LNH: LNH Comics Presents #55: Infinite Leadership Crisis Episode 20

[Martin Phipps]

              INFINITE LEADERSHIP CRISIS

                      EPISODE 20

  "You're late," wReamHack said.
  Procrastination Boy shrugged his shoulders.  "I had
something to do."  He looked around the room and saw
the entire legion -or rather all those who were left
after three weeks of choosing new leaders and having
them disappear at midnight- almost the entire legion
was there.  "Did Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats Lad do his
thing?"
  "Yeah."
  "So who's the leader?"  A sudden feeling of dread
came over Procrastination Boy.  "It isn't me, is it?"
  "No, it isn't you."
  "Then who?"
  "Linguist Lass."
  "Linguist Lass?  But all she can do is speak
different languages."
  "Not anymore," wReamHack explained.  "She now also
has the power to make anybody speak whatever language
she wants."
  "Really?"
  wReamHack nodded.  "Yep.  And she's trying out her
power on Innovative Offense Boy right now."
  
  "Wangba!  Hundan!  Chusi!  Hao ku!  Wo hui shuo
zhongguohua!"
  Linguist Lass smiled.  "That's right, Innovative
Offense Boy.  You can now swear in Chinese.  Anybody
else want to give it a try?"
  "Me!  Me!" said Bandwagon Chick.  "I want to speak
French!"
  "Go ahead."
  "Mais je ne peux pas parler francais!"
  "You just did."
  "Vraiment?"
  "Sure.  Listen to yourself.  Does it sound like
English?  Now, New Look Lass, what language would you
like to try?"
  "Italian," New Look Lass sais with a smile.
  "Go ahead."
  "Non conosco che cosa dire."
  "Say anything."
  "Qualche cosa."
  "Ha ha.  Very funny!"
  "Wait," Bad Timing Boy said.  "How is this
possible?"
  Linguist Lass thought for a moment.  "I guess I'm
acting as a universal translater: people here are
thinking in English and it comes out in any language I
choose."
  "But where did this new power come from?" he asked.
  "Oh," she said.  "wReamHack and I went to Jungle
Island and we found the rung of retcon and now I have
these new powers (in Episode 13).  Cool, huh?  Do you
want to try?"
  Bad-Timing Boy shrugged his shoulders.  "Sure."
  "What language?"
  "German."
  "Go ahead."
  "Bedeuten Sie mich können Deutsches jetzt sprechen?"
  "Absolutely."
  "Wie über Spanischen?"
  "Spanish?  Okay."
  "¿Usted malo sé hablar español también?"
  "You can speak any language I say you can speak." 
She turned and saw Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Lad.  "Hey,
Obxious Ame.rec.a Lad.  Want to try Russian?"
  "Absolutely not!"
  "Okay.  Greek?"
  "No!"
  "What then?"
  Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Lad was visably offended.  "I
only want to speak English."
  "Oh come on!  What's the fun in that?"
  Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Lad rolled his eyes.  "Where are
we?"
  "We're at LNH HQ.  In the Central Control Centre."
  "I mean what country is this?"
  "The Loonited States of Ame.rec.a.  Why?"
  Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Lad nodded.  "Right.  And in the
Loonited States we speak English.  Anybody coming here
had better learn to speak English."
  "And what if you go to another country?  Wouldn't
you need to know how to speak their language?"
  Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Lad just laughed.  "Why would I
want to go to another country?  I love my country?  If
you love your country you stay there and you only come
to my country if you love it and loving it means
speaking the language of the land!  English!"
  "Now hold on!" Browsing Boy said, coming to his
wife's defense.
  "It's okay."  Linguist Lass sighed.  "Okay.  It's
true.  I'm not Ame.rec.an.  I'm Dutch.  But I _do_
speak English.  Now tell what's the harm in learning
another language?"
  "There's no harm," Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy said.  "I
just don't want to.  English is the most commonly
spoken language in the world.  Why should I speak
another language when they can all just learn
English?"
  Linguist Lass just stood there for a minute with her
mouth hanging open, utterly appalled by what Obnoxious
Ame.rec.a Lad had just said.  Finally, she responded. 
"You know, I've been all over the world, not to every
country in the world maybe but most of them.  And
almost everywhere I went I met people who couldn't
speak English.  Do you know how good it feels to be
able to speak to people in their own language?  Do you
have any idea how good it feels to them to have them
know that a foreigner has respected them enough to
speak to them in their own language?  I have a gift
for languages: I pick them up right away.  Finally
I've found a way to share that gift with others.  I'm
so sorry you can't appreciate that."  She let out a
deep sigh.  "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll go sit in
my office over there.  There are probably some papers
I have to sign."  She walked right past Obnoxious
Ame.rec.a Boy without so much as looking at him.

  Later that evening, after Linguist Lass had
fulfilled all the duties that were expected of a
legion leader, she went up to her quarters to be with
her husband, Browsing Boy.
  "I'm so sorry about what happened this morning," he
said.
  "Why?  It wasn't your fault," she said.
  "No, maybe not, but we all feel responsible."
  She shrugged her shoulders.  "In a way, he's right. 
There are plenty of people who want to learn English. 
Why should I fight it?  Perhaps I should devote my
time to teaching people English."  She sighed and
shook her head.  "That's if I don't disappear tonight
never to return."  She cringed.  "It's not fair.  I
don't want it to end."
  Browsing Boy nodded.  "Kid Kirby, Gorilla Grad,
Squidman, Adamant Authority-on-Everything, Andy Best,
Squeaky Clean, Insomnia Boy, they're all working on
the problem.  They've even got me researching all the
books in the library, trying to find any mention of
anything like this ever happening before."
  "Still no luck?"
  Browsing Boy sighed.  "Don't give up.  They're
working day and night.  We've got hours until
midnight."
  "Hold me," she said.
  "Okay."
  "Don't let me go."
  "I promise."

  Linguist Lass and Browsing Boy went to bed.  As he
promised, he didn't let her go.  She feel asleep in
his arms.  Soon, he too feel asleep, his arms still
wrapped around his wife.

  Nevertheless, when he woke up later in the early
moring, she had disappeared.

                 TO BE CONTINUED

wReamHack is wReam's
Procrastination Boy is Jason Kanner's
Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats Lad is Authur Spitzer's
Bad-Timing Boy is Vernon H. Harmon's
Bandwagon Chick is Sue Clark's
New Look Lass is Charles Fitzgerald's
Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy is Jamas Enright's
Browsing Boy is Jeff Klein's
Linguist Lass is mine

Martin

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