LNHY: Looniverse Y #5: Affirmative Action
Arthur Spitzer
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Tue Apr 26 18:14:29 PDT 2005
LNHY: Looniverse Y #5: Affirmative Action
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L O O N I V E R S E
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N U M B E R
F I V E
[Cover: Buxom the Vampire Slayer wrestles with some bikini clad
vampire. In the background various bikini clad vampires bat around a
black volleyball. On the bottom of the cover written in blood is the
text, 'BEACH BLANKET PARTY OF -- THE DAMNED!!!!']
Previously on Looniverse Y: Kid Kicked-Out found a briefcase that
allowed him to set up his own LNH franchise with him as the leader.
With the help of the New LNH Member Detector, he managed to recruit both
Van Hel.sig (a man fighting an eternal battle against demons and
vampires) and Exclamation!Master! (a guy that likes to use exclamation
points in all his sentences!) to be a part of this new LNH team. They
have (with the help of Buxom the Vampire Slayer, Dr. Peculiar, MegaMetal
BlastLord, and Jesus) battled The Road Rager, RACCula, Satan, and helped
save Google.mesh's soul from the depths of Hell. And now....
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Affirmative Action
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"I just don't get why Buxom can't be a member of the LNH," Kid
Kicked-Out said conversing with the remote control device which was in
his hand.
<:We've already been over this. It's not my decision to make. There
can only be one character for each writer in this version of the LNH.
Van Hel.sig and Buxom were created by the same writer. Buxom could only
join if Van Hel.sig quit or was killed.:> pointed out the device in Kid
Kicked-Out's hand otherwise known as the New LNH Member Detector.
"That makes no sense. I mean there's only me, Van Hel.sig, and
Exclamation!Master! We have this huge headquarters full of empty
rooms. Isn't the LNH supposed to be like the biggest and best superhero
group in the Looniverse? There are all kinds of heroes that could join
us. With only three heroes, all of them male, we're totally small
time! No one's going to take us seriously!"
<:It's not my place to decipher the method of the writer's madness.
Just to collect a paycheck for it.:>
"Whatever. But we need some chicks. I mean a superteam without any
females -- well, it's just kinda suspect. You know?"
<:You have a point; it would help our image. Hmm. I think I've got an
idea of how to remedy this situation. There's a room in the LNHQ that
might help us with this problem. Want to check it out?:>
"Sure -- I guess."
And with that the two started searching for this room.
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"This it?" Kid Kicked-Out said looking at a pink and blue door.
<:Yes. There's a device in there that should help us get a female
member.:>
Kid Kicked-Out opened the door and stepped into the room. "I can't see
anything. Where's the light?"
<:If you close the door that should trigger the light on."
Kid Kicked-Out shut the door behind him. "It's still dark."
<:My mistake. You feel anything?:>
"Yeah. Got this strange sensation. Weird. My clothes feel looser. My
chest feels heavier and -- my voice -- weird -- it seems higher." Kid
Kicked-Out opened the door again and stepped into the hallway. "What
the hell..." And then Kid Kicked-Out looked at his hands which appeared
quite a bit more feminine than usual. And then he felt his chest. "Oh
Jesus. What have you done to me!? What the @#$%@ hell have you done to
me!!?"
<:Well, you said we needed a female member...:>
"I *didn't* say I wanted to be that female member!!! Wait. I'll just
go back into the room, and I'll return to normal." Kid Kicked-Out went
right back into the dark room, waited a few seconds, and then walked
back into the hallway. "Arrrghhh!!! I'm still the same!! Why didn't I
change back?"
<:Because that's the Sex-Changing Room. In order to change back you
would need to find the Sex-Rechanging Room.:>
"So, where is this *Sex-Rechanging Room*?" Kid Kicked-Out said in a very
threatening manner as he squeezed the New LNH Member Detector in a very
non-gentle way.
<:Hmm. Seems to have slipped my mind.:>
"Unless you want to know what it feels like to be repeatedly hit with a
sledgehammer, I suggest you start remembering."
<:Gods have tried to destroy me, Kid Kicked-Out. Somehow -- I don't
think you're going to have much more success.:>
"I order you to show me where this Sex-Rechanging Room is! I'm the
leader of the LNH incase you haven't forgotten."
<:Hmm. An order. That might work if I was a member of the LNH. But
I'm not. As a New LNH Member Detector, I tend to live by my own
rules.:>
"You're totally evil -- aren't you?"
<:I like to think of it more as a "The Ends Justify the Means" Morality
Based-System myself. Personally, I don't quite see the big deal in all
this. So you've got a few different sex organs. What's that Nietzsche
quote? 'That which does not kill you makes you stronger?' Think of
this as an adventure, Kid Kicked-Out. And think of all the kids out
there who accidentally stumble into sex-changing rooms. You'll be a
role model for them. Besides this is only a temporary change. Once
some writer introduces a female LNH'r, you can change back."
"Oh god," Kid Kicked-Out said burying his (or should I say her) face
into her hands. "I'm going to be a female for the rest of my life!"
<:That also could be possible.:>
"Hark!! Do I sense a Damsel in Distress!!?" The voice came like a
thunder made from exclamation points. A massive musclebound costumed
figured landed right next to Kid Kicked-Out. A big exclamation point
blazed in the center of Exclamation!Master!'s chest. "Suffering
Semi-Colons!!! A woman appears to be trapped in Kid Kicked-Out's
costume!!!"
"Um no. I am Kid Kicked-Out, and I've been changed into a woman. You
see this stupid device tricked me into going into this sex-changing
room!"
"Wow!!! Pulverizing Periods!! I can't make that same mistake!! Must
write down note!! To remind self not to step into that room!!"
Exclamation!Master! quickly took out a pen and a piece of paper, and
without hesitation wrote himself a note. "There!! I've done it!! I've
written myself a note!! It was close though!! But thanks to your
warning Kid Kicked-Out, my maleness is -- *Intact*!!!"
"That's wonderful," Kid Kicked-Out said rolling her eyes.
"Hey, Exclamation!Master!" Buxom the Vampire Slayer entered the scene.
"Have you seen Gabriel? I need to speak with him." She glanced at Kid
Kicked-Out. "Who's she? And why is she wearing Kid Kicked-Out's
costume?"
"I'm afraid that is Kid Kicked-Out!! You see Kid Kicked-Out stepped
into a Sex-Changing Room and became a..." Exclamation!Master! paused for
dramatic effect. "*Woman*!!!"
"You're kidding," Buxom said looking at Kid Kicked-Out who was covering
her eyes with her hands.
"No. I'm a woman. I'm a @#$%# woman!!!" snarled Kid Kicked-Out.
"Oh geeze -- that's..." Buxom paused trying to find the right word, "So
hilarious! This is the funniest thing ever! Oh man this is..."
"There's nothing funny about this! Men transforming into women was a
lame cliche even back in the eighties! This is just a tired..."
"If there ever was a kodak moment this has to..." Buxom said ignoring
Kid Kicked-Out.
<:Actually I do have the ability to take pictures. Just point and press
this red button...:>
"Why you little..." But before Kid Kicked-Out could finish that
thought, Buxom snatched the New LNH Member Detector right from KKO's
hands.
"Say Gender switch!" There was a flash. "Got it! Now I just need to
post this to my blog..." Buxom flashed a wicked grin.
"Oh god..." Kid Kicked-out winced. "Look. If this is some lesson about
not treating women like sex objects, or some other feminist nonsense --
I've learned it! I'm a changed man! Really!"
<:Sorry, Kid Kicked-Out. Giving valuable moral lessons is against my
religion.:>
"Buxom?" spoke a gruff voice that was harder than the roughest whiskey.
A man wearing Victorian era clothing and a big wide brimmed hat that
really needed a shave entered the hallway. A Man named Gabriel Van
Hel.sig. "I need to speak with..." And then he caught a glimpse of Kid
Kicked-Out. The color drained from his face. "Eva?"
"Umm -- no. Kid Kicked-Out. And yes -- I look like a woman!"
Exclamation!Master! with a lot of exclamation points recapped the whole
story.
"Isn't this just so funny?" Buxom said looking in Van Hel.sig's
direction.
"I suppose it is," Van Hel.sig said with a grim expression.
"Oh god, Gabriel! You really need to learn how to lighten up! There's
more to the world than fighting vampires and demons!!"
"Maybe," Van Hel.sig said with an even grimmer expression. "But that's
going to have to wait. One of your old enemies is here. Giga.bit is in
Net.ropolis Y. She's setting up some operation down in the sewers."
"Are you positive?" Buxom questioned.
Van Hel.sig nodded.
"Dare I say, Who is Giga.bit!!?" Exclamation!Master! asked.
Buxom answered. "Back in the 60's she was this big TV star. She had
this show called 'Giga.bit' about these teenagers who would do nothing,
but have beach blanket parties and go to malt shops. Sometime in the
70's she was turned into a vampire by RACCula. She became one of the
most powerful vampires in the world. Almost at RACCula's level. She
now calls herself: Giga.bit, Queen of the Bikini Damned. I've fought
with her a number of times, but I've never been able to defeat her."
"Then I believe it is time for us to join forces and defeat her once and
for all!!!" Exclamation!Master! said with an enthusiastic cry.
"Nay, my friend," Van Hel.sig said shaking his head. "You can't fight
her -- and neither can I. She wears a bikini which enslaves -- Men's
Minds!"
"Wow," Kid Kicked-Out said. "Sounds like my kind of supervillain."
"Well," Buxom checked her crossbow, "Guess I'm going to have to do this
alone."
"Hey, I could go with you, Buxom. As you can see, being a man is no
longer a problem for me..." winked Kid Kicked-Out.
"No. No way. No way in hell am I..." Buxom started to say.
"Buxom." Van Hel.sig gave a stern look. "Remember, Kid Kicked-Out is
the leader of the LNH and allows us to use the LNHHQ equipment for our
battle against the forces of darkness; if he's offering you help, I
think it would be polite for you to accept it."
Buxom sighed. "Fine. You can come. Just -- don't get in my way. And
no 'cute' comments!"
"But obtuse comments -- I can make those, right? Oh, by the way..."
Kid Kicked-Out pointed to her ill-fitting male costume, "Before we go, I
think I should slip into something a little bit more 'comfortable'."
Buxom just shook her head in disgust as she made her way out of the
hallway.
"Clobbering Commas!!! It looks like it's just you and me, Van
Hel.sig!! Alone in the LNHQ!!!" Exclamation!Master! said in a casual
manner. The New LNH Member Detector made a coughing type noise.
"Say!! If you don't mind my asking -- that name you called Kid
Kicked-Out -- what was that about?!!"
"Nothing." Van Hel.sig looked away and hung his head. "Just some dead
woman's name."
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"I know I'm going to be sorry for asking this," Buxom said as she and
Kid Kicked-Out moved through the sewers, "But why are you wearing a
trenchcoat?"
"Umm. I had a bit of a problem with the LNH Costume creating machine.
It seems to only be able to create costumes that a stripper, or a hooker
might wear. I picked one costume that concealed the most amount of
flesh, but..." Kid Kicked-out shook her head.
Buxom nodded. "Welcome to the world of super heroine fashion. So --
can I see it? Promise I won't laugh."
"Well. Okay." Kid Kicked-Out unbuttoned her trenchcoat and then
flashed it open to reveal her new female costume.
"Oh. My. God." Even Buxom lips weren't mighty enough to contain the
massive amount of snickering that was inside her. "This is the funniest
day ever!"
An angry Kid Kicked-Out quickly closed her trenchcoat. "You know,
considering what you're wearing..."
"Hey!" Buxom quickly defending her apparel. "My costume is
specifically designed to help me when I'm fighting male heterosexual
vampires! Anyway -- sorry for laughing Kid Kicked-Out. Your costume
looks fine. It really *ahem* enhances your natural beauty." Buxom
snickered again. "But -- really, Kid Kicked-Out, I have to say you look
more attractive as a female than as a male."
"So wait -- does that mean you want to go out on a date?"
"Hah! Sorry, Kid Kicked-Out. Not a lesbian."
"It's always one thing with you, isn't it?"
Buxom made a hush sound. "I think we're close. Can you hear that?"
Kid Kicked-Out cupped her ear with her hand. "Yeah -- I can hear some
kind of music. It sounds familiar. What is that?"
"'An Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka-Dotted Bikini'," Buxom said
with a tone like a tombstone. "We're close. Don't make a noise and
follow me." Buxom loaded her crossbow.
As they got closer to the blaring noise of 50's sounds, they stumbled
upon a balcony hidden in the shadows. Under the balcony was a large
open area. In this area, the ground was covered with sand. Torches
lighted up the way. Several very pale bikini-clad women shook their
hips as they danced away to the old teeny bopper music. Some played
volleyball. And some made sandcastles. Evil sandcastles.
In the center several middle-aged males pampered one of the female
vampires. This vampire had such a sweet innocent girl-next door look to
her. To Sweet. To Innocent. No this creature was no girl-next door --
No she was an ageless horrible evil by the name of....
....Giga.bit *Queen of the Bikini Damned*!!
"Damn," Kid Kicked-Out said just completely taking in everything. "I
knew I should have brought my video camera."
Buxom ignored him and started rapidly firing arrows at the bikini-clad
vamps.
Some of the vampires burst into clouds of dust. Some with a bit more
sense got the hell out of there. And one just smiled wickedly as she
effortlessly caught the arrows in her hands.
"Ah, Slayer," Giga.bit said snapping the arrows with her fingers. "So
once again, we do battle. So many battles. But this time? Yes -- this
time I think will be the last. Yes, this will be our final battle. I'm
afraid so."
"You know what?" Buxom said jumping from the balcony. "I think you're
right." And then everything disappeared in Buxom's mind. The Sewers.
Kid Kicked-Out. The Black Volleyballs. The Male Sex Slaves.
Everything except Giga.bit. She and Buxom were the only things left in
the universe. And this fight was the only thing that mattered. Buxom
let go with some impossibly fast flying kicks and punches. Punches that
would have killed ordinary men. Kicks that would have brought buildings
down. And Giga.bit laughed at them. She swatted Buxom away like a
gnat.
Buxom crashed into one of the walls. She felt some part of her body
crack. Buxom closed her eyes and focused away the pain. And then
pulled a stake from her coat and lunged for Giga.bit's chest. Buxom's
flying body crashed into Giga.bit's soaring foot. Buxom struggled to
get up, but Giga.bit grabbed her by the feet. Twirling Buxom's body
like a sword, Giga.bit thrashed her body against the wall a few times.
She then dumped Buxom's shattered body on the ground.
"Ah, quite a workout? Eh, Buxom Bee?" Giga.bit brushed the hair out of
her eyes. "Do I seem stronger? Do I seem more powerful? Ah, you see,
Buxom -- I've been playing with you. All those battles we had, I was
holding back. Yes, Buxom. Toying with you. I've always been this
strong. Why would I do that? Because I found it amusing. But those
days are over. As much as I've enjoyed our little rivalry, there are
more important battles on the horizon. You see, Buxom Bee, there's a
new age of darkness coming. Yes, Buxom Bee. And I'm going to play an
important part in it. And now -- what to do with you?" Giga.bit kneeled
down and lightly touched the face of the unconscious Buxom. "I could
kill you? No? Or maybe -- yes, maybe -- I could turn you into a
vampire. Yes, one of my vampire hand maidens. How does that strike
you, Buxom Bee?"
And then Giga.bit felt something that resembled a karate chop. A very
wimpy karate chop. Giga.bit turned around to see some trenchcoated
female holding her hand in pain. "Owww! I think I broke a nail," Kid
Kicked-Out said wincing in agony.
"Ah, friend of the slayer," Giga.bit said as she moved within reaching
distance of Kid Kicked-Out. "You want to die too, don't you? Or maybe
you want to become one of my bikini-clad vampire hand maidens? Yes.
That's what you want, I think." She lightly brushed one of her
fingernails along Kid Kicked-Out's cheek.
"I dunno. What's the salary like?"
Giga.bit didn't answer. She grabbed Kid Kicked-Out quickly and with a
vicious snap like a bear-trap sunk her teeth into Kid Kicked-Out's neck.
"Owww! Ow! Those are really pointy teeth! Ouch. Ow! Boy, that
really hurts! Ow! Ouchee -- Ouchee! I'm not kidding -- it really
hurts! Ouchee, Mama!! Oooh..."
Giga.bit tore her way from Kid Kicked-Out's neck. "Your neck! Why
won't they go in? Why can't my teeth penetrate?"
"Oh that?" Kid Kicked-Out said rubbing her neck. "That would be because
of my being invulnerable to all physical harm. I still feel pain though
and am a bit more sensitive to it than most people. Although there is
something about receiving pain from hot chicks -- especially hot chicks
in bikinis. I used to have this girlfriend who would use this riding
crop when ever we would..." But before Kid Kicked-Out could finish his
amusing anecdote, Giga.bit burst into a cloud of dust. Standing behind
the cloud of dust was a bloodied, but standing strong Buxom the Vampire
Slayer with a stake gripped tightly in her hand. The only thing left of
Giga.bit *Queen of the Bikini Damned* was her Bikini That Enslaves Men's
Minds.
"Wow," Kid Kicked-Out said staring down at the dust on her boots. "Did
you have to do that? She would have made a great recurring villain.
Besides, I think she was really starting to dig me."
"She was trying to suck all the blood out of you and change you into a
vampire!"
"Yeah, well -- all relationships have to begin somewhere..."
Buxom dug her fingers into her head as if trying to make a headache go
away. And then she gritted her teeth in pain as she touched her
ribcage.
"You okay?"
"I'm fine. Just a few broken ribs. Suffered worse. Heal very
quickly."
"Yeah. Well, okay. If you say so." Kid Kicked-Out picked the Bikini
That Enslaves Men's Minds off the ground.
"What do you think you're doing?"
"Oh. Umm. For the LNH Trophy Room? You know?" Kid Kicked-0ut said
sheepishly.
"I don't think so," Buxom said grabbing the bikini away from Kid
Kicked-0ut's hands. "If anyone deserves this..." Buxom stuck the bikini
into one of her pockets.
"What have you done?" The voice came from a dumpy looking bald
middle-aged man.
"It's okay, sir," Buxom said in a reassuring voice. "You're free.
Giga.bit is no more. You can go home."
"Free? Free!? I wanted to be her sex slave!! I paid good money to be
her sex slave!! How am I supposed to get a refund for the $5,000 I paid
from a pile of dust!!? My god!! I was completely happy!! I was in
paradise!!! And now what -- I'm free!? I don't want to be free!!! My
Queen is dead!!!"
"I -- uh? Look -- I'm sorry. I didn't realize that..." a baffled Buxom
started to say.
Former Sex Slave #2: "Hey! At least you only paid $5,000 -- I paid
$10,000!!!"
Former Sex Slave #3: "Geeze! I paid like $25,000!!"
Former Sex Slave #4: "Hah! I only paid $1,000!!"
Former Sex Slave #1: "We ought to sue this murderous...!!"
"You know," Kid Kicked-Out whispered into Buxom's ear. "I think we
should leave. The longer you stay in these sort of situations the worse
it usually gets. Trust me."
"Yeah," Buxom said following Kid Kicked-Out out of the Beach Blanket
Room. "I think you're right."
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"I wouldn't worry about them suing, Buxom. This is still America. Last
time I checked, paying to be someone's sex slave is still illegal.
Well, last time I checked. And besides paying a thousand -- that's just
crazy. I mean I could understand paying a hundred, but a..."
"Yeah, thanks Kid Kicked-Out. I'm not too worried about being sued
though. This day's been weird though. Giga.bit's gone. My greatest
enemy is no more. I wonder what she was talking about with that whole
'new age of darkness' stuff. Oh well. Doesn't matter I guess." Buxom
gave a slight smile. "You know? Teaming up with you wasn't as horrible
as I thought it would be."
"Yeah. I know you think I'm a big jerk, but..." Kid Kicked-out paused
for a moment. "I don't know what I'm going to do about this whole
becoming a female thing. God, I hate that New LNH Member Detector.
This whole thing's scary. I don't know how to be a female. I don't
know all that stuff about feminine hygiene, and whatever. Everything
feels strange. You're female -- I was just wondering..."
"Look. It's okay, Kid," Buxom said with a sympathetic smile. "I can
give you some pointers. It's going to be fine. Really."
"Thanks, Buxom. It means a lot. And -- hey -- maybe afterwards, we
could like give each other a sisterly full body massa..."
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Innocent Bystanders on the street gazed with wonder as they witnessed
some lady in a trenchcoat flying out of a man hole. The women landed
flat on her ass.
Damn, Kid Kicked-Out thought brushing herself off, I really need to
remember how not to think outloud.
Kid Kicked-Out sighed.
Chicks.
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NEXT TIME: Will there ever be an actual female member in this LNH? Or
will Kid Kicked-Out forever be forced to be the token female member?
Will Exclamation!Master! ever do anything of consequence? Will Saxon
ever fill out a roster entry for Exclamation!Master!? Who is Eva? Will
Andrew Perron ever write that Looniverse Y issue he promised to write?
What will happen to the Bikini That Enslaves Men's Minds? And whatever
did happen to that System Corrupters briefcase?
All these and more questions will probably *not* be answered..... Next
Time!
Credits:
Exclamation!Master! is Saxon Brenton's
Van Hel.sig and Buxom the Vampire Slayer are Martin Phipps's
The rest are mine...
Author's Notes: Man, I wrote this so I could keep my 'posting at least
one story a month' streak alive. Since December I've posted at least
one story each month. Also, I felt that I should write something in
LNHY since it's been several months since I last posted something in
this imprint.
Kid Kicked-Out's still 100% heterosexual male even though he's trapped
in a woman's body, just incase you were wondering.
Not quite sure how to write Exclamation!Master!. How do his powers
work? Does he get more powerful depending on how dramatic the foe he's
facing is? I guess only Saxon knows the answers to these questions.
Giga.bit is sort of a parody of Gidget and Anne Rice's Queen of the
Damned. Not that I've ever watched the TV show Gidget. Nor have I
watched/read the Anne Rice book/movie.
Arthur "Son of a Beach Blanket" Spitzer
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