LNH/ACRA: Legion of Net.Heroes Vol. 2 # 11
Tom Russell
milos_parker at yahoo.com
Mon Nov 21 08:00:26 PST 2005
THE LEGION OF THE NET.HEROES Vol. 2 No. 11
BY TOM RUSSELL
"So, like I was saying. Times are tough."
"You're saying you're cutting the budget," said
Librarian Lady.
"I'm saying I'm cutting the library," said the
Ultimate Ninja. "When we can scan all the information
in with computers, there's no need for hard-copy
record keeping."
"I find myself in severe disagreement with you."
"We'll be happy to keep you on as a reserve member.
But your services as a librarian will not be
necessary. The library is being phased out by the end
of the month."
-|-
Librarian Lady knew something was up when Master
Blaster had arrived to inform her of her meeting with
the Ninja. "I'll keep an eye on things," he had
promised.
Upon her return, Librarian Lady briefly summarized,
in a library voice, of course, her discussion with the
Ninja for Master Blaster.
"I like to think of myself as the sort who can see
both sides of an issue," said Master Blaster. "On the
one hand, you have a library. I can come here and
check out books. It's much easier to read them when I
have them in front of me, rather than a computer
screen. I mean, it's hard for me to have to run to
the bathroom whenever there's a really sexy bit. With
a book, I can have it there with me in the bathroom.
Very convenient. Sit right on the toilet, don't even
have to worry about lifting the seat in time. Plus,
even when you delete the history folder, there's still
a record of you visiting this site or that one. But
not a book. So there's no way wReanna can find out.
Though there is this PATRIOT ACT business. But, on
the bright side, I have a huge gun and I don't believe
in evolution. Or freedom of speech. So they're not
going to come after my record anyway.
"But on the other hand"-- somehow, Master Blaster
was impervious to Librarian Lady's gorgonizing stare--
"you have to cut somewhere, and this isn't exactly a
high-use part of LNHHQ. Since you've been gone,
there's only been one person in here." He handed her
a business card. It read:
E. Forbes Smiley III
Rare Map Dealer
"He was just looking at a couple of old atlases,"
said Master Blaster. "Comparing his copies or
something. He was here for ten minutes, then he
left."
E. Forbes Smiley the third... why did that name
sound familiar...? Hadn't she read something in the
New Yorker...?
She found the back issue she had in mind and
flipped through the magazine. Well, flipped wasn't
quite the right word. Flipped was not dignified, and
here, in her domain, Librarian Lady was dignified and
precise. So, not "flipped". And "thumbed" isn't
quite the verb we're looking for either. Either way,
she arrived at the page she was looking for, the one
that lingered in her memory like the man's strange
name...
E. Forbes Smiley III. The notorious map thief.
"Oh, shit."
It was at that moment that the ceiling dropped six
feet.
-|-
Bad Timing Boy was turning around a corner with a
cream pie in hand when the corner, quite suddenly,
moved, narrowing the hallway and causing said
conveniently if implausibly present cream pie to fly
into his face.
-|-
"The walls are moving!" said Sister
State-the-Obvious.
"I noticed," said Sarcastic Lad. "I wonder how
Accordion Lad is doing?"
-|-
Accordion Lad's elongated mid-drift collapsed as
the floor rose up to the ceiling. In a matter of
seconds, the distance between the two had gone from
ten feet to ten inches.
"Good thing your body works like an accordion,"
said Well-Comma-On-The-Bright-Side-Dot-Dot-Dot Lad,
now flat on his belly.
"Too bad I'm claustrophobic," said Accordion Lad.
"Wonder how Domestic Lad and Cheesecake Eater Lad are
making out?"
-|-
"No tongue!"
"Whoa!"
"What?"
"Did you feel that?"
"What are you-- oh! The floor's slanting."
"And the walls are moving in! Gee, I hope Insomnia
Boy's alright."
-|-
"God damn it! I had finally gotten to sleep!"
-|-
The Ninja gathered as many Legionnaires as he could
into the cafeteria. Around them, the walls kept
moving; the words that they spoke were occasionally
seasoned by screams of shock and pain. "Does anyone
have any idea what's going on?"
"I do," said Librarian Lady. "Or maybe I think I
do."
"Get on with it."
"There is a book in our library, the Phipps Atlas.
And inside, there is a floor map of LNHHQ."
"Might be a bit outdated now," said Sarcastic Lad,
dodging a table that had been propelled by a shifting
wall. "Just a mite."
"It was stolen. And shortly thereafter, all this
started to occur."
"Irony Man," said the Ninja, "why don't you go to a
computer and print up a copy from our scan of the
Phipps Atlas?"
"Why me?"
"Someone needs to do it."
"But I don't want to."
"Let me rephrase. Irony Man. Print up a copy.
Now."
"I'm afraid that won't quite do it," said Occultism
Kid. "From the time I've spent in our library, I've
been able to determine-- watch out for the ceiling,
Parking Karma Kid-- that there are a number of magical
artifacts in our collection, of which the Phipps Atlas
is one. We would need, then, to get the actual map
back from the thief."
"This is what happens," said Irony Man, "when you
@#$% with the library."
-|-
And so, a team was hand-picked by the Ninja and
dispatched to retrieve the map. His quick ninja mind
took into account the powers, personalities,
weaknesses, favourite flavors of ice cream and
compatibility of all the Legionnaires at his disposal;
and with vast ninja logic, he chose the four whose
grouping together could be considered completely and
utterly random.
Mainstream Man! Coward Lad! Master Blaster! And
WikiBoy, the LNHer That Anyone Can Edit!
-|-
"So, you're like a robot?" said Mainstream Man to
WikiBoy as the quartet navigated through the shifting
hallways en route the garage.
"No, I'm a human being," said WikiBoy. "I just
have the ability to have my personality, powers, and
appearance altered by anyone."
"You sure you're not a cyborg?"
"Very sure. I'm a human."
"Because that would be cool."
"Nope. Not a cyborg."
"But if I was to say that you were a cyborg..."
"Please don't."
"You're a cyborg."
"God damn it," said CyberWikiBoy.
"Hey, CyberWikiBoy," said Master Blaster. "You
have humungous knockers."
CyberWikiBoy sprouted breasts.
"Yes!"
"Revert," said Coward Lad meekly.
"Humungous knockers!" said Master Blaster
enthusiastically.
"Revert."
"Do that again and I'll knock your teeth out," said
Master Blaster. "Knockers!"
Coward Lad said nothing.
CyberWikiBoy sighed. "This is humiliating."
"But you like to be humiliated," said Master
Blaster. "It turns you on. In fact, you're quite the
exhibitionist."
CyberWikiBoy sighed before striking a pouty look
and lifting up his shirt to display his strange,
nipple-less cyber breasts.
"Who said Mardi Gras is dead? Yes!"
"I'm reverting the knockers," said Mainstream Man
wearily.
"Knockers!" said Master Blaster. "Hey! I said,
knockers!"
"Three reverts in a row locks up that part of
WikiBoy," explained Coward Lad cheerfully. "They'll
be no edits on his chest for a long time."
"Well, I'm reverting the cyborg stuff!" said Master
Blaster indignantly.
"He's a cyborg!"
"Revert!"
"Cyborg!" said Mainstream Man. "Come on. It'll be
cool."
"Revert!"
"God damn it."
-|-
By the time they reached the car, Master Blaster
had given WikiBoy the platypus-like ability to sweat
milk and Mainstream Man had given WikiBoy an alien
symbiote with platypus-like venom spurs. The symbiote
ended up bonding to a suicidal reporter, spawning a
second symbiote who bonded to a homicidal maniac,
which then spawned many, many symbiotes, each with
their own limited series. Even Mainstream Man got
tired of it after a while.
And so, they arrived at the car. "Who's driving?"
said Master Blaster. "One, two, three..."
"Not it!" said everyone at once. Everyone, that
is, excluding Coward Lad.
"Um," said Coward Lad.
"Don't tell me you're afraid of driving," said
Master Blaster.
Coward Lad looked at his feet. "No. But. Um.
You know, WikiBoy is an excellent driver."
Master Blaster and Mainstream Man exchanged
glances. "That was an excellent edit, Coward Lad."
"I'm still recovering," said WikiBoy.
"You're even better at driving when you're
bleeding," suggested Coward Lad.
WikiBoy shot him a hurt glance. "I'm not some toy!
I'm a human being!"
"No, you're not," said Master Blaster, nudging
Mainstream Man.
"You're a tireless cyborg!" said Mainstream Man.
"With huge knockers!" said Master Blaster.
"And a clone!" said Mainstream Man.
"God damn it, the edit-lock wore off sometime
between the second and third crossover," said
CyberWikiBoy. "Coward Lad, could you help me out
here?"
"You're an excellent driver," said Coward Lad.
CyberWikiBoy sighed. "Okay, okay. One more time.
One, two, three..."
"Not it!" said everyone. Everyone, that is, except
the ScarletWiki.
-|-
It was shortly after Master Blaster decided that
CyberWikiBoy was a hardcore nudist who loved to fondle
his own breasts all day long that the ScarletWiki
peered into the back seat via the rear mirror and
asked him what his wife would think of his actions.
"I'm not touching," said Master Blaster. "I'm only
looking. That's not cheating, is it? What do you
think I am, man, whipped?"
"It does show a tremendous amount of bad faith in
the sanctity of your marriage vows," said the
ScarletWiki.
Master Blaster tapped Mainstream Man on the
shoulder. Mainstream Man nodded solemnly before he
said, "Sales are dropping rapidly."
The ScarletWiki suffered from instant clone
degeneration.
-|-
And the car, now sans driver, hit a brick building.
-|-
"At least no one was hurt," said Mainstream Man.
"WikiBoy!" said Coward Lad, tears streaming down
his eyes. "He's dead!"
"Well, at least no one important was hurt,"
Mainstream Man corrected himself.
"Aren't you ashamed of yourselves?" said Coward
Lad. "You didn't even treat him with the decency and
respect that a human being deserves. He died
humiliated, shamed, a plaything! Your! Plaything!"
"You're right," said Master Blaster.
"WikiBoy, you're not dead," said Mainstream Man
with a casual shrug.
WikiBoy was no longer dead.
"I revert the breasts," said Master Blaster. "And
the milk-sweating. And the nudism."
"I revert the cyborg thing. And the clone."
-|-
Suddenly, our heroes found themselves back in the
car, with WikiBoy at the wheel.
"Oh my goodness!" said Mainstream Man. "Since I
reverted the clone, the entire accident that resulted
from the degeneration of said clone never actually
happened! [*-- See LNH Vol. 2, No. 11!]
"And yet, since it never happened, the revert
itself never happened, since the revert was the result
of it happening. But if the revert never happened,
then the accident would have happened, since the
accident not happening was a result of the revert!"
"What clone?" said Master Blaster.
"Exactly!"
-|-
"Hey, there's a comic book shop up here," said
Mainstream Man. "Can we stop for a few minutes, do
some browsing?"
"We're on a mission, guys," said WikiBoy.
"That reminds me," said Master Blaster. "Where are
we going?"
"To get the map from E. Forbes Smiley III."
"I know that," said Master Blaster. "But where are
we going? Do we have any idea where he's at?"
"Um," said WikiBoy. "Coward Lad?"
"Don't look at me."
"Well, we'll figure that out later," said
Mainstream Man. "We know where the comic book store
is. So hang a right on this next block."
"I really think we should concentrate on this
mission," said WikiBoy.
"I really think you're a mute," said Mainstream
Man. "Now, hang a right."
-|-
"What are you looking for, exactly?" said Master
Blaster.
Mainstream Man continued to scan the shelves as he
answered. "The holy grail. I'm looking for a single
issue of a long-running, in-continuity superhero
series that tells a self-contained, stand-alone story
from beginning to end. Not a one-shot, not an annual,
not a special, not an elsewhirls. Not part one of a
five-part story. Not a first issue starring some
gadabout. Not a trade paperback or, if you want to
get absolutely snobbish about it, a graphic novel.
No. I'm looking for a single story told in the span
of twenty-two pages." He frowned. "It doesn't even
have to be a good story."
"Good luck with that," said Master Blaster.
"Yeah. I'll find it. If it exists, I'll find it."
He clenched his fists, teeth, and sphincter all at
once, striking a dramatic pose. "It's my destiny."
"That's what you think!" came a voice, heralded by
a flashing light.
"Oh no!" said Master Blaster, Mainstream Man, and
Coward Lad all at once. (WikiBoy would have chimed
in, but was still mute.) "It's...
"All-Knowing Last-Chance Whiner Destiny Woman!"
"Yes," said All-Knowing Last-Chance Whiner Destiny
Woman. "And... oh, shit. I forgot what I was going
to say. Sorry, guys. It's been a few years."
"Well, what was it about?" said Master Blaster.
"I don't remember. God damn it. I hate it when
that happens."
"It was about me, wasn't it?" offered Mainstream
Man. "I had just said it was my destiny, and you
said, that's what I think..."
"Right, right!" said All-Knowing Last-Chance Whiner
Destiny Woman. "Now I remember. It was... oh, shit.
There it goes again. I'm really sorry. Tell you
what. Are you guys going to be here for a while?"
"Well, we're really supposed to be finding this
map, got this mission," said Coward Lad meekly.
"We can wait around," said Mainstream Man.
"Great. Let me go back and check my notes. I
might have written it down." And with that, she was
gone.
"Um, Master Blaster...?" Coward Lad said.
"What is it now?"
"Don't you think we should be getting back to that
mission?"
"Look, we'll go as soon as she gets back," said
Master Blaster. "I mean, if we get the map in ten
minutes or if we get it in two hours, we'll still get
the map, won't we?"
"But the guys are counting on us!"
"The building was warping around people an hour
ago, it'll still be warping around people in a few
hours. The building's not going away, man. So just
chill."
Coward Lad didn't argue. He just thought about his
friend, Really, Really, Really Ginormous Guy, back at
LNHHQ, and hoped he was doing okay.
-|-
"Ow."
-|-
The owner cleared his throat. "Uh, guys, we're
closing up now."
"We're just waiting for our friend," said
Mainstream Man dismissively. "She'll be here any
minute."
"Well, then, you can wait for her outside. I want
to go home."
"It's okay," said Master Blaster. "We're with the
LNH. We're on a mission, and we're waiting for an
important briefing."
"Then you can wait outside."
Master Blaster smirked. "I don't think you're
listening to me, man."
"Master Blaster," said Coward Lad. "Maybe we
should go."
"What do I have to be afraid of? This pipsqueak?
I don't think so. Hey, pipsqueak. How'd you like to
be... uh... a pipsqueak sandwich?"
-|-
"Ow! Frickin' pipsqueak."
WikiBoy signed something to Coward Lad.
"What'd he-- ow-- say?" said Master Blaster.
"He knows first aid. If you promise to stop
editing him for the day, he'll re-align your leg."
"Hmm. How about, I still get to edit him today,
but no more breasts?"
WikiBoy signed.
"He says," said Coward Lad, "no more breasts ever.
At all. Period."
"Oh, come on..." said Master Blaster. "Not fair.
Can I have them on weekends and every other Thursday?"
WikiBoy signed.
"Okay, but not holidays," translated Coward Lad.
"It's a deal. But hurry up. Blood's starting to
congeal."
"Um, guys," said Mainstream Man. "I don't know if
you've noticed, but... the car's gone."
All eyes fell on the sign which read, one hour
parking. "Damn. I didn't think they were-- ouch--
serious."
-|-
Our quartet walked down the streets on this cold,
Net.ropolis night. Well, Master Blaster limped. And
Coward Lad waddled. But the other two walked.
"So, where are we going, again?" said Coward Lad.
"I don't know, and I don't care," said Mainstream
Man. He had not found his holy grail in the six hours
they had spent in the comic book store. "This has
been an awful day."
"We got to find that map," said Master Blaster, his
focus mysteriously returned. It might have been the
immense pain that accompanied each step.
Behind them, they heard the beep of a familiar
horn.
"Bandwagon Chick!" said Master Blaster and
Mainstream Man.
With her mystic bandwagon! signed WikiBoy.
"Our car was imp--" began Mainstream Man.
"Stolen," said Master Blaster. "Could you give us
a ride, help us out with our mission to find the
Phipps map?"
"Actually," said Bandwagon Chick. "I've been sent
to get you. They retrieved the map a couple hours
ago. Librarian Lady, and Kid Citrus found E. Forbes
Smiley III and demanded the return of the map."
Kid Recap's head popped out from the backseat and
he picked up the tale. "An epic battle ensued, ending
only when the aforesaid dastardly map thief slipped on
a well-timed orange. The map was returned and all is
well."
-|-
Our quartet sat in the lounge, a thin slice of
gloom melting over the hamburger of their lives.
"This was kind of a let-down," said Mainstream Man.
"I know. I was kind of hoping we'd get the map,"
said Coward Lad. "I mean, I'd be scared as
all-get-out to come face-to-face with someone so
disgusting and evil as to steal from a library."
"Oh, and by the way," said Kid Recap in passing,
"library's budget has doubled, order has been
restored, yadda, yadda, yadda."
"Still, this is kind of anti-climactic," said
Coward Lad.
Not really, signed WikiBoy. After all, in order to
be anti-climactic there has to be some kind of build
to said climactic point. And really, you can't really
say anything in this story built...
"God damn it!" said Master Blaster. "The machine's
out of Mr. Paprika again!" He rubbed his chin. "Hey!
WikiBoy! You're a mystic vending machine that never
runs out of Mr. Paprika!"
WikiBoy was thusly transformed.
"A cyborg mystic vending machine," offered
Mainstream Man.
"That requires no money," chimed in Coward Lad.
"Yes!" Master Blaster ran out into the hallway and
shouted, "Free soda forever!"
--
To the best of my knowledge, all the characters that
appear here are not reserved and/or public domain
and/or wReam characters.
CHARACTER--CREATOR.
Ultimate Ninja--wReam.
Sister State-the-Obvious--wReam.
All-Knowing Last-Chance Whiner Destiny Woman--wReam.
Master Blaster--Martin Phipps.
Librarian Lady--Saxon Brenton.
Kid Citrus--Mike Escutia.
Occultism Kid II-Josh Geurink.
Kid Recap--Josh Geurink.
Sarcastic Lad--Gary St. Lawrence.
Domestic Lad--Ken Schmidt.
Coward Lad--Tom Russell/Cory Smith.
WikiBoy--Tom Russell.
Accordion Lad--Tom Russell.
Well-Comma-On-The-Bright-Side-Dot-Dot-Dot Lad--Tom
Russell.
Irony Man--Creator unknown.
Cheesecake-Eater Lad--Creator unknown.
Mainstream Man--Creator unknown.
Bad-Timing Boy--Creator unknown.
E. Forbes Smiley III--What kind of depraved human
being would steal from a library?
--
WikiBoy first appeared in the ALT.RIDERS FOX.NET
SPECIAL, in one of the vox-pop segments.
--
(C) COPYRIGHT 2005 Tom Russell. All rights reserved,
Berne Convention, yadda-yadda-yadda.
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