hold on a second! You're not
creative at all! You're just sort of throwing things everywhere. We
need a more creative environment."

The villain thought about this, then conceded a nod. "Fair enough.
Where would you suggest?"

"Well, there's a party store next door-"

Mundanio sent Contempo Weapons Lad into the opposite wall, and then
telekinetically broke down the wall that he had previously been up
against. Again, citizens screamed and panicked as the Masters of
Mundane Materials brought their fight into their presents. You may
think that I mean 'presence', but you forget; this is a party shop.

Their fight was quite literally in these people's presents.

Mundanio stabbed at Contempo Weapons Lads eye with a party hat, which
was blocked by a powerfully-extending party blower. Contempo Weapons
Lad made to gag and suffocate his opponent with a serviette, but this
was foiled by a roll of foil to his manhood. Mundanio grabbed the
advantage with novelty gorilla gloves, and Contempo Weapons Lad turned
the tables by beating him with a piñata.

Heh. See what I did there?

"Why are you so agro, anyway?" Contempo Weapons Lad asked as he shoved
sing-a-long candles up his enemy's nose.

"I was used to be just a regular, ordinary guy," recounted Mundanio as
he retaliated by flicking a rubber Hexadecimal Luthor mask at the
hero's face, "and then one day these stupid net.heroes -- yes, you,
Team Q! -- sent this weirdo parcel to Ame.rec.a. To the Legion of
Net.Heroes."

Contempo Weapons Lad paused in gathering gunpowder from cap guns.
"Wait. Team Q? Sending a parcel to the LNH?"

"That's what I said, isn't it?" Mundanio grabbed the gunpowder with
his mind-powers and threw them on top of a helium-filled balloon, the
string of which was just out of CWLad's reach. "Massive big thing. And
the LNH didn't like it."

"I knew that Quel was in league with the Legion! I knew that he didn't
genuinely care about Alt.stralia! That dirty Ame.rec.an rat!" The
balloon's string may have been out of reach for CWLad on his own, but
he grabbed a lighter from under the counter and lit it. The flame
began travelling up the string.

"Um. Yeah. Are... are you sure you should be lighting that on fire?"

Contempo Weapons Lad nodded, and threw another deflated balloon to his
adversary. "Yeah, yeah, totally. Blow that up, would ya?"

"The balloon?"

"Yeah." Contempo Weapons Lad peered under the counter again, as if
looking for something.

"Blow it up, you say?"

"Totally." Contempo Weapons Lad exited the shop, a look of vague
concern on his face.

"Uum, excuse me?" Mundanio took a step forward. "Hey! You can't just
leave!"

The flame reached the top of the string, melting through the thin
layer of rubber.

"Yeah I can," Contempo Weapons Lad yelled back. "Especially since I
know they fill their balloons with a much lighter gas known as
'hydrogen', not actually helium at all."

Mundanio's eyes widened, and he turned to the gun-powder coated
hydrogen-filled balloon. Just in time to get a gigantic fireball to
his face.

Contempo Weapons Lad, out in the street, chuckled quietly to himself
as the entire block behind him went up in a massive mushroom cloud.
"'Blow that up,' I said. Heh heh heh. Man, I am so cool..."

~ * ~

Later, in QHQ, Questionable Logic Man disputed that statement.

"So roughly twenty-five, thirty different businesses are suing us for
excessive property damage and loss of background civilian life. Do you
have any idea how much this is going to cost us?"

"Yeah," Contempo Weapons Lad snarled back. "Nothing. And you know why?
'Coz we're net.heroes, and blowing stuff up is our job. Not only that,
but it's our solemn duty to society, yada yada. Now, let's cut to the
important stuff and find out about the supersteer, eh?"

"Actually," Metro Grill piped up, "Pow Bang and I did some lookin'
around while you guys were blowing stuff up and consorting with legal
agents. We already found one of the cows, who was more than happy to
come with us."

Contempo Weapons Lad's eyes lit up. "Really? Which one?"

Pow Bang Wham shrugged. "'Sif we can tell. But it was a cow
sadistically frying ants with its gosh darn laser eyes, so we figured
that it had to have some connection to you."

Questionable Logic Man's chest swelled with pride. He had taught them
so well.

"So where is it now?" CWLad was saying.

"We drugged it up on some fancy mushrooms and locked it in the
garage."

Contempo Weapons Lad raised an eyebrow but said nothing. While Azure
X, Flutterfly and Quel sat down to look at their legal options, he,
Pow Bang Wham and Metro Grill went out to the garage to check on the
suspected supersteer.

Pow Bang Wham heaved the garage door open with a breathless
"Screeeee!" of metal, and Metro Grill shot a small fireball at some
candles, illuminating the room. Contempo Weapons Lad stepped inside,
where he could see a clearly drugged steer stumbling about, its eyes
crossing, glowing red, and lolling about uselessly.

"Thatswhereiputthebluddything!"

"No," Metro Grill corrected, "that's where _we_ put the bloody thing.
Is it one of yours or not?"

"Yes," Contempo Weapons Lad explained indifferently, "that's his name.
Thatswhereiputthebluddything."

Pow Bang Wham shrugged. "Whatever, kid. Do you reckon you can get the
location of the other two from this one?"

Contempo Weapons Lad, who had begun patting
Thatswhereiputthebluddything's head affectionately, paused to stroke
his chin. "Hrm. I don't know. Maybe. He seemed to find us here well
enough, despite last being seen falling hundreds of kilometres to the
ground from the back of a flailing Turtle of Apocalyptic Proportions.
Eureka and Foundim could do just as well from Syd.net."

"Says you!" snarled a voice. The three net.heroes turned around to
face Mundanio.

"So _predictable_," hissed CWLad. "How often does that happen in this
series? Freakin' hell."

"It would make sense," Mundanio carolled, "if I were somehow drawn to
narrative improbability and dramatisation, wouldn't it?"

"How did you even survive that hydrogen bomb?"

"I know how it all works now," the villain continued, oblivious to the
hero's' nonchalance. "I was chosen for a reason. For a cause! And now
fate has lead me here, so that I may acquire the final bovine...!"

Contempo Weapons Lad looked at Mundanio, concerned. "Wait. The final
bovine? You mean you know where Eureka and Foundim are?"

"More importantly than that," Mundanio gloated, "I know where they
_were_."

"I totally fail to see how that's more important," Metro Grill yawned.

"Imagine," continued the indifferent Mundanio, "that one day you're a
normal postal master, working away at your mastery of the post. Then
destiny points out to you that your life sucks, and you know why it
sucks? Because of _you_! Because of net.heroes! And just when it's
time to end it all, two supersteer walk through the door-"

Contempo Weapons Lad clicked his fingers. "Aha! I get it now!"

Everyone turned to face him.

"As in, I mean that I understand that this anecdote actually has some
relevancy. Not that I get where he's going with it. At all. But I
thought that he was just being annoying and stealing lines of dialogue
that I, as the main character, clearly should have had instead. But
anyway. Continue on with your evil, psychotic rambling."

"Right. Okay. Where was I?"

"The two supersteer had just walked through the door."

"Right, right. And just when it's time to end it all, two supersteer
walk through the door, their eyes glowing heinously. You think that
they're here to deliver you to Death's final embrace and then... zap!
They fry each other, and slump to the ground as two giant supersteak!"

"Wait - what?!" Contempo Weapons Lad's eyes bulged out of his skull.
"Are you saying that you _ate_ my supersteer?!"

"Indeed!" crowed Mundanio. "And now, with their powers combined, I am
Captain Pla-! Oh, wait, no, no I'm not, sorry. I am Mundanio, Master
of Mundane Materials!"

"You bluddy bugger!" spluttered Contempo Weapons Lad. "You ate my
bluddy cows!!"

Standing off to the side and checking his nails, Metro Grill muttered,
"I don't see what the big deal is. You were planning to eat them
yourself, anyway."

Contempo Weapons Lad shot him a dirty look, and then turned to face
his nemesis. "This is it, Mundanio. This is where I draw the line. You
steal my title, well, whatever. You survive my H-bomb, and y'know,
fair enough, I guess. But eating my steer? No one -- NO ONE -- eats my
steer without my express consent. No one. Not Questionable Logic Man,
not Aunt Boris, not Obsessive-Compulsive Boy and definitely not you!
"Tomorrow at dawn," he spat, "there shall be pistols."

"Pistols? That's not creative at all!"

Contempo Weapons Lad made hushing motions with his hands. "No, no! Not
pistols! 'pistols', you know?" He made an exaggerated gesture which
suggested a nuclear explosion. "'Pistols' at dawn, yeah?"

"Oh! Right!" Mundanio tapped his nose. "'Pistols'. Gotcha."

Contempo Weapons Lads eyes narrowed and he grinned slyly.

He knew exactly where to get his perfect 'pistol'.

~ * ~

"Quel, I need your... assistance."

Questionable Logic Man looked up at the younger net.hero, who was
indeed Contempo Weapons Lad, and who was also indeed addressing him.
"Ah, Contempo Weapons Lad! We need to have a chat, yes, sit down."

"Listen, it needs to wait, Mundanio paid us a visit-"

"Please don't tell me that you blew something else up."

"No, not yet, but I need you to-"

"Contempo Weapons Lad, your silly little net.heroics need to wait for
a second. It's high time we had a boring, politically-aware moment.
We've recei-"

"No, stop -- what did you just say?" CWLad looked at his leader
suspiciously. "'Silly little net.heroics'? Quel, you're the one who
advocates all that nuttiness!"

"Pish," denied Questionable Logic Man as he looked around
uncomfortably, "posh. Anyway, we got an offer from ALBION.heroes, who
are handling the whole hydrogen-bomb fiasco, and they said that they
could give us a full pardon if we were to... leave."

"Yeah, cool, but- wait... _leave_?"

Questionable Logic Man shifted uncomfortably. "Well, it seems that
many in the higher government feel that the destruction of Syd.net,
Alt.elaide, and the dust storm that destroyed Alt.ice Springs after
the Turtle of Apocalyptic Proportions crashed into the near-ish by
desert are all kind of our fault, and they want us... out of the
country."

"Out of the country?!" shrieked Contempo Weapons Lad. "What?! Where
would we go?! What would we do?! Everything I've fought for," he
raged, "everything I've done, everything that I saw the Pelican and
Aunt Boris and that crazy Spandex Guy and even Fish Goober Guy die
for, it was all for Alt.stralia! And now they want us gone?"

"In short," Questionable Logic Man concluded with a curt nod, "yes.
We've been considering where to go, and we finally decided-"

"Hang on, if it's a 'full pardon', why do we have to leave?"

Questionable Logic Man paused. "Actually, that hadn't occurred to me,
to be honest. Maybe the more correct term would be 'full-ish pardon'.
I'll get Azure X to ring them."

"Why Azure? She has no mouth, she can't use the phone!"

"Good point. I'll get Flutterfly to-"

"Flutterfly has no hands! How's she meant to hold it?"

Finally, Questionable Logic Man seemed to crack. "I don't know, okay?!
I don't know!! You and your stupid stupidy stupid 'real' logic, why do
you have to ruin everything I've worked for?! Everything I made?!"

Taken aback by this outburst, Contempo Weapons Lad took a step back.
Thus was he literally taken aback. "Uuh... Questionable Logic Man...?"

"Seriously, before you and your stupid crazy little crazy friend guy
crazy came along, everything was perfect -- perfect! And then people
start dying left, right and centre, and it's like, it's like, 'what?'
because people don't just start dying for no reason!! There's, there's
a reason, and logic, logic like, 'where ever Contempo Weapons Lad
goes, people just die'!"

Contempo Weapons Lad blinked as he realised what Questionable Logic
Man had just said.

Questionable Logic Man blinked as he began to realise what
Questionable Logic Man had just said.

Questionable Logic Man died before he had a chance to fully consider
the dramatic implications of making such a broad statement with powers
such as his own.

"Oh... oh dear. Questionable Logic Man?" Contempo Weapons Lad knelt down
next to his previous boss and started beating Quel's chest furiously
in an attempt to get his heart started again. "Questionable Logic Man!
Damn it, Questionable Logic Man, get up!" He smashed his chest again.
"Get _up_!" Contempo Weapons Lad's fist went through Questionable
Logic Man's chest cavity, shattering his ribs into his silent heart.

Flutterfly drifted into the room. "Well, hey g- uurgh!"

"Flutterfly! No!" Contempo Weapons Lad looked on in horror as
Flutterfly's wing brushed against the doorway, sending her spiralling
down towards the ground. She landed headfirst with enough force to
smash her skull and send her brains all over the room.

Contempo Weapons Lad looked back down at Quel with tears in his eyes.
"Damn it, Questionable Logic Man, why?! Why all of this senseless
violence?!"

Pow Bang Wham popped his head into view of the window outside. "Did
somebody say 'senseless violence'?"

Metro Grill came up next to him. "Sounds like a partay!"

Suddenly, the Grill's pink flames flared up unexpectedly, catching Pow
Bang Wham completely unaware. Pow Bang Wham began to scream and flail
wildly, his fist catching on Metro Grill's jaw and sending him through
the window to land as a wall-wide blood splatter behind Contempo
Weapons Lad.

"Pow Bang Wham!" gasped CWLad as he dived out the window in a
desperate bid to save his teammate. But it was too late. Pow Bang Wham
was panicking, rolling on Questionable Logic Man's tidy plastic-
flamingo-free lawn in an attempt to put out the flames. The grass
caught on fire as if it were coated in something incredibly flammable
-- like, say, hydrogen, though that's just an example -- closely
followed by the house.

With incredible speed, Pow Bang Wham shrivelled up into a pile of
ashes.

Azure X ran out of the house, wide-eyed at the flames. "Azure X!
Run!!" Contempo Weapons Lad begged of her.

A mouth spurted on her blue features. "Don't worry, CW. I think I can
put out a little fire."

Without warning (except for the Doomsday flames, of course) QHQ
exploded into a giant fireball, throwing the two remaining net.heroes
against the building on the opposite side of the street.

Contempo Weapons Lad slumped to the ground, and then pulled himself to
his feet, looking around desperately for Azure X. When he found her,
he could not help but place his hands on his head in an exaggerated
gesture of confusion. "Who builds a house with five-foot bladed
protrusions sticking out of the wall?!"

Leaving the corpse of Azure X behind him, he ran into the blazing
inferno that was QHQ, realising what had to be done.

There was only one person who could possibly fix this horrible,
horrible mistake. And that person was lying dead in the burning
remnants of his home. Fittingly, Contempo Weapons Lad carried
Questionable Logic Man's body fireman-style out of the flaming ruin,
and began trekking up Quaerere Lane.

As loathsome as the idea seemed, Contempo Weapons Lad needed someone
who could revive Questionable Logic Man first. And someone who could
withstand death itself so as to obtain said help.

Team Q wasn't an option.

ALBION.heroes weren't worth mentioning.

And so, with a heavy heart, Contempo Weapons Lad turned to the LNH.

----------

Stay tuned for the next instalment of ALT.STRALIAN YARNS,
"PISTOLS AT DAWN"
For the relatively exciting conclusion to the Q storyline!!