LNH: An Important Public Service Announcement!

[Arthur Spitzer]

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming for...

An Important Public Service Announcement!

    *******

Billy looked into the palm of his hand and then closed it.  A burst of 
light shimmered through the crevices of his fist.  And then the masked 
six-year old, wearing a red towel for a cape, opened it up and out flew 
58 butterflies.  Each a different color of the rainbow.  And as they 
fluttered around him, Billy smiled to himself.

"Gosh Gollickers!!  I'm gonna use my power all over the world and fill 
it full of pretty butterflies!!  And everyone will be happy!!"

"Whoahh, there sport!" boomed a voice from the sky.  Billy looked up and 
saw the metallic golden armored superhero Irony Man floating down 
accompanied by some military men with guns.  "I think you're forgetting 
something!"

"Wow!  Irony Man!!  Forgetting what?!"

"That using super powers if you aren't registered with the LNH is a 
crime!  Punishable with hard time in jail.  And jail for your parents if 
they haven't gotten you registered within a month of finding out you 
have powers."

"Gosh, Irony Man!  Why is it a crime to make harmless butterflies?"

"Well, sure -- they're not dangerous now.  But.  Will they always be 
harmless?  Who can predict the future?  Can you Billy?  There could come 
a time when they stop being harmless and become -- Become killers!! 
Yes, Billy.  These peace loving butterflies could in a short time become 
crazed serial killing rapist satanic worshipping butterflies!!  Bent on 
destroying America and all it stands for!!  Killing your friends and 
family and harvesting their organs to support their drug and 
prostitution addictions!!!  Yes, Billy!  Can you say with any certainty 
that none of this will come to pass??  And if it does, the blood will be 
on your hands Billy!!  Yes, Billy!  Can you live with being a mass 
murder?  Can you live with being the next Hitler?! Can you?"

Billy's eyes started to well up.  "I -- I -- No!  I d-don't wanna be the 
next Hitler!!  Please!!"

"Of course not.  And you don't have to be.  Not anymore.  You just need 
to get your parents to drive you to the nearest LNH registration office. 
  Or call this number below the screen -- 1-800-LNH-RGSR -- and we'll 
send some people to pick you up!  And then you'll be on your way to 
learning everything you need to know about how to control your powers! 
And that's not all!  You'll also be sent to a cool camp with other 
superkids like yourself where you'll learn all kinds of cool stuff about 
being a superhero, which will be just like summer camp except for the 
whole no arts and crafts -- and guards shooting electric nets at you if 
you try to escape.  But fun!!  Lots of fun!!"

"Wow!  That sounds awesome!"

"But that's not all!  If you get registered now -- you'll also get this 
way-cool 'LNH Registration Rocks!' T-shirt, a bitchin' LNH registration 
beanie cap with propeller, an autographed poster of yours truly that you 
can hang above your bed, and a chip that will be installed in your 
brain!!  Although you'll have to act quickly because we have limited 
supplies of these items (except for the brain chips, which we have 
plenty of)."

"Wow!  My own brain chip!  I always wanted one!"

"Doesn't everyone?"

"Thanks, Irony Man!  I'm gonna go and tell my parents to register me 
right now!"

"Good idea, Billy!  And the rest of you superkids out there?  Remember. 
  It's not just a good idea.  It's the law!  You don't want your parents 
or pets going to jail -- Do you?  Do you?!  I'll be watching."

For more information about this call this number.

1-800-LNH-RGSR

And now we return you back to your regularly scheduled programming...

The High Fructose Corn Syrup Trans-Fat Guzzling Happy Fun Hour!!!!!

    *******

Credits:

Irony Man is Doug Moran's

Arthur "The Beige Countdown Begins!" Spitzer