LNH: Legion of Net.Heroes Vol 2 #20: Quit Cloning Around

Martin Phipps martinphipps2 at yahoo.com
Wed Oct 11 05:52:46 PDT 2006


             Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2

                   Quit Cloning Around

  "The Senate elections are coming up," Irony Man
said.
  "So they are," Doctor Stomper said.
  "We need to do something to campaign for the
Republicans."
  "What do you mean 'we'.  I plan to vote for the
Democratic Party."
  "Oh that's right."  There was a hint of disapproval
in Irony Man's voice.  "What about Kid Kirby?"
  "What about him?"
  "Is he a republican or a democrat?"
  "I think he considers himself above Earthy
politics."
  "Really?  That's too bad.  He'd be a great spokesman
for the republicans.  I mean people would regard him
as somebody impartial."
  "I hate to be semantic about this but, technically,
if Kid Kirby were to come out in favour of either
party then he would no longer be impartial."
  "True.  Say... have you even seen Kid Kirby lately?"
  "No.  I imagine he's off world busying himself with
some cosmic adventure."
  "No doubt.  Hmm.  I wonder."
  "What?"
  "If we were to clone Kid Kirby, would the clone have
all of Kid Kirby's powers?"
  "I imagine that he would have all of Kid Kirby's
strength but he wouldn't have any of Kid Kirby's
knowledge so he wouldn't be able to operate any of Kid
Kirby's Kirbytech."
  "No, I suppose not.  Although, for our purposes all
we would need is someone who looks like Kid Kirby."
  "What are you talking about?"
  "Okay, confession time: I saved a strand of hair
from way back when Kid Kirby first joined the LNH just
in case one day we had to clone him."
  "Clone him?  Why would we want to clone him?  And
how did you get a strand of his hair anyway?  He wears
a helmet."
  "Oh I have my ways," Irony Man said cryptically. 
"So what do you think?  Can we do it?"
  "I don't know.  Is it morally right to clone Kid
Kirby and then use him to support a cause he might not
necessarily agree with."
  "Who cares about whether it's morally right?  I'm
asking if we can do it."
  "Are you saying morality isn't even an issue?"
  "Okay so I'm an @$$hole.  Can we do it?"
  "I don't know.  Maybe."
  "Well then.  Consider it a challenge.  A scientific
endeavour.  You make the clone and I'll build a suit
of armour for him."
  "Hmm."

Weeks later...

  "Toony... meet Kid Kirby!"
  "Verily it is my hope that you will vote
republican!"
  "He's perfect!"

Still later, at an outdoor news conference...

  "We need to support the war in Iraq!" the Kid Kirby
clone proclaimed.  "Down with abortion and same sex
marriage!  Democrats will tax us to death!  We need to
do something about global warming!"
  "Global warming?"  Irony Man looked at Doctor
Stomper.  "You programmed him to speak out about
global warming?"
  "It's an important issue."
  "The Luthor administration is in favour of global
warming.  President Luthor wants to be able to go to
the beach on the weekends and still be in Washington
if there's an emergency."
  "Yeah, well, I'm sorry but my conscience couldn't
allow me to have him actually speak out in favour of
global warming."
  Irony Man was appalled.  "Vincent, if you're going
to be working with the republicans, you need to stop
listening to your conscience."

Then, suddenly...

  "What devilry is this?" the real Kid Kirby said as
he flew down from the sky.  "Is one of my Kirbybots? 
Why is he campaigning for the republican party?!"
  "Kid Kirby!" Irony Man said.  "Wow!  Are we glad to
see you!  We though you were dead?"
  "Dead?  In Kirby's name, why would you think that? 
I have been gone longer on similar quests!"
  "Yeah, okay, but this was an emergency.  Um.  You
see, the republicans are low in the polls and..."
  "How did you manage to reprogram one of my Kirbybots
to use as a campaign spokesman."
  "Actually, he's not a Kirbybot.  He's a clone."
  "A CLONE!  IN KIRBY'S NAME, WHAT HAVE YOU UNLEASED
UPON THE WORLD!"
  "Wow.  You make it sound as though we did something
wrong.  I mean, if one Kid Kirby is good then aren't
two better?"
  "YOU HAVE PLACED THE RAW POWER OF KID KIRBY IN A
SHELL WITHOUT A SOUL!"
  "Hey!  How do you know he has no soul!"
  "Because he's a republican."
  "Okay."
  "I MUST PUT AN END TO THIS!"  Kid Kirby addressed
his clone.  "YOU THERE!  IMPOSTER!  I ORDER YOU TO
CEASE AND DESIST!"
  "What?" the Kid Kirby clone asked.  "Perhaps you are
the imposter!  How do I know you aren't a Kirbybot!"
  "I AM THE ONE TRUE KID KIRBY AND YOU ARE THE
IMPOSTER!"
  "Prove it!  I challenge you to combat!  We shall see
who is the real Kid KIrby!"
  And so they started fighting.  Now, normally, Kid
Kirby would easily best his unskilled clone but he had
just returned from space and was tired.  Plus, the
armour designed and built by Irony Man for the Kid
Kirby clone was state of the art.
  "Oh my God!" Doctor Stomper said.  "The Kid Kirby
clone is going to kill Kid Kirby.  We should do
something."
  "Okay," Irony Man said.  He activated the loud
speaker on his hard suit.  "HEY!  GUYS!  THAT'S
ENOUGH!  STOP FIGHTING!"  But the two Kid Kirbies
continued fighting.  "Oh well.  I did all I could do."
  "Are you serious?" Doctor Stomper asked.  "If Kid
Kirby is killed then we'll be responsible."
  Iron Man rolled his eyes.  "Oh for heaven's sake!
There you go again listening to your conscience and
worrying about morality!"
  Fortunately, as it turned out, Doctor Stomper
needn't have worried, for although the real Kid Kirby
had been tired he possessed the strength will to come
out of the battle victorious.
  "VERILY!  I HAVE WON!" he declared.  "AND AS FOR
YOU...!" Kid Kirby said, pointing to Irony Man, "don't
ever do this again."
  "Okay," Irony Man said, "I promise... but, say, are
you going to be around in 2008?  Because the
republican campaign could really use your sup--"
  Before Irony Man could finish, Kid Kirby struck him
with a lightning bolt that overloaded his hard suit
and caused it to shut down, freezing him motionless
while he waited for it to reboot.
  "I'll take that as a 'no'," he said.

                       THE END

Irony Man created by Doug Moran
Doctor Stomper created by T M Neeck
Kid Kirby created by Jameel Al Khavitz

Martin

__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Tired of spam?  Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around 
http://mail.yahoo.com 



More information about the racc mailing list