[REPOST/LNH] Mutton Mania Parts 15-21

[Arthur Spitzer]

Date: 14 Feb 2000 04:20:18 -0000
From: "Martin Phipps" <phippsmartin at hotmail.com>
Subject: [LNH] Mutton Mania Parts 15-21
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative

PART FIFTEEN

Martin Phipps (phippsmartin at hotmail.com)

Deja Sheep's cosmic senses had told him everything that was going on at LNH
HQ.  You didn't know Deja Dude had cosmic senses?  Well, even if he didn't,
so many comic book characters had cosmic senses that he could just imitate
one that did.  So there!

Anyway, his senses told him that his friends, his supposed friends mind you,
were too busy arguing amongst themselves to come get him.  Do they follow
the copper trail or do they explore the astral plane?  Do they walk into a
possible trap or do they safely hang out in LNH HQ?  First they leave LNH HQ
and get half way to the warehouse district, then they are back at LNH HQ
making preparations.  It was frustrating!

Deja Sheep then realised that he should be able to teleport away.  So many
comic book characters teleport and, thus, so could he.  He'd still be a
sheep but he wouldn't have to worry about what Sheepshagger might do to him.
  He gave it a try.

Nothing happened.  His mental powers worked but not his physical powers.  It
was as if his mind had been transferred into the body of a sheep.

That was it!  The Sheepshagger must have switched his mind with that of a
sheep!  His real body had to be lying naked in a field somewhere, unable to
express even the most rudiamentary thought.  This alone was small comfort
but, having realised this, he might yet be able to find a way to defeat the
Sheepshagger all by himself!

Yes, the Sheepshagger: he'd just finished giving Deja Sheep a bath but was
called away before he could... do the deed.  Deja Sheep trembled with fear
as he heard Sheepshagger return.

"Ah'm afraid ye'll haf ta wait, dearie.  Y'friends are on their way."

Finally.

"They're walkin' right inta my trap!  Ah'll turn'em all inta sheep and them
they'll have to give me what I want!"

Deja Sheep tried to make sense of what the Sheepshagger had said.  (It was a
very thick Scottish accent.)  If Deja Sheep was right, the Sheepshagger
didn't _literally_ turn people into sheep, just switched their bodies with
sheep, leaving their minds where they were.

Could it be that the Sheepshagger himself didn't know this?  It made sense:
he didn't seem smart enough to invent the SHAG gun by himself. So who did?

Deja Sheep considered all the LNH's major villains.  Unfortunately, he'd
been "dead" for a few years and wasn't familiar with the current lineup.  He
did remember one likely villain, however: King Konquerer. He was both
malevalent enough and resourceful enough to have developed the SHAG gun...
and he was from Net.Zealand!  It made sense: King Konquerer would get the
Sheepshagger to "turn the LNH into sheep" but, in reality, the LNH would
actually be helpless in the clutches of King Konquerer!  It was diabolical!

The only thing left for Deja Sheep to do would be to try to switch his mind
back to his true body which, presumably, was in Net.Zealand.  He should be
able to do this: it was simple mind transference after all, nothing that
hadn't been done before.  Once he was back in his own body, he would leave
this cascade story once and for all and get back to work.

He started to concentrate.

PART SIXTEEN

uplink <uplink989 at hotmail.com>

Outside the hideout, the assembled heroes crept quietly, trying to remain
unnoticed.

Ultimate Ninja, of course, did it the best.  Personally, he marvelled that
his ninja abilities seemed to be at their peak, rather than having lost them
as his Sensei had told him would happen.  Little did he know that after he'd
tripped over the wire, Opinionated Lad had formed the Opinion that Ultimate
Ninja should have been the stealthiest one of the whole crew.  With the
power of an offhand Opinion, Ultimate Ninja's powers had been restored.

Opinionated Lad wasn't any slouch either.  Usually bold and brassy, he'd
taken the time to reverse his dark coat into a black trenchcoat and fedora,
with a black scarf over his face -- rather like The Shadow, in fact.
(Opinionated Lad always felt that Lamont Cranston was a stylish dresser and
in stealth missions like these it was best to mimic the masters.  Although
he had no power to make himself invisible to the eyes of mortal men.)

The Gaffer wasn't doing bad either.  An unknown facet of his powers was,
when he was truly, desperately needed, if he didn't want to be found, then
no one could find him.

And of course, there was Invisible-Intangible-Inaudible Lass, but that was
the whole of her existence.  One of these days, the author wrote, I'm going
to have to write a story where she becomes Visible-Tangible-Audible Lass and
gains whole new powers.  After all, the author further mused, it wouldn't do
to have yet another Netlurker wandering about the Looniverse.

The rest of the band of intrepid heroes sneaked quietly along.  Well, that
was a misnomer.  Easily-Discovered Man had been purposefully misled into
believing that the heroes were going to leave 10 minutes later, so the bold
hero didn't interrupt their stealthy approach.  Steak-And-Potatoes Man, a
bit miffed that people kept forgetting the hyphens in his name, had
volunteered to stay behind at LNH HQ and keep watch over the flock of sheep
until Bo Peep arrived.  Onion Lad, however, strayed behind with Curly, Fred,
and Captain Cleanup, a small bunch of heroes who thought they were the main
body.  Actually, Opinionated Lad felt they were the decoys to distract the
Sheepshagger from realizing that UN, Gaffer, and himself were the real
attack.  Occultism Kid also walked along with the main group, his mystic
powers keeping him from real notice, while he kept an eye on the rest of the
group.

Trailing the crew was The Indie, who made sure he could see everybody in his
field of vision, except for the Gaffer, of course, who he couldn't find, and
Ultimate Ninja, who was just too darn good to be spotted.  And of course,
I-I-I Lass.  With him was Easily-Discovered Man Lite, still wondering if he
could talk The Indie into joining up with him to film Mr. Paprika
commercials.

Foreshadowing suddenly occurred, and a future plot was spawned. Heh heh heh,
thought the author maniacally.

And following even these two, at a safe distance, was the previously
disappeared Tsar Chasm, who'd only gone to the bathroom when Opinionated Lad
had Opined him away.  He was in fact curious to see how this would all end
up.

Back at the front, the three scouts stopped at the entrance to the villain's
hideout.

"Aha!  A Motel 6!"  Ultimate Ninja hissed.  "This guy really IS cheap."

"Like I said before," remarked Opinionated Lad.  "I really don't think this
guy would stay at the Berkshire.  And renting an actual villain hideout
would be even more money to spend."

"So, do you think it's trapped?"  Ultimate Ninja stepped onto the front
step, when the SHeep Actualization Grenade went off, causing energy to
cascade wildly around the heroes.

"Reet then, tha's got 'em!!"  The Sheepshagger burst from the door of the
boarding house, gleeful that his little trap had captured some of the heroes
in its jaws.  "Now, me pratties, yuir all goin' ta me room, an' weel hev'
erselvz' a pahrty reet Scottish stall!"  It seemed that with each succeeding
part of the cascade story, the Shagger's accent got worse and worse.  "Ez
suin ez this bleedin' smoke clerz, A'll gether yez oop and take yez to..."
he stopped, looking at the figures emerging from the smoke.

Opinionated Lad, thanks to his timely formed Opinion, had not turned into a
sheep, although Ultimate Sheep and Gaffer Sheep stood mutely by.  "Looking
for someone?"  asked Opinionated Lad.

"Ach! Ye shuid be a bleedin' beestie!  Will, A'll git ye wit' me gun!"
Sheepshagger reached for his weapon, but Opinionated Lad reached for him
first.

"You're not going anywhere," stated The Opinionated One, who slammed his
fist clean across the face of Sheepshagger in a picture-perfect right cross.
Sheepshagger stumbled blindly over Gaffer Sheep who'd moved right behind the
nefarious villain, waiting for Opinionated Lad's attack.  He sprawled
helplessly on the ground while Ultimate Sheep dragged the SHeep
Actualization Gun away with his teeth.

"Yew... yew... yew hit me!"  The Sheepshagger looked up at Opinionated Lad
with incredulity in his eyes.  "Yuir a cosmic'ly puwr'd hero!  Yuir
suppoosed ta use yer powers again' me!"

"What?  And give you a chance to USE that thing?  I work out for a reason,
jerk."  Opinionated Lad saw the rest of the LNH'ers arrive.  "You're
through, buddy.  Now where's Deja Sheep?"

"Hahahaha!  A'll nivir till yew," gloated the villain.

"I think you will," said Opinionated Lad.  Catching Gaffer Sheep's eye, he
motioned for the former Lighting Technician to approach.  "We have ways of
making you talk."

"Nivir!  No bad moovie lines r' goin' ta make me talk!"

"Gaffer, crap on his face."

"HEY!  HEY!  WHOA!"  Occultism Kid seemed to be morally upset.  "This isn't
an Acraphobe, you know!  We can't have stuff like that happening here!"

"You're right, Occultism Kid.  Damn, I hate it when that happens."
Opinionated Lad thought, then brightened.  "I know!  Easily-Discovered Man
Lite!  Go to LNH HQ and get Steak-And-Potatoes Man!  We'll do something that
will make this guy cooperate."

"Do yuir worst," said the villain, who still couldn't get up because
Opinionated Lad had his foot on the villain's chest.  "A'm a man, A can
stand inny amount o' payne."

"Tell him to bring the deep fryer.  We'll force-feed this guy fish and chips
until he talks."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"  Sheepshagger started struggling, but the muscular
might of the Opinionated One kept the puny perpetrator pinned.  "Not ENGLISH
FOOD!  I'll talk!  I'll talk!"

"Hi guys!"  aLLiterative Lass said.  "I just got here.  What's going on?"

"Where is he, Shagger?  Talk, or we give you... Steak and Kidney Pie!"

"Argh!  He's upstairs!"

"Indie, go get him."

"That's _THE_ Indie!"

"I do NOT have the time, the energy or the inclination to follow your stupid
ideas on how you should be called!"  Opinionated Lad burst out.  "Having to
call you 'The Indie' when I am speaking in second-person tone is REALLY
dumb, and it's my Opinion that I, at least, shouldn't have to do it!!"

"Okay,"  said The Indie, "you can call me Indie, BUT NO ONE ELSE!  Everybody
else, it's _THE_ Indie!"

"That's better.  Now, go and get Deja Sheep."

"Never mind, guys."  Onion Lad spoke up.  "I already went upstairs while you
were arguing."

"I see you decided to be useful for a change," quipped Opinionated Lad.
"Where's the sheep?"

"That's just it.  He's not there."

PART SEVENTEEN

Jennifer Whitson <jawhitso at uci.edu>

Meanwhile, back at the LNHHQ, Steak-And-Potatoes Man was waging a battle of
willpower. He clung to the countertop in LNHHQ kitchen, staring heavily at
his own warped reflection in the polished surface of a large pot.

He had the wizardy of San. He had the perfect recipe for Mutton Surprise, so
tender that it would melt in your mouth. He ached to _cook_. But they were
teenaged girls, not sheep. Dazed teenaged girls.

Would the world miss just one?

No! He would not sacrifice his heroic mettle simply for a recipie. Not even
if it was one of the most perfect he had ever seen, not even if he had all
the ingredients on hand, not even -- there was a disturbance in the lobby.

Welcoming the distraction, Steak-And-Potatoes Man rushed out to find utter
chaos. Fred, like all receptionists that had been with the LNH for a while,
had known enough to turn tail and flee. Now the receptionists' desk was
occupied by a bevy of kiwis. At their center, a particularly large kiwi in a
striped tie had a thick book open, and appeared to be reading from it.

"Kiwi! Kiwi, kiwi kiwi kiwi. Kiwi! Kiwi! Kiwikiwikiwi. Kiwi!" screamed the
bird.

Steak-And-Potatoes Man had never interacted much with the LNHHQ kiwis. There
weren't any recipies for them in his books, and watching them in action had
given him the vaguest idea that trying to cook one of them would result in
some pretty violent activity. But whatever it was they were doing now, it
didn't seem very conducive to the continued peace of the HQ. He squinted at
the book, and a chill went through his spine as he realized what it was: a
Legal Tome.

"Hey, now," he said, and started forward. Six sets of kiwi eyes focused on
him, and narrowed. In a flash, every kiwi but the one reading out of the
book had tackled him. S-A-P Man fought heroically, but the tiny birds gave
no quarter, and didn't fight fair, either.

But he was too late. The kiwi in the lawyer's tie continued to chant, the
words, as far as S-A-P Man could tell, rising in tempo and emphasis.

Easily Discovered Man Lite opened the main doors to the HQ just in time to
hear the last "KIWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" echo through the building, as space
warped and fluxed around the sheep. With one panicked "Baaaaaaaa!" they were
gone, to parts unknown.

Lite stepped cautiously into the Lobby, doing his best not to meet the gaze
of the incredibly satisfied-looking kiwi wearing a striped lawyer tie. "Is
there anybody here who doesn't speak in animal noises?" he asked.

A hand rose up and waved around weakly. The pile of kiwis moved obligingly
out of the way, happy now that the LNHHQ was once again theirs alone. Not
counting all the heroes running about, of course, but they didn't matter so
much. Steak-And-Potatoes Man stood up and brushed himself off. Well, at
least he didn't have to worry about that mutton recipie anymore.

PART EIGHTEEN

By Josh Hartung (j.o.s.hartung at att.net)

"What do you mean, Deja Dude's gone?" Opinionated Lad said. "He's a sheep!"

"See for yourself," Onion Lad replied. "There's no sign of him."

Opinionated Lad ran up to the hotel room. Inside was, predictably, a regular
hotel room-except that the Sheepshagger had replaced the hotel curtains with
his family tartan.

"Really," Opinionated Lad commented. "Why not just put a sign out saying
'Super-Villain Resides Within?'"

Opinionated Lad checked the bathroom. Other than all the towels and
complimentary toiletries being removed, (and the bathtub drain being clogged
with wool) nothing seemed amiss. He went back into the main room and looked
under the bed.

Now here was something odd.  It seemed. dark under there. Too dark. And then
there was a sound. It seemed to be a voice.

A muttonish voice.

"Deja Dude?" Opinionated Lad called. "That you?"

And suddenly, Opinionated Lad was gone.

***

Meanwhile, outside the Motel 6, Onion Lad and The Indie were attempting to
keep Gaffer Sheep and Ultimate Sheep from wandering off into the highway.

"Tough day for the Ninja, eh?" The Indie commented.

"Yeah," Onion Lad said. "Listen, can't you use your camera to change them
back?"

"Well," The Indie replied. "You know that showbiz axiom, 'Never work with
animals or children?'"

"Yeah."

"Guess what my camera doesn't work on."

"Oh, peachy," Onion Lad said.

"Well, there may be another way," The Indie said. "The SHAG was supposed to
transform those who are easily manipulated, right?"

"Right," Onion Lad replied.

"So it stands to reason that a strong opinion divergent from mainstream
thought may do something," The Indie said. With that, The Indie got down on
his knees and looked into Gaffer-sheep's eyes.

"Baaa?" Gaffer said.

"So Gaffer," The Indie said. "What do you think of 'Who Wants To Be A
MIllionaire?'"

Suddenly, the sparks of sentience came over Gaffer-sheep's eyes. The wool on
his hide fell off in large clumps. And he began to stand upright.

"Baaaaa!" Gaffer-sheep said. "It's eeeevil! Whoever says that insidious
piece of boob tube dreck is a faaaamily show is a haaaalfwit! If you already
know the answers, watching Billy-Bob trailer paaark struggle through 'how
many ounces are in a pound?' is torture! I don't care about the hot lights,
the millions of viewers, and Regis's expectant stare. If you need help
identifying the game _Duck Duck Blank_ you're a moron!"

And with that, Gaffer was human again.

"Welcome back, buddy." The Indie said.

"Didja have to remind me of _that show_?"  Gaffer asked

"You're freaking welcome," The Indie replied.

"Okay, how about him?" Onion Lad asked, pointing to Ultimate Sheep, who was
grazing by the ice machine.

"I dunno," The Indie said. "Ultimate Ninja's entire nature is to put the
team's desires before his own.  It may be harder to find something he feels
so strongly about as an individual. And where the hell's Opinionated Lad?"

"I'll go check," Onion Lad said.

Onion Lad ran off to the motel room just as The Indie's comm.thingee went
off.

"Hey, is that the comm.thingee that Easily-Discovered Man Lite gave to you
back when you two went into the Headquarters' armory?" Gaffer asked.

"Have I said lately how much your connect-the-plot power annoys me?" The
Indie said.

"You're just jealous, sidekick-boy," Gaffer cracked.

"Remind me why I de-sheeped you," The Indie muttered, struggling to find the
"answer" button n the comm.thingee. Finally, Lite's face appeared on the
comm.thingee's display screen.

"Hey The Indie?" Lite said. "We have a new problem."

"Where's all the sheep?" The Indie asked, noticing the now empty lobby
behind Lite.

"That's the new problem," Lite answered. "And what happened with the
Sheepshagger?"

"Oh... crap." The Indie said.  He turned to see that the Sheepshagger had
easily escaped while he was busy de-transforming Gaffer.

"Ohhh, Opinionated Lad's gonna be mad at me.." The Indie mused. Lite and
Gaffer, meanwhile, grinned ear to ear while anticipating the many delightful
hours of making fun of The Indie which were ahead.

***

It's amazing how quickly you can get bored in limbo.

At first you can think of it as a sort of sensory deprivation tank. Of
course, it's not really like a sensory deprivation tank because when you're
in a sensory deprivation tank, you know you can get out of it soon. You try
singing all the songs you know, but limbo absorbs sound so readily that you
really have to belt 'em out to get a good tone, so it doesn't take long
before you lose your voice. You then try to see how many countries you can
name-which only serves to make you appalled at your own ignorance.

So Substitute Lad had just reached the point where going insane seemed a
valid option. After all, it was a way to pass the time. Just as Substitute
Lad was trying to determine exactly _how_ a person goes about going insane,
a sheep dressed up as Deja Dude appeared before him.

"Baaaa?" it said.

"Well," Substitute Lad mused. "That didn't take long."

Of course, Substitute Lad hadn't gone insane. But once he turned around and
saw hundreds more sheep behind him, he certainly had no reason to think
otherwise.

MUTTON MANIA PART NINETEEN!

Martin Phipps (phippsmartin at hotmail.com)

"Baa...ba...bad luck, I'm afraid."

"It talks.  A talking sheep.  I suppose you all talk, right?  Where's Babe?"

"This is hard to explain.  Ask me what I think of 'Swordmaster'."

"Swordmaster?"

"Do it!"

"OK.  What do you think about Swordmaster?"

Deja Sheep gave a detailed critique of "Swordmaster".  He talked about how
there was very little dialogue, with some recurring characters going a full
issue without ever saying anything.  He talked about the odd seventies
references.  Were they an in-joke or just the author's personal fascination?
  He talked about the violence --

"Now, hold on!" Substitute Lad said.  "That sort of thing, done right, can
be very funny.  Did you see Pulp Fiction?"

Deja Dude had almost fully transformed back to human.  "Yes.  But that was
John Travolta and Samuel Jackson.  It wasn't a robot based on the one from
Mystery Science Theatre and a BIG breasted woman based on Catwoman.  Not
that I didn't like Mystery Science Theatre.  Or
Catwoman!  God, do I ever like Jim Balent's Catwoman!  It's just that
Catwoman wasn't just some mindless babe.  And she didn't go around killing
people like some female version of the Punisher."  That did it: Deja Dude
was back to normal.  "Thanks."

"No problem.  I was getting really bored here on my own.  I'm happy to have
someone to talk to.  So... what's going on?"

Deja Dude let out a big sigh.  "OK.  From what I've been able to gather, a
villain known as Sheepshagger transformed hundreds of
teenaged girls attending the Boppapalooza concert into sheep."  He indicated
the sheep around them.  "This is apparently all part of his mad scheme for
world conquest."

"Huh?  How do you conquer the world using sheep?"

"Like I said, it's a mad scheme.  Anyway, I tried to warn the LNH about him
but then he turned _me_ into a sheep."

"OK.  So how come you could talk and they can't?"

Deja Dude smiled.  "That's what I noticed as soon as I arrived here.  I had
theorised that my mind was switched with that of a sheep and that's how I
was able to carry on otherwise normally, but with a sheep's body... but when
I saw these sheep I saw that they were just... well... sheep, I thought to
myself 'What the hell?'.  And I had to completely rethink my theory."

"OK.  Go on."

"I figured that there was something different about me, that my mind was
strong enough that the SHAG gun didn't turn me completely into a sheep.  I
realised that it had to do with force of will, that I was able to keep my
mind simply because I'm strongly opinionated."

"Hence the literary review session."

"Exactly!  I thought I could use my force of will to change back into human.
  Thing is, it hadn't worked up until now.  I guess what I needed is the
adrenaline surge that a person gets when he or she expresses a really strong
opinion."

"OK, fine.  But what about the other sheep?"

Deja Dude considered the problem for a moment.  "We need to think about
something that they have a really strong opinion about.  Hmmm... I'm going
to try something."

Deja Dude turned to face the sheep.  "Ladies?  Ladiiieees?  How about Ricky
Martin.  Hmmm?  You like Ricky Martin?  You know, 'Living La Vida Loca'...
'Go go go Allez Allez Allez'"

One by one, sheep started turning back into teenaged girls.

Naked teenaged girls.

Opinionated Lad, who had followed Deja Sheep into the vortex his mind had
created when D-S had tried to contact his imaginery 'true form', began to
form an opinion.  "I think I've died and gone to heaven!"

"Opinionated Lad!"

"Scratch that.  Deja Dude.  You're back."

Deja Dude nodded.  "Yes.  But these teenaged girls.  Most of them are still
sheep.  Wasn't Occultism Kid able to transform them back?"

"Nahhh!  That guy's a loser.  He made up some excuse about them not really
being teenaged girls."

"Or maybe Sheepshagger's SHAG gun didn't use any magic after all," Deja Dude
mused.  "It doesn't matter now because we've found a way to change them
back.  So, O-L, do you know the names of any of the guys
from 'Nsync or the Backstreet Boys?"

Opinionated Lad cringed.  He hated it when somebody called him 'O-L' simply
because they we too lazy to give his full name, but he let it pass, for now.
  "Do I _look_ like somebody who gives a @#$% about 'Nsick and the Backyard
Boys?"

"OK, never mind."  Deja Dude thought for a moment.  "I know!  Leonardo
Decaprio!  What do you girls think of Leonardo Decaprio?"

Nothing happened.

"Leonardo Decaprio.  He was 'Jack' in 'Titanic'.  You know Titanic, right?
Who saw Titanic?"

"Try singing again," Substitute Lad suggested.

"Singing?  OK.  'You're HERE!  I've NOthing to fear!  And I know that my
heart will go on!  Dede daDA da da da!  And I know..."

Dozens of sheep transformed back into teenaged girls as soon as Deja Dude
started singing.  The process continued until more than half of them were
back to normal.

"They really hate your singing," Substitute Lad said, laughing.

"Shut up," Deja Dude said, somewhat annoyed.

"What _are_ you doing?" Opinionated Lad asked.

"We're trying to invoke a strong reaction out of the sheep so that they'll
change back to human," Substitute Lad explained.

"Really?" Opinionated Lad said, somewhat amused.  "Is that all?  Well then,
why don't you try... THIS!"

He pulled down his pants and mooned all the sheep.  The remaining sheep
changed back into teenaged girls, en masse.

Opinionated Lad smiled.  "I thought that would work so, of course, it did.
I guess they really like my butt."

"Actually," Substitute Lad said, sheepishly.  "Some of them look really
disgusted."

"Really?" Opinionated Lad asked.  "Well, everybody's entitled to their
opinion.  So what do we do now?"

Deja Dude thought for a moment.  "Well, our first duty is to return these
girls to Net.ropolis."

"You can do that?" Substitute Lad asked.

"I openned a portal to this dimension once.  I can do it again."

"So you're going to put a few hundred naked teenaged girls on the streets of
Net.ropolis?" Opinionated Lad asked.

"No," Deja Dude said, flatly.  "I'm going to send them to strip clubs. Since
the women are all naked there anyway, I really don't think anybody would
notice them.  I happen to know the locations of various suitable strip clubs
throughout Net.ropolis."

"Why am I not surprised?" Opinionated Lad opined.  "I think I'll form the
opinion that there won't be any vice cops in any of those places. You
wouldn't want your favorite place shut down, would you?  These girls are
teenagers, remember."

Deja Dude blushed.  "Look, I'm only assuming these places still exist. I
haven't been to any of these places, or any such place like that, for a
long, long time."

"Sure.  Sure."

Deja Dude ignored Opinionated Lad's taunts and set about opening portals out
of limbo to the suitable places in Net.ropolis that he had just described.

"What about Ultimate Ninja?" Opinionated Lad asked.  "Last I recall, he too
was turned into a sheep."

Deja Dude grimaced.  "Look, we've got enough on our hands right now with all
these teenaged girls.  I think Ultimate Ninja can take care of himself."

Opinionated Lad agreed.  "Right.  Screw 'em!"

PART TWENTY

by Josh Hartung (j.o.s.hartung at att.net)

The Lords of Retcon had been observing...and they were displeased.  They
looked into chapter 18 through their scrying pools:

>"Well, there may be another way," The Indie said. "The SHAG was supposed
>to transform those who are easily manipulated, right?"

>"Right," Onion Lad replied.

>"So it stands to reason that a strong opinion divergent from mainstream
>thought may do something," The Indie said.

Then they saw Chapter Nineteen:

>Deja Dude turned to face the sheep.  "Ladies?  Ladiiieees?  How about
>Ricky Martin.  Hmmm?  You like Ricky Martin?  You know, 'Living La Vida
>Loca'... 'Go go go Allez Allez Allez'"
>
>One by one, sheep started turning back into teenaged girls.

It seemed that liking Ricky Martin was completely in line with the
mainstream opinions of teenage girls.  However, it could be argued that
these teenage girls _didn't_ like Ricky Martin.  Then why were they at his
concert?  This could be excused by the Lords of Retcon.  Yet there were more
offenses.

>"Try singing again," Substitute Lad suggested.
>
>"Singing?  OK.  'You're HERE!  I've NOthing to fear!  And I know that
>my heart will go on!  Dede daDA da da da!  And I know..."
>
>Dozens of sheep transformed back into teenaged girls as soon as Deja
>Dude started singing.  The process continued until more than half of
>them were back to normal.
>
>"They really hate your singing," Substitute Lad said, laughing.
>
>"Shut up," Deja Dude said, somewhat annoyed.
>
>"What _are_ you doing?" Opinionated Lad asked.
>
>"We're trying to invoke a strong reaction out of the sheep so that
>they'll change back to human," Substitute Lad explained.
>
>"Really?" Opinionated Lad said, somewhat amused.  "Is that all?  Well
>then, why don't you try... THIS!"
>
>He pulled down his pants and mooned all the sheep.  The remaining sheep
>changed back into teenaged girls, en masse.

To hate someone delivering a bad rendition of "My Heart Will Go On" was not
divergent from mainstream thought.  To be disgusted at someone mooning may
elicit a strong _reaction,_ but not a strong _opinion._  And the idea of
someone of Opinionated Lad's stature resorting to _mooning_ ...

>"So you're going to put a few hundred naked teenaged girls on the
>streets of Net.ropolis?" Opinionated Lad asked.
>
>"No," Deja Dude said, flatly.  "I'm going to send them to strip clubs.
>Since the women are all naked there anyway, I really don't think
>anybody would notice them.  I happen to know the locations of various
>suitable strip clubs throughout Net.ropolis."

Leaving naked teenage girls in a strip club, assuming this would be _the
best place for them_ stretched willing suspension of disbelief to the
breaking point.  Even for the LNH.  Furthermore, the entire chapter seemed
to be a way to justify one writer's need to have his own character solve
everything.

The Lords of Retconn would not allow this to continue.  With that, they
began to turn back time...

***

So Substitute Lad had just reached the point where going insane seemed a
valid option. After all, it was a way to pass the time. Just as Substitute
Lad was trying to determine exactly _how_ a person goes about going insane,
a sheep dressed up as Deja Dude appeared before him.

"Baaaa?" it said.

And promptly exploded.

"Well," Substitute Lad mused, wiping sheep entrails off himself.. "That
didn't take long."

Of course, Substitute Lad hadn't gone insane. But once he turned around and
saw hundreds more sheep behind him, he certainly had no reason to think
otherwise.

The Lords of Retcon were satisfied.  MUTTON MANIA could continue.

PART TWENTY-ONE

Martin Phipps (phippsmartin at hotmail.com)

"Substitute Lad?  Substitute Lad?"

"Eh?  What?  Deja Dude?"

"I was just saying we need to find some way to change the sheep back into
teenaged girls."

"Didn't we already do that?"

"No.  That was a dream you had.  That and all that business about the Lords
of Retcon changing things back to the way they were at the end of part
eighteen."

"Really?  But if it was all a dream and it was _my_ dream then how...?"

"That's not important right now.  The sheep are."

"OK.  So why can't you change the sheep back into girls the same way you
changed yourself back into a human?"

"You mean by trying to illicit a strong opinion?"

"Yeah."

"I already tried that while you were dreaming.  Perhaps it needs to be an
opinion that goes against the mainstream.  I was able to transform back into
myself because my opinion, supposedly and conveniently enough, goes against
the mainstream opinion on RACC.  But these girls, presumably, are only
interested in what's hot and in fashion."

"But, wait a minute," Substitute Lad said, "who decides what gets to be
popular?  Don't they decide for themselves who is popular by actually going
out and buying the albums?"

"Maybe," Deja Dude concurred, "or maybe Sheepshagger's wide beam from his
SHAG gun only affected those who NEVER make their own decisions who ONLY
followed the existing popular fashions.  That would explain why Weirdness
Girl wasn't affected, because she undoubtedly would have weird opinions that
were entirely her own."

Substitute Lad thought for a moment.  "So, in a sense, these girls always
WERE sheep."

Deja Dude nodded.  "That might have been what Occultism Kid detected when he
tried to change them back into teenaged girls: he couldn't change them back
because it was natural for them to BE sheep."

"And yet there has to be _some_ way to change them back to human.  I mean,
look at it this way, even the most horribly sheepish person has to have his
or her own opinion about _something_.  You could try singing?  Or you could
moon them?"

Deja Dude shook his head.  "No.  Besides, it's just occurred to me: even if
we _did_ change them back to human, they'd be naked.  Where would we be able
to send them?  A strip club?"

Substitute Lad mused for a moment.  Sending naked girls to a strip club
might be no worse then sending them to LNH HQ where Onion Lad and EDM Lite
would see them.  And strip clubs have age restrictions and
bouncers.  "I take it then you _can_ get us back to the Looniverse, right?"

Deja Dude nodded.  "Absolutely!  If I was able to open a portal between the
Looniverse and limbo then I can do it again.  I think I'll send them back to
LNH HQ and have Doctor Stomper look at them.  Lord knows why he hasn't been
sent to check on them until now, if Occultism Kid wasn't effective I mean.
Somebody on duty hasn't been checking the LNH roster!"

"Well, Ultimate Ninja _has_ been out of it lately," Substitute Lad said,
thinking back to the time when he was impersonating Tsar Chasm.

"Fair enough!  I'll open a portal to LNH HQ and suck everything in limbo
back there.  Hold on!"

With a wave of Deja Dude's hands, a portal began to open.  First, it was a
bright yellow dot.  Then a line.  Then it cracked open.
Hurricane force winds starting blowing everything in limbo towards it.

"Hey!  Deja Dude!" Opinionated Lad said.  "There are you are.  What's going
on?  Oh, @#$%.  Not again!"

All of them, Deja Dude, Opinionated Lad, Substitute Lad and all the sheep,
were sucked back to LNH HQ.

"Hey!" Easily Discovered Man Lite said.  "They're back!"

"Kiwi!  Kiwi!  Kiwi!  Kiwi!  Kiwi!  Kiwi!"

The kiwis were not happy.

Deja Dude swallowed hard.  "Oh boy."

=========
NEXT TIME: Mutton Mania #22-28
           by Various
=========