[LNH] Vel #1
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
Fri Jul 23 06:33:14 PDT 2004
Author's Note: This issue takes place prior to Vel #-5.
Water poured out of the doors of the Peril Room. Applicant Lad was
drenched from head to toe. Master Blaster was using one of his large
guns as a flotation device. Deja Dude had turned himself into an
"What movie is that from?" whined Applicant Lad.
"The Incredible Mister Limpett... Don Knotts. I know... ungh!" Deja
Dude said. "Who knew the 2 AM movie on AMC would save my life."
As water stop shooting out of the service pipes, Vel leapt down
through a large hole the ceiling. He was smiling gleefully. He
landed softly, barely missing knocking Applicant Lad into the floor.
"I did pretty good, right?" asked Applicant Lad.
"Sorry, Applicant Lad. We can't let you in just on peril room
experience anymore. Fish Boy here just thought it would be funny,"
said Master Blaster.
"How'd I do?" Vel said.
"The simulation only lasted two minutes. We didn't really have time
to test you," Deja Dude said.
"You said bring you guys down as fast as possible. I did," Vel said.
"Yes... but..." Master Blaster said.
A voice came over the intercom.
"Deja Dude, Master Blaster and Vel... please report to multilab seven.
We have a visitor," said Doctor Stomper.
By Jesse N. Willey
Badass laid down on the Kirbytech bed. Stomper looked at the read
out. He rubbed his chin in amazement. A puzzled looked seemed
plastered to his face. Vel and the others walked in.
"Ah, good afternoon gentleman," Stomper said.
"Yo, Vinnie. What's up now? I have an appointment with New Look
Lass to see about a costume in about an hour," Vel said.
"If you ask me, ditch the T-shirts with funny slogans on them and go
for Hawaiian shirts," said Deja Dude.
"I believe you've had enough frivolity for today. We have a problem
that requires your immediate attention," Doctor Stomper said as he
pointed to Badass.
Badass with over six feet tall from head to toe. His muscles
extended at least two feet higher than that. He stared back at the
"I remember this guy. Doesn't he carry huge guns?" said Master
"Don't you?" Vel said.
"Yeah, but this guy destroyed an entire country," Master Blaster
Badass snorted. Stomper looked at the readouts.
"Badass is set to stand trial for his crimes soon enough. Until that
time he is the custody of the LNH while he seeks treatment for brain
cancer," said Stomper.
"Why us? Surely there are doctors who are better equipped for that
sort of thing," said Deja Dude.
"I can't believe I'm agreeing with Fish Boy," said Vel.
"Watch it, Newbie," said Deja Dude.
"To answer your question, this isn't just normal brain cancer, ya
spasmodics. Sometime ago, when it was all the rage, I had an
encounter with a being called OMAR. He only had control of me for a
minute or two, but like everyone who didn't get treated, I got cancer.
Only with me it didn't start until now," Badass said.
"Could that have something to with the brief time span of the
possession?" Vel asked.
"I thought so too... at first. Look at this," Doctor Stomper said
showing Vel a chart with a DNA map on it. "Look at section P-53."
"Some sort of super powered mutation. Theoretically he shouldn't be
able to get cancer at all," Vel said. "Only this OMAR guy's brain
mojo was so powerful that the enhancements only slowed it down."
"Precisely," Doctor Stomper said. "This is why I want you, Deja Dude
and Master Blaster to fly around in a shrunken flight thingee and
destroy the tumor."
"Is that possible."
"I've got a bad feeling about this..." said Deja Dude.
He was growing. Waiting.... Waiting for just the right moment to
strike. There was an old saying. Evil has always finds a way to
survive. Killfile, Shroud, Martha Stewart, they were all proof of
it. Now, so was he.
"Those LNHers butt monkeys will pay. I will show them. If they
thought I was bad before, wait til that pervert Ultimate Ninja sees me
now," the voice echoed.
The flight Thingee containing Deja Dude, Master Blaster and Vel,
began shrinking. Vel watched the meters on the size adjustment
drive, making sure the machine didn't blow a circuit.
"Okay, me being here, that I understand. Aside from Vinnie, I'm the
only person who can understand this advanced equipment and we need
somebody monitoring our progress from the outside. That's more his
forte than mine. But you guys... why you guys?" Vel said.
At this point they looked up to see a giant pair of tweezers, guided
by the giant hands of Doctor Stomper, drop them gently into a syringe
filled with water. Luckily, their seat belts kept them from wobbling
around too much.
"You need someone to shoot the damned thing," Master Blaster said.
"You might get only one chance to hit this thing. I'm the best
chance you have of doing that," Master Blaster said.
"Okay, point taken. But why Deja Doofus over there," Vel said.
"Dude. Deja Dude."
"Look, I'm a highly respected member of this team," Deja Dude said.
"Well, Master Blaster for one," Deja Dude said.
Master Blaster snickered.
"Okay... there's um... Onion Lad and... um... um.... Fred..... and um..."
"Anyone who matters?" Vel said.
"A long list of heroes from the future...."
"They don't count," Master Blaster said.
"My wife... my son...." Deja Dude said. "That's all that really
They looked out the front window. Vincent Stomper's giant hand
pulled back hair that seemed to go on for miles, until finally bare
flesh of the back of Badass's neck was revealed. The syringe made
contact with the skin and the needle punctured through. Badass's
screams sounded like Earthquakes.
"No more time for squabbles folks. We got work to do," Master
The growing felt something coming in. So, they had to decide to
bring the fight to him. This was good. He knew what his reaction
would be. He would take their aggression and reflect it back.
"The whiny pig sucking liberals won't see what's coming," the evil
And with that, the One Man Abuse Reaction awoke.
Vincent Stomper monitored Badass's readings. For several minutes
after the Flight Thingee entered, the screens began to go red. He
stared for a moment.
"Well, well, well, what have we here?" he said to himself. "Some
sort of energy spike. It... it seems familiar."
The sound of EKG wires being ripped from one's chest filled the room.
Stomper turned. Where Badass had been laying quietly on the
kirbytech bed, an even more massive snarling troll like beast now
"It should, Einstein," he said. "It hasn't been that long."
Deja Dude, Master Blaster and Vel quickly made their way through the
brain. They came to a large discolored mass that was very close to
the sinus. At this point, they had shrunk themselves down to the
size of a prion. Vel just hoped that he hadn't accidentally given
Badass Mad Cow disease while trying to cure brain cancer.
"This is it," Vel said.
"Then let's blast it!" Master Blaster said.
He fired. The tumor began to burn. Parts of the large gooey mass
began to leak out of Badass's sinus. Deja Dude's face turned a
unnatural and quite disgusting shade of green.
"Does this thing have a..." Deja Dude said.
"Down the hall, to the left," Vel said.
"Thank you," Deja Dude said.
Doctor Stomper stared at Badass.
"How? How is that possible?"
"The friggin' brain cancer. It's not a small goat licking side
effect of being possessed. It's a little trace of my glory that I
leave behind...," Badass said.
White goo began to ooze out of Badass's nose. He fell to the
ground. The white ooze began to form itself into an OMAR body.
Stomper reached for his communication card.
"... and before you even ask, why that friggin body, I'll tell ya.
Cause there's nothing in life I love more than a man in his fifties
chasing after a woman half his age. Don't think I don't know about
you and Sing Along Lass," OMAR said. "For one thing, crap for
brains, it has an infinite regenerative capability. The second thing
is the enhanced P-53 genes. While giving him cancer was next to
impossible, once it was done, by the time anyone noticed all his
body's systems accepted it as normal. Destroy one tumor and another
one will grow in its place... more rapidly."
The communication system filled with static. Vel looked at the
screen. His eyes went wide open.
"I don't friggin believe this. We have over 25% tumor recovery in
under a minute," Vel said.
"The tumor is coming in stronger and faster than should be physically
possible. I can't make heads or tails of the rest of the readouts"
"Give me that," Master Blaster said.
He shot the emerging tumor. Again, more white goo went sailing down
the sinus cavity, just as Deja Dude emerged from the bathroom.
"And can someone turn off that friggin' radio!" Vel yelled.
"Sure no, prob," Deja Dude said.
He reached down to touch the knob, and the static began to fade ever
"Destroy one tumor and another one will grow in its place... more
rapidly," came a voice over the intercom.
"Hey, Deja, did that voice sound familiar to you?"
"If by familiar you mean evil thing that killed more good heroes and
I can count on one hand, then yes, yes it does," said Deja Dude.
"Houston, we have a problem," Vel replied.
To Be Continued...
Vel and Badass created by Jesse N. Willey. Deja Dude and Master
Blaster created by Martin Phipps. OMAR created by Saxon Brenton and
Jamie Rosen. Doctor Stomper is public domain.
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