[LNH/ACRA] Untold Tales of the Looniverse #3

[Martin Phipps]

             Politically Correct Space Wars

              Episode I: The Fandom Menace

                          The
                        day came
                     when the queen
                    of Noclue had to
                  consider a free trade
                pact with the Federation.

  "She shouldn't do it?" PC Wan said.
  "Why not?" his mentor, Queerdi asked.
  "Free trade is bad for farmers and workers."
  "How do you know?"
  PC Wan rolled his eyes.  "It just is."
  Queerdi shrugged his shoulders.  "Okay, I'm
convinced.  So what do we do?"
  "We need to go speak to the Senate and ask for their
help in getting the Federation off our backs."
  "Okay," Queerdi said.  "Let's go."

But...

  "How can we be out of fuel?" Queerdi asked.
  PC Wan cringed.  "It's not my fault!  The
interplanetary corporations control the prices of
dilithium crystals.  They also prevent spaceship
manufacturers from making more fuel efficient space
ships."
  Queerdi sighed.  "Okay.  We'll have to her down over
there on planet Bodyartooine."

Our heroes found the fuel they needed but then
noticed...

  "That boy and his mother appear to be servants of
that exoskeletoned person," PC Wan said.
  "Excuse me.  What?" Queerdi asked.
  "They appear to be slaves owned by that guy who
looks like an insect."
  "Okay.  So?"
  "So slavery is wrong."
  "What do you suggest we do?  We're just here to
refuel our ship."
  "We should do _something_."
  "We are not to interfere with the local customs."
  "At least we could take the boy with us.  Train him
as a Straidi."
  "Absolutely not."
  "Why not?  Children from underdeveloped planets are
entitled to the same opportunities as people from more
priveledged planets."
  "No!"
  "What if this was meant to happen?  Us running out
of fuel and coming to this planet so we could give
this biy a better life?"
  "Meant to happen?"
  "Meant to happen."
  Queerdi thought for a moment.  "Could it be...?"  He
approached the woman in question.  "Excuse me, I am
Queerdi of the Straidi and this is my student, PC
Wan."
  "Queerdi of the Straidi?"
  "Yes."
  "What do you want?"
  "I was just wondering: does this boy have a father?"
  "No."
  "How can that be?  You have no husband?  You had no
boyfriend?"
  "I had friends who were male, yes," she explained,
"but I never had sex with them."
  "By which you mean you never went all the way?"
  "I mean I would go drinking with them and they would
take turns taking me home but I would just go to sleep
and in the morning my friend would be gone."
  "I see."  He turned to PC Wan.  "It is the
prophesy!"
  "The prophesy?"
  "It is said that there would be a boy who would grow
to become a great and powerful Straidi and that he
would be born from a woman who was an ignorant slut."

They brought the boy, Anarchin, to the Straidi
Council...

  "Mommy!" Anarchin shouted.  "I want my mommy!  Give
me my mommy!"
  "Great anger and fear I sense in him," Hooha said.
  "No shit," Queerdi muttered.
  "What suggest you with this boy do we do?"
  "What?"
  "With this boy what you suggest do we do?"
  "For God's sake, Hooha, speak proper English!"
  "What do you suggest we do with this boy?"
  "Oh.  I plan to take him on as an apprentice."
  "Apprentice already you have, Queerdi.  Two you
cannot have."
  "Well that's it then.  We'll send him back to
Bodyartooine."
  "Wait!"  PC Wan whispered to Queerdi.  "Tell him I
am ready to have an apprentice of my own!"
  "But you're not."
  "Tell them I am!  You can continue to train me and I
can train Anarchin myself when I am ready."
  "Well, that sounds okay.  I mean, as long as I don't
get killed and you, an inexperienced novice, don't end
up training Anarchin yourself."
  "Don't worry, Queerdi!  Nothing is going to happen
to you!"

But...

  "Queerdu dead," Anarchin said.
  "Yes," PC Wan said sadly.  "He was killed by a Shit
Lord.  But don't worry Anarchin!  I will take care of
you and train you in the ways of the Straidi."
  Anarchin started crying.  "I want my mommy!"

             Episode II: Revenge is the Shit

                        Years
                     have passed 
                   and now Anarchin
                 is a young teenager.

  "Queen Aimaslutta!  For what do we have the honour
of your visit to our apartment?" PC Wan asked.
  "Oh!  I was visiting Anarchin."
  "Yes, Anarchin.  He's grown so much, hasn't he?"
  "Yes," Queen Aimaslutta said.  "He's so... big now."
  PC Wan smiled.  "And he has so much energy!"
  "Indeed!"  Her eyes widenned.  "His stamina is
incredible!"
  PC Wan looked around.  "Where is he?"
  "He's in bed," Queen Aimaslutta explained.  "I just
came from there.  I... tucked him in."
  "How kind of you!"
  "I really must be going!"
  "Of course!"

Later...

  "We need to find the Shit Lord who killed Queerdi
and get our revenge!" Anarchin said.
  "You must control your anger," PC Wan said.
  "You said the same thing about love," Anarchin
pointed out.
  PC Wan nodded.  "Anger, hatred, love, all your
emotions must be kept under control if you are to
beome a Straidi."
  "That's fine for you, PC Wan," Anarchin said, "but
I've hit puberty now and I'm experiencing new
feelings."
  PC Wan nodded.  "Then it's time for another
session."
  "Of training?" Anarchin asked.
  "No," PC Wan said, "of electroshock therapy."

Several months later, in the Chancellor's office...

  "PC Wan is holding me back!" Anarchin complained. 
"I could be a great Straidi!  Perhaps the best!"
  The Chancellor shook his head.  "There is greater
power to be had than being a Straidi."
  "Explain."
  "Instead of controling your emotions, you should
embrace your emotions, channel them and use them
against those like PC Wan who would seek to contain
you."
  Anarchin's eyes widenned.  "You are the Shit Lord
we've been looking for!"
  "So what if I am?  You know my words are true!"
  "You are asking me to turn my back on the Straidi!"
  "The Straidi philosophy is inherently wrong!  How
free are we if we are not free to feel as we want to
feel?"
  Anarchin nodded.  "What would you have me do, my
master?"
  The chancellor smiled.

Later...

  "Queen Aimaslutta, I am looking for Anarchin."
  "Why?  Is something wrong?"
  "You could say that," PC Wan said.  "He's turned his
back on his teachings."
  "Oh my."
  "He's become a Shit Lord."
  "That doesn't sound good."
  "He's attacked his fellow Straidis."
  "Oh no!"
  "He might even be thinking of voting Republican."
  "Oh God!"
  "I must find him.  Have you seen him?"
  "Off and on," she admitted.
  PC Wan looked at her stomach.  "Anarchin is the
baby's father, isn't he?"
  "Oh, finally!  I've been keeping the secret for so
long!  I mean, with the age difference and all."
  "Right," PC Wan said.  "So do you have any idea
where he might have gone?"

And so...

  "It's over, Anarchin," PC Wan said.
  "Over for the Straidi," Anarchin said, "but not for
me."
  "Why?" PC Wan asked.  "Why did you turn?"
  Anarchin sighed.  "The Straidi are all about
order... but order means control.  Only through
anarchy do we have freedom."
  "You're mad!"
  "I'm not mad.  I'm just pissed!"
  Anarchin and PC Wan fought with laser swords.
  "You were the chosen one!" PC Wan screamed.
  "You know I am right!"
  "I'm sorry, Anarchin."
  "For what?"
  "For what I am about to do."  PC Wan cut off
Anarchin's arms and legs and let him drop to the
ground.
  "I loved you, Anarchin.  As a friend, I mean.  Not
that there's anything wrong with that, with what those
people do, I mean."  PC Wan sighed.  "I can't bear to
see you die."
  "Then you are going to save me?" Anarchin asked
hopefully.
  "No, I'm going to leave," PC Wan said and walked
away.
  "Asshole!"

But instead of dying, Anarchin was rescued by the
Chancellor...

  "Anarchin Skycrawler is dead," the Chancellor said. 
"Today you are reborn as Seriously Pissed Off Guy!"
  Anarchin was given new arms and legs and a
containment suit that kept him alive.  "Huuhh  huuhh 
huuhh," he said.

Meanwhile, Aimaslutta gave birth to twins, a boy and a
girl.  Everything seemed okay until...

  "She's dead," the doctor said.
  "Dead?" PC Wan asked.  "How can that be?"
  "She lost the will to live?"
  "Because of Anarchin?"
  "Not exactly," the doctor said.  "She kept crying
and saying 'I'll never get my figure back to the way
it was after having twins'."

                    TO BE CONTINUED

Martin


 
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