[LNH] Digital JUMP! #11
pwerdna at gmail.com
Thu Jun 16 23:31:56 PDT 2005
(Can't seem to post through Google, so I'll send through the
racc at eyrie.org mail-to-news interface... hopefully it'll work.)
PREHISTORIC PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS
IN ASSOCIATION WITH SESAME STREET AND GIANT FLAMING NUMBERS EVERYWHERE
>>From the files of the Molybdenum Age...
Written by Andrew Perron
Cover art by Alex Ross
Issue #11 - KRINGLE! The Quick, The Bold, and the Ugly!
Cover shows a pair of silhouettes with a question mark over their
faces. A text bubble reads, "STOP! Don't pass up this issue! My
METAPHYSICAL EXISTENCE depends on it!" The bottom reads, "Library Lad
and Weirdo Boy stake their metaphysical existence on - YOU!"
LNH SUBTEAM WITHOUT A NAME ROLL CALL!
Kid Enthusiastic - James Preponderation
He Doesn't Have a Superhero Name Yet - Casey von Aluminumfoil
Shining Tungsten Magister - Malachite Wendigo
Crimson @venger - Carmine Aurum
"Bwahahaha! Foolish heroes! These heroes' deaths were just a ploy to
increase readers! And I, Phoenix Down, will pull off an even greater
ratings spike - by bringing them back!"
"Thou wouldst sacrifice the suspension of disbelief for a cheap
trick?" The Crimson @venger shot the Black Arrow of Bard at the
crimson-cowled villain, and his all-encompassing forcefield fell.
Phoenix Down cackled, and dodged the incoming butter beam. "I shall
sacrifice their very past! With the miniaturized Reversion Ray
Projector I stole from the LNHHQ, I can roll back years of character
development, deleting the very events that killed them!"
"You won't get that chance!" Shining Tungsten Magister waved her
hands, and waves of golden energy splashed out, to meet a beam of
energy from the Projector's mouth.
"Got it!" Casey von Aluminumfoil wound up and pitched, letting go a
tiny electrovampire bat. It drank hungrily from Phoenix Down's power
cells, draining the device of its energy before he could shake it off.
"One charge left, eh?" He spun. "Then I'll have to play my trump
card!" He stepped to the side, revealing a tombstone marked "Manga
Girl: The Series", and pulled the trigger.
"No!" Kid Enthusiastic leapt, just as the beam fired. The energies
pinned him against the fourth wall, ruining what would otherwise have
been a rather dramatic splash page.
"Fool! You've ruined everything!" Phoenix Down shook his fist and fled,
carrying the Ray.
"James!" Casey ran to the fallen boy, but drew back as he began to
glow, a light like an eraser rubbing across his body.
And in the light, two figures stood where one had knelt. One a
spastic-looking 13-year-old in a black bodysuit with a white letter
"W" printed at random. The other a similarly young figure in brown
trenchcoat with a brown jumpsuit underneath, holding a sack in one
True Name: Andrew Robinson
Alias: Thoth, other previous lives
Powers: Can travel anywhere and anywhen in Infinite Library.
Superhuman ability to learn and recall. Possessor of the Mini-Fan of
Thor, made of N++ Metal.
Origin: Originally Thoth, Egyptian God of Knowledge, he survived the
fall of that pantheon by becoming human and entering the cycle of
reincarnation. As Andrew Robinson, regained his memories after an
accidental jaunt into L-Space, and took up mantle as defender of
Team: Non-continuity member of LNH
True Name: HG-893-1748
Powers: Continuously causes random occurences, strange coincidences and
Origin: Designed as a living Infinite Improbability Drive by the
scientists of the year 12,345. Uncontrolled trips through time and
space landed him in fight against supervillain Fair.net.heit 451, and
he stayed on in 20th century as Library Lad's sidekick. Unless Library
Lad is *his* sidekick, as he claims.
Team: Non-continuity member of LNH
Byrne's and Noble. Mala, Casey, Carmine, Library Lad and Weirdo Boy.
Yes, another coffeehouse exposition scene.
"Now that we've all calmed down after that gratuitous fight scene,"
said Casey, handing out the drinks, "can you explain exactly what
happened to our friend?"
Library Lad, perfectly poised, nodded naturally. "While you were
ordering, I read the trade of the first six issues of your comic. It
appears that the Reversion Ray Projector has returned Kid Enthusiastic
to the form of his author's first LNH characters - us."
"Like it did in Limp Asparagus Lad #4, changing Fourth Wall Lass into
Kid Not Appearing In Any Retcon Hour Story!"
Everyone stared at Malachite after this outburst.
"Well... it did," she muttered. "And why has my frappuchino become
Donny Most dressed as Adam West?"
"'s me!" Weirdo Boy hung from a stack of movie tie-ins, almost tipping
over a Willy Wonka and the Great Glass Elevator. "Things Happen, TM, R,
Library Lad nods. "But it seems you are already acquainted with odd
happenings - not a surprise, with him writing you."
"Writing us? What about you?" Carmine pointed up. "As far as I've
heard, *this* was the author's first series set in this world."
"Series! But way way way way *way* back, there was an issue!"
"Yes - The Adventures of Library Lad and Weirdo Boy #0. A one-shot,
meant to precede an ongoing series - but he never wrote the ongoing."
"Mmmmm, don't we know that feeling. So you were in limbo since then?"
"Yes. But never forgotten. We were the two parts of his personality,
his author avatars, always in his thoughts... he meant to return."
"But never did."
"No. And, over time, we were shelved. A new idea every now and
then... years passed. He didn't think the same way; puberty and other
things had done their work. Two weren't a good representation any
more; there was just one."
"No, actually. Oh, parts of him were in there, but he wasn't trying to
forge in his own image anymore." Library Lad sipped his chocolate milk.
"Don't be worried; we didn't mind. A bit annoyed at not being picked
up, but by then we could feel our own staleness. He had grown up. And
he was actually thinking of us more often."
Mala nodded. "Which lead to this."
"We could feel it coming the attention on us and pow! Existence!"
"Of a sort, anyway. The author has forgotten much... I wasn't
originally Thoth, Egyptian god of knowledge. And you can bet that
*that* wasn't his original costume."
"But we're grateful for the brief respite, anyway."
Library Lad quirked an eye. "You want your friend back, don't you?"
"What? No! I mean, yes!" Casey flailed about. "But, you don't have to
go! Kid NAIARHS--"
"--had a regular author. Our place is already filled on this team, and
I have no illusions about the guy upstairs being able to hold up two
ongoings. Did you know this was originally going to be an anthology?
Carmine put her hand on Casey's shoulder. "They do this of their own
Mala sat, deep in thought.
"So, Phoenix Down!" Carmine pointed a dramatic finger. "Thou hast
returned to the scene of the crime!"
"Fools!" Phoenix Down stood atop a full-sized version of the Reversion
Ray Projector. "You will not stop me from resurrecting Lost Cause Boy
"Bind!" "Magic Missile!" "Thor's Summer!" "Improbability!" "Throw
something at your head!"
"Urgh..." Phoenix Down was KO'ed.
As Casey handily tied him up, Mala went over and started frisking the
criminal. "Hmmmm... as I thought..."
Carmine shook hands with Weirdo Boy firmly. "Though thou'rt strange, I
sense something of the young one's soul with thee."
Weirdo Boy smiled. "And I thee, scion of Aurum. Narf!"
Library Lad reset the controls. "Timer set for 30 seconds." He hopped
down, and Weirdo Boy joined him, flower petals fluttering off. "I guess
this is goodbye."
"Not quite." Malachite pulled out a bracelet and a note. "I knew he'd
have a backup plan. A means of reaching beyond the fourth wall." The
hand holding the note blurred, and she reached out and passed it to me.
She nodded. "Say it just as the ray hits them - I think that'll be
pretty memorable, don't you think?"
The nose of the Projector began dramatically glowing. Library Lad
hmmmmed. "A death scene, perhaps? That'd stick in their minds."
Mala grinned. "Not quite. Ten seconds!"
"Well, thanks. I'm not holding out hope, mind you, but maybe we'll get
a Secret Origins parody. Or an Elsewhirls, that would be fairly--"
And as the faux-Kirbycrackle hit, I said:
Ahem. I, Andrew Perron, release the characters of Library Lad and
Weirdo Boy into the public domain.
There was a whoosh, and a splash page, and hundred thousand Library Lads
and Weirdo Boys, each slightly different, raced out from the
washed-out whiteness in the center of the page.
And the light condensed into a human form - Kid Enthusiastic.
"OOOOOOOooooohhhh. What happened? Why do I feel like restating the
validity of my copyright?"
Everyone immediately rushed him for a group hug. A corny ending, yes,
but also one that involved getting squished between two sets of
breasts. Yay breasts--
And then the author was slapped through the fourth wall. Ow.
Why yes, I have been reading Animal Man and JSA lately. How did you
Anyway, I meant what I said up there. Both characters are all the way
out, and can be used by any author who cares to. Ideas for all!
Oh, you're wondering where issues 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10 are. In
writing limbo, that's where! ``v I'm eventually going to finish them.
Probably. But, for now, this stoked my muse, and thus I must follow.
I'll most likely use this trick again. >>v
Also, sorry I haven't been posting on RACC lately - I'm back at my
parents' house, and the newsreader access is all wonky. I'll try'n
catch up using Google, but you know how *that* is.
In the meantime, all can speculate on the things that happened to the
characters in the meantime! I'm like J.K. Rowling, except way less
Also, how may of you read Animal Man? I swear, the last few Grant
Morrison issues are the prototype for 90% of the LNH's output,
especially the early stuff.
James Preponderation/Kid Enthusiastic, Casey Von Aluminumfoil,
Malachite Wendigo/Shining Tungsten Magister, Carmine Aurum/Crimson
@venger, Phoenix Down, and all related indica copyright Andrew Perron,
2002-05. Library Lad/Andrew Robinson and Weirdo Boy/alphanumeric
symbols not copyright anyone. Squidman copyright Dave Van Domelen.
Lost Cause Boy copyright... Doug Wojtowicz, right? I think. Reversion
Ray Projector, Limp-Asparagus Lad, and Fourth Wall Lass copyright Saxon
Brenton. Kid Not Appearing In Any Retcon Hour Story copyright Badger.
L-Space copyright Terry Pratchett. Donny Most and Adam West copyright
Potsie and Batman. Go, go, Clark, shake your bootie.
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