[BP/LNH] Boring Man Saves Canada Special
drtimphd at gmail.com
drtimphd at gmail.com
Sat Feb 12 14:02:48 PST 2005
Boring Publications Presents...
A Legion of Net.Heroes Tale...
BORING MAN SAVES CANADA SPECIAL
By Tim Munn
"Wow! I get to save Canada?!" Were the only words that came to
one of the LNH's newest recruits, Boring Man. It seemed like only
yesterday he was a bum living in the mean streets of Lan.Sig,
Mi.Sig.An. He'd lived a boring life, being a bum and all. Sure,
there were some interesting moments, like the dogfights behind the
LNH's Lan.Sig headquarters. Sure, he'd get caught, but he had that
one ace up his sleeve. Boredom. Yes, the inexplicable capability to
make living beings incredibly bored. It helped him get on the LNH's
'Do Not Disturb' list. It also hurt him, as he had no social life
due to his powers.
"Yeah, whatever," said an impossibly bored Ultimate Ninja.
"Just make sure you get the job done."
"Yes sir, boss!" Boring Man said. "Thank you!"
Boring Man had been so excited, he didn't even know why he was
saving Canada or who from. He quickly picked up the phone in the
LNHLHQ lobby and dialed zero. "Operator? Give me the Legion of
Net.Heroes, Net.ropolis, please."
A few moments of silence filled the air. The anticipation was
excruciating as he waited. He'd accepted a mission and didn't even
know the details save for the single detail of saving Canada. He was
about ready to hang up when someone on the other end picked up.
"Yes, Boring Man at Lan.Sig," a look of frustration spread across
his face. "Yes, Boring Man. I was just recruited today. No,
you're not bored, I command it. Now hurry up and get me the Ultimate
Ninja. He's not in? Get me someone in charge."
He waited a few minutes, finally hanging up in anger. How was he
supposed to be an LNH'er when nobody wanted him? Several of the LNH
Lan.Sig members looked at him suspiciously. "Hey," Boring Man said
turning around at the main doors. "Do you have one of those
communicator thingies, maybe one of those flight thingies, and maybe
some back-up?" The members of the LNHL looked at him and gave a
collective sigh, saying they were bored and needed something to do.
"Well," Boring Man said heading out the lobby doors in a dramatic
fashion, "Looks like I'll have to go solo."
Meanwhile... Deep in the frozen wastes of Canada (actually Ottawa)...
A menace has been built up, looming in the North Pole. It was simple
fun-time that created it, and science that made it live. It swept the
country starting in October. Sweeping down through the plains after
the harvest. Taking the West Coast completely off guard. It was
slower going heading east. The Quebeccers posed a true hurdle, as they
sang songs about France and enticed them with alcoholic beverages.
Fortunately, they were able to overcome the Quebeccers in Montreal.
The eastern provinces fell easily, as they saw how easily the French
Canadians were defeated.
The Prime Minister denied from the start the menace that swept Canada.
There were fun times going on across the country. To put it simply,
he said the country was safe. But safe it was not, as the menace
ravaged the newly conquered lands. The menace took no prisoners, and
soon the land and its peoples were covered in their one true color.
Canada and its government was crumbling, yet they didn't know it.
Finally, accepting the fact that something was amiss, the Prime
Minister had his Press Secretary hold a press conference. "I'll
take any questions you may have concerning the Prime Minister's
recent sale of the Capitol City to Lichtenstein. Yes, you in the back
row," he said.
"Pete Hayes, channel thirty-six news from Lan.Sig, Mi.Sig.An. What
about this menace that is reportedly sweeping the western provinces?
Also, from what we're hearing in the States, Ottawa is under siege as
we speak. Is there any truth to this?"
The Canadian Press Secretary went wide-eyed as those questions were
asked. He squirmed in front of the podium looking for the right
answer. "I can assure you Mister Hayes, that the Prime Minister is
looking into the situation as we speak."
Meanwhile... In the Canadian Prime Ministers' Office...
"I suppose I must accept your terms," the Canadian Prime Minister
said in a hushed tone. "But I vow to fight you until the day I
Suddenly, he was forced out of his seat and onto his desk. His coat
was lifted up and a stamp reading: 'North Pole' stamped on his
back. "You'll never get away with this!" He was pushed back into
a pair of Ak-47 wielding Snow Men. The leader of the Snow Men laughed
and bit down on his cigar.
"We already have, can't you see?" He said, giving another laugh.
His laughs were stifled though, when a metallic sound filled the room.
"It's him! Get the Prime Minister out of here!"
Just as the Prime Minister was being escorted out for a trip to the
North Pole, the Snow Men's Leader crouched through the Prime
Minister's Office doors. "Status report?" He questioned in a
thick German accent.
"I've got everything under control here. You were to handle
anything that came from the States, or have you forgotten?" The Snow
Leader said in a rather nasty tone.
The Robot laughed, if you could call it that. The metallic sound made
even the Snow Men shiver. "Do you forget, my friend, that I have the
brain of Lawrence Welk? I'm in a robot's body, but am still human.
It is from that experience that I know someone will come to Canada's
rescue," another robotic laugh filled the room, "the Legion of
Net.Heroes hopefully, now that that rotten Cauliflower is no more."
He looked to the Snow Leader, giving a questioning look in his own way.
"It is still agreed, after all, that I gain control of North Dakota,
Nevada, and California; and the nations' convalescent homes?" Snow
Leader nodded his head in agreement. "First Canada, then the Legion
of Net Heroes! Excellent!" The Robot with Lawrence Welk's Brain
gave a hideous laugh that made Snow Leader tremble in his boots.
Meanwhile... At the Canadian-American Border...
"Hey, I don't think those guys should be there!" An angry
trucker said of the two Snow Men guards stationed at the border.
Boring Man, hearing the desperate plea of the trucker, rushed to his
"Do not fear citizen! I'm a member of the Legion of
Net-Heroes!" Boring Man said in a dramatic fashion.
"Oh! Those freaks?!"
Boring Man looked angrily at the trucker. "Just for your
information, they're the ones saving you. So you'd better be
thankful," he said, waving a finger.
"Whatever, this is really getting boring anyway." The trucker
turned his rig around, nearly running over Boring Man. Boredom, it
seemed, had taken hold of everyone, as some turned around. Others just
got out of their vehicles and started walking in circles. Some started
screaming obscenities, their boredom too overpowering.
Boring Man looked ahead to the Snow Men. They too had succumbed to
the Power of Boredom. They were bashing their heads against the side
of the patrol hut, liquid ice oozing from open wounds. He cautiously
snuck past the two guards, when suddenly one turned to him. He almost
nearly froze in fear as he was spotted.
"Hey! My friend, concussion make me tired!" The concussed Snow
Man blurted out, falling to the ground. Boring Man gave a sigh of
relief, and turned once more to save Canada. It was only a few miles,
or was it kilometers now since he was in Canada? He didn't know the
Metric System, and barely knew the American System. Miles, kilometers;
it was a tough job being a mathematically-challenged super-hero, but
somebody had to do it. He chose miles, so as not to get a severe
Boring Man got into a nearby car and drove off. He noticed a few
Tylenol bottles on the dash. He opened one up and popped a few of the
pills. Boring Man hadn't avoided the headache, super-powers and all.
It didn't help either that, aside from mutated Snow Men, he still
didn't know the true enemy. Maybe it was the Snow Men? Or maybe its
just a trick played by the Ultimate Ninja and the LNH. Yeah, that's
what it was.
Boring Man squinted out the window as it began snowing heavier. He
had made good time until now. The blizzard was ferocious, he
couldn't even see out the windshield. He pulled the car over,
somewhere near Ottawa. A few moments later, streaks of white flew
across the windshield. "This is it!" He screamed to himself.
"My first battle as an LNH'er!" As he said that, the passenger
side window was broken by a rock. A Snow Man came rushing to the
window, howling a monstrous Snow Man howl. He reached the window,
Boring Man on guard, but stopped. Boring Man knew what it was.
"Hey, I'm getting bored here. Snow here, snow there, snow
everywhere. I need something new and exciting in my life, you know,"
he looked to Boring Man, who nodded in agreement. "Maybe move to
Hawaii, or better yet, Acapulco. Party town down that way, hook up
with some Snow Chicks. But you got to get me out of here first," he
said, climbing into the passenger seat.
Boring Man nodded. "Just one thing. Where is your leader
The Snow Man laughed. "What one are you talking about?"
Boring Man thought a moment. One leader was bad, but two? "Both of
them," he said, frowning now, upon his chances of saving Canada.
"Well, Snow Leader's Base of Operations is the Prime Ministers'
Office. The Robot with Lawrence Welks' Brains' is in an old
abandoned factory west of the city."
Boring Man patted the Snow Man on the head. He looked out the window.
He wished he had one of those communicator thingies right about now.
Boring Man thought to ask Snow Man if he had a phone, but just stared.
"If I wanted to, could I make you into a slushie? Would you feel
pain? I ask because I saw a couple of your guys at the border bashing
their heads against a patrol hut."
Snow Man thought on Boring Man's question a moment. "I suppose
you could. I might feel a little pain. I can call the guys up if you
want?" He said, pulling a plastic-wrapped cell phone from his body.
Boring Man lit up. "Hey, can I use your phone, I have to call a
friend of mine?" He asked of his new friend.
"Ok, but it better not be long distance," Snow Man said, handing
Boring Man the phone.
Boring Man dialed zero. "Operator, give me the Legion of
Net.Heroes, Net.ropolis please."
"Hey, no long distance!" Snow Man said, grabbing at the phone.
Boring Man stiff-armed the runt Snow Man, who soon gave up due to a
chronic case of Boredom.
"Yes, its me again, Boring Man. I have a question. Do you have
anything on a 'Snow Leader' or 'Robot with Lawrence Welks'
Brain'? Yes, I'll hold," Boring Man said in growing frustration.
"I'm saving Canada. You'd think they'd put me on highest
level clearance. Oh, well, uh, what've you got on them? Nothing on
Snow Leader, got it. Robot has a mile long file? Las Vegas you say?
Defeated by Elvis Man and Cauliflower? Got it. Maybe you could send
me some re-enforcements, I had a Snow Man try to hump my leg," Boring
"Hey, isn't Cauliflower that dog that Ultimate Ninja let into the
LNH?" Snow Man asked.
"Nah," replied Boring Man. "Its something you eat. Hey, the
storm is letting up. Since the LNH isn't sending any immediate
back-up, want to come along for the ride?"
"Anything to cure me of this boredom, my friend." With that,
Boring Man started the car and began the last leg of the trip to
Meanwhile... West of Ottawa... In an old Abandoned Factory...
"Snow Men, attention!" Snow Leader yelled. "We've just been
given Canada men! Today Canada, tomorrow North Dakota!"
Cheers filled the crowd of Snow Men. The Great Snow Man Menace of
'04 had been a success. Some had thought their struggle would be a
failure. Those Snow Men had been proven wrong. As Snow Leader said,
tomorrow it was on to North Dakota.
"Men, I could tell you a thousand stories of such times. The
victories against the Eskimos; or the French Canadians, but I wont
because I can't. I was only made Snow Leader just before we occupied
Ottawa. But from what I know, we're a great outfit. I don't have
anything else to say, I guess, so I'll hand it over to our favorite
non-Snow Man, Robot with Lawrence Welk's Brain! YEAHH!!" A stunned
silence filled the crowd, as Robot with Lawrence Welk's Brain Began
"Fortunately, kiddies, he's going on vacation real soon," he
said, vaporizing Snow Leader with a heat ray emitted from his robotic
hand. He laughed his robotic laugh and spoke. "I am your leader
now, is there any disagreement?" He said, shooting a burst of heat
upwards, melting the ceiling.
"No sir!" The Snow Men Army replied.
"Ok. Now why doesn't someone get on the telephone and see why our
men aren't responding out there. My astounding intellect tells me
that the Legion of Net.Heroes are on their way," he said the last
more to himself than to the Snow Men Army. "Men, I should devise a
happy song we can sing to as we destroy the LNH. I'm off to my
office in the Capitol to work on it. Men, be prepared," he said this
Meanwhile... West of Ottawa... On the Highway...
Boring Man looked towards the large abandoned factory whose roof had
suddenly melted away. He pointed towards the building. "That it?"
He asked Snow Man.
"Yeah, whatever," said a tragically bored Snow Man. "I'm
going to blend myself with this blender I found," he said, heaving a
large battery-operated blender up.
"Poor guy," Boring Man said, not to worried. At least he got free
food and drink with the LNH, he thought, as he drank his Snowman
Slushie. He pushed the pedal down a little further, feeling the first
tinges of adrenalin in his body. Boring Man exited the off-ramp, when
his car was suddenly overtaken in a violent and unforeseen snow storm.
"This is it!" He said, to no one in particular. He raised his
Snowman Slushie and gulped it down, luckily for him it was his favorite
The windshield exploded inward into a million pieces. Boring Man
lifted his arm to shield his eyes. When it was clear, he saw a rogue
Snow Man in front of his car, and threw the blender at it. The Snow
Man fell from the front of the car and was instantly crushed under the
car. Another Snow Man popped up on the hood, when Boring Man pounded
on the brakes. The Snow Man flew off the hood and traveled quite a few
feet before exploding in a white flash.
Boring Man jumped out from the wind shield area, and was instantly
jumped by a dozen Snow Men. He tried to use the Powers of Boredom on
the group, but found that his powers only affected a few. "Why
aren't my powers working on you guys?!" Boring Man asked. None of
the Snow Men answered, but Boring Man wasn't shocked. He tried
harder to make the Powers work, but the Snow Men were instantly
demoralized, not by Boredom, but by the raunchiest fart they'd ever
been subject to.
"Oh, man! It must be that Snow Man Slushie that I had just before
battle!" He said, trying to gain the upper hand. It was working, as
the Snow Men fled in the direction of the Abandoned Factory. "Come
back you cowards! Fight like the Snow Men you are!" Boring Man said,
chasing after them. Between the off-ramp and the Abandoned Factory,
Boring Man noticed what had to be the trails left by the rockets of
Robot With Lawrence Welk's Brain.
Boring Man was about to use the Powers of Boredom when his new cell
phone went off. He accepted the call. "Yes. Oh, Ultimate Ninja,
hi! No, not yet, he's flying away. Yes-yes, I will. Please, just
have some confidence in me, I'll pull this off. What? A secret
operative? In the Snow Men HQ? Ok, Boring Man over and out."
Boring Man, after a tongue lashing from Ultimate Ninja, found new
confidence and rushed to the Abandoned Factory. There, he spied on the
Factory from a ditch in front of the parking lot. There were about a
dozen guards on regular patrol around the building, each armed with
AK-47's. Boring Man took out the two nearest guards the quickest.
The others fell quickly, but not quick enough. A loud scream filled
the air. "They've found the operative," Boring Man whispered to
himself. He looked through a nearby window. Yup, they had him. The
man they had was decked out in a red and white striped costume. In the
middle of the costume was a giant Maple Leaf. There were only a few
guards left in the building, when Boring Man made his decision.
"Powers, don't fail me now."
Using the Powers of Boredom, Boring Man created a Boring Vortex that,
he guessed, surrounded the entire building. Some of the guards
collapsed into the fetal position, while the secret operative screamed.
"Sweet God, just kill me now!" He said, grabbing for one of the
"No!" Boring Man screamed. He let his Boring Vortex fall, letting
all within the building to regain their composure. The operative,
looking around momentarily, grabbed for the AK-47. "No!" Boring
Man screamed again. The operative leveled the gun at Boring Man.
"Who are you?! Are you a Snow Man sympathizer?!" The man asked.
"No, I'm not. My name is Boring Man, I've been sent to save
Canada by the Legion of Net.Heroes. Who are you?"
"My name is Generic Canadian Super-Hero, from Alt.pha Flight.
_I'm_ going to save Canada," he said, re-aiming the gun at the few
Snow Men left. "Run," he told them. "Next time might not be so
Boring Man looked at Generic Canadian Super-Hero. Obviously, he
hadn't known what had become of Alt.pha Flight. He flipped on his
cell phone and called up LNHHQ. "Yes, I've got Generic Canadian
Super-Hero with me. Ok," he said handing Generic Canadian Super-Hero
the phone. Suddenly, he wasn't important anymore. It was Generic
Canadian Super-Hero handling it. Boring Man was interrupted from his
thoughts when Generic Canadian Super-Hero screamed at the top of his
lungs. He'd found out what had happened to Alt.pha Flight. Generic
Canadian Super-Hero hung up on Ultimate Ninja. He turned to face
Boring Man. "We've got to hurry, Robot With Lawrence Welk's
Brain has stepped up his plans. He's heading into North Dakota as we
Boring Man felt he had to say something to Generic Canadian
Super-Hero. "Hey, man-" he was interrupted by Generic Canadian
"Unless its about the situation at hand, I don't want to hear
about it!" Generic Canadian Super-Hero screamed. "Now," he said
holding out his hand, "let's go." Boring Man took his hand and
was lifted into the sky westward.
Meanwhile... In the Middle of Nowhere... Somewhere inside North
"How are our plans going?" Robot With Lawrence Welk's Brain
asked the new Snow Leader. "Have we taken the capital and my
birthplace?" Snow Leader immediately took out some plastic wrapped
papers. He took them out and handed them to Robot With Lawrence
Welk's Brain. "Excellent! I shall address the troops as soon as
possible," he said. But Snow Leader hesitated. "What is it?"
Snow Leader hesitated slightly, but remembered what happened to the
previous Snow Leader. "Sir, there is some bad news. Generic
Canadian Super-Hero has escaped with help from an unknown hero," Snow
Leader said, afraid of what the wrath of Robot With Lawrence Welk's
Brain might be.
Robot With Lawrence Welk's Brain sighed. "Don't worry yourself,
we'll deal with it when it comes. Remember, we have the upper hand
in this," he said. There really was nothing to be afraid of,
everyone should know that. Obviously, the men where having morale
issues. That made it that much more urgent that he release his new
Snow Men Theme Song. "Ready the Communications Station for my
"SIR, YES SIR!"
Robot With Lawrence Welk's Brain turned and powered up his jets. He
took off in a loud boom, heading first to the newly taken capital, then
to his home. Ever since being implanted into this robot body, he'd
felt a sentimental effect take over him. To be at his birthplace once
more, to visit with what was left, if anything, of the old gang. What
he wanted more than anything though, was his home place to be the place
where he single-handedly destroyed the Legion of Net.Heroes.
As if God had heard him, he met the two heroes over his hometown.
Generic Canadian Super-Hero and that other pesky super-hero. He came
to a full stop in midair. "Ah, Generic Canadian Super-Hero and
friend! What a surprise! Hey, you know what would be great, if you
two would be my special guests on my new show: 'Destroying the Legion
of Net.Heroes', it's a nice little R.S.O. special to increase the
morale of my troops in North Dakota."
Generic Canadian Super-Hero grew agitated at this. "Never will we
or the Legion of Net.Heroes succumb to scum such as yourself!"
Boring Man cringed as he said those words. Sure, he'd wanted to
save Canada, but he didn't want to die doing it. Let Canada suffer
if he was likely to die. Generic Canadian Super-Hero eyed him
suspiciously. It was at times like these that he'd found himself in
a world of hurt due to telepaths. "Hi," he said to Generic
"Let Canada suffer?!" He said to Boring Man. He tightened his
grip on Boring Man's hand, making him wince. "Never in a million
years! We're freaking Super-Heroes, and we will act as such!" He
said, flinging Boring Man at Robot With Lawrence Welk's Brain.
"I thought we were Super-Heroes! They don't do this to each
other!" Boring Man screamed. Robot With Lawrence Welk's Brain
easily avoided Boring Man, who was now falling to the Earth. "I
don't have flight powers! HELP ME!"
Generic Canadian Super-Hero was not about to help Boring Man, as Robot
With Lawrence Welk's Brain lunged rather casually at him. But, after
he avoided the attack, he was motivated by the words 'HELP ME!'
uttered by Boring Man. Yes, those two words all super-heroes must
obey, thought a sarcastic Generic Canadian Super-Hero. He quickly flew
downward to save his colleague. Generic Canadian Super-Hero was three
quarters of the way to Boring Man when Robot With Lawrence Welk's
Brain clubbed him from behind.
Boring Man saw what was happening and tried to warn Generic Canadian
Super-Hero of the impending trouble. For some reason, Generic Canadian
Super-Hero did not hear him, and was clubbed. He immediately fell
unconscious, and fell atop Boring Man like a rock. He heard a robotic
noise and suddenly Robot With Lawrence Welk's Brain stopped in his
tracks. He looked to Generic Canadian Super-Hero, then flipped the two
of them over. "I'm sorry buddy, but you're the one with the
invulnerability," he said with a questioning look on his face, "at
least I think so."
Before Boring Man could act upon his suspicions, they hit the ground
with a loud 'BOOM!', taking out a small outbuilding on a cow farm.
Boring Man woke a short while later. He hadn't been out for long, as
Robot With Lawrence Welk's Brain was just landing. He looked to
Generic Canadian Super-Hero who was still out cold. As a line of
defense, Boring Man created a Boring Vortex around himself and Generic
Canadian Super-Hero. It worked, as Robot With Lawrence Welk's Brain
stopped. Boring Man sighed with relief and rose wearily.
"Whatever you're trying to do to me, it wont work. Prepare to
die," he said, a rocket launcher coming from the area of where his
right hand used to be. Boring Man using all his power, strengthened
the Boring Vortex around them. It was working once more, as Robot With
Lawrence Welks' Brain hesitated. "STOP IT!" He yelled. "I
can't stand being so bored!" Once again he aimed the rocket
launcher at Boring Man, and once again Boring Man strengthened the
"The power of Good always prevails!" Boring Man said, sounding
quite clichéd. Robot With Lawrence Welk's Brain continued to
struggle against the Boring Vortex. Boring Man thought about raising
it up a notch, but heavily doubted his own powers at this output.
Boring Man picked up Generic Canadian Super-Hero under the arms and
drug him behind a nearby barn. Robot With Lawrence Welk's Brain was
there to greet him when he started back. "NO!" Boring Man yelled,
kicking up the Boring Vortex to his maximum ends. Robot With Lawrence
Welk's Brain screamed in agony and shot the rocket into the air,
falling to his knees and the ground. Boring Man, feeling light headed,
looked to the rocket, seeing that it had just avoided an LNH
flight.thingie. "Finally, I get some back-up," Boring Man said
before passing out.
Later... In Net.Tropolis...
"-I'm proud to give this award to Boring Man and Generic Canadian
Super-Hero for risking their own lives to free the peoples of Canada
from its most ruthless tyrant. Gentlemen," he said, taking the box
that had the two medals' inside. Smiles lit up on both their faces,
as they bowed their heads to receive their honors.
"_Ahem_," the President was looking at them, smiling. Inside the
box, were not two medals. Inside the box were two stacks of paper
slips. "Your reward sir," the President said handing a stack to
Boring Man and one to Generic Canadian Super-Hero.
"Thank you, sir," they both responded. It was all they could do.
The slips of paper they'd received were a years worth of certificates
to Joe's Pizza Area in downtown Net.Tropolis for a free slice of
pizza. They looked at each other, their smiles fading. They showed
off their reward to Ultimate Ninja and various other interested
LNH'ers who laughed when they saw the 'reward'.
"I'm sorry guys, that's the best we could do in a time of
economic distress," the President said, shrugging his shoulders.
Both Boring Man and Generic Canadian Super-Hero waved off the
Boring Man laughed. "At least I can tell my grand kids that _I_
saved Canada," he said, nudging Generic Canadian Super-Hero in his
broken ribs. Generic Canadian Super-Hero cringed and hobbled a few
"_I_ saved Canada," he said.
Boring Man created a small Boring Vortex around himself and Generic
Canadian Super-Hero. "_I_ saved Canada," Boring Man responded.
"Whatever. I'm Bored."
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