LNH: LNH Comics Presents #39: INFINITE LEADERSHIP CRISIS Episode Four

[Martin Phipps]

            INFINITE LEADERSHIP CRISIS

                    EPISODE 4

April 4th, 2007

  "I should be LNH leader!" Adam Evers adamantly
insisted.  "I'm the qualified one!"  Various
legionaires laughed him off and shook their heads.
  "I'm not sure you even want the job," Doctor Stomper
said.
  "Oh?  And why is that?" the Authority-on-Everything
asked.
  Kid Recap spoke up.  "Because the last three people
who have been LNH leader - Fearless Leader, Irony Man
and Catalyst Lass - have all mysteriously
disappeared."
  "Thank you," Stomper said coldly.
  "No problem," Kid Recap said.  "See you tomorrow,"
he added before he left.
  "Sure," Stomper said, "if we can't wrap this up here
and now."
  "We need to find out what happened to them," Sister
State-the-Obvious said.
  "Has anybody considered the possibility that
Ultimate Ninja could be the one behind it?" Master
Blaster asked.
  "Now hold on!" Cheesecake Eater Lad said
indignantly, trying to support his friend and master.
  "Here me out!  I mean, if he gets rid of all the
would be leaders then it sort of cements his control
on the legion, doesn't it?  And he is a ninja - the
Ultimate Ninja in fact.  Who else could get in and out
of people's rooms and take them away without anybopdy
noticing."
  Doctor Stomper smiled and nodded.  "Theory Man
suggested that already."
  "And?"
  "His theories are always wrong.  Which makes him
very useful in cases like this because eliminating
possible theories saves us time and helps us narrow
down our investigation to those theories that actually
viable."
  "Couldn't we just not have a leader?" Cheesecake
Eater Lad asked.  "Then we don't have an obvious
target."
  Doctor Stomper pursed his lips.  "No.  We need a
leader."
  "But if nobody wants the job..."
  "I sure as hell don't want the job!" Sarcastic Lad
said.
  "Get me Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats Lad," Doctor Stomper
said.
  "So now we're looking for the most expendable
person?" Sarcastic Lad asked.
  "Not at all," Doctor Stomper said.  "It just occurs
to me that if nobody wants to be the leader now then
that will make the job of choosing the leader that
much harder.  wReamHack?"
  "Yeah?"
  "Write down the names of everybody here and put the
names in a hat."
  "We're going to have Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats Lad
choose the leader of the LNH?" Master Blaster asked.
  "You've got a better idea?" Doctor Stomper asked.
"Perhaps you'd like to volunteer for the job."
  "No," Master Blaster said.  "That's fine."
  Doctor Stomper nodded.  "Okay.  Everybody listen up.
 We're going to put all of your names in a hat and
have Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats Lad pull your name out of
a hat and whoever has their name called will be the
next LNH leader.  Is that okay with everybody?"
Every one there nodded in agreement.  "Is the hat
ready?"
  "Right here," wReamHack said.
  "That was fast."
  "We've got an author who doesn't stop to describe
the room.  Of course things happen quickly."
  "Fair enough.  Where's Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats Lad?"
  "I'm right here," he said stepping forward.
  "Okay," Stomper said.  "Last time.  Does everybody
agree with this?"  There were no desenters.  "Okay, P
POOHL, do your thing."
  Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats Lad reached into the hat and
pulled out a name.
  "Well?"
  "Coward Lad."
  "No!" Coward Lad said.  "I don't want to die."
  "We don't know for sure if anybody is dead," Doctor
Stomper assured him.
  "I don't want to disappear!  I'm too young to go!
What about Old Comics Man!  Make him leader!"
  "We all agreed..."
  "But...!"
  "It's okay!" Captain Continuity said.  "I'll do it.
I'll become leader."
  "Thank you!  Thank you so much!"
  "Hold on!" Doctor Stomper said.  "What does
everybody else say?  Who agrees to making Captain
Continuity Leader."  A clear majority of legionaires
present raised their hands.  "Okay.  You're it."
  "Congratulations, Chet!" Bad Timing Boy said.
  "Um, Brad," Bizarre Boy said, "Chet's making a
sacrafice here.  There's a good chance that he'll
disappear at midnight and we won't be able to find him
again.  This is not a time to celebrate!"
  "Oops," Brad said.  "My bad."
  "It's okay," Captain Continuity said.  "So, tell me,
Doc, how's the investigation coming along?"
  "Not too good," Doctor Stomper admitted.  "Even with
three abductions, we don't have enough evidence to
work with."
  "I say it was aliens," Adamant
Authority-on-Everything argued.
  Doctor Stomper rolled his eyes.  "Based on what?
Watching three seasons of the X-Files?"
  "They could have beamed them out!"
  "I stand corrected.  The theory wasn't based on the
X-Files: it was based on Star Trek."
  "Do you have a better theory?" AAoE asked.  "You're
Doctor Stomper!"
  "My theory is that somebody -or something - is
kidnapping our leaders every day at midnight.  And so
far that is all the evidence is telling us."
  Captain Continuity spoke up.  "I volunteer to be
placed under full surveillance.  I don't want to
disappear any more than any body else."
  "This is a very brave thing you are doing," Stomper
told him.
  "Hey.  I just want my teammates back.  So what do
you say about getting me wired up?"
  Doctor Stomper grimaced.  "I wish Kid Kirby were
here.  We could use some Kirbytech right now."
  "I think I can whip up a transmitter that's good
over a million miles," Contraption Man said.
  "Can you fit it in under my costume?" Captain
Continuity asked.  "It has to disappear with me."
  Contraption Man grimaced.  "The smaller it is the
shorter the range.  Maybe a few thousand miles."
  "That should be more than sufficient Doctor Stomper
said."
  Captain Continuity nodded.  "Alright then.  Let's
set it up."

Captain Continuity is Mystic Mongoose's
Fearless Leader is Dave Van Domelen's
Catalyst Lass is Elisabeth Riba's
Irony Man is Doug Moran's
Dr. Stomper is T. M. Neeck's
Adamant Authority on Everything, Sister State-the-Obvious, Theory Man
and wReamHack are all Raymond "wReam"
Bingham's
Sarcastic Lad is Gary St. Lawrence's
Cheesecake Eater Lad is M. Jotham Millheiser's
Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats Lad is Arthur Spitzer's
Bad-Timing Boy is Vernon H. Harmon's
Contraption Man is Jeff "Drizzt" Barnes's
Coward Lad is co-owned by Cory Smith & Tom Russell

Martin