[LNH/Meta] The Last Night Show with Peelix the Cat #2
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
Fri Nov 4 03:08:53 PST 2005
The Last Night Show with Peelix the Cat #2 of 4
By Jesse N. Willey and Martin Phipps
Down in the bowels of the LNH TV studio, there was a crappy matte
painting of a city filled up the screen. A moon with a cat on it
appeared. The shot panned out to a large crowd of people.
"It's The Last Night Show with Peelix the Cat.
Tonight's guest is Martin Phipps! I'm Onion Lad along with
Ultimate Ninja, the One Man Last Night Show Band!" whimpered Onion
Lad. "Now here's Peelix the Cat."
Peelix came out, shook hands with the audience and then peed on
Ultimate Ninja. Ninja shoved a drumstick through his eye socket.
"Well folks, I have sad news. We're not a Killfile Wars Tie-In.
I guess that means nobody will actually be reading this. Aside from
Saxon Brenton. He reads everything on this newsgroup. Even the
threads and comments. Well, Sax, that's no excuse to be four years
behind," Peelix said. "After all, we aren't
Ultimate Ninja made a single drum beat.
"Just bring out the guest!" shouted Onion Lad.
Martin stepped out.
"By we all know that Tom Russell's rewrite of the Dane Martin
version of Onion Lad #2 included a scene revealing Onion Lad to be
transexual. How do you feel about that?" Peelix asked.
"You mean he used to be Onion Lass?" Martin said.
"Yes," Peelix said.
"Not that there is anything wrong with that," Martin said.
"Oooookay... moving on...Who is your favorite LNHer?" Peelix said.
"And I mean aside from Deja Dude you deluded egomaniac."
"I guess Sister State-the-Obvious. Irony Man is funny, but do we
really like him as a person?" Martin said.
"I don't. He's a horrible dresser. Can't hold
his whiskey. Once dated Jennifer Lopez," Peelix said. "So, who is
your favorite LNH villain?" Peelix asked.
"Obviously Lagneto. I mean, really, most LNH villains show up, go
'Muhuhahaha' and then leave," Martin said.
All of a sudden a big glowing sphere appeared.
"I am the great and mighty Screw You Over Lad!
Muhahahahahahaha!" the globe said.
Then it disappeared.
"See my point?" Martin said.
"You've been writing LNH stuff for a long time. Why haven't you
tried to make it big?" Peelix asked.
"Who says I haven't?" said Martin.
"I don't mean using that stuff they sell in spam," Peelix said.
"I was stranded on an island in the Philippines for seven months
without internet. No joke," Martin continued.
"Oh... sorry... I thought you were going in a completely other
direction there," Peelix said. "So...Is it true you once tried to
be a stand up comic?"
"I quote Yoda 'There is no try. There is only do.' Is it my
fault the people didn't laugh?" Martin said.
"I did Vaudeville... so I'm qualified to say... YES!" Peelix
"It all went over their heads. The idiots," Martin said.
"I had that problem with the front row during the intro last
night," Peelix said.
"I saw that..." Martin said. "The second row got drenched good
"So... you were a stand up comic. Come on, right here right now...
The LNH version of The Aristocrats?
"Is that the Walt Disney cartoon about sophisticated felines?
Never saw it," Martin said.
"Nevermind." Peelix said. "What creative people inspire you?"
"Peter David," Martin said.
"That's it? No Marlowe, Shakespeare... or even Charles
Schultz?" Peelix asked.
"Which RACCer do you secretly want to kill?" Peelix asked.
"If I told you then it wouldn't be a secret."
"Oh come on!"
"Is everybody going to be reading this?"
"We hope so. That's the idea."
"Well then, wouldn't my giving a name kind of tip the guy off. He'd
know I was coming."
"You can whisper. It'll just between you and me."
"Okay. Just promise me you won't get excited and wet yourself."
"I'm not making any promises."
Martin whispered into Peelix's ear.
"Really? Why? Oh... well there was that... but that was a long
time ago," Peelix said. "I thought you'd forgotten all about
"No, I haven't."
"Is it true you were arrested for smuggling popcorn into Canada
from Thailand?" asked Peelix.
"One, It wasn't popcorn. Two, it was softcore and perfectly
legal," Martin said.
"That is way too much information," Peelix said.
"Yeah, Onion Lad works on this show," Ultimate Ninja said.
"What projects are you currently working on?" Peelix said.
"A book about teaching in Asia. No joke," Martin said.
"How did you end up being a teacher?" Peelix responded.
"Read the book."
Ninja glared at him and crickets chirped.
"Okay, fine. I needed the money," Martin said. "Anyway,
what's wrong with being a teacher? I mean, if you're not funny you
still get paid and if they don't get what you're saying it's because
they didn't study. Their fault. I like to teach. Civilization will
fall if knowledge isn't passed from one generation to the next. Plus
you get a two month paid summer vacation."
"This question is obligatory but, if you were stuck in comic book
land who would you try to date... Betty or Veronica?" Peelix asked.
"Funny you should ask. Before I reached puberty, I really had
strong feelings for Betty. She was so nice! I couldn't understand why
Archie was interested in Veronica. She was such a bitch! Puberty
changed that. Mmm. Veronica. Yeah!"
"Well... that's all for tonight. Tomorrow our guest is... oh god
that can't be right... he'll kill me..." Peelix said. "Smeg!
It's Saxon Brenton."
Peelix the Cat created by Tom Russell Jnr. Ultimate Ninja created by
wReam. Onion Lad created by Tom Russell Jnr. and Dane Martin. Martin
Phipps footage while partially fictionalized comes courtesy of Martin
Phipps. Martin Phipps was produced in association with NASCAR and Fox
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