[LNHY] Looniverse Y #6

[Martin Phipps]

  "There I was on stage with eleven other neta.humans,
all in costume.  Sean Colgate came out, flashed his
big smile, waved to the crowd, looked into the TV
cameras and spoke into his microphone.
  "'Welcome back to Ame.rec.a's Next Top Net.Hero! 
I'm Sean Colgate and behind me are our twelve
finalists, one of whom will go on to be Ame.rec.a's
Next Top Net.Hero.  Last night you saw them
demonstrate their powers, you heard what the judges
thought and we gave you, Ame.rec.a, the chance to vote
for your favorite.  And tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
we will find out what the results were!'
  "I was shaking like a leaf.  Wait.  Do leaves shake?
I know.  I know.  It's just an expression.  Anyway,
Sean Colgate continued.
  "'I'm going to announce the names of the bottom
three.  The first name I am going to call is...
Captain Useless!  Captain Useless, would you please
step forward.  Thank you.  Now, Captain Useless, I'll
remind you what the judges said last night.  Randy
said that your performance just didn't do anything for
him.  Paula said she liked your abs.  Simon said you
were absolutely pathetic.  Captain Useless... you're
in the bottom three tonight.'
  "I felt I was going to pee my pants.  I really
should have gone before I got on stage.  Sean Colgate
continued.
  "'The next name I'm going to read is... Loser Lad. 
Loser Lad, would you please step forward.  Thank you. 
Now, Loser Lad, Randy said your performance lacked a
certain X factor.  Paula said she liked your butt. 
Simon said you were absolutely ridiculous.  Loser
Lad... you're in the bottom three tonight.'
  "I was sure he was going to call my name next and
somehow that certainty was able to calm my nerves. 
Sure enough, Sean Colgate spoke once more.
  "'The next name on my list is... Kid Kicked Out.'
  "I stepped forward.
  "'Kid Kicked Out, yesterday when asked to
demonstrate your powers, you just left.  Can you
explain why.'
  "Suddenly I was nervous again.  'Well, you see, my
power is the ability to get kicked out so I
demonstrated leaving.'  This wasn't going well.  I
could tell.
  "'I see.  Well, Randy was heard to say last night
"What the hell was that?".  Paula thought you might
have had potential and might try working out at the
gym.  Simon said it was absolutely the worst cop-out
performance he had ever seen in his entire life.  Kid
Kicked Out... you're in the bottom three.'
  "'Now I want the bottom three to line up together. 
Captain Useless... you are safe this evening.  Loser
Lad... you are also safe.  That means, Kid Kicked Out,
you have to go home.'
  "Of course.  I always get kicked out.  Well, except
from the LNH.  Not yet anyway.  I haven't yet been
kicked out of the LNH.  Of course, it helps that I'm
leader of the LNH.  Then I started to wonder why I was
on a reality TV show when I'm the leader of the LNH. 
That's when I realised that I was dreaming.
  "Thing is, when I woke up it still felt like I was
dreaming.  I mean... these aren't me."  Kid Kicked Out
pointed to the humongous breasts that he had acquired
last issue when the New LNH Member Detector turned him
into a woman in the name of affirmative action.  "You
know, when I woke up this morning I felt these breasts
and thought maybe I'd gotten lucky, you know, that I
was in bed with some hot babe with humongous breasts. 
Then I realized, remembered actually, that these were
MY breasts!"
  Kid Kicked then sat there with a sad puppy dog face
and waited for some kind of response.
  Van Hel.sig sighed.  "What exactly do you want me to
do?"
  "We need a woman in the LNH," Kid Kicked Out said. 
"Then the New LNH Member Detector will turn me back
into a man!"
  Van Hel.sig shook his head.  "I don't exactly know a
lot of women.  And the New LNH Member Detector
rejected Buxom the Vampire Slayer."
  "That's because you and Buxom were created by the
same author."
  "Whatever."
  "But I was thinking... all we have to do is find
another author and get him to create a female
character.  Or, better yet, a whole bunch of female
characters!  Then we could hold interviews and pick
the one we like."
  Van Hel.sig nodded.  "Okay.  Okay.  Maybe Martin can
talk to Tom Russell."

  Looniverse Y #6: Auditions
    by Martin Phipps with special assistance and
approval from Tom and Mary Russell!

  "What's going on here?!" Exclamation!Master! asked. 
"Why are there so many women here at LNHHQ?!!"
  "There here for the auditions," Kid Kicked Out
explained.
  "Auditions?!"
  "We're looking for a new LNH member," Van Hel.sig
explained.  "And she has to be female, so Kid Kicked
Out here can go back to being a man."
  "Oh!"
  Kid Kicked Out became concerned. 
"Exclamation!Master!  Are you okay?"
  "Yes!  I'm fine!  Why?!"
  "You screamed 'Oh!'"
  Van Hel.sig sighed.  "That's just the way he talks. 
You should be used to it by now."
  "Okay.  So he was just saying 'Oh, I see.'"
  "Exactly."
  "A bit confusing, isn't it?"
  "How so?"
  "Well, what if he had hurt himself.  He could be
going around screaming 'Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!' and we could
just ignore it because that's just the way he talks."
  "The net.hero who cried 'Oh'."
  "Exactly."
  "Couldn't he just say 'I'm in pain.  Help me.'?"
  "Sure, but most people when they are in terrible
pain don't have the peace of mind to just say they are
in pain."
  "I do," Van Hel.sig said, "but, okay,
Exclamation!Master! could say something like '@#$%! 
That hurts!' and that would work too.  You're
imagining a problem where there isn't one."
  "Yeah, well," Kid Kicked Out said, "but I'm the
leader of this group.  I have to, um, anticipate
problems."
  Van Hel.sig sighed again, this time even more
deeply.  "Let's just get on with this."

  Kid Kicked Out, Van Hel.sig and Exclamation!Master!
sat behind a table in the LNH HQ lobby and had
candidates line up in front of them.  The New LNH
Member Detector had been placed on the table in front
of them.  There were, apparently, fourteen candidates
in all, so they wanted to get through them quickly.
  "You know," Van Hel.sig said impatiently, "I should
be out there fighting the forces of evil, not sitting
here judging a beauty contest."
  "This is not a beauty contest," Kid Kicked Out said.
"We're here to determine who is the best person to
join us as a net.hero, a new partner in our battle
against evil."
  "So what criteria are we going to use?"
  "Um... well, she has to have powers and... they have
to be useful..."
  "And she has to look good in her costume?"
  "Yes!  I mean... no.  I mean... that's not a
consideration.  Not unless, I mean, like Buxom the
Vampire Slayer.  I mean, if I was a vampire then... I
mean just looking at her... I mean my... I mean if I
still had my... I mean... she works it.  I mean it
works for her."  Kid Kicked Out sighed.
  "I stand corrected," Van Hel.sig quipped.
  "But, you know, being a woman now, I am a lot more
sensitive.  Really!" Kid Kicked out insisted.  "I
mean, we women don't want to be judged only based on
our looks."
  "Fair enough."  Van Hel.sig nodded.  "Alright, you
there."  He pointed at a blonde net.hero in a
(somehow) tight-fitting gold plated costume."
  "Wow!  Hubba hubba!  Yummy!"
  "Exclamation!Master!  Control yourself!" Van Hel.sig
insisted.
  "I'm sorry!"
  "We all apologize for that outburst, Miss...?"
  "Call me Trophy Wife!" she said.
  "Ah!" Van Hel.sig said.  "So it's Mrs."
  "Actually, no," she explained.  "My husband died
recently."
  "I'm sorry to hear that."
  "Well, I appreciate the sympathy."
  "When did he die?"
  "Yesterday."
  "When's the funeral?"
  "This afternoon."
  Van Hel.sig's jaw dropped.  "Are you going dressed
like that?"
  Trophy Wife laughed.  "Oh no no no," she said. 
"I'll change first."
  Van Hel.sig frowned.  Actually he had been frowning
before but this additional frowning involved a deeper
furrowing of his eyebrows and lips.  "You don't look
as though you are in mourning.  You don't even look
upset."
  Trophy Wife nodded.  "Yes, well, I get used to this
sort of thing."
  "What sort of thing?"
  "My husbands dying."
  "Explain."
  "Well, I've been married before.  And I've been
widowed before.  It's my power, actually."
  Van Hel.sig was confused.  "Am I to understand that
you have the power to kill your husband?"
  "Oh no!  For heaven's sake no!"  She laughed.  "No,
my power is to marry men just before they are going to
die.  They are going to die anyway.  I don't cause
them to die."
  "Why would you want to marry a man just before he
died?" Kid Kicked Out asked, naively.
  "Well... for the money... of course," Trophy Wife
said, matter of factly.
  "Don't you think this is immoral?" Van Hel.sig
asked.
  "How so?"
  "If you know someone is going to die then you should
tell them and they can get medical treatment."
  Trophy Wife laughed.  "Oh, I'm afraid you don't
understand!  You see, I only marry men in their
eighties!  There's nothing that can be done!  In fact,
if I told them they were going to die then they'd
still want to marry me.  Nobody wants to die alone."
  "I think I'm going to be sick," Kid Kicked Out said.
  "I think there's a chance I might die of a heart
attack!" Exclamation!Master! said.  "My doctor tells
me I experience too much stress! Is there any chance
of you and me...?!"
  "Did you fill in the application?" Van Hel.sig asked
quickly.
  "Yes."
  "Alright.  We'll be in touch.  Next!"

  The next woman who stepped forward was wearing a
grey pants suit and had her hair tied up in a bun.
  "Where's your costume?" Kid Kicked Out asked.
  "Do I really need a costume?" she asked.  "Nobody
said anything about having to bring a costume.  The ad
just said we were here to petition to join the Legion
of Net.Heroes.  It didn't say anything about bringing
a costume!"
  "I thought it was understood..."
  "What am I?" she asked.  "A mindreader?"
  "What's your name?" Van Hel.sig asked quickly.
  "Real name or code name?"
  "Code name's fine."
  "Red Tonja."
  "Red Tonja?"
  "What?" she asked.  "You have a problem with my name
now.  Look, I have this berserker rage, okay?  It
might not seem very useful but if we're facing some
evil son of a @#$%^ @$$hole then I can promise you
I'll rip his @$$ wide open and pull his lungs out!  I
swear!"
  "Right," Van Hel.sig said.  "Thank you for coming."
  "That's it?" she asked.  "That sounds like a brush
off to me!  You know, I came all this way!  I don't
live downtown you know!  I had to take two buses!  The
I had to wait for you guys to show up!  Filled in this
stupid application!"
  "NEXT!"
  "Oh @#$% you!"  She turned around and left, slamming
the main door to LNH HQ behind her.
  Eight women, all identical, stepped forward.
  "I'm sorry," Van Hel.sig said, "but we're
interviewing one at a time."
  "Oh but we're one person," they all said at once.
  "There's eight of you," Van Hel.sig said.
  "Technically, yes, but we all share a common
consciousness.  One of us can be in one room and the
others will see everything that we see.  Or she sees. 
I'm sorry, we're not used to thinking of ourselves as
individuals.  That's just how you see us."
  Van Hel.sig nodded.  "Well, yes, that's a very
useful power, but, I'm afraid, technically, the rules
state that each author can have only one member in the
LNH and, technically, there _are_ eight of you."
  "But, really, there's only _one_ of us."
  "NEXT!" Van Hel.sig said, impatiently.  Actually, he
needed be so impatient because they now had only four
candidates left: he just didn't like people arguing
with him.

  The next candidate came out carrying a briefcase.
  "Name, please?" Van Hel.sig asked.
  "Briefcase Lass."
  "Powers?" 
  "Um, well, maybe my friend here can help me
demonstrate."
  "Who's your friend?"
  "Resurrection Lad."
  "Resurrection Lad?"
  "He has the power to come back from the dead no
matter how badly his body is mutilated, tortured or
otherwise destroyed."
  "Really?!" Van Hel.sig said, his eyes widenning. 
"Do you think he might be interested in..."
  "Female!" Kid Kicked Out said.  "The new member must
be female!"
  Van Hel.sig sighed... again.  "Very well, show us
what you can do."
  Briefcase Lass waited until Resurrection Lad was
standing in front of a wall with nobody behind him. 
She then opened the briefcase.  A beam of pure energy
(which sounds really impressive but then isn't a
flashlight also producing a beam of pure energy?)
emerged from the briefcase and struck Resurrection
Lad.  Resurrection Lad was instantly vaporized!
  "Holy @#$%!" Exclamation!Master! said.
  "Um," Van Hel.sig said, "are you sure Resurrection
Lad is going to be okay?"
  "Oh absolutely!" Briefcase Lass insisted.  "In fact,
we did this just last week when we interviewed for the
Deadly Serious Squad."
  "And they turned you down?"
  "They thought the whole idea of using a briefcase as
a weapon was too silly."
  "Well," Van Hel.sig said, "we still have a few more
people to interview but..."
  <:She's not eligible!:> the LNH New Member Detector
declared.
  "Why the hell not?" Kid Kicked Out asked.
  <:She's a parody of the mainstream LNH character
Lunchbox Lass.:>
  "So?"
  <:So Lunchbox Lass was created by Tom Russell...:>
  "Yeah."
  <:But this parody of Lunchbox Lass is the creation
of Martin Phipps...:>
  "Again... so?"
  "Who created Van Hel.sig."
  "Damn."
  "You know," Van Hel.sig said, "I could always quit
the LNH."
  "Could you?" Kid Kicked Out asked.
  Van Hel.sig grimaced with anger.  "Had it occured to
you that, as leader of the LNH, you could simply fire
me and hire her?"
  "Oh, no, please!" Briefcase Lass said.  "I don't
want anyone fired on my account."
  Kid Kicked Out sighed.  "It's okay.  Nobody's
getting fired.  We'll pick somebody from amongst the
others."
  "Next, please," Van Hel.sig said.

  The next person who stepped forward wore a cowboy
hat, a checked shirt, jeans and cowboy boots.
  "I'm sorry," Van Hel.sig said, "but this interview
is for women only."
  "Oh but I am a girl," she said with a southern
drawl.
  "Really?"
  "Really."  She took off the cowboy hat to reveal
long, blonde hair which then cascaded over her
shoulders.
  "Keep going!" Exclamation!Master! said.  "Show us
some more!"
  "For heaven's sake," Van Hel.sig chastized, "calm
down!"
  "I am calm!" Exclamation!Master! insisted.  "This is
just the way I talk!  Remember?!"
  "We don't need to make her do a striptease..."
  "How do we know she isn't a guy with long blonde
hair?!"
  "I assure I'm not!" she said, indignantly.
  "Do you have any powers?" Van Hel.sig asked,
changing the subject.
  "Well... no."
  "No?"
  "I mean... I can ride a horse, milk a cow... Oh!  I
can fire a gun!  I reckon that counts as a power!"
  "Right," Van Hel.sig said with a sigh, "we'll be in
touch."
  "Is that it?"
  "We still have two more people to interview."
  "Oh.  Okay."
  "Next."
  
  The next candidate approached wearing a skin tight
cat suit and carried a white persian cat in her arms.
  "Who are you supposed to be?" Van Hel.sig asked,
sounding somewhat annoyed.  "Catwoman?"
  "Close," she admitted.  "I'm Pussy Girl."
  "Please tell me it's because you like pussy!" Kid
Kicked Out asked excitedly.
  Van Hel.sig sighed and shook his head.  "You do
realise that if she were to join the group then you
would go back to being a man.  You still want to be a
man, don't you?"
  Kid Kicked Out was nonplused.  "You don't have to be
a lesbian to enjoy the thought of women getting it
on."
  "I wouldn't know," Van Hel.sig admitted.  "That's
not my thing."
  Kid Kicked Out looked puzzled.  "I thought you were
supposed to be Martin Phipps' writer character."
  "What's that supposed to mean?"
  "Oh... um... nothing."
  Van Hel.sig just wanted to get on with the
interviews.  "So what is your power?"
  "I talk to cats."
  "Really?  Show us."
  Pussy Girl held her cat out in front of her.  "Ohhh!
Who's a good girl, hmmm?  You finished all your food?
Hmm?  Do you want me to rub you behind the ears? 
Yes?  Good!  Because I like rubbing my pussy!"
  "Wait!" Van Hel.sig said.
  "What's wrong?"
  "Does the cat even understand what you're saying?"
  Pussy Girl rolled her eyes.  "Of course not!  She's
a cat!"  She laughed.  "Cats don't understand
English."
  "Next!"

  The last candidate was a forty-five year old mom,
still wearing her house-work clothes and kitchen
apron.  Presumably that was her costume.
  "Name?"
  "Macromom."
  "Powers?"
  "Excuse me?"
  "What can you do?"
  Macromom thought for a moment.  "Well, let's see...
I'm good at macrame."
  "Right," Van Hel.sig said, "we're done here."
  "Have I got the job?"
  "No," Van Hel.sig said flatly.  "Get out!"
  "How rude!"
  
  Kid Kicked Out started to panic.  "What?  That's it?
We're giving up?"
  "Not one eligible candidate had any powers!"
  "But I can't remain a woman!"
  "Fine!" Van Hel.sig said, throwing his hands up in
frustration.  "You pick one!"
  "Really?"
  "Absolutely!" Van Hel.sig said.  "You're the boss! 
Remember?"
  "Oh yeah."
  "So it's your decision!"
  "Alright then."  Kid Kicked Out thumbed through the
applications on the table in front of him and then
ripped out one of the photos.  He then went around the
table and stood in front of it.  "Trophy Wife?  Pussy
Girl?  Could you two step forward, please?"
  They stepped forward.
  "Trophy Wife?  Your ability to marry someone just
before he dies really grossed out the judges... but
you look seriously hot in that gold outfit.  Pussy
Girl?  Ditto... but you have no powers at all."  He
sighed.  "Now in my hands I have one photograph.  This
is the photograph of the girl who will become the
LNH's next new member!"
  "Oh for heavens sake get on with it!" Van Hel.sig
complained.
  Kid Kicked Out ignored him.  "Trophy Wife.  I figure
the gold costume might be bullet proof.  Pussy Girl...
that means you have to go home."
  Pussy Girl started crying.  Trophy Wife embraced her
to make her feel better.
  <:New LNH member detected!:> the New LNH Member
Detector said.  <:New LNH member detected!  The new
LNH member is female!  Therefore Kid Kicked Out is
reverting to his male form!:>
  Kid Kicked Out, still watching Trophy Wife and Pussy
Girl embracing each other, reverted to his original
form.  "Hey," he said, "I've got a woo--!"
  "Don't say it!" Exclamation!Master! said.  "Don't
say it!"
  "Thank you all so much!" Trophy Wife said as the
other would be LNHers all left.
  "I'm just glad this is all over!" Van Hel.sig said.
  "You know," Kid Kicked Out said, "I just realized
something."
  "What's that?" Van Hel.sig asked and then
immediately regretted having asked.
  "That was the first time I ever kicked anybody out!"
  "So?"
  "So... it actually felt good!  I felt empowered! 
Wow!  All this time I've been feeling sorry for
myself, always getting kicked out of places!  I never
realized how much happiness I was giving to other
people!"
  Van Hel.sig had had enough: he stood up and went
over to where Kid Kicked Out was standing.  He then
picked Kid Kicked Out up, carried him to the open
front door of LNH HQ and kicked him out.
  "Hey, wait a minute!" Van Hel.sig said, his mood
suddenly brightening up.  "He was right!  That felt
great!"
  Exclamation!Master! and Trophy Wife both laughed.

                        THE END

Roster Entries:

RED TONJA
Real name: Jessica Willey
Age: 30
Powers: Constantly on her period, it fuels her
berserker rage.  She uses tampons as weapons, either
as blunt-force projectiles (like throwing knives, but,
not sharp and, well, tampons) or as bolas (two or more
tampon strings tied together).
Personality: Quickly irritable and bitchy warrior
woman, though she is prone to sudden mood swings in
which she is unsure of herself and asks constantly if
she looks pretty or if she's smart.
Weakness: Requires a lot of fluids to keep herself
from dehydrating.
Created by: Tom & Mary Russell.

FIGURE 8
Age: 35
Real name: Divine Van Domelen
Powers: Able to split into eight distinct bodies. 
(She can't split into four or five or six, just eight,
no more and no less.)
Personality: Dedicated and determined, she is just as
obsessed about suceeding as a hero as she was about
being an professional ice skater.  Asks "why" a lot.
Weakness: Knee injuries.
Created by: Tom & Mary Russell.

COWBOY GIRL
Real name: Adrienne McClure
Age: 40
Powers: No real powers per se, though she is a crack
shot and an expert with a lariat.
Personality: Aggressive, takes umbrage to being called
a cowgirl.  Very masculine without being butch, prone
to moments of melancholic reflection about the
hardness of the cowboy life.
Weakness: Garth and Ennis.
Created by: Mary Russell.

PUSSY GIRL
Real name: Martine Phipps
Age: 16
Powers: Able to communicate with cats and to give them
commands.  Now, as to whether or not the cats are
going to follow her commands, on the other hand... I
mean, come on.  They're cats.  They don't listen to
nobody.
Personality: Cheerful and bubbly, somewhat naive. 
Often makes double entendres without realizing it.
Weakness: see powers.
Created by: Mary Russell.

MACRAMOM
Real name: Arthurina Spitzer
Age: 45
Powers: Able to create any structure out of macrame.
Personality: June Cleaver with occassional flashes of
dry wit.  Probably a secret drinker.
Weakness: Compulsive baker.
Created by: Tom Russell.

TROPHY WIFE
Real name: Tammy Russell
Age: 35
Powers: Gold-plated and indestructable blonde.
Personality: Sexy and she knows it, an unrelenting
gold-digger.  Always on the prowl for the next big
score.
Weakness: White millionaires over the age of eighty. 
Also, being gold-plated, she requires a lot of KY.
Created by: Tom Russell.
Group affiliation: LNH

Other credits:
Van Hel.sig, Buxom the Vampire Slayer, Briefcase Lass
and Resurrection Lad created by Martin Phipps
Kid Kicked Out, the Deadly Serious Squad and the New
LNH Member Detector created by Arthur Spitzer
Exclamation!Master! created by Saxon Brenton

Martin

__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Tired of spam?  Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around 
http://mail.yahoo.com